Perfectionism @ MindSay 
someone asked how it works- the loom that is-
one dresses the loom with length wise threads called the warp. one must calculate this before hand anticipating how long and wide you want the fabric to be - with additional for waste. the threads go through metal slots to keep them in line and then through eyes on harnesses ( I have four) which will be lifted and dropped so you can do the actual weaving. MY loom has foot pedals so my hands are always free for the shuttle which holds the weft. which eyes on which harnesses are determined by the pattern (draft) you will be weaving. I started with a very basic thing called tabby- over under /over under. then the threads get tied to the back and wound around a beam. and to the front to be wound as the fabric is woven.
then you thread you shuttles ( wooden thingamahjigs that hold yarn). these yarns will go cross wise - over and under - to actually make the fabric. this whole process takes hours to do and it critical to the success of the project, a twisted thread or poor tension can affect the whole project. as i learned all too well yesterday.
then one stops for a potty break, a nap and some coffee before sitting at the loom and begining to weave.
Good thing I am not a perfectionist as my first attempt was hysterically bad but i love it anyway. I will add twigs and feathers and bones and call it "decomposition".
Now i fully understand why a handwoven shawl costs hundreds of dollars.
It is so easy to lose yourself. I have a constant struggle trying to hang on to who I am as I play out the roles in my daily life as a wife and mother. I love my husband, he is an absolute godsend, and I love my children, they are my ultimate blessings.
However, I feel deep down that I am meant to do something outside of these roles with my life. I just struggle with trying to find out what that is. I guess, deep down, we all are searching for our purpose, our destiny. It is just part of the human condition. Being human. That's difficult sometimes, isn't it? We strive daily for perfection, only to find that no, we are not perfect.
All we can do is the best we can do, and try with all of our might to accept that. I am a perfectionist at heart. Always have been. One of my downfalls as a perfectionist is that it often leads to procrastination which then leads to paralysis.
If I can't do it perfectly, then I don't do it at all. Not a very savvy way to get things accomplished, now is it? I am trying to not be so hard on myself. To accept myself for who I am and be open to the possibilities life has to offer. If I do nothing, I have failed.
Yet sometimes failure is easier to deal with then success. If we fail, we can always find someone, anyone else to blame...and usually that someone is ourselves. I know, I for one, need to become as forgiving of myself as I am of others. To not feel guilty when I fail to be perfect.
Perfection is overrated. It is I think, easier to just be me. At least that's what I continue to tell myself. I want to be authentic, be the woman I am meant to be, and learn to accept myself, faults and all. I think, my friends, this is going to be a lifelong process.
Now I am seeing once again that I am and it was when I stopped believing it that I lost my senses, not came to. I am in at least one sense, and that is in the sense that I am always trying to make things better in my relationships with people and my understanding of everything involving them. Nothing is ever good enough for me. If it isn't one thing, it's another. A lot of my unhappiness probably comes from this. No one is ever good enough, no one ever lives up to my expectations, and no one ever will as long as I keep expecting of them what I do. I expect much too much of people and it only leads to me being let down over and over and over and over fucking again. By not realising that it is because of my perfectionsim, I blame them and get upset at their ways.
A lyric of Ani's always reminds me of this topic:
and you are so lame
you always disappoint me
it's kinda like our running joke
but it's really not funny
i just want you to live up to
the image of you i create
i see you and i'm so unsatisfied
i see you and i dilate
That song, Dilate, speaks to me like nothing else when I am in this mood of being upset with someone because they are not what I want them to be, things are not how I like them to be and I feel like they need to be fixed. That entire album does, in fact. Such a dark, dark album... but genious, I think.
I'm getting off topic.
The point is, I am always trying to make things better. There are always kinks and I can't settle until I've worked them out. This puts a lot of stress on me, the other person, and the relationship on the whole. In one sense, I'm not creating the problem, but in another sense, I am - and I just have to ask myself... Is it even necessary? What does all this fixing and obsessing over their imperfections and the kinks in a relationship do other than create tension? It helps sometimes, sure. When it is such a constant, though, it is such a strain. It is no wonder I am so uhappy. No fucking wonder! Look what I do to myself, what I put myself through, and for what?
I think these bits of personality profiles actually describe it pretty well, if I haven't already:
While they are capable of caring deeply for others (usually a select few), and are willing to spend a great deal of time and effort on a relationship, the knowledge and self-confidence that make them so successful in other areas can suddenly abandon or mislead them in interpersonal situations.
....
Perhaps the most fundamental problem, however, is that INTJs really want people to make sense. :-) This sometimes results in a peculiar naivete', paralleling that of many Fs -- only instead of expecting inexhaustible affection and empathy from a romantic relationship, the INTJ will expect inexhaustible reasonability and directness. (I hate when people are not direct. What I have to realise, though, is that other people are sometimes just as lost, indecisive, and confused about themselves and their emotions as I am about my own and I can't always expect that directness... yet I still do. But I don't think I'm being totally unreasonable here. I think they could at least say, "I don't know." and tell me what they want to do to figure it out. But people aren't like me! They aren't fucking perfectionists that have this relentless desire to figure everything out and make it just right.)
...
Probably the strongest INTJ assets in the interpersonal area are their intuitive abilities and their willingness to "work at" a relationship. (No shit. Perfectionism can cause that and then lead to a lot of other bullshit... damn it! I don't know if it is a good thing or a bad thing. There are two factors here. One being that I should have the strenght and emotional detatchment (or capablity of) to leave something that is simply not working. But being a perfectionist and wanting to "work at" something... How do I know when it is time to quit working and time to just let go? THIS IS MY #1 PROBLEM! THESE THINGS CONTRADICT THEMSELVES!! It kills me..)
This one says it best, most clearly and to the point:
However, they are sometimes disappointed emotionally because their own high personal ideals cause them to demand more of others than is reasonable. And if they are deceived their anger is terrible. If disillusioned, they do not forgive.
Couldn't be put better. My expectations are simply not reasonable or even realistic most of the time ("most of the time?" See, I keep thinking there is some perfectness out there somewhere...).
I'm never going to be happy if I keep living like this.
I've admited it now. What to do about it... I'm not sure. I still want to think that this is somehow possible. That if something could just be done... something could be done. heh.
Oy. Am I doomed to be a sad, lonely soul one day? *sigh*
I have a lot of thinking to do.
-Liv-
But now it's thankfully, gloriously done, and since I can't undo the fact that I handled the whole thing badly, I'll just savour the sweet taste of freedom and chalk the whole mess up to lessons learned.
I'm dead.
I have no feeling in my fingers.
I finished my 8 page booklet for design & layout.
I forgot to put a space between the top pic and top panel border...and it's too late now...GAHHHHH!
But I don't care.
Our lovely teacher, Mary is gone and left us with a total ass of a Swinburne graduate.
My motivation, inspiration and perfectionism left too.
*Sigh* I still spent 13 bloody hours straight on the damn thing!