Pinipigilan @ MindSay

Naririndi na talga ako sa mundong ginagalawan ko. Sa mga taong kaylang kong pakisamahan. Nasaan na yung optimism ko? Nasaan na ako?

Where is my fucking stand in this fucking world? Hindi ko na alam. Hindi ko na ata kayang magpatuloy sa pagkukunwari. Matagal ko ng pinipigilan magpakita ng emosyon, magpakita ng kahinaan, magpakita ng kahit anong galaw na masasabing mali sa paningin ng ibang tao: matagal na akong hindi nagpapakatao.

Ano bang tinatakbuhan ko? Ano bang ayaw kong marinig? Siguro natatakot ako sa katotohanan, siguro takot lang talaga akong malaman na katulad lang ako ng ibang tao. Parati ko kasing gustong maging iba, maging tunay na indibidwal, pero dapat ko na din sigurong aminin na nakakapagod din pala.

Ano nanaman ba itong nalaman ko? Panibagong katotohanan na kaylangan kong tanggapin, pag-aralan, at palaguin. Napaka komplikado talaga. Bakit hindi nalang pwedeng maging iba ako sa karamihan, period. Bakit kaylangan dumating pa ako sa puntong ito? Nagtatanong, nalilito, naririndi, sumusuko.

Civilized, kaylangan magpaka civilized. Kaylangan wag ka magagalit, wag kang iiyak, wag kang masasabi ng mga salitang kalye, wag kang aarte na parang wala kang pinag-aralan: kaylang maging manhid ka lang parati.

Asan na yung boses na pinagmamalaki ko? Na akala ko nahanap ko na, yun pala ginagamit ko naman sa mga sitwasyong dapat tumahimik. Sa mga sitwasyong dapat kong gamitin ang boses ko nananahimik naman ako. Putangina, naiintindihan mo ba ako?

(re-blogged from www.literaturegirls.blogspot.com)

Maybe girls disguise flattery with anger. Alam mo kasi ang mga babae, katulad din naman ng mga lalake, complicated pinalaki. Siguro kaya ganun sila mag-react kasi una nilang naiisip "what is proper." For many, it's not proper to express yourself; to respond to flatteries lalo na kapag yung mga magulang nila sinsabihan sila "o wag ka muna magboboyfriend" o kaya "anak bata ka pa ha" or napapanuod nila sa TV na yung mga lalake manloloko lang yan. Sa Philippine context lang siguro applicable tong sinasabi ko.

Kaya ang weirdo ng mga reaksyon ng babae kasi ganun sila diniktahan ng magulang, ng society. Dapat wag ka agad magpapakita na gusto mo sila, cheap yun. Dapat wag kang malikot babae ka. Dapat wag ganito dapat ganian. Never silang sinabihan na, kung anong nasa isip nila pwede nilang sabihin. Kaya ganun ang nagiging resulta, nagagalit sila kahit deep inside natutuwa naman sila. Kunyari naiinis, kunyari nandidiri pero ginagawa din naman nila pag walang nakatingin.

Lahat naman tayo dinidiktahan ng dapat nating gawin. Ang pinaka madaming dikta yung gender, babae ka dapat ikaw ang liligawan. Sya yung lalake sya dapat gumawa ng paraan. Babae ka, emosyonal ka. Lalake sila syempre mas malakas sila. Babae ka kasi kaya kapag hindi ka na virgin medyo hindi maganda pero yung mga lalake ano bang mawawala sa kanila?

Pucha.

Kung sana dati pa ako umattend ng event... Pero hindi rin, ayos na din sigurong ngayon-ngayon lang kita napanuod baka by now ilang months na akong natotorture ng infatuation/admiration. Mahirap yun.

Tama ka, lahat nga dapat naglalabas ng sama ng loob, ng kalungkutan, ng kasiyahan, ng mga naiisip, ng mga karanasan. Yun naman ang pinaka purpose ng communication, to express. Binigyan nga tayo ng boses para magsalita, ng talento para nga naman i-express. Pero paano kung nahihiya ka? Paano kung gusto mo ngang mag express kaso may mga bagay na pumipigil sayo? Ang hirap magtagalog, nose bleed.

What if you have so much ideas and there are so many things you want to share but people around you do not want to listen. Or if they listen, that is with prejudice, all that will come out of your mouth will then sound nonsensical, pointless. I think I know your answer, it would be that if you want to express then be prepared for criticism. Be prepared to express some more, right? Express that anger. In a world that is full of vile people, all you need is a voice armed with a mind.

I live for literature. I live for writing, for expressing through letters and words and poems and short stories and essays and my blog. Since gradeschool I have always wanted to write though I know that my skills are mediocre. But yes, I would have to agree with you that there is that need to release what is inside. One can never count the diary entries I have written, my first livejournal and blogspot account. This very blog has been around for more than 5 years.

When I was in highschool, all I wanted to do is write for a magazine. I have all these ideas and I picture myself being an editor-in-chief of some sassy magazine. That was my biggest dream. However, when I entered College and decided to take up A.B. Literature and Literacy I found a better way to express. I found so much happiness in reading Ivan Turgenev's "First Love," in Shakespeare and Petrarch's poems, in Ophelia Dimalanta's narrative poems, in composing lyrics for songs, in writing free verse, in listening to fellow classmates, in reading Rilke, and admiring Gabriel Garcia Marquez, in reading societal problems and issues hidden in the beautiful novels of Arudhati Roy, Jhumpa Lahiri, Gish Jen. In discovering the fascinating themes of short stories by Bienvenido Santos and Haruki Murakami and Guy de Maupassant. In the power of literature to expose truths such as the Satanic Verses by Rushdie. In the power of literature to make one nauseas with love through Pablo Neruda's poems, Christopher Marlowe, Sir Walter Raleigh, Ben Jonson; to scare such as short stories of Edgar Allan Poe; to surpise such as that of Greene's; its power to stoke revolution such as Marx's and Hegel's writings; to entertain and express above all.

And yes like all of them,you have the ability to inspire.