Playground @ MindSay 
park
So, I’ve had better days. Overall it wasn’t bad, but it also… there were some pretty negative moments. Whole morning was okay; it was recess. Recess had a LOT of stuff wrong with it today. It started when Kaitlin, Quinn, Lexxey, and someone else came over to Claudia and I to tell us about a not-so-nice game that was going on.
A was the target of this game. Kids acted like they were playing tag with him, but in reality, the rules were that you didn’t want him to get you, and if he got you, you had to get someone else. And no one would talk to you. This whole time, I was pretty convinced I taught at a school full of some pretty amazing kids who were able to ignore the serious issues of a fellow student. Apparently, I was giving them too much credit. I was so hurt and angry about this, that when we had them line up and wanted to talk to them, I was just biting back tears and unable to say ANYTHING; Claudia had to do all the talking.
Oh yeah; and I accidentally yelled at Lindsay (a tutor/para). She started to dismiss the 6th graders to go in, and I was so upset and trying so hard to not cry in front of all of them (though in reality, it might have been good for them to physically see how upset I was), I said, “NO!” but really it was as loud as it was to let them know they weren’t going in yet, NOT at her. Either way, she was pretty visibly upset with me, and stormed inside. I was able to find her later to try to apologize after reading group, and she said, “I know you didn’t mean it. I’m just really sick and they usually wait for me to dismiss them for some reason and you were just upset because of the situation”….but I cried anyway. I HATE hurting people’s feelings. I’ve had mine hurt enough that I never want to do it to ANYONE.
Skipping some other AMAZING things that happened, let's fast forward to Miss Vicky time, when E started out with, "I'm on Miss E's team. So there will be a grown-up on each side, and also because it's stupid to put 2 kids on the same side who don't get along". MEANWHILE, in the real world, they've been getting along GREAT the last month or so, but...shh. Anyway, about 10 minutes into our half-hour game, he voluntarily switched so the 2 of them were on the same side. And when A messed up, he encouraged him. He gave him pointers of what to do. When A did great, he congratulated him like an adult! <33
But the one better, the one that brought tears to my eyes... 15 minutes later, at recess. When I got out there, E was bouncing the basketball on the court. He stopped and said, "Where's A?" and I told him I had just seen him walking up towards the structure. And he actually put the ball down and went to go find him.
Holy shit. I can't say it more eloquently than that. I've been waiting for this since September.
I know it doesn't seem like much...but it is. It really frickin' is. I KNOW, it was kind of like, "The best I can do right now is the other kid in my program", not a be-all/end-all "I like this kid", but... instead of playing alone, he actively went to go find A and played with him. I am the happiest teacher in all of America today. Scratch that; the entire planet.
And as a final nail in my Happy Coffin (maybe not the best way to describe it? Oops), Nichole called today, and barring any huge incidents the next 2 days, D is being released from his program and might be back with us as early as Monday. :) <3
By now, you all know that I'm a non-smoker. Really, the only part about this that has been tough has been trying to figure out how to best utilize the time that I used to spend smoking. For instance, driving in the car--well, now I sing like an American Idol, and it's fun!
Breaks at work have been tough. Usually I would spend them outside smoking. I liked being outside for that time even when it was cold or snowing or raining so I don't want to stop doing that. My job is indoors, sitting, so I have decided that I will still spend my breaks outside.
But what to do?
Well, just walking aimlessly has been the routine since I quit, and that's great. Healthier for me in a lot of ways, that's for sure.
Today, my afternoon break rolled around and I grabbed my coat to head outside for my walk. In a drastic change from all last week, it has been cold here-today only 32 degrees. (Last week in the high 40s to 50s). But, it is so bright and sunny out today, it looks a whole lot nicer than it actually is. Undeterred, I set out for my walk, through lovely Augsburg Park in Richfield. (Fortunately, my library sits on the park grounds, so I don't have to walk TO the park to walk in the park). I am walking and thinking that it is actually quite a beautiful day, even though it's chilly. With the sun shining and a light breeze bringing the smells of spring, I was enjoying myself. As I headed down the last curve of the trail (right before I have to turn back) I registered the fact that for the first time....EVER....there were no children on the playground. None. Zip. Zilch. Nada.
