Personal History @ MindSay 
Nothing of consequence happened Monday, except that I got complimented on my teaching capacity from an old woman whose oppinion really matters, for a lot of reasons, not the least of which being she wouldn't have said anything if she didn't mean it wholeheartedly. We like Miss Johnston's grandparents!
Tuesday I didn't do anything. Except get nailed in the boxfish in the first shot of dodgeball. PAIN!
Wednesday we did some judo and I felt confident enough to let some kids do rendori with me. I wouldn't let them do it with each other, just yet. Maybe next week after some more judo instruction and harsh safety lectures. They seem to love it.
Now, I didn't mention it in the individual paragraphs of the days, but one thing this week that has been pretty cool is having some good chats with Hannah. Although not so drastic as last winter past midterms, chances to talk to her are still relatively few and far between, and I usually don't have anything worth saying. I squealed about squealing about my whole little emotional history. I didn't mention the fshngbmfgngamujm I do in accounting, because I don't want anybody asking about that, but had I mentioned it, it would have made sense why I was feeling depressed all of Tuesday. Soon enough that will be finished, done, over with, and I'll just be able to forget about everything again, only this time having actually RESOLVED the issues, not just "sweep them under the rug", as Hannah put it.
Although, it could be argued that sweeping them under the rug was the best thing I could have done. It was only when I brought it up for that Becca kid's sake (Garret's friend, not my Becca) that any of this bothered me again. Bothered is the wrong word, because it's all behind me and the issues are completely resolved, but they still do (and always will) have an effect on me, which is why nobody really knows the history, not even those involved closely. I take that back, my Dad probably knows just about everything, partly because he's the smartest man in the world, partly because he was a prying ass that didn't respect my privacy in the slightest. At least now he gets the idea that if I really wanted to talk to him about what goes on in my life, I would. He doesn't need to go snooping. In fact, I'm fairly sure there are laws against that.
But the fact that those experiences are so personal is what makes it important that I keep them to myself. That's a simple principle, isn't it? I mean, not even Corry, not even Taylor, not my mom or the Katies or anybody really knows anything about what I've felt in these reguards, and I'm sure, even now that it doesn't bother me anymore, that I want it kept that way. It's very personal. It's very personal.
I had more I was going to write about it, but I lost my momentum and will attempt now to wrap it up.
I'm going to hang out with Sammie on Friday and Saturday. I can't wait! I haven't seen her in a while.
All the time, my grades are making a comeback, albeit too slow of a comeback. Sure, I can raise my GPA a whole point in a single day, but that's only because it had nowhere but down to go. Progress slows as it nears completion. A 3.5 is like the speed of light according to Einstein: The nearer you approach it, the more your progress slows down, meaning I can never quite reach it.
I'm such a %&*#ing moron! I have trouble pulling off those grades with today's education?! POS!
1. I'm adopted. I was raised an only child. I have found my birth mother and three of the four siblings. I have two half sisters and two half brothers. I was the only one adopted out.
2. I was molested between the ages of 4-7 by my babysitters teenaged son. I never told anyone this until 2003 when I was admitted into a Behavioral Health hospital unit after a suicide attempt. Still have not told my mom.
3. I went to trade school in 75-76 for a new trade in most industries ..... keypunch / data entry. Was taught on an old 80 column card machine that took up half a room. Was one of the first people to experience the key to disk phenomenom. Sent by Kenwood Electronics in 1977 to New York to set up their Data Processing department and train personel. The new thing then was transmitting data through the phones lines with a modem to our main office in So. Calif. Boy .... if we only knew then what was to come ..... !
4. While in New York I was raped by my immediate supervisor who had flown over with me. Upon return to Calif. and requesting a meeting with the President of the company and telling all ..... I was fired. I went to work for a competitor Sanyo and after three months was lured back to Kenwood with a raise and other benefits. I had the same supervisor who I regretfully ended up having an affair with for a year. Don't ask ..... I didn't want to lose my job again. I should of never gone back.
5. I started smoking pot when I was 18. So have been using now for approximately 31 years. I was arrested in 1980 for felony drug possession and sales. I was busted with pot, hash and cocaine. I was sent directly to rehab for cocaine addiction. I've done coke twice since then and it's been over 20 years now. I weighed 89 pounds at the time of my arrest. And I thought I was looking good .....
6. I have been married three times . I married my first husband after knowing him for two weeks. I left him two weeks later after things got a little strange and through overhearing phones calls and asking him up front I found out that his profession was hired assassin. This was a cause of great fear for me ..... also worrying about my family .... for a few years to come. Thankfully he dissapeared .... and hopefully never thinks about me again. Hey Jen .... it's the above story that has to do with the dream I told you about. My second marriage was about as dumb as the first. Rebounding hard and needing to get somewhere other than where I was ... I married my second husband about as quickly as the first. We moved to Reno where he proceed to bilk thousands of dollars from unsuspecting people. I thought he and his friend had a legitimate computer business going until a year later when I realized what he had been doing. Selling non-existing stock for a non-existing company. He had also had an affair which had gotten his mistress pregnant. I left him immediately and ran for home. Dave is my third and final. We were together 4+ years before we married. And so far things seem ok! Nothing hidden in his closet ..... thank god. After doing the math I figure we've been together now for 22 years.
