Playwright @ MindSay

Since I have been thawed out from being frozen for 417 years, I have noticed that my husband, William Shakespeare, has become quite the man to talk about. I was rather confused, considering, all he did was write a few plays that were preformed by men in tights and makeup in front of audiences who, for one cent, could come get drunk and get all their cross-dressing men fantasies out for the week... Plus, when they weren't drunk, they were usually off in a corner fornicating (We liked to do a lot of that back then).

I am just baffled that there are people who have dedicated their entire lives to the life of one man. 
Like, look at this guy:

First of all, what in God's name is he looking at?? My hubby up in heaven??

Second of all, this guy, Dr. Ace G. Pilkington (which I swear has to be a fake name), got his DOCTORATE in my husband at Oxford. If you're going to spend the $30,000 a year for an education at Oxford, one of the most prestigious universities in the world, why spend it on a doctorate in one person. Why not a doctorate in English overall??

This is the type of person who gets a masters degree in Arthurian Literature: Literature written about the legendary (made-up) character, King Arthur. I can remember my bewilderment a few years back, when I visited my dear old friend while she was attending university. She was taking a class called "Arthurian Legend" taught by an professor who was an expert in this field. As I sat in on the class, I found myself completely confused. The professor talked as if Arthur was a real person and had once been alive. She spoke of various intellectual discussions she had had with other Arthurian experts about this made-up character, and conferences she had attended where experts presented their amazing Arthurian "findings" to other experts.

And also, just for the record, since I'm from 500 years ago, so I would know: If King Arthur had been alive he wouldn't look like this:

He probably look more like this:

Or, even more likely, like this:

In addition, for the record, while we're on the subject of movie versions of people's lives... My husband DID NOT look like this:

If he had, my horrific, estranged marriage would have been a whole lot better.

Yesterday, while browsing around MindSay for people who had tags of Willy's name, I came upon a young lady by the name of Stargazer911. Stargazer911 expressed her undying love for my husband, and proceeded to call him HER husband. Of course, I couldn't just sit around and read these obvious lies, so I calmly left her an adult message:

Your husband?? Your husband? William was married to me!! That dirty bastard!!! I would kill him if he wasn't already dead! (I was going to add Get your hands off of him you bitch! but I decided against it).

Her response was downright unlady-like:

Who are you and what is this nonsense about you married to MY hubby?   Don't  you call him names I say!  I see you for what you are, an imposter!  You want to rub off on his fame don't you?  Well I must warn you, don't you dare dare!!!  I am a very loyal and disillusioned wife as you can see your grace.

She then wandered over to my blog and left a message about the spiritual awakening she experienced after meeting my husband. In my time, spirtual anythings were related to God, the heavenly father, NOT to my husband. Of all people, my husband would be the worst to discuss anything spiritual with. He believed in the old Greek gods of Apollo and Olympus (look at the gods who are in or mentioned in his plays).

I find you Americans (I believe that's what a lot of you call yourselves, although I am not sure. I am still trying to figure out what this word is because it did not exist in my time) to be very odd people. I do not believe any group quite like yours existed in my time. We certainly didn't dedicate our lives to ancient people. Except maybe Socrates... or Plato... or Homer (However, I believe you study him too... Although, we had no work where he said the phrase, "DOH!" ).

7. What was Shakespeare's father's name?
a) Paul
b) William
c) Michael
d) John

I already talked about John and his wife Mary in one of the previous questions. John was a good man. He was a great father-in-law and a great grandfather to my children. We had a lot of gloves to wear... Papa John was a glove maker if you didn't know. He only knew how to make female gloves though... It was great for my daughters and me because we always had beautiful, new lace gloves to wear for every special occasion, however, William always had to wear the lacey ones too. He didn't seem to mind though. He said he was used to it because when he was little he used to try on and wear his mother's clothes and gloves around the house, all the time. He loved painting his lips red and cheeks pink as well. He couldn't really fit into her shoes though.

8. Shakespeare lived during the reign of which English monarchs?
a) Queen Elizabeth I and King Richard IV
b) Queen Mary I and Queen Victoria
c) Queen Elizabeth I and King James I
d) King Henry VIII and Queen Elizabeth

Williams worked under Queen Elizabeth for most of his life. The last few years were under bisexual King James. Here is a very realistic portrait of James getting his weekly grooming by his handmaids. This picture has rarely been seen.

9. What was the name of Shakespeare's house in Stratford?
a) Palace Green
b) New Place
c) Tara
d) Tallwood

Ahhh… New Place. Home sweet home. I loved my old house with my 10 warm fireplaces and two barns (Yes, the picture shows the house in a city. I never understood why we needed barns in the middle of a city, but whatever! They made great servants quarters.... HAHAHA I'm just kidding. We had no servants! Will was too cheap for them... Not to cheap to hire male prostitutes though!)

