Pessimism @ MindSay

Mmm... today was horribly reminiscent of summers past; everything reminded me of 6th grade, 7th grade, and all that came in between. It was a good feeling at first, to have such innocent memories come flooding back to me, but it quickly became painful. I remember the depression I used to (and still do) suffer from; the empty, lonely nights I spent on the computer, finding no solace; the cat fights with people parading as my friends. Looking back, I see clearly how my younger years were a lot of torment with little reward for my struggle except for my eventual growth into a more-than-slightly disturbed young adult.

I'm rather determined not to let that happen to me this summer, or any summer that's yet to come. I'm sick of the heartache I've willingly endured, and for what? Friendship? Money? Love?

I'm barely endowed with the first (thought I am, undoubtedly, endowed with it nonetheless; that I can't deny), sadly lacking in the second, and have a strong, unnatural hate for the third. No, my fighting, clawing, and screaming have all been in vain. I understand that now and I will not allow myself to be so seduced by lies anymore. I am making a vow to be as truly intelligent as many think I am; I want to cast of the emotional shackles of this world and feel nothing. I want to be a purely rational human being. Without sense, there is nothing, and the world often lacks sense. Why else would I be such a pessimist?

A fellow artist on DeviantArt put pessimism in the best words I've yet to read. She said, "They call it pessimism so they can deny the world is really this bad." She spoke nothing but the truth, and I can no longer identify with any other meaning of the word. The world truly is as bad as the worst thinkers believe; it is as bereft of light as the optimists deny. I am pessimism; I have begotten negativity, and now it begets me in return. I am a creature of the dark, damned side of every human being, and I am slowly learning to accept it and, if not embrace it, then to use it to my own advantages.

I've made a lot of promises to myself as of late but never once have I thought I might fail in my ambitions. One would think that, considering my past tendencies toward miserable failure, I would assess risk and failure a lot better these days (not to mention more often). Alas, as a product of pessimism and anger, what is the use in assessing risk? The world is dark and bleak; it cannot have much farther to fall into the abyss. If I fail, I shall try again, only a different route will be taken.

Ah, the oxymoron of optimism for pessimistic motivation.

I've some more thinking to do tonight, I believe, and some decisions to make about the path my life will take in the coming months. Things are quite uncertain at this time; it's now or never that I must choose between the road less taken or the favored highway. Knowing my aptitude for masochism, I'll probably elect to crash through the brambles of emotional trauma.

How delightful...

P.S. In the middle of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I haven't gotten far, but I'll probably post my opinions about it all once I've finished. And shhh! No spoilers!

P.S.S. Acorn sucks. I got put off for three days for a buggered knee and suddenly, I've been erased from the schedule up until next Saturday. I'm going to quit... once I get another job. Fucking asshole managers.

Your EQ is 60

50 or less: Thanks for answering honestly. Now get yourself a shrink, quick! 51-70: When it comes to understanding human emotions, you'd have better luck understanding Chinese. 71-90: You've got more emotional intelligence than the average frat boy. Barely. 91-110: You're average. It's easy to predict how you'll react to things. But anyone could have guessed that. 111-130: You usually have it going on emotionally, but roadblocks tend to land you on your butt. 131-150: You are remarkable when it comes to relating with others. Only the biggest losers get under your skin. 150+: Two possibilities - you've either out "Dr. Phil-ed" Dr. Phil... or you're a dirty liar.

Typically, I try to make this blog about everyone else as much as it is about me.  I give my pitiful attempt at publishing advice, even though I’ve never succeeded at it, and my pitiful attempt at writing advice, even though I’m obviously not good enough at it to achieve publishing success, in an equally pitiful attempt to help current and would-be writers.

But sometimes a blogger just has to do what a Web log was created for – that is, to function as a “live” journal.  

Two good things happened to me in as many weeks.  First, John Lehman, editor of the literary publications Cup of Poems, Rosebud, WI Academy Review, The Quill Driver, and WisconsonPoet.com (plus author of multiple books and scribe and star of a one-man play) has decided to put my blog in his publications.  He is printing seven pages worth of my rhetoric, starting on the cover:


You can buy John's latest book, Shorts, 101 Brief Poems of Wonder and Surprise, by sending a check for $12 to the 315 Water St. Cambridge, WI 53523 (no tax or shipping necessary). You can order Everything Is Changing: How to Gain Loyal Clients and Customers Quickly by John Lehman and David Bruns at www.amazon.com ($13) or by sending a check to the same address and he will pay the shipping.

