Physical @ MindSay

Well, I finally got my long needed MRI, & finally got a pain doc, who first put me on morpheine, but it just kept me asleep, so he switched it to methadone, which seems to be helping some. Anyway, the tech said my spine "was a twisted mess", plus there is damage to some discs. Looks like surgery is next, wooohooo. It's hard sometimes, for me to want to live anymore, having always been so active & once had such a full life, but I'll stay till the good Lord picks me to come home, just hope it doesn't take too long. Jeez, I sound depressed, don't I. Guess I am. This too shall pass. I'm just tired folks, that's all, just tired. Funny part is, I was born into drug addiction & alcoholism, ended up being a speed freak for years, then fought for years to stay clean, only to spend my last days on "meds", so it would seem I've completed the circle of life. Can't say I haven't done & seen many things in my life it's been full, but I really haven't been the same since my brother died, to be honest, which I think was 2001 (I try not to remember dates, too depressing). Kelley just wants to go home, my friends, plain & simple. Lots of friends & relatives there waiting on me, so I have no fear, thankfully, I know what awaits me, & one day I'll be there. Ugg, hate to blog a depressing blog, but I guess I just needed to talk to someone (whoever listens) & get it off my mind. Marriage is still a mess,the true joy I get out of my every day now is my Hoss, the English mastiff.I swear to you, this dog has saved me by just loving me for the time I've had him & he's still doing his job, helping me get out of my chair,helping me get up when I fall etc. He's always gonna be my honey boy,my little big man. He's 18 months old now, & about 130 or so now. Officially 1/2 a dog, cuz they don't reach matuity until they're a full 3 years old. He's gonna be a big boy. Well, I hope all of you are doing well. I love you all. Blessed be, QuellyQ

Well the bug that bothered me over the last few days is finally subsiding, which is outstanding If I do say so myself.  I took Nyquil the other night, and that stuff knocked me out so hard that when I woke up the next morning I had a hard time lifting my head.  It was a Sunday morning and the baby was kneeling next to me on the bed, two hands on my left shoulder repeating “dad, dad, dad, dad, dad.”  I looked at the clock it was 9 am, and I was in the same position I was in when I fell asleep the night before.  That never happens because I toss and turn all night every night because I most likely have a sleep disorder.  Well it was very interesting to say the least.

I am finally going to a primary care doctor tomorrow for my first physical since I was a senior in high school.  I assume he will tell me that I am unphysical, at which point I will slap him in the mouth.  The only reason I am even going to see him is to get a referral to the sleep clinic in Smithfield, as you can only go on doctors referrals if you want it to be covered by your medical insurance.  All in all, my first trip to a doctor’s office in 8 years should be interesting enough.

First post in four days is a bit weak.  Need to shake the rust off…

If you see me pop in from time to time now, it's because I am going to come back a little at a time.  I am not capable of "taking it easy" apparently and worked myself into a state of near physical/mental exhaustion.  So close to the point that my therapist advised if I did not start to cut back IMMEDIATELY, I would likely end up in the hospital in a month or less for said physical/mental exhaustion.  So, I am no longer working weekends, no more than 10 hours a day (and I will be likely to work less than that more often than not).  The success of the  new programming at work has now been forced to be on the shoulders of those who designed it.  My bosses were told this week of my dilemma and responded very graciously.  In fact, they basically told me that I was too valuable to lose under any circumstances (wish that came with a damn raise!!)  So, I am starting the whole rest/recovery phase of nearly working myself beyond my limitations. 

You will see me from time to time, but not daily, so if I don't reply to you, or read a blog, it's just because I'm not back all the time.  My Father continues to have health issues, and my Mother still has a surgery (cataract) to get through, so I have external, non working stresses that will continue, but I have to start being nicer to myself now.  I have some very special people in my life that want/need me to stick around, so I have to make sure to listen to the advice my mind/body was giving me.