I felt so high class when William bought this second largest house in Stratford. It was definitely much more roomier than my current living quarters.

10. Shakespeare's daughter Susanna married this man in 1607:
a) Christopher Marlowe
b) Dr. John Hall
c) Thomas Quiney
d) Simon Callow

HAHA. Chrissy Marlowe would be rolling around in laughter! I already mentioned my Susie married a doctor… John Hall was a good man and very good to my daughter. He did a lot for me when William died, including be in charge of his will. Yes, that's right. Of course my husband would leave another MAN in charge of his will and not his own wife!!! He may have liked to prance around in my clothing, but he certainly did not trust me!

10. In 1608, the King's Men bought which popular theatre?
a) The Swan
b) The Rose
c) Blackfriars Theatre
d) The Globe

Nope, nope, nope! It’s not The Globe! William also produced plays in the winter, which The Globe could not handle. His buddy, Richard Burbage, inherited Blackfriars from his dead father and that’s where they put on their winter shows.

11. When were Shakespeare's collected sonnets first published?
a) 1560
b) 1620
c) 1609
d) 1616

I only knew this one because I was so angry when Thomas Thorpe stole the rights from me! I should have been the one to gain from my husband’s work, but noooo, little Tommy had to go right ahead and steal all 154 of those stupid 14 line pieces of crap. Everyone thinks the King of the English Language made each of his sonnets 14 lines because he had a deep understanding and connection with the English language. Bull! He just ran out of things to say!!

By the way, I have started the Anti-Tommy [Winston- hehe... Geeky middle name] Thorpe Society (ATTS). Please visit www.thorpestolewhatwasrightfullymine.com for more information and to donate to this very deserving cause.

12. What was the first name of Shakespeare's paternal grandfather and where was his farm located?
a) Robert; Stratford
b) Richard; Warwick
c) James; Essex
d) Richard; Snitterfield

Richard had his farm in Snitterfield. William took me past the old farm once when we were courting. I found it very peaceful. Peaceful enough to get pregnant on at least. Like they say in Snitterfield - There's no better place to snog than in Snitterfield.

13. Shakespeare's daughter, Judith, married this man in 1616:
a) Timon Glasdale
b) Thomas Quiney
c) Richard Burbage
d) Edward Allen

Firstly, Richard Burbage?? William's play buddy? Gross. He was like an uncle to Judy. You people are sick these days. No morals.

Secondly, ahhh… Judy… My poor Judy. An unlucky question number for an unlucky girl. Much like many younger siblings, Judy felt she could not live up to high standards set by her older sibling, and therefore fell into the trap of a horrible man. Thomas Quiney was a horribly irresponsible man who failed to get the proper marriage licensures, causing him and my daughter to be excommunicated. Also, 11 days after the wedding, he was charged with adultery or “carnal copulation” as we called it those days. So embarrassing… The poor whore he screwed while he was courting my Judy died leaving a child behind. My family wishes to forget it all.

This family portrait shows:
Back row: William, Dr. John Hall, Judith,
Centre row: ME!!, Susanna, Thomas Quiney
Front row: Elizabeth (Susanna's daughter).

See... Tom even refused to stand for the family picture. What a deadbeat! He's just slouching around on that chair. That was (still is I suppose) an antique!!

On another note, my results to another quiz: You are 40% Juliet. Young, lovely, new to the world. You've led a sheltered life and feel deeply about the things around you; you are capable of earnest, violent emotion. Once you fix yourself upon a path, you can commit to it no matter what.

HAHA... Hilarious. Willy got the idea for Juliet from a dream I had! Of course, he never told anyone that! And don't get me started on iambic pentameter...

Here's the latest Juliet and a recent portrait of me... I think we look pretty similiar, don't you? Hmm... Maybe I should go on MTV's I Want a Famous Face. Or perhaps just get some sun.

So, I suppose I am an expert when it comes to the famous "playwright." I damned well hope so! After all I sacrificed for that bastard, I better know his rotten life!! I mean... I'm just kidding! He was wonderful... amazing... a genius... and you can get all his plays here, on Amazon.com. All the profits go to the Feed Shakespeare's Children Fund (Yes, I understand all his children are dead, but I promise all the money still goes to a good cause!).

*Note: Quizes were provided by about.com and allthetests.com.
*Second note: I know there are two #10's, but 10 was William's favorite number and therefore in his horrific honor, I am leaving my mistake as be.

Respectfully,
Anne Hathaway-Shakespeare-King
(Yes, I was once married to Larry King... A dead girl has to survive deterioration somehow)

I've noticed that there are a lot of quizzes about my late husband, the king of the word himself (as he liked me to call him), Mr. William Shakespeare. I decided it would be only fitting if I, his wife, Anne Hathaway-Shakespeare (That's right. I hyphenate. I am a modern woman for my times), attempt to take one of these quizzes and see how well I knew my husband...