7. I've had an abortion. I was 19 at the time and dating two different men. Sleeping with both. Never used protection. Had no idea whose baby it was and neither men wanted anything to do with it or me anymore. I would have to say that this is my first real bout with depression. At least one I can recongnize now as depression.
8. A list of the many jobs I've had:
a. Data entry operator / computer operator
b. Dishwasher
c. Housekeeper
d. Receptionist
e. Deli clerk
f. Grocery clerk
g. Postmaster
h. Bookeeper
i. Retail sales
j. Innkeeper
k. Waitress
l. Bartender
m. Barrista
o. Snowmobile instructor
p. Personal secretary
q. State Park entry kiosk person
r. 21 Dealer in Reno
s. Ski school ticket sales person
t. Backstage catering for a rock n roll production company
Thinking that about covers it. That's enough don't you think?
9. The 7 years I've lived here in this house is the longest I've lived in any one dwelling since I moved out of my parents house at the age of 18. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've moved. Just take my word for it ..... it's been alot.
10. I have been in a physically abusive and emotionally abusive relationship (long before Dave). My nose has been broken and my ribs cracked. I've been beaten with fists as well as chairs and other items. During my coke days.
11. I sold thousands of dollars worth of my parents antiques to support my coke habit. How dumb I was.
12. My biggest fear is dying alone. I see myself as a bag lady pushing around a shopping cart .... living under a bridge without all my mental facilites. It scares the hell out of me.
Thats enough for now. I needed to do this. If you actually took the time to read this .... thanks. And I hope your opinion of me does not change.
Have a peaceful day all .....
Peace. J.
In the last few days, I've seen a few old acquaintences that I haven't seen in several blue moons. A couple of these guys I did not get along with in the past. In fact I think they hated my guts, yet, after eight years, it's like the past was erased in their minds. Perhaps they grew up. Perhaps I still need to.
First off, I almost got married ten years ago. Glad it didn't happen because Tom was not a good match for me. He liked to make decisions for me and he had control over my bank account and took out loans in my name to buy a new car. Then he convinced me to max out all my student loans so we could pay the rent one year. That was stupid of me. He was certainly not my "one and only" after all that. I went into some serious debt and my credit is ruined, yet still people from my past think I broke up with him over someone else who would've been an even worse match for me...
There was one guy I really had a serious crush on who made it big in the comic art industry. I never expected a romantic fling with him, I basically looked up to him and hero worshipped him and this probably annoyed him as much as it flattered him. Despite the many times he inflicted his hyper-criticism on me and talked to me in a patronizing way, I think I really loved him like someone's biggest fan would. In fact from him I learned how NOT to treat someone who looks up to you! Before he moved to California, I wanted to hook up with him one last time to tell him some nice things about how I learned so much from him over the years, but he kept putting me off, I left him a bunch of nasty phone messages over that, and then, over one last conversation on the phone, he promised he would "have lunch with me sometime" and I took him seriously. I anxiously looked forward to it, knowing in the back of my mind that it most likely wasn't going to happen. He had hedged. Yet you would expect a friend of six years to have at least told me that he didn't want to see me anymore!
I still don't like it when people dump me without telling me good-bye.
Then one day I over heard his friends talking about me and they were laughing and mocking me behind my back. I was humiliated. I had known Brandon for many years, even though he was often mean to me, I had thought we still had this comraderie from college, and I didn't believe he would say the things these guys were claiming he had said behind my back. They always teased me and called me "the Goblin Queen" but the biggest blow was when Brandon himself told everyone how I had a thing for him. He did this silly dance and sing-songily said that he feared I would become his stalker! I was devastated by that. What an ass!
I know I should forget this, but when those idiots from my past coming walking up to me acting oh, so nice, and say how good it is to see me, I can't help but remember how they treated me, how they made me feel like a fool. Yet their cruelty NEVER made me lose my faith in myself. Of course, I was a lot younger then and was just learning how to handle relationships, but it still stings whenever they ask me, "So, did you ever get anywhere with Brandon?" No! And I really didn't ever want to anyway. I think I just wished he had looked up to me like I had looked up to him.
And these old friends of mine should know better NOT to ask about Tom. That sets me off into an excited, angry chat of how he married a racist and ended our friendship right when I was at my lowest. I was broke and homeless the last time I talked to Tom and all he had to say was, "if I help you out, you'll only end up in trouble again." Bullshit. I survived. I still have bad credit, but I get by, and I don't want to hear from Tom ever again. Yet there are those who can't help but ask me to remember...
Let's skip back ahead to 2005 now and one of the guys who berated me over my poor choices in men, Nick, comes walking into my store. He told me that Brandon did a lot of drugs back then and that he's a much nicer person now. I say, "whatever" but my mind says "so that explains his behavior." He would be nice one minute and then nasty the next. He was also paranoid that someone would stalk him, Nick said, but, still, come on! Then Nick predicts that someday I will meet Tom again, and when I do, that I should tell him that he said, "hi."
How many colors of "I don't care" must I paint for these people?
All I can say is ever since that spring of 1994 (okay, so it has been over a decade), I don't look up to anyone like that I did Brandon and I certainly don't ever want to be a relationship like the one I was in with Tom. I'm cautious about who I choose to be my heroes now. Sad for me to say that, but it's true. The girl I used to be is still inside me somewhere and she will not forget. Is this how women become strong? Or am I just being bitter?
I think I deserved better heroes.