And then, something even more wonderful and amazing happened (with no offense to the kindness of John).  I asked the most beautiful and talented woman I have ever met if she wanted to spend the rest of my life with me as my wife, and stupidly, she said yes. 


That’s right, we are about to add a wifey to the BookSay family.  Mrs. Booksay is Kristina Amodei, and meeting her is the single greatest event in my life.  I am so honored and blessed and ecstatic and lucky.    
As you may recall, a recent post mentioned the myth that good things come in three.  Well, here are two very, very good things, so does that mean a third is on its way?  Is it time to get published?

I don’t know.  More e-mail issues have arisen with The Cooke Agency.  I’m even more in doubt than I was before that my e-mails aren't going through.  But we’ll leave that for another day.  Today is a time to celebrate.  I am engaged.  I’m going to get to torture the same woman with reading my manuscripts for the rest of our lives.  Does it get any more wonderful than that?
 

Poor Harry.  Apparently, some of that buckshot must've lodged in his brain, too, 'cuz he's been saying the most inane things since leaving the hospital.  For example:

 

"This past weekend encompassed all of us in a cloud of misfortune and sadness that is not easy to explain, especially to those who are not familiar with the great sport of quail hunting."

 

I'm sorry... did he say quail hunting was a "sport"?  Well, in a broad definition, it may be.  But it's not a very "sporting" sport.  It would be like me playing a round of golf with Tiger Woods.  A sport, sure, but unless someone sprayed Tiger with buckshot, I wouldn't stand a chance of winning.  Let's give the quail some guns and maybe even that playing field a little.

 

Okay, try this one:

 

"My family and I are deeply sorry for all that Vice President Cheney and his family have had to go through this past week."

 

Awww...  yeah, I feel so bad for Dick.  He shot you, and took a little flak for it.  Yeah, let's send him some flowers... he's been through so much.  Unlike, say, someone who'd just been shot in the face!

 

Okay, finally, we have this gem:

 

"[Y]ou can see what a lucky person I am."

 

No, Harry.  "Lucky" would be going to retrieve your quail and finding that they'd landed in a big pile of money.  "Lucky" would be returning from retrieving your quail, losing your way back to your hunting party, and straying instead into a grotto full of nude co-eds.  "Lucky" would be being missed by your friend's .28 gauge shotgun!

 

I know people are just trying to make the best of a bad situation when they say things like this, but come on.  There's optimism, and then there's idiocy.  Call me a "glass is half empty" kinda guy, but when something bad happens that could've been worse, I don't think how "lucky" it was that the worse thing didn't happen. 

 

There are extreme instances of this incomprehensible point of view, too.  Like the person who thanks God for allowing them to be the sole survivor of some nasty accident, for example.  Me, I'd be more prone to wonder why God was so torqued off at everyone else that he killed them... if I believed in a God at all.

 

So no, Harry.  I don't consider you lucky.  I consider Cheney lucky that you don't return the favor.

 

So he mentioned it again. That cruise of theirs. I still hate it! They told me they'd ask the company whether they could have a discount on me going too but they didn't ask. They never did! I'm going to be left all alone this December for two weeks. And even before that I'll have to watch them pack, get excited etc. It's going to be sickening. And then after, it'll be Christmas. A Christmas filled with stories of the holiday I was never invited on. I know that I went on the past two holidays Mum won but the past years have really been my "Anus Horribulus" and I suffer another blow at the end of it. Andrew was going on about how they'll be visiting 15 islands and all that. God, just a break from the prison I've trapped myself in would be a saviour. Bloody mild agoraphobia. It's the sunniest day in months and I'm still stuck in here. Never going anywhere, never doing anything. Mum apparantly told BT that the Internet is "all I've got" so they wouldn't cut it off. It worked but it doesn't make me feel any better that now a company knows what a loser I am.

 

Not only is there that but I've fallen out with Lisa and rather than try and sort it out, she's taken to ignoring me completely. Very mature. So yeah, I'm being abandoned by everyone close to me. I'm always acting such a victim, eh? Listen to me, all wrapped in self pity. This is the first time I've written a 'diary' type thing in months. I cancelled my Xanga, not wanting anyone familiar to read any of my thoughts. Took up the habit of keeping everything in. It's difficult to reverse that habit now.