Shakespeare's Life: The Quiz
(He is rolling over in his grave for this and I love it)

1. Where was Shakespeare born?
a)Venice
b)Paris
c) London
d) Stratford-upon-Avon

What a horribly stupid question. Obviously Will is considered the most famous of all BRITISH playwrights (which would make you think I should be the most famous of all British playwrights' wife, but no... Do you think he'd mention me in one of his trashy plays?!), and therefore he was born in England. Most unintelligent people would believe he was a native Londoner, but such he was not. He was born in little old Stratford, where I located after marrying him. However, most of the time he left our children and me all alone to fend for ourselves, while he pranced about in London, writing his "masterpieces," as he called them. Rubbish is my term for them. Who wants to see a bunch of men dancing around in makeup and costumes, confessing their undying love for each other? I am surprised her lady, Majesty Queen Elizabeth, hadn't had him executed!

2. When was Shakespeare born?
a) April 19, 1700
b) August 10, 1489
c) April 23, 1564
d) March 15, 1568

The most acceptable answer to this hideously tricky question is April 23, 1564 (making my husband a ripe, old 441 two days ago, if he were still alive). However, no one except his close, extended family (which nowadays exists of solely moi ) knows his real birthday. So-called Shakespeare “scholars” (I still find it funny that there are people who dedicate their entire lives to my husband’s short existence) like to believe my hubby was born on April 23rd because he died on April 23rd, but what are the chances of someone dying on their birthday? It’s around a .27% chance (although I’m horrible at arithmetic, so my calculations could be incorrect). Do you really think my husband was clever enough to die on his own birthday? Will LOVED birthdays… He would do anything in the world not to die on his own. Just because public record shows he was baptized on April 26, 1564, does not mean he was born three days earlier.

3. Where is Shakespeare buried?
a) Rome
b) London
c) Stratford
d) Oxford

Considering I am buried directly adjacent to him, I can say for sure the answer is C) Stratford – In the same church William was baptized and had his funeral. Yes, I am writing from the grave. I tapped into the Comcast Cable line that runs underneath Holy Trinity Church. Once the church went wireless, it was really easy to tap into the church’s cable modem.

Want to know a secret? The “scholars” I referred to earlier believe Willy actually wrote his epitaph himself. Little do they know, William never planned on dying. He had invested most of his money from his plays (which should have gone to feeding our hungry children) in cryogenics. However, refrigeration at the time was scarce and underdeveloped. Too bad!!! Who wrote the inscription on Mr. Shakespeare’s famous last resting place? While I am not the best writer, I will take credit where it is due.

4. How many children did Shakespeare have?
a) 3
b) 1
c) 2
d) 6

Well, this would be pretty hard to forget. The answer is three. Three wonderful children. After two times (and when I say times, I do not mean times I pushed melons through my unseen parts), William lost interest in me. We had beautiful, angel Susanna in 1583 (who eventually married a doctor!), and then the twins, Judith and Hamnet, came two years later. Hamnet died suddenly when he was 11, leaving me bitter about the world, and about my husband, who was gallanting around London at the time with his actor buddies. Losing a child is something I hope no parent ever has to experience, however, it was very common in my day.

Since this question is somewhat sex related, I feel I should make a statement about premarital sex. In my day, it was considered to be unholy and blasphemous, however, I was in love. So what if I was 26 and pregnant and he was 17 when we got married? What is so wrong with that? You cannot help whom you fall in love with! And my father had nothing to do with William marrying me! He loved me!

5. How many siblings did Shakespeare have?
a) 0
b) 7
c) 3
d) 14

It seems the John and Mary Shakespeare got down to business much more than their son and his wife. They had eight children, however many of them died from the plague when they were young. Will was very lucky to survive as long as he did. I think the creepiest Shakespeare story I was ever told (Mama Mary told me this one at a luncheon one afternoon) was the story of William’s oldest sister, Joan. Joan was born and died within her first year of life from the plague. 11 years later, they had another girl and also named her Joan. The Shakespeares used to joke around that Joan was really a ghost who came back to life, which I always found rather creepy. I know Joan never liked this joke and always had problems going to her sister’s grave because she felt like she was staring at her own. Later, scholars would say William came up with the phrase “came back from the dead,” however, I know the real origin of this phrase.

6. Shakespeare married this Anne in 1582:
a) Anne Gables
b) Anne of Cleves
c) Anne Faithful
d) Anne Hathaway

That bitch Anne of Cleves has no right to be in this question. She wasn’t even British. Snobby French… And the other two aren’t even real people. Who made this quiz?? At least pick real people to make it challenging!! And Anne “Faithful” better be referring to me! I was faithful to that adulterous piece of shit to the day her died.

Here is a picture of two voodoo dolls taken from a stalker-fan of Will's. Mysteriously, the strange headaches Will and I had been having for week's disappeared the day this particular stalker was arrested.

*NOTE: I don't remember William ever having red hair.

More to come...