Pissed @ MindSay

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I seriously fucking scared myself today.
I was reunited with that blackened, blankened emptiness in my head - the very same one I had when I spat on Ash from the top of the wonky stairs, when I punched her in the face by construction and the several major arguments with Shelly where I came close to strangling her.
 
I don't even remember what the build up to it was - I can only remember the during and the afterwards.
I remember getting more and more frustrated with her, knowing she was being a fucking stupid cunt as usual - being so damned selfish, self-centred, self-important, spiteful and generally immature - to the point where I ended up leaning over her, pinning her to my bed by her shoulders - actually not using a massive amount of strength, but she wasn't able to fight me off.
 
I wasn't violent - I didn't hit her - but I spoke with that incredibly sarcastic, patronising, calm-yet-very-violent tone - making no effort to swallow excess saliva - so when I said my harsh consonants, she got my wet rage on her cheeks. And I said a lot of harsh consonants.
 
I wanted her to be scared, and I knew when Shelly gets  that scared, she has accidents. I wanted her to piss herself - I wanted her to be humiliated, ashamed - I wanted her to have no control over herself.
I spoke to her like this for about 10 minutes, then went to sit at my computer for a while. What I did, I don't remember - but she didn't move - she stayed on my bed, laid in the same position.
 
I went back over to her afterwards and returned to what I was doing previously - but harsher.
At one point, I saw her flush red and she started crying hard - as opposed to the watery eyes she'd had for the rest of the time. I had a feeling I may have accomplished what I set out to do - but I made her admit to it to humiliate her further.
 
There's another gap in my recollection - but after this, I went to lay in my special space - between my bed and drawers. I took a pillow and laid on the floor, my head by the boiler and my feet by the desk. I cried a little bit, because I felt guilty. Then I cried a lot, because I was depressed and ashamed.
I couldn't apologise for a very long time - nor could I bring myself to look at Shelly. She made me eventually and I gave a sort-of apology. I don't think it was good enough, but she assured me that it was.
 
She made me tell her some events from "5 to 15" that I don't like talking about. She insists that they have some answers to why I feel the way I do now.
 
Well I'm willing to bet they do - but not as significant as she makes out. She fucking assumes wrong all the time. How dare she fucking assume and then go ahead to state that I ENJOY feeling depressed all the time. No, I'm not fucking content in my own depression. If that was the fucking case, I wouldn't have agreed to more sessions with Dianne. I wouldn't fight with myself every fucking night to stop myself cutting.
She is the fucking stupidest cunt I know. Who the fuck would say I enjoy being depressed? You can CLEARLY fucking see that I don't! Anybody could fucking tell you that!!

Pray tell, you self-centred twat - why do I need to know this?
I didn't like him anyway. I know it wasn't you who pushed me away from everyone else on there, but you know exactly how I feel about the entire group. I barely even talk to you now - why the fuck do you message me for the first time in weeks (btw, you totally forgot about my 18th birthday last week, and Lisa remembered, you didn't) - just to tell me that your long-distance boyfriend has just left?
It would have been mean of me to say that I hope it was the last time he left and he never came back - you're a fucking idiot for having a long distance romance - where's the fucking connection?
Oh yeah, that's right - it's a fucking MODEM connection.

What's the point? You can't hug, you can't kiss and you can't even hear or see each other - you've been "dating" online for how long? Absolute retards.
I don't message people for the first time in months just to let them know I've finished having sex with my girlfriend. Why would I do that? You wouldn't care - and I certainly don't give a shit about your love life - or make that, online conversations.

Oh boy , this is funny. my roomate..who has never had to work for anything... is on my back more so than my mom lately about me finding work. now i can understand u being like..hey, u shuld try here or u shuld try there, but to be like.."u need to stop sleeping during the day and find a job" is not acceptable. especially after i was explaining how my energy has been like oddly low lately. and ive had this one sided headache that has been plagueing me for like two weeks and counting. Im just really sick of it cuz its not like im not trying..and she told me that i can use her car to look for work while she is in class and all of a sudden now she is gonna "write down the bus schedule and leave me $5"...way to keep ur word.

 

and what also pisses me off is that ive been the only person cleaning the apt since dec and when ppl talk about how the apt looks.she uses the word "we" when talking about cleaning..like today i was talking to one of her friends about the ant problem the apt has and how i mopped and cleaned the kitchen and they like multiplied..out of no where she starts sayin "yea we wuld scrub the floors and they just eep coming". i swear, i wanted to be like."we scrubbed?" lol, but i was nice. She never cleans, unless its her room and thats only if a boy she likes is coming over...she'll do her room and then il do the rest of the apt...as usual. im gettin sick of it. ugh. and i was supposed to go to sleep but i got too ADD and started lookin stuff up..which sucks cuz i have to go to urgent care about my headache among other things..then i gotta look for work, and after all that buy some groceries with wat little money i have and then look at an apt my friends are interested in. life is just great u know.

