Point @ MindSay

Ok...so I and a friend were having a discussion on IM of poetry. They were able to just lay a couple of verses that were pretty impressive for such a short time. Well I came up with a few and none were up to snuff in my opinion. So to make a point...I can write too dammit. And this is my case in point:

I'm posting now so you will see that what I said is true as can be.
I'm more than able to write out a line that sounds neither corny
Nor porny, nor blind.

I can whip out a verse and make it stick tight.
Wrap thoughts around it and make it a light.
I can do all this and more, even if my original instances were poor.

Doubt me not when I add to your line, that a poem of note is more than I wrote.
But I'm here just to say, there is no finer poem
No finer verse, not even La Boheme.
Not a trill or a dot that can shine like that
Of a poem that says where one's heart's truly at.

Right now I need to reach a point of mental stability after what's been happening recently.

I need to reach a point in which I'm fine with the idea that she may never be available to me again. I guess I have myself to blame, however, due to my own actions. I could've had her safely and securely in my grasp, but due to my own arrogance and foolishness, I have not only placed myself in a situation I despise, I must learn to cope with it as it is the only option besides not getting out of bed in the morning.

I want.

What does it matter what I want? Maybe I should focus on what she wants. I'm not even sure what she wants, but I'm sure she'll act in accordance to what she does want, even if I don't know what it is.

I want her to do what she wants.

That's what I want.

So I figured since nobody uses mindsay anymore that posting here would be argumentatively the same as a personal expression of thought like for example a diary. and for a second I doubt myself thinking " Tony you dumbass nobody keeps a diary anymore these days..." but after I think about it I wonder how much of that is true. I mean my whole life if I heard the word diary I would have laughed and thought it was silly. I think of a young teenage girl pouring out her emotions about her boyfriend, or the fight she’s having with her best friend. and I think its safe to say the whole concept of having a diary is much more reasonable and acceptable if the keeper is a female.

 

To be honest if one of my friends from the football team a.k.a the "pain train" were to admit during team dinner that he wrote in a diary each day it probably would have been followed by an awkward moment of silence and a quick change of subject by a watchful teammate attempting to dampen the embarrassment.. The night would have gone on like nothing ever happened. but maybe that’s not the end of the story.

 

Maybe that boy was still embarrassed at himself now. maybe there was a sick feeling in his stomach at how much time he had wasted with his silly childish diary. maybe he would throw it away or even burn it, discarding every record of his history and how he has felt as though it was a sickness. like it was holding him back. when the truth is that book full of paper was the only written proof that he existed. that he was more than just a name.

 

After thinking about it for a while I determined that even though I have never kept a "diary" or any form of documentation to represent my feelings... I cannot deny that I have questioned myself in other ways besides literature. Several times I have asked myself who I am. what I believe in. what I stand for, and so forth. Each time the answer I come up with was slightly, but not dramatically different. I will keep the details quiet because this is surely not a diary, and I have no reason to express my internal feelings. I am simply taking a little time to explore this lovely place I live in from a broader perspective.

 

My conclusion tonight came surprisingly quickly. my poor fingers could never dream of typing anywhere close to as fast as I think., when I actually take a little bit of time out of my day to do so..[2:44 am] .

Nevertheless I decided that every good thing I have done in my life followed a decision. Every choice I ever made had a ending. every cause had an effect. every night had a dawn. and every day had a new opportunity for me to do something great. this is what disappoints me because from my point of view I have not done anything great. I’ve only done good. clearly, this is what I started thinking about some days ago. and it might not make any since to the 2 or 3 people who might actually take their time and read it. however this is my general, non personal beginning, of a story that I can't tell. I cannot simply because I don’t know the ending.

 

 

P.S. ... my intention was to write a blog about the crazy dreams I’ve been having and the spooky windy noise and the anonymous postcard that brought me to writing this "broad perspective" today.. but I have reasons for not continuing thins rant. one because I ran out of time [3:02am] and another because this is once again, surely not a diary and I have no reason to express my personal thoughts literally, however if anybody was actually interested in my story [ doubtful because if I was talking to anybody I probably wouldn’t be on mindsay in the first place] can feel free to start a conversation, which could be considered an excuse for discussing personal things.

My voice is tired
I can barely speak a whisper these words
We clear our minds
And these broken bottles and glasses
Heal our lives.
So drinks to the skies
and blood to your eyes
This rooftop is understanding
So swallow your pride, or choke till you die
Cause this fall's unforgiving
So call on your angels
To get your fall tonight
And I'll crawl on my hands
Pouring out my insides.

I'll wait for you
Hoping to change your mind
Hoping's all I can do.

These days are tired and the nights are overwhelming
As we spoke through silence
A routine silence, with nothing more to say
So drinks to the skies
And blood to your eyes
I'll be understanding
Tonight
I'll understand everything tonight.

I'll wait for you
Hoping to change your mind
Hoping's all I can do.

So I'll wait for you
Hoping to change your mind.
Hoping's all I can do.

And I'm dying because your leaving
Hopes abandoned, my heart's still beating
But I never gave up trying
I did everything for you
I did everything

So I'll wait for you
Hoping to change your mind.
I'll wait for you.

 I have a quiz tomarrow. I'll get to studying for it tonight. (Really, I will, I promise.)

I just got out of work about an hour ago so I deserve to have a little time  to relax and have a cup of coffee.

Besides, I am kicking ass and taking names in my welding class (not literally). I scored a four-point on our last quiz. I scored a three-point-five on my last weld I turned in. I scored a three-point-oh on the last braze I turned in. And I am almost all caught up and ready for the midterm.

The midterm, like I keep saying, is going to be tough. It consists on three welds, three torch cuts, and a braze. I have three hours to complete all of them (but I'll probably only need about half that time), and I'll only be given enough steel do do those things. I will not be given any other chance. If I screw up I have to turn it in as is and take the grade. Aghhh, pressure! :( 

I'm a little worried, But I think I'll do OK. I hopefully will have enough time in tomarrow's class to practice. The midterm is after we get back from spring break in two weeks. Roger, our instructor said he may give us the first day back so that we can practice. But I'm not going to be banking on that. I mean, I really do need to be ready.

The main reason why I think it's cause for worry is that so far all the welds and brazes that I've turned in have been the fourth or fifth try (or more). I can do the welding but so far is always take me a few tries to get it looking good. My first tries aren't horrible but they aren't great either. After a few tries I get to the point where I know they can pass. For the midterm I won't have this luxury. I have one shot, that's it, sink or swim. If I mess up, that's it, my grade goes down.

If this is what the midterm is going to be like I may be really screwed when it comes to the final. But I think it will be about the same but maybe more.

Anyway, wish me luck and pray I don't screw up.

 

Thanks,

Mark