Pipe @ MindSay

A lot has happened this week yet I have gotten very little of the productive nature done. First off I don't like Jack Johnson any more because I think he was a talented songwriter who has sold his creative soul to the commercial world. That being said I heard a song of his today that I liked when it was new and now has a new application in my life. The parts that got me were:

"But Lord knows that this world is cruel and I ain't the Lord, no I'm just a fool
learning loving somebody don't make them love you" Can I get an "Amen" brothers?
"But Lord knows that I'm not you and if I was I wouldn't be so cruel cause waiting on love ain't easy to do
must I always be waiting on you must I always be playing your fool"

Everyone is always asking me, "So why aren't you and Ethan together?" and in my mind I say with bitter sarcasm, 'Because he's gay' but out loud I brush it off with, "... Oh... I don't know... we're just such good friends and who wants to mess with that... right?" When we work together we're just constantly going back and forth and customers say things like, "You guys are too cute." "How long have you been together?" "You're just like an old married couple. " etc etc etc ad nausea. I do love that most of these comments are directed at Ethan because I am generally pacing from end to end doing something and he's handing them their stuff.

So, Thanksgiving couldn't have sucked more. I bought all the stuff to do dinner and invited Anne’s boyfriend and everything and she ditched me basically. So I went out to my friends place in the country and we cooked her turkey, talked, drank, watched scary movies just like the pilgrims did. So I guess it wasn't as bad as it could have been but I did cry about it (perhaps my therapist would be happy to hear that?). It's just that it seems like all the people who I want to be there for me or the people who are 'supposed' to be there for me never are but I'm always there for them.

I mean the day Ethan told me that thing I called Steph so that I could sort of sort it out in my mind because I just needed someone to talk to and she is supposed to be my oldest closest friend. She didn't answer and she kept sending me texts saying we'll talk soon or that she couldn't talk today because of this or that. Then Thursday she said she'd call me Friday.... Friday has come and gone and when it got really late I finally called her and no answer. I patiently listen to her when she calls to hash things out because I care. I give her advice and help her define what she thinks and feels about it (I don't tell her what to do I just help her sort out the mess by asking questions and such). By the time we get off the phone she feels better about herself and her decisions, she usually has something to work on or some new goal, tool, or perspective by the time we hang up. I just wanted someone to do that for me and I can't talk to anyone around here about it.

What I need to do is give it all to God. I need a prayer life- then my life will start to feel more like it's supposed to or even more like it used to. I know this but I don't know how to do it. I don't know how prayer became what it is to me. I feel like I'm talking to myself and I can't think of much to say. This is so frustrating because I KNOW God is listening, I know he hears my prayers, and I know it doesn't matter so much what I say but that I commune with HIM. I don't have to form words so much as open my heart. This is my problem I guess, this whole "heart" thing.

I think mine is broken.

Here's another song reference: M. Wards "Chinese Translation"

What do you do with the pieces of a broken heart
and how can a man like me remain in the light
and if life is really as short as they say
then why is the night so long

I've become so... "christian" with a little c. "give it to god" that used to mean something to me. See the thing is you can set your issues in the hands of God, trusting him with your life, essentially, and then bit by bit take parts of it back thinking, "Oh, well I can handle this bit, but thanks for holding on to it for me." Do you know what happens to the bits in my hands? I lose them, I break them, I forget where I put them (but they're somewhere safe I'm sure). The baffling thing is how cold my heart can become even knowing what I know, believing what I believe. I'd rather blog than pray because I don't feel silly when I blog. I used to have a peace now I'm numb and I'm trying to call it peace.

What is it about music that taps so deeply. Whenever I'm trying to talk about how I feel about things Lyrics always pop up. I'm like naturally "Comfortably Numb" but something that's not explicitly said in that song but does seem to be implied is that that is a condition that will tear you apart. You can't stay that way, it's no way to live.

As a side note can I just say I hate eating anymore. I have been overweight my whole life food had always been a comfort for me, making it was therapeutic [because it was often with my mom], eating it was always with people and it was fun and yummy. Now sometimes I binge on processed stuff which I always feel guilty about eating whether it's it normal portions or not. Cooking is such a chore and then no one is going to eat what I make just me. It's like everything I eat or do anything involving the chore of food prep I'm reminded that I'm alone. I have no family, I have no one to share with on a daily basis. Right now my stomach hurts because I haven't eaten since early yesterday. I only eat to make the hunger stop or out of boredom. My friend Amber and I used to get together and make dinner a couple times a week. That was a lot of fun. We had a theme of Mediterranean or vegetarian foods. We don't do that anymore because now she has a boyfriend and I don't even remember when I saw her last. She's become one of those, "Oh we really should get together some time" friends. What's left of Ethans birthday cake is still in the freezer. It's like a corpse. I open t e freezer, I see it, but I try to ignore it because if I acknowledge it it's like admitting I killed it. I made two of those be cause I needed a practice one. I didn't want to screw it up. I should see how putting a little vodka or whiskey in brownies and then freezing them works out because those things were SO hard.

So I got a great psychological trick from a commercial and it really works- maybe not as simply as it does on TV but it works. Last Saturday Ethan and I found a shop where we picked out his first pipe. It was a lot of fun honestly. We were going through all these styles... I like this one... I don't like that one... this ones funny looking... that one's cool. I found the one I wanted him to get and I showed it to him he said he thought it was all right and set it down and talked about another one. So I picked up the one he had shown the most interest in to that point and said positive things about it... there it went in the dismissed pile. The one I liked had a flat bottom I picked up one with a round one and talked about the round bottom ones... 'Oh I think I like the flat bottom ones..." he says...I systematically went through finding and complimenting the opposite of the one I wanted him to get and finally he picks up mine and says, "You know come to think of it I kind of really like this one... yeah I think I'm going to get this one." "Ok" I say "If that's the one you like." sounding reserved and unsure. He thinks he came to that decision all on his own through a reasonable of process of elimination when really he probably would have been equally happy with any of the pipes in the basket. We then got a lesson on how to pack a pipe from a big black man called "Poochie" We also picked out a tobacco, which ended up being Poochies personal blend. Which I also influenced by saying it was too pungent and that he should get the Rum one when really I like Poochies because it smells like a camp fire mixed with the smell of my great grandpas cigars, two smoky smells that I absolutely love. Hey I'm thinking positively about the future, chances are he's going to smoke that thing for the rest of his life- I'm not happy about it but if I want to marry him I should at least make sure he smokes something I wouldn't mind smelling.

 

i probably won't celebrate until tomorrow. i'm working on unpacking right now cuz i got my dresser today and J's online. he IMed me so after we get past the friendly conversation i'm going to talk to him about what i saw on friday and i'm not sure how its going to turn out. i feel good that he took the innitiative to say hi to me, though, lol. oh yeah, and did i mention that i have homework that i need to finish up, too? yeah, i'm stressin.

Bell Canada is a company that deserves to be pipe bombed.  It is just an infestation of a slew of rat bastard limp dick bullshit artists that have no desire to satisfy the customer whatsoever.  Don't get me wrong, I won't be mailing them the pipe bomb, but if one ever does go off in the organisation, I will not be surprised, and, although I will feel bad over the loss of life, I will not be searching for an explanation as to why someone would be angry enough to do such a thing.