 

I'm supposed to be going in the car with Andrew so I can buy Bazuka from the chemists. We didn't have enough money to buy it, seeing as the doctor 'forgot' to give me prescription, but Geri gave us the money. Andrew was all like, "Wait till Monday and get another appointment." Ugh. It's not that when he has something wrong with him. If he's in pain, he acts like a dying man. And he better not think I haven't noticed that his back seems to have really cleared up, yet he's still off work. Not that I blame him. He'll be phobic too, now. Now, he'll see what it's like to be scared of something so much you have to convince yourself there's something physically wrong with you so you don't have to go. And when he does go he'll probably be fired, then he'll become Mum's "carer" which is another way of saying he'll do nothing extra around the house yet use his position as carer as an excuse to boss me around because I'm too 'lazy.'

 

No idea what's happening with school. Haven't been in...a while anyway. I finally spoke to Mum, tried to explain how I feel and although she's still not geting it, I think she's a bit more on my side. She phoned the Director of Education but was told she had to speak to the school Rector first. So she called the school and asked to, was told that Miss Hart (deputy) would call back. She didn't. Mum phoned back again and spoke to her, Miss Hart was sympathetic and will call back another time. Mrs Bond phoned, I answered, was interrogated until I told of Miss hart's phone calls. Then the accusing tone was dropped like a teenage boy's balls and she couldn't get off the phone quick enough! And all people ask is if I care about school. Of course I care! Would I cry everytime it's mentioned, if I didn't? Would I force myself out the house and to the Social Work, Job Centre, Council Buildings, if I didn't? Would I email the SQA to find out regulations regarding the Practical Abilities element, that I still have not been allowed to complete in any other place other than the Business Studies department.

 

Got my application for college. They were really nice to me and Lisa at the Open Night. Said they can't promise us anything but they'll make exceptions. We'd be in the same class and full-time is three days a week! that's very good news! Only, I need to get my form in quickly and I'll need to get the form to the school so my Guidance teacher or my old Guidance teacher (whom I'd prefer as my current one called me 'unemployable') can fill in the reference bit and issue a School Transition Form too. Thing is - I can't go to school. I've got my 'phobia' back again and plus, if I'm not going in daily because I'm too scared but then as soon as I need something, I go in...it'll look silly. Even though I wouldn't be able to go in. Mum says she'll take it in for me. I'll remind her on Monday.

 

I think I'll try and make up with Lisa today. One of us is gonna have to make the first move and she's reluctant. So I'll do it for her. Like I usually do!  Oops, that was below the belt.

 

Ugh, I just wish my life was more interesting, magical, adventurous, exciting...

 

UPDATE: I've just watched the worst film ever. I watch films nearly everyday and so I end up watching the same film over and over. So today I thought I'd watch a different one, and I decided to watch "The Good Girl" that I got for Chrsitmas but had been avoiding as I thought it may have been too realistic and would lower my mood. But today I thought, "Nah, I'll be able to relate to the main character as she gets bogged down by her humdrum existence." How wrong was I. It was awful. Firstly, they were all rednecks and apparantly they'd decided that along with the put-on accents they'd act as simple as amoebas too. Secondly, the main character said she loved Holden yet they'd only met a few days before they started having rampant sex which is very different from "making love." Thirdly, the main character acted as a sort of vehicle for all the male character's sexual gratification e.g. sleeping with her husband's sleazy best friend because he said it would be his 'salvation' and if she didn't he'd tell her husband about her affair. No self-respect, clearly. Lastly, the main character made ALL the wrong decisions, the worst being to snitch on her lover Holden leading to his eventual suicide - yet before that she'd agreed to run away with him yet before that she gave him blackberries which she believed were poisonous and then lied to his parents that he was mentally ill. Not exactly what you'd call a 'feel good' movie. It's kinda hard to feel good when the voice over is talking about a story Holden had written about a girl and a boy falling in love and running off together, never to be seen again, when the picture on the screen is showing the girl aforementioned sitting next to the husband she doesn't love who is palying with the baby that isn't his because he is actually infertile and the baby's father is either the husband's best friend or the boy whom the main character indirectly killed. Worst movie of all time and has now made me feel even worse...I might bin that DVD when my brother isn't looking. I hate non-happy endings...don't the directors realise that the ONLY reason we watch movies is so we can lose ourselves in the story of someone else's life, take our mind off our own and try, if only for a few minutes, to believe that dreams really do come true.