There are always kids on the playgroud part, even if just kids from the high school hanging out. But then, it is spring break.
Suddenly, I was overcome with the childlike urge to play. So I did.
I climbed, I jumped, I did the twisty slide and the tunnel slide, I tried the monkey bars (but I have no arm strength and I am too tall, so I could just walk them) I spent a minute on the swings; and I was laughing the whole time. Part of it was that I felt kind of silly playing out there by myself, but mostly I was laughing because it was fun.
And then I thought....I would have never done this as a smoker. It's true. Smokers don't play outside...they smoke outside, that is what outside is for-to a smoker. And for the first time, I felt lucky to be a non-smoker, finally.
As I walked back to the library to get back to work, I couldn't stop smiling. My day is actually better because I was outside and didn't smoke. It's good. Very, very good.
12 days.
The method of wish-making, one learns through one's lifetime, is simply dependent on what materials one has at hand. Stars, digital clocks, dreams, candles, small change, mountain peaks under your feet, the instant before you hit the water - I've yet to have someone tell me that I CAN'T wish on something. I may just decide that every time my friend wears a red tie, I get to make a wish. Why not? Most guys look good dressed up, and he makes me happy. Being happy is surely enough reason to make a wish.
And the playground, with the kids, is a very happy place. The sky seems to always be that blazing autumn blue, and by some quirky feat of meteorology, all the clouds vacate the premises shortly before we head out for afternoon playtime. There are a few aspens scattered around, some relative of the crabapple, and a terrifically sized plant that doesn't care whether its labeled a vine or a bush - it's going to take over the chain-link and ignore our petty classifications. Gold circles litter the wood chips, and the kids are running and yelling, climbing over the wood castle and other platforms, digging in the sand and dirt, presenting us with their finds.
Incidentally, to the boys I have, worms are desirable, slugs are gross. I have no explanation, but I'm usually presented with about three of the former before the afternoon is out. I understand this to be a gesture of affection, and dearly hope that this trend continues through their elementary years.
One of the girls has wandered over my way, and she's teaching me how to make a wish here. First, you find a good leaf. It needs to be one that's fallen, you can't take leaves off the trees because that hurts the trees. It has to still be golden and waxy (or, "soft") - if it's grey and crunchy, it's dead, and wishes can't grow from something dead. You turn the leaf over and make sure it's perfect. You close your eyes and wish really hard, then you open them, and kiss the leaf. Then, in a hole that you've already dug in the wood chips, you gently place it in the soft dirt, and carefully cover it up.
In the spring, it will grow into a brand new tree, and that's how you know your wish will come true.
Kisses are one of the best things to make wishes on. I think a kiss is a wish, in a different way - it's something your heart knows that your mind maybe doesn't. I sometimes do it without thinking, just the, "I love you," without strings attached. You can't have strings attached to a kiss unless it's returned. My family a kiss-on-the-cheek or the head sort of deal, my cousin's is a kiss on the mouth, which always seemed weird to me, but it's still love.
Is love the wish, or the seed of the wish? I think as soon as you start to love, you have a wish for that person - that they'll still be in your life years from now, that things will go well for them, that you'll get to see them grow and succeed, that they'll have a friend to turn to when the storms blow in their life. I don't know. I'm still young in the ways of love, how much could I understand? I love these kids, differently than I love my friends, differently than I love my sisters, differently than I love my love. Means so much, means different things, but maybe at its heart, means exactly the same thing.
Hello, world! I can't talk to much right now, because I'm supposed to be babysitting, but I thought I'd write a quick entry. 
Right now I've got to go outside and watch Thomas in the sandbox. I'm taking him to the park later. Expect an entry later!
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