Phone Call @ MindSay

You know when the floor just drops out from underneath you?

I went out to dinner with my parents, and it was lovely. When I got home, there were 2 messages on the machine.  I assumed they were for mom, so I didn't play them.  She finally hit play, and the first one was from Jeff, my boss.  He asked me to call back, so I did.  I had no idea what about; if anything, I was imagining being asked if I wanted to help with the CITs this week or something.  I don't know.  In my mind, it was some kind of good news.  Maybe he was asking if my mom had the pictures she took, and meant to say 'Ellen' instead of 'I'm calling for Emily'.  Actually, I'm pretty sure that's what I thought he was calling about, because why would he announce he was calling for me, when he's my boss? 

I digress.

Anyway, I call back, and he asks if I know anything/have heard anything/the news.  I figured LeighAnn hurt her knee again somehow, another step towards me and the CITs.

To be honest, I wish the news was, "I know there's only one week left of work, but you're fired".  I would have LOVED that phone call.

Instead what I got was, "Gaelan's brother died this weekend.  He was swimming in Montana, and he drowned".  And he went on to tell me about how Gaelan and her parents flew out there, and how Redyn and Sara weren't coming in to work tomorrow (their last day) to deal with stuff.

But it's not just Gaelan's brother.  IT'S SAM.  Sam, my co-counselor 2 summers ago.  Sam with the beautiful blue eyes, who did the the amazing dives off the board, and was so good with Russell and Aaron when even I couldn't deal with them.  Sam.  The really sweet and cool kid who would help me get the work done, and make me feel like I wasn't bothering him when it was just the 2 of us and our kids when he was really closer friends with people otherwise on staff.  Did Jeff forget that I knew Sam?  Did he know it might prevent the tears for a few minutes if I had to think of the association between 'Gaelan's brother' and who that was?  Did he know I was talking to Jeanette about Sam on Friday?

I'm actually devastated right now.  It can't be right.  I mean...not Sam. 


I have about 4 million Kenny Chesney songs floating through my head right now.  Be okay, Sam.  Jeff's been wrong about stuff before, this has to be one of them.  It just has to be.  There isn't a second option.
Gaelan needs to be okay, too.  I wish I knew her as long as I knew Sam so I'd feel more comfortable trying to look her up and offer her ANY kind of comfort, even though she has a million other people who DO know the family better and can provide a lot more.  I feel like I need to do SOMETHING.

Something other than cry.

I always slouch to get to your level
and I sleep next to the phone
when I left Carmen with the devil
I always expected to be alone
but you broke another ice scraper
when you heard my funeral dirge
will I turn into water vapor
when you disappear to purge?
now, commence the pacing
I guess I'm freaking out a bit
you can't call yourself a fatass
if I can't call myself a piece of shit

I want you to know
I love you more
than I can ever show, baby

and I don't care if you were married sixteen times
...
I still love you

don't you find it funny
neither of us knew the word
to stop the car just to catch the bunny
to elucidate the absurd
the inability
to verbally describe
one's own emotions
except in painful diatribes
you really think that I'll regret?
baby, I never have and I never will
love hasn't begun to seep in yet
the feeling is captivating still

I want you to feel
that warmth in your heart
a love that ya know is real, baby

and I don't care if your were married sixteen times
...
I still love you

Desperation
There's danger in frustration
Complicated words slipping off of your tongue

and ain't one of them the truth
I'm still desperate for you

You were too caught up in giving too much up

and not doing what you should have been

 

I spent until 2am last night talking to Jason.  It was like a major healing thing for me.  Because we talked about old memories and how much our high school sucked cause everyone in our graduating class pretty much sucked. and he told me how he remembers when my twin was in a coma and in Biology i cried my eyes out and ran out of the class. i was like wow, you remember that? Talked about the crappy friends I use to have and Jason told me they all still act like they did in 8th grade. hahaha.  It was great for me because things of my past I dont talk about especially the ones that cut me skin deep and having Jason there to talk about things that happened, was a major healing process for me.  Cause the only way to start healing is by start talking about it.

 

A good friend from mindsay actually IMed me last night too.  I dont know if i can say the name so i'll keep it annoymous. but It was great having that conversation and letting all my fusterations with Ryan out and having someone there to listen and encourage me and give me a little faith that it'll all be okay by giving it time. Thanks a lot by the way.  Most of my friends just yell at me 24/7 about it.  Except Heather.  She actually asks me how i'm doing and dealing with that cause she said she knows how much I liked him even though at the same time she really wants me to date her brother.

 

On a different note, since the tornado came yesterday and a severe thunderstorm, a tree fell and split a house into 2 and it fell on a guy that was outside and he died.

 

Jason: thats what ppl did a lot at our school. like when someone would die the entire school was suddenly best friends with the person

 

 

so, earlier as I was mowing the lawn, i was thinking of a number of things, eventually i thought about borat for about 15 minutes.

 

10 minutes ago, the phone rang, and there was a voice recording of borat:|

 

WTF!:P:|:P

 

needless to say, it amused me:P

 

-:PKristal:|

So I did get to talk to my buddy last night. He was so happy to hear my voice, as I was his. He has been through a whole lot in the last year plus. We both lost our brother (his brother, my adopted brother) to drugs. Neither of us have been the same since. I am just glad that he is sober and clean. He gets out in September, God willing. I wish I could be there when he gets his 4 hours out next Saturday. It's pretty far away from here, so I don't know. His daughter's pictures is still on my cabinet along with my son and my little nephew. *I have to get more pictures of the kids...* Anyway, he is looking forward to getting to call again even if I don't get to see him next weekend.