People I Love @ MindSay

Hi everybody,

 

Here's my second blog ever and the reason i write this is because i'm truly fascinated by the culture these days. The macho culture to be specific. The beer drinking, sports loving, girl demeaning, fighting world of a man.

 

Here's my problem, i sometimes feel terribly misplaced when i go out with some of my friends, or when i am at work. Here's why, if i go out to a bar there are only a few things where men think about: Girls, Beer and fights. Ofcourse there are exceptions sometimes they talk about sports.

 

Don't get me wrong i like girls, i like beer but it feels like a mask people put up to not have be thereselves but they choose to live like te stereotype, at least that's in public. Why can't a guy just sit a bar and talk about love, love is what the world is about. It is the most desirable thing out there. But for some strange reason it's almost like a taboo. Or if you do speak about it it makes you look weak or they think you're gay.

 

For instance when i comes to movies. All the guys i know like action movies or comedies, but when i sugest a truly beautifull film, like Good Will Hunting, and i explain what it's about i get laughed at. I think movies like The Notebook are the most beautifull films out there, the capture the essence of life so great, love, romance, hapiness these are things that are portrayed in the most amazing way in this movie but a lot of men say it's gay or for women. But i am gay or a softy because i can honestly enjoy the beauty of love? And please tell what is wrong with a cliche end of a film. What's wrong with a happy ending?

 

Personally i can get really happy when is see love or feel the realness. Most people, as far as i know, tear up and cry when they listen to songs like Jeff Buckley's Hallelujah, or Ray Lamontagne's Shelter. It's makes me smile because it means that there are men and people who still dare to express there inner feelings without caring what anybody thinks. What's better than sitting on a beach at night by a fire with someone you love? Well being a man i should have answered, drinking all day and going to a football match. Well for me it isn't but does this take away my manlyhood? Everybody wants love, so should you pass up on it just to be a man?

 

Because when i think about it, even the most macho men must have a soft side. Some of them are married, no woman could stand a man who never shows a soft side, not even in the bedroom. So it comes across like some men have double personalities. For me it's different i used to try and act differently, that was all because i was insecure if my mates would like me the way i am. But after travelling the world and getting multiple options to portay my character in different ways i found out that nearly every man is alike when i comes to love. Some act tougher than others but all crave the same thing, love.

 

So maybe not everybody shows it as much as they like. For the men who read this i hope you can say fuck the rest, this is me. And if you already have, Congratulations. And i sugest you listen to: Ray Lamontagne, Damien Rice, Ali Farka Toure, Jeff Buckley, Elliot Smith, Amos Lee, Fink, Aretha Franklin, ect for a change. Just give it a try. Or watch: Good Will Hunting, Leaving Las Vegas, Pay it Forward, The Notebook, Casablanca, Notting Hill.

 

With all these things please try to be openminded and appreciate the honesty, beauty and love int it. Because that's what's life is al about in the end.

 

Simmovic

 

P.s. Please mind my spelling and grammar, i'm dutch so i do my best. And leave a comment what you thought about the blog.

I hope you are proud of me. I have some people interested in my work...LOL!...well not some.....just 2 and even if nothing happens with this I'm proud of myself for even having the courage to put it out there.

I'm sorry I don't think of you so much but you know I love you.

It's just too hard sometimes.

I'm crying now as I write and I'm about to post your picture.

I'm calling your mom and getting your myspace name, she says that people still leave you messages.

I'm crying now just thinking about how afraid you were.

 

I LOVE YOU SABREE AND I MISS YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He actually wrote that quote beneath his picture a month or so before he was murdered by his dad Jamie Daniels.

 

Life is too short for the wasting away of our minds and souls. We have based our daily routines on the self-satisfaction of material life. Ultimately, no matter how un-materialistic we may think we are, we all endure this journey by, if you are like moi, fighting to maintain enough wealth to pay the rent and bills whilst paying for food and school and any other of those expenses we all in developed nations face day-to-day. We eat, work, sleep, party, fuck and do all those human things that humans do, but how many of us have stopped to take time to re-connect ourselves to this beautiful universe? Or have stopped to absorb the energy we are constantly surrounded by instead of stealing it from those we love? Our parents, and our parents' parents, and our parents' parents' parents and so forth have all gone on worrying about physical and material security for years and years and years and years. Up until the past few years, this need has been justified in aiding our world to move forwards. Now, though, is the time for a global awakening.

I am of course talking about the need for spiritual enlightenment! The need for a mass global collective consciousness. Peace is at our fingertips, yet it seems so hopelessly far away sometimes, doesn't it? Such an idea should, one would think, be universally welcomed and accepted. Shouldn't everyone be trying to live with the best of intentions and the warmest of hearts in an attempt to create that idealistic Utopia? That state of Shambhala? Life, as we know it, could be exponentially better!!! Our health, our homes, our relationships (intimate or not) and generally our overall happiness could be the best we would have ever known. A shift in mindset could see the development of impoverish nations, the feeding of every hungry belly, the adoption of cultural beliefs into other cultures and so forth.

Now I am definitely not the most spiritually inclined, nor am I the most positive of people at times, but as an individual, I have begun to devote myself to following a healthy spiritual lifestyle. I am most assuredly not religious in any way, so I searched for something else to fulfill that void I was feeling. I have met many many wonderful amazing people and through these people I discovered a whole world right in front of me! It's the same world you and I both live in , the same people are around me, but it is 100% different. It is a world based entirely on love and energy. A close friend, who calls himself the "Love Activist" taught me the most important thing I have ever learned to this date. No matter who we are, where we are from, what we believe or don't believe in, we all have the capability to do one universal thing. LOVE. Yes, that's it. It really is as simple as that, though I never before would have guessed it. Love is something we are born with and blessed with. With enough love, we can conquer all trials and tribulations. We can eliminate greed, and fear for with love, we need nothing else but each other. With enough love, everyone will be taken care of because that's what love ensures.

