Pissed Off @ MindSay 
angry
Back in January we got a 2 month old puppy, Bella. She's an Australian shepherd/border collie mix with blue eyes. Weighed 6 pounds when we got her, now weighs 60+ pounds. She's still a big baby. :)
Justin went back to work at the university a month or so later, for the spring semester. During the summer, he had off work so we spent every day together.. all day. Overall, it was a good summer (I say was 'cause he's back to work now.. another thing I'm upset about. More on that later.) but there are some things I'm rather angry about.
First the good stuff. We went fishing A LOT. One day, caught 70 pounds worth of channel catfish. We gave those to Dave for his dad, who loves catfish. ...Eek. I only catch 'em. The only fish I'll eat is tuna. How weird. Anyway. Then, the first week of July, my mum flew Justin and I up to Massachusetts. We had a great week... went to Plum Island to fish and caught nothing but a sunburn. (o_0) Went to New Hampshire for Justin to experience tax-free shopping, Lawl. Showed him my old house in Ipswich, and went to pick strawberries at the orchard. We really didn't do a whole lot, it was mostly showing him where I grew up and junk. It sucks so bad 'cause I just miss home even more since we came back to Ohio... I hate it 'cause everything here is Justin's... I feel like I'm living in his life.. all I see when I look around the apartment is his stuff... his past... all the shit he shared with his cunt of an ex. Nothing here is mine except a box and a few bags of stuff I brought with me.. I don't feel like this is our stuff, our life.. It's his.
All the shit he brought from their old place.. the boxes still have HER name on them... what makes it worse.. he doesn't understand. "Technically it's ours" ...sorry baby, but.. shut up. Not at all. Not to mention that everything around here makes me think of his past shit... all the things he's done with other people. I have no memories from this state except the ones that I created by moving here. I don't think he understands how much of a fucking sacrifice I made to be with him. And he does NOTHING to make me feel better about it.. Example.. I have a really hard time trusting people... Justin included. and he's been giving me more and more reasons to not trust him.. For one, I found out that he has pictures of his ex (amongst other girls that aren't me) in his wallet... I call him on it.. he says it doesn't matter.. it's the past.. all that cliche shit. I tell him there's no fucking reason for it... if it doesn't matter, fuckin' get rid of them. He knows for a god damned fact that it upsets me and he does nothing about it. And also, I stumble across new profiles of his on various dating sites that he created 5 months after we started dating. ...I call him on that one too. He says bullshit about "I'm a guy" ...and that he was "curious" ......... Are you fucking kidding me!? How many guys do I know that wouldn't do that shit if they have a girlfriend that they truly love? If you're as happy as you say you are with me.. there is no fucking reason to be curious about what else is out there. Are you planning something in case we break up? A fucking back up slut? I asked him a thousand questions.. Am I missing something? Not tall enough? Blonde enough? skinny enough? Not slutty enough? Not a bitch? Don't look like a fucking transvestite? (All his so called favorites on the sites.. looked like fucking dudes. I said that, too. He replied: "Maybe to you!") Wow.
I didn't know he could be such an asshole. Either way, I made him feel like total and complete shit. But did he do anything about it? Take a guess. Nope. I'm wondering... where was I when he made these profiles? How honestly happy is he with me... does he love me as much as he claims? Does he deserve my trust? What the fuck else is he gonna do/has he done?
He's made so many promises to me.. and hasn't kept most them... Most of the shit he told me.. has proved false. He's not nearly as attentive and affectionate as he claimed. "I can't wait to cuddle with you every night.." <-- yeah, uh huh. Only after sex. For a very minimal time, actually.
I've been here almost a year, and he still hasn't helped me in finding a job.. and gets all "I'm sorry, I'm an asshole." make me feel guilty dramatic shit whenever I fucking say that.
Now, he's back to work... promised we'd go out Thursday and look for a job... then goes and tells his boss yes, I'll work Thursday when he was only scheduled yesterday and today. God, I'm so angry.
Well, needless to say, I've been very unhappy... every time I try to talk to him, it makes things worse, so I've been keeping everything to myself. And I will continue to do so until I explode in a fit of rage. Good times, right?
Who knows, every little thing is adding up fairly quickly now and I've been crying on and off since last night.. Maybe I'll force myself to get through the exploding tonight. I need to see change happen... I'm slowly getting more and more homesick because of his fucking shenanigans. I don't love him any less, I just don't trust him for shit. If I didn't love him as much as I do.. I've be calling my mum and telling her to get me home. But because I do.. I believe we're going to be together a long time... if not forever.. I feel like it's worth fixing. I need to tell him all of this (some of it again, some for the first time.) but either way, he needs to know exactly how I feel... and how strongly I feel it. 'cause if I simply tell him, it won't help.. he needs to feel what I feel.
