Phobia @ MindSay

So tonight so far is interesting...

So I was lying in bed thinking how my room is right across from the stairs going to the deck, which is right outside the dining room next to my room, so like kiddy corner...

anyway, I was thinking about how close the stairs are, cuz they are literally right outside my window, like 5 feet out...and that creeped me out, it'd be a good in, especially if my window was open, cuz screens are easy to get through, that's why you never leave a ground level window open...

so I freaked out, then was able to lie down.

Then I heard the rocks outside moving, the ones under the deck...CREEPED the fuck outta me...

I'm sure it was just an animal, but it's just weird that I was just thinking about that...

needless to say, I closed my window...and checked all the doors.

I am kinda a freak about this stuff though, I might need therapy...oh shit, that'd suck.

well anyway, hope everyone else had a good night!

My very first mindsay blog... They say writing is a sort of therapy, I believe them. After all I do plan on being the hottest, sexiest, knock em dead journalist for cosmopolitan! haha Well, i began this blog to start my "gameplan." You see, I haven't been professionally diagnosed but I know i have had a problem for a very long time. It's kind of relaxing to know that there's a name to it, and that i'm not crazy. I believe I have social phobia/social anxiety. I was never the happiest kid , but i mean i had no major problems. It wasn't until I got to highschool that i began to pick up on my abnormal behaviors. When all my other friends would talk about their boyfriends, or having sex, or any of the hot teenage topics, I could never include myself because I hadn't done any of them. Not because I didn't want to, but everytime i was given the chance an overwhelming fear came over me. Do you know how helpless, and worthless one must feel to not be able to look into the eyes of the one they care for? To not be able to touch them, or kiss them because you're scared. Scared anything you do will be judged so you don't try at all? Needless to say I haven't had much real intimiate relationships. No guy is going to hang around for my crap. I feel like i've been cursed. This doesn't only affect my relationships with the opposite  sex, but it affects my relationships with my family,my friends, damnit even at work. I have to drink just to feel relaxed at a party, if I don't i have the worst time! I have to drink to feel confident enough to tell that special someone how i really feel. When the buzz subsides i'm screwed because the real me is left to clean up the mess. I go through everyday slowly... it feels like everything is one big facade. Sometime i can fool myself. Become this confident,beautiful women around certain people. Then inside, i'm this shy, self-conscious, girl who's scared of the world. My anxiety is unkown to most, only my best friends know. I've taken the step to try to help myself because once again my anxiety is getting in the way of a good thing. I met this guy... he's so sweet. I mean I like him so much. I've told him some of the facts about me. He began to notice through my fear of eye contact. I can't look someone directly in the eye, It's a struggle for me. I am not very affectionate either. I mean I want to be, I just am scared. I feel like everything i do is wrong, so i guess i never try, which doesn't help the situation at all! God i swear i'm going to drive myself mad! If anyone can relate to this, please comment, tell me what u did, tell me what u didn't do, shit tell me something!!!