Perfection @ MindSay

    I never thought of myself as particularly attractive, smart, or socially advanced -- certainly not rich. It was odd, then, to meet two men possessing everything that I lacked. Though modest, they had everything in their hands. The Lexus, a couple of grand to blow, nice shoes, stories of traveling the world. I had the choice of keeping up with them while questioning my own abilities or staying behind.

    There's no gap between poverty and excess, no medium between dim and blindingly bright. At least not here. Now more than ever I can't find a place in this world. I'm beginning to question if I ever will.

   

    "Why are you wearing a hospital bracelet, mate?"
    "I got into a fight. Didn't win."

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Don't give me this "she's a woman" bullshit.

Presidents fail (JFK @ the Bay of Pigs). 
Presidents have their problems (Lincoln lost his temper quite a bit).
Presidents aren't perfect (FDR...nuff said).
Presidents are human.

I think she's frustrated, which makes her look more human.
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Oh, here are some other notable presidents that weren't perfect/failed to accomplish anything:

• Washington
  
• Jefferson
• Andrew Jackson
• Teddy Roosevelt
• Johnson
  
• Reagan (yeah, I said it)
• Clinton

Note: I'm not saying that any of these presidents were horrible, but they had their faults.

Guess what... I'm not perfect.

Now, I have known this all my life. There was no point when I thought I was perfect. There was a time when I was sure I could know everything which I figured would give me the tools necissary to be perfect but that's a little different. Even thought I know this I have always felt that there is no good reason other people shouldn't think I'm perfect. The illusion of perfection was a satisfactory second to the real thing however that seems to have backfired.

I feel like all anyone wants from me is perfection and I can't give it to them. Everyone in my life demands it in a different way. My dad and grandma expect me to remain on this perfect straight an narrow that I have been on my whole life. I am the only kid/grandkid to go to college and be responsible. I'm the only one who hasn't gotten into bad romantic relationships or exorbanant debt [excluding of course educational debt- good cause and all]. But now I've droped the ball I am BURNT OUT and all I can think is how pathetic it is to burn out now.

My sister tells people I'm perfect. When they ask what I'm like she says, "Oh she's perfect" she says this because she sees me as better than her. She sees me as prettier, smarter, more acomplished, blah blah blah. And then there's Ethan who doesn't think I'm perfect but that's what he's looking for so I want to be perfect to be what he wants. I just can't ever win at this perfection game. That kid has an irrational view of what a woman should be and it makes him completely blind to what he has in front of him. He sees all that I am to him and what I do for him and he just sees a friend because I come in a package that's too short, too fat, too plane, too pale. I guess that's why they refer to some as "The whole package" because they have it all... but seriously who has it all?!

so yeah, that's the news flash

Olivia is not perfect... she wasn't ever nor will she ever be... perfect.

kay I need to waste 20 minutes before i can leave for school, so i guess ill blog...

 

Basically things so far are going smoothly..i was so hyper last night that i didnt fall asleep till around 3, but when my alarm went off at 8 today I didnt just hit snooze and fall back asleep till my mom woke me up..i actually got up on my own for once in my life:P:) What's sad though is that for the hour and 15 minutes since ive been up, ive spent a majority of that time infront of the mirror, trying to perfect everything. But what's even worse is that last night i spent even more time infront of the mirror then i did this morning to get ready for today. Does anyone eles find it really superficial that i refuse to step outside the house without spending an hour and a half the previous night combined with 45 minutes or so in the morning in front of a mirror, trying to perfect every flaw? Of course its impossible to completely perfect everything, yet I still try my hardest without ever really thinking about it. But High School is so focused on looks its rediculous. As soon as I step inside of Westgate, theres going to be all sorts of comments about my appearance (Emo, Goth, etc). But I'm pretty used to the comments, so I'm not dwelling too much on them. I just find it sad that I've fallen somewhat victim to societys obsesion over appearance.

 

Anywho I guess I better start to go. Ill try and blog later.   

 

-:|Kristal:)

We all go through life searching for ourselves.. trying to find where we fit in and what we're good at.. trying to find something (or possibly someone) to make us feel happy and good about ourselves. some go through life with a sense of great self-confidence leading themselves on a path to where they want to go.

 

confidence: belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities

 

That is something I lack. lets face it i don’t think very highly of myself. yeah sure: i think I’m smart, but i'm not the smartest. i guess i'm pretty, but not the prettiest, i'm not the most popular, i'm not the most exciting. in fact, i'm pretty boring..can barely keep a conversation going (in person or on the phone). i'm constantly thinking somebody is better than me. And of course i'm always envious of somebody.

 

envy: a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another's advantages, success, possessions, etc.

 

A person isn't exactly perfect.. but the one thing about them that makes them (in my eyes) better than me is the reason i'm jealous of them. the feeling in the pit of your stomach of wishing you could be like that person, can drive you insane. can lead you to say some pretty hurtful things (sorry!) and ultimately just make you feel worse about your self and lower your self confidence. i don’t mean to be jealous but i guess i just have high expectations..

 

expectation: belief about (or mental picture of) the future

 

Expectations that probably will never be fulfilled in any lifetime. don’t ask me why i have such high expectations.. i guess i'm just in an endless search for perfection..

 

perfection: the state or quality of being or becoming perfect.

 

But who decides what’s perfect and what isn't? in this day and age, the thought of perfection is molded by not ourselves but the world. Its molded by the magazines that create images of the perfect body, the perfect look and if you don’t meet these high expectations there’s something wrong with you and you're completely jealous of the people who actually have a nicer body or a prettier face. It's molded by the stories of people's great successes in life that make you feel like a failure when you're not making as much money as your very own coworker whom you have befriended since the day you started that career. It's molded by the love stories of that perfect man or perfect woman, who sweeps you off your feet and makes you feel as if nothing else matters. And the fairytales of a happily ever after ending...

 

fairytale: an interesting but highly implausible story

 

But lets face it...ALL it is, is a highly implausible story. but that doesn't stop me from feeling like i'm not good enough. It doesn’t stop me from crawling into bed and looking up at endless space and thinking maybe there’s something wrong with me. It doesn't stop me from getting into this fit of depression that ultimately makes me miss out on times in my life that could have the most lasting impressions.

 

I wrote this when I was in high school- which was last semester. I’ve been taking classes at the University of Florida for 6 weeks now and I’ve realized that I have matured more in these last 6 weeks than I have in the past 4 years. So, I’m getting better. I’m moving on. I’m realizing that even though these things bother me sometimes, they haven‘t been bothering me as much as before! I am who I am and as long as I make the best of everything I’ll be ok.