Personal Space @ MindSay

I got bitch-slapped this weekend..

     I have had too much free time lately..not enough work. Usually in this situation, I give my free time to those who need it.
Predominately in the bast 5 years that has been given to helping Seniors keep their shit together..but where I'm at now..it's not realistic..plus the fact that I've had little employment..so I don't have the usual resources to be able to provide the free help that I'm used to doing.
     So I've spent a lot of that free time here on the 'Say..Thanks to someone who I not only respect but admire greatly here, I realized that I've strayed from "the path"..seeking vengeance on those TRULY UNWORTHY  of my energies..
She knows who she is..

my own private Idaho..
     Many of you have heard me griping about the angst living with Mntngrrrl..
Stupid me had again, lost my path. Here I'm ready to leave an area of California that is not only STILL BEAUTIFUL, but able to offer an "configurative overhead" that I was willing to toss away..along with a platonic non-male relationship of over 20 years..
Stupid
Stupid
Stupid..
..everything I need is RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME..I just need to tap those old skill sets and personal charisma to put it all together.
But I had lost my way, that being "fueled" by resorting to senseless diatribes with those here who will NEVER UNDERSTAND what it means to be LGBT in this "God Fearing" country..

*sticks tongue out*
"Pbbbbt"
from now on they don't mean shit to me anymore..
BUT..if they fuck with any of my friends here I will fuck them back--PERIOD(and that will never change)

The Bee-at-Rest..
     I needed to see something .. something esoteric..something spiritual..giving me the direction(the muse) for the "next step". Standing outside, I watched the sunset. Right in front of me, I saw a big hairy bumblebee sleeping in a tall beautiful flower..
right in front of me..
reminding me that I CAN call this mountaintop HOME..if I really wanted that..
I would find a way to have my own place with air conditioning for those hottest of days..
OrionTheWatcher (thanks Bud) reminded me that I needed to put down some ROOTS..
Even the tiniest of spaces for me and Thia would do..for now
..and now the affirmations
My first response to my CraigsList
came today
My boss says things are gonna start getting better..more work ahead
came today

I JUST NEEDED TO KEEP THE FAITH..

I am a person who has always needed an exorbitant amount of "alone time."  Where I can be in my own space, no one within arm's reach, where my brain can just go do whatever it is that it does when it has a moment.

Since my earliest years, I've been this way; it's just part of who I am.

I find myself, here with one more month 'til school starts, tending to list away from everyone else in the house.  If the kids are in the living room, I'll go to my room (always accessible, always with my ears open, and the bedroom is directly off the living room, anyway). If the Spousal Unit is in the bedroom, I'll come here to the office.  If I don't feel like typing, I'll hide in Cartoon Ranger's room and read or talk to myself. <smile> Yes, really. 

Not all the time, but more of the time as the summer goes on. 

I still answer questions, laugh at jokes, hear commentaries on whatever any of my guys is commenting on, but I do so from across the house.  We're not a "walk over here and ask me" kind of house, in general. Just a "make sure you call my name first so I know to listen" kind of house.

We'd probably drive some folks nuts.

This doesn't mean I am not an active mom. I was thinking about it, earlier today.  Trying to remember if Mums was always in the same space we were in, etc.  And then I remembered: We used to do something amazing when we were kids, in my house. We used to play outside.  We'd leave in the morning, run around with our friends (or go to their houses), play, eat lunch at home or  at a friend's, and then be home when the streetlights came on.  That was the rule.  As I got older, there was softball with the neighbors right down the street.  Bicycle riding.  Lots of activity nowhere near Mums. 

I remembered this with a sense of release of some residual guilt.  I am not a "bad mom" because I need and seek out my space where I can find it. I'm just a mom whose kids don't play outside because it's just not as safe out there as it was before. Or we're more aware of dangers than we were when I was a kid.  In any event, my children can't just go play as I used to do.

I've already started crossing the days off before school starts on the official school calendar put out by the district.  Sad? Yeah, but it keeps me sane.

Whatever works. :)