Let me now get back to the good stuff, 'cause I'm feeling more determined, less pissed off. :)
For Dave's birthday, we made him a catfish cake since he loves catching them so much. It came out great! We actually make a double layer sheet cake, and carved the catfish out of that. Frosted it, covered it in fondant(sugar paste) and added the details; whiskers, tail, fins, lips. We even got the type of bobber he uses, and attached it to a circle hook, and attached the whole thing to the cake. The inspiration for this being one day when we were fishing, Dave's bobber disappeared and the next thing we saw was it "swimming" away. The fish pulled it through a fallen tree and it snapped the line. So, somewhere in the lake is a huge cat with a bobber attached to it. Heh, heh. Anyway, he LOVED the cake. Justin and I are going to open a bakery one day. Sooner than later hopefully.
Other stuff that happened this summer: ->I took a part-part time job taking care of a couple's animals on the weekends. They have two dogs and three cats. Justin comes with me and we bring Bella.. the dogs have a great time together and we have fun watching them do so. :D Good pay for two days, too. :) I still need a during the week job, though.
->Justin and I have decided that we're going to write/make a movie. Doing plenty of research and planning for that.
->Opening a bakery.
->Finding a new place in November.
->What I love about when Justin and I talk.. he talks about the future.. like the house he wants and he always says "we" like he secretly (:P) wants me to be in his life for that. That's how I know he is just a big dummy who doesn't quite realize what he's doing. I just need to really get it through his skull that it's not okay and he needs to give me more reason to trust him.. we'll make it work.
->Seen a bunch of movies
->enjoyed the weather
->Got bored of writing this. :P
I just sent Justin a long ass text. and I've bored of writing. we've got to go look for a job when he gets outta work today and call the aquarium place today about our fishies.
[Over and out.]
-Jess
infuriated
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Albert Einstein
To whom it may concern (you know who you are):
You constantly say the same thing over and over again and it makes me feel uncomfortable. It's not necessarily the words themselves, but what they imply. I've told you time and time again that when you say this IT MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE and being uncomfortable MAKES ME ANGRY. I have no idea why you think this "bargining" that you try to do is going to come out in your favor. IT NEVER FUCKING DOES! This is the last straw. If that phrase ever comes out of your mouth again you will definitely get different results, but not the results you're used to getting and certainly not the results you'd like to get.
 | Currently reading : Lover Enshrined (Black Dagger Brotherhood, Book 6) By J.R. Ward Release date: 2008-06-03  |
with like everything in my life right now. and i'm really short tempered and i feel the inclinition to ignore certain things because i'm worried that i might snap and make a mistake or say something that i don't mean because i'm very stressed out right now. there are so many things going on in my head, i don't even know where to begin in terms of writing about them. i'm stressed out because of school, i'm stressed out trying to find new room mates, i'm stressed out over this stupid situation with albert, the fact that i don't really have any one to hang out with other than reanna n she makes me feel like shit, i'm stressed that i haven't lost the weight i was supposed to lose by May, and i'm stressed cuz stuart needs to take a fucking chill pill. no, i haven't read ur replies yet cuz i'm pissed off about enough things in life right now that i don't need to lose my temper over something that's not a big fucking deal. I've told u, when u call, its bad fucking timing. i'm SORRY that i take my studies seriously, i'm SORRY that i want to graduate in four years so i decided to take four classes this semester, i'm SORRY that i want to get into grad school so i'm doing work in a professor's lab. i'm SORRY that i don't have time for you! but guess what? anna n jeanie can tell u that i don't have time for them, either. the last time i talked to anna on the phone was last week cuz i had 20 mins to kill before my next class, n the last time i talked her and jeanie before that was a couple weeks ago. i don't even have time to call emo jimmy n the one time that i did he didn't answer. if u can't fucking wait until school is over to talk to me n u can't be fucking understanding of the fact that i have a lot of shit going on, then fuck off. i'm fucking sorry. i've got three more damn weeks n if it weren't for the fact that i'm already stressed out n pissed off about 12 other things, this wouldn't even be that big of a deal. the only reason i'm still updating on here is because i need some place where i can vent my fucking feelings BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE TIME TO TALK TO THE PEOPLE I NORMALLY WOULD GET THIS SHIT OUT TO!!
oh, let's not forget my fucking financial issues...mike STILL won't pay me the bill money he owes me, we finally got how much gas $ we owe for ppl for WPA, but the rooms still aren't figured out n the reimbersments aren't figured out yet, either. I HAVE A FUCKING BUDGET! i'm sorry my parents don't just fucking hand me money n i have to work for shit n bust my ass to save up money so i don't starve or end up on the street cuz i can't afford my rent!
i hate everything right now.
Dixie currently feels:
Annoyed 
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So sick of PVA glue.
So sick of staining my hands pink with drawing ink.
So sick of fabric paint all over my arms.
So sick of crepe paper getting all mushy under the glue.
So sick of cutting fabrics, glueing them down in random patterns and calling it art.
I FUCKING HATE TEXTILES!!!!!!!
Today we had a 3 hour exam preperation, where we did nothing for 3 hours but sit, paint in our sketchbooks and annotate random shite about and around random shite.
Tomorrow I have another 3 hours of Textiles, only we're starting the real exam.
And that's 3 hours of TEN.
...Argh, you know.
I'm a decent drawer, I'm a decent artist - I just CAN'T BE ARSED WITH TEXTILES.
It's one of my courses I may even come close to failing.
And I won't give a shit, to be frank.
Fuck Art & Design Textiles.
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