Pilipinas @ MindSay

I've given up the pretension that I am a normal human being. The fact is that i am a social aberration, a mutation of some sort and everywhere I see all these normal people walking around, talking to each other. These people will fall in love, get married, have kids, live in a nice home with all the luxuries of modern life and then they'll die of old age and their children will remember them. But me. How about me. No. My existence ends when I die. People have this idea of "continuing the line", of passing on their attributes to the future. Well, I ask, what's the point?

Maybe I just don't understand and the problem is that I really don't care. I don't want to know and so please leave me alone. Leave me in my hole so I can wallow in my misery until the end of my days.

I want a place where there's no people, no animals, no highways, no trees, no hills, no mountains, no buildings, no cars, nothing, nothing, just total and complete flatness, there's no trees, no flowers. So what is just in there? Well, as far as the eye can see, there is only green. The world outside is a flat world of short grass and it's an eternal afternoon and there's just me.

I live in a planet and there's only me in there. Everything is so bright but you can still make out about a few kilometers until everything just turns yellow. There's no darkness, there's no rain.

The planet that I want is a floating tennis ball, an endless stretch of green lawn and I am the only one in it.

I don't go hungry, I don't get sick. I am bored to the core of my existence.

All that I do is lie on the soft grass and stare at the clouds floating above. I watch silently as the clouds move slowly, being blown by the gentle breeze like sheep. And when I get bored doing this, I get up and run and run and run and run until I am all covered in sweat. And then I'll sing and shout and dance and go crazy and then when I'm totally, completely exhausted, I just sleep and dream.

I dream of a place just like the one I'm living in right now, doing the same things I'm doing right now, thinking the same thoughts that I am thinking right now.

Everything is a dream and there is no outside. What actually is in there is entirely something else. Outside there's people walking with their friends, boyfriends, relatives, classmates, there are animals digging for food in the garbage cans, there are hungry children walking around following the people, opening their palms so that maybe people will pity them and give them food or money. there are old beggars sitting still in their places, rooted there like an old and dying plant, where people ignore them like they're some sort of invisible object whose presence simply does not register inside the people's consciousness, like they're not breathing, living human beings like you and I.

These people are from the church and they have just accepted the blessing that God regularly dispenses during Saturdays and Sundays during specific hours. And this day they will live happy lives of happiness and contenment while I stand here inside my room looking at the outside, looking at them.

Looking at them ride their jeepneys and big shiny cars off to somewhere happy and uplifting like the mall, the shopping places, the movies, the parks.

And I slowly put down my cup on top of my desk and I go to my bed and sleep and dream of a green planet and of lying there looking at the clouds.

    Anger is a gift says Malcolm X. Well then I must be the most gifted Filipino around. Arriving from class today, I passed by the communal television lounge and saw the failed attempt of the protesting farmers to gather at Mendiola. A wall of policemen armed with shields and clubs and anti-riot gear blockaded the mass of farmers wielding banners of red and shouts of land and justice. Tierra y Justicia, just like the cries of the indigenous in Southeast Chiapas Mexico, the same cries uttered by the same people victimized and massacred by their respective countries. Then the pretty, trustworthy-looking, serious-sounding newscaster comes in view and tells us that the farmers are already starting to disperse and go home. Back to their homes in Central Luzon barefoot and wet from the slight rain this afternoon. And then pretty newscaster tells us about the news we have to watch later: the dance showdown between two competing groups of sexy dancers, and then a footage showing barely-clothed women doing something to chairs and various furnitures in the stage.
    I hurried on down the corridor to my room and all the while my head feels like its going to explode. I have read all about these, about how the media portrays disjointed narratives on television, about how it lumps side by side events as if they are of the same level, as if farmers shouting for justice is the same as naked women dancing on stage. I have read all about the agrarian problem in the Philippines, about the neocolonial nature of our country, about the various attempts by the various people to seek the right to their land all through the years, about the communist problem, about the Muslim insurgency problem, about the corrupt politicians who run this stupid government, about the oligarchies in the various provinces of the country, about Jose Maria Sison exiled in the Netherlands, about the Alex Boncayao Brigade, I have read all about these, and still the hatred remains, the feeling remains, the feeling of anger over the stupidities and heartlessness of the Military and Government Bureaucracy remains. I never seem to get bored about all these things and this is the cause of my problem.
    What's your major malfunction, barks the Sergeant. My malfunction sir, is that I care too much.
    I open the door and dump my bag on my typhoon-ravaged bed, the bed that creaks and squeaks at night, I change my shirt and contemplate things, which is a bad way to deal with headaches by the way, contemplate about what exactly I don't really care. Just let your anger run wild and let your imagination loose. If I had my way, If I am the ruler of the universe, what would I do?
    I would be, as Calvin, from Calvin and Hobbes be, one of those Older Gods, pitiless God who demands sacrifice and even that doesn't satisfy me. Even that doesn't quench my anger. I would periodically destroy the earth and watch the human race evolve again and again and again until I get bored. And then I'll destroy the entire universe and then rebuild it just for the sheer fun of it. I will show these ignorant creations of mine who's boss and right then and there I would have solve all these petty problems about social inequality and injustice. Everyone would be the same. Everyone is the same piece of shit that comes out of my powerful, immortal ass. There would only be one oppressor and that oppressor would be me.
    But time to get back to reality.
    Seen from several millions of miles away, the earth is but a tiny speck of blue in a vast universe of galaxies and stars. Talk about the ego of a man who considers himself an important creature of greatness blessed by God for he is created, as is claimed in the Bible, in HIS own image. Let's take a look at a picture of the most powerful person in the whole world today, George Bush, are we to believe that this self-righteous piece of shit is the most prized and important thing in the entire universe?
    I am tired and sleepy and my thoughts are far from clear, let alone bearing any resemblance of sanity. I am anxious and worried about what exactly I don't know. The things that I fear have all lost their shapes because of repetitive thinking about them, which logically should make me happy. But no, I sense that there is something really wrong with the world today, or maybe I'm just paranoid or maybe I don't know.
    I'm tired, I'm going to sleep.
    Fuck you all.