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After my mood slightly rose last night with the parmo and Resident Evil combination - I suspected that I may feel slightly reasonable today. But no.
Today I've felt worse.

I would have allowed myself to cut my arms - but after mam told me that I might be going to get new shirts tomorrow - and she'd be there, naturally she'd want to see how they look on me - thus, making my arms a dangerous place to cut if I wanted to conceal them.
So I've had to opt for my legs instead, which sucks - because they don't hurt half as much.

Nobody is really helping.
Shelly certainly didn't help by ringing me up this afternoon hyper off her head.
Everyone else is always hyper as fuck or jolly and happy when I feel like slitting my throat.

She's coming to see me - but I can see it being a repeat of Wednesday.
Could even be worse if mam's not at work and insisting on taking me out. :(

I tried to continue DATWBSVOH last night and I only got a sentence out.
Sigh, it looks like I'll be fucking stuck on chapter one forever.

But, one positive I suppose:
Resident Evil: Code Veronica X - Nosterafu is dead, finally. And he didn't manage to poison me.
I'm onto Chris' scenario, but I might save that for when I have an audience.

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Once again, I've had another weird dream.
I often dream about people who used to bully me - but not to the extent that I did last night...

As it were, I was hiding out in a storage cupboard of a library - where I was looked like a cross between my old secondary school and my current college - so I'm unsure as to which one it actually was.
In this cupboard, hiding with me - was another person, a boy with thick brown hair and a chubby face. Him and I were discussing the fact that we often wet ourselves.

(Which I don't - I just have the occassional accident in my sleep - and that only tends to happen if I a) dream about water or b) go to sleep feeling stressed/upset.)

Either way - as the discussion continued - I actually ended up doing that which we were discussing.
Then he seemed to shun me - as if he were embarrassed by what I'd done - despite how hypocritical he was being.
So he shoved me out of the cupboard, and I was instantly met with a gang of around 16 girls, all whom I recognised, all who used to bully me throughout school and college.

I was also stood there in wet jeans - so I made a run for the toilets and locked myself in a cubicle.
Once inside, I was searching my backpack for a pair of clean trousers, when it seemed that the group who confronted me had entered the toilets.
They then proceeded to tear off the door, ripping it clean off its hinges, exposing me stood there in wet underwear.
I started to cry - and cried harder and louder when the lot of them started drenching me with cold water.
All I could hear was myself screaming and all of them laughing - and I could feel the intense cold temperature of that which they were drenching me with.
That's what caused me to wake up - dreaming about water is a bad thing. If it had been warm water, things would have turned out a lot worse.

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I went to nana's at around 10.
I sat with them for a while in the living room, watching various shite programming on Zone Horror and eating Morning Coffee biscuits.

I then went into the front bedroom with nana - I played Super Smash Bros. Brawl and she continued on with this jigsaw that she's been doing for about a fortnight.
It's like a 1960's scene at a horse race - everybody is sat on the roofs of their cars, eating sandwiches, watching the horses.
It's a big strange, but. Whatever turns you on. :)

Before I ate Sunday lunch, I managed to complete 5 characters' All-Star mode scenarios.
Ah, progress. How I love making it.

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I've been in one of those moods today where I haven't been able to decide on what game to play.
I'd start playing one, but within around 20 minutes of playing it, I'd want to swap to another.
Thus, I've been switching from Super Smash Bros. Brawl to Wii Play to Cooking Mama and back again.

Nana likes Cooking Mama. :)
She tends to like fun games, all the better if they have bright colours or cel-shaded graphics.
She loves watching me play LOZ: Wind Waker - for one.

She had a little go at making a creme caramel pudding.
She did well with the mixing - but not so well with cracking eggs and tipping them out of their moulds.
Everything seemed to either splatter or smash. :D

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5 Unexplained Occurances In Super Smash Bros. Brawl
- Now answered! :D

1) Why do the characters EAT heart containers?
a) Because they're strawberry flavoured and they have a sweet liquid centre.

2) Why does Ganondorf produce a sword when he taunts, but never uses it to attack?
a) Because it's a rare Hylian replica, handed down from his crazy grandmother who used it to castrate Dodongos for bomb bags.

3) What the hell is going on with Lugi's mushroom-trip final smash?
a) All of those poison 'shrooms are bound to have an affect on you sooner or later...

4) Where the hell are Porky's eyes?
a) Ness tore them out to adorn his Lucas voodoo doll. Poor Porky is now blind and spends his time rampaging around blindly in his robot, seeking revenge.

5) Why does Lucas' snake taunt look SO wrong?
a) Because Nintendo's artists have a little boy fetish.

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Tomorrow begins my two and a half weeks back at college for the Step Up to A2 timetable.
I'm not looking forward to that, either. :(