Life is hard, make no mistake about that. But with the beauty of such things as Synchronicity and Manifestation, we can start to see how our choices affect our paths, and how our thoughts are one of the most powerful tools we have. Our intentions that we set can determine our successes, our thoughts can forge a path through anything. By connecting ourselves to the beauty in everything, and embracing the feeling of love we can begin a progressive and powerful change in our lives. It will not happen overnight, and will not happen if we don't open our eyes to the truth many people have not yet been introduced to. But with time and patience, we can overcome the dramas of today, the genocides, the wars and the famines.

So educate yourselves! Pick up Celestine Prophecy, or watch The Secret. Learn the Sedona Method, learn to meditate or simply talk with those around you who may have reacher a higher spiritual frequency. There are many others like myself who know a tonne more than I do at this point. But what I do know is that the time for change is now, and that it is our movement that will encourage others to follow suite!

As Bob Marley once said, "Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery, None but ourselves can free our minds."

Howdy Howdy All
Click on the link to THE ULTRAVIOLET UNDERGROUND  to download the Winter Issue of PURPLE Magazine.
There is a Short story written by yours truly within its Lovely Pages!--I sometimes write under the name
T.S.Snowden
The Short story is called Persephone3 so check me out yall and give my girl and her righteous magazine a shout out! I love YOU PurpleZoe!
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Now on to new business. I dont discuss a lot of personal stuff, well, I do but usually it is about stuff that makes me mad lately. Anyway a fellow asked me a bunch of questions about myself.... or was it just one question? I can't tell but I can say that however it happened I talked quite a bit about myself which is highly uncharacteristic of me with people I work with. I have made a friend of one other person in much the same capacity at work and funny enough he is the closest friend of this other fellow (clear as mud, right?).

Anyway, I thought about my cynicism during the conversation and realized that I had made some sort of transformation over the last year. My cynicism has abandoned me it seems. I used to have serious beef with love. I mean serious beef, especially during a hard six months of this year.
But now I notice that I really dig love and not only that, it seems that I love love. I actually love attending weddings (although I will likely never have one. Mostly because I could absolutely stay with someone forever without an actual wedding. I'll get into this one day but not today. That center of attention thing does a number on me also. I didnt even tell anyone when my graduation day was for my second degree because of all the fuss they made over me about the first one.)

Anyway...I like love. I feel good about it and when it hits again I rather think I shall be excited and happy. Not like my usual self where I realize it and then work to shut the feeling down before the object of affection notices me stalking them.
About this love thing.
The idea of age came up in conversations with both fellows.
You know for all of my empowered woman talk I still hold a few antiquated notions about gender relations and propriety. Hey, I am enlightened enough to admit that I too get stuck in old ways of thinking. So after my meditations today I thought I might examine my outdated views on dating in these oh so progressive times. I made a REVISED list of what I like in a fella. This list is as follows

1. Funny(not just funny to himself! Funny to me)
   
2. Intelligent--like nerd intelligent not that psuedo-shit that fake revolutionaries tout as intelligence.
3. Attentive--many people wouldn't know it but I am extremely sensitive (even though I dont cry much). I like singular attention and can be pretty possessive. Not like "who is that bitch you're talking to" possessive but in my mind I have a certain idea of ownership when it comes to the people who are close to me.
4. generous. Not like monetarily, although.....no I mean with time (no I dont need tons of time because I tend to disappear into myself for long periods). But I do need to be looked after more than I care to have known. My periods of hibernation should monitored so that I am prompted to resurface now and again.
   
5. creative--I notice creative types deal best with other truly creative types. Period. There is a whole mindset that goes with this. I need to know that my off the wall ideas about alternate realities will not be dismissed as child's play. I'm an artist and I'm sensitive about my shit (to quote Badu).
   
6. supportive--this includes himself. If He cant sustain himself mentally and physically then we wont do well together(this was a good lesson to learn this year). No halves need apply! I am already whole and I want a whole man from the jump. I always wince when people say "My other half". I think that is absurd. So without the other person you are less than a full person? Well I dont know about you but the Great Deity made me complete from the start. The loss of a loved one should never cripple us but make know the value of that love by keeping their memory wholly close to us. The loss should not make us some wounded and incomplete being. Of course if the Deity you worship deals in half measures then more power to you... Now right about here is where I would usually add some nonsense about them being no more than a year younger and up to 12 years older until I realized that my energy level doesn't typically match this age group. I love to move around. I go to concerts, hike and travel as much as possible and to be honest I have yet to find a man my age who can keep up. Sad but true. So enough of that junk.
   
7. Energetic and appropriate for me regardless of age.

No more lazy-ass men! I mean dudes whose bodies and minds limit them and stifle me. UGH! I just cant do it again and so I wont. Man I learned a ton this year. I made the choice to subject myself to the sort of people I thought I should be with rather than the kind of people who really add to my oh-so-lively and lovely existence. People have every right to be how they want. The choice is ours to let them into our space or not. This last year was about me not choosing ME over something that was counter to who I am. My flaw! not anyone else's. I have to own that, and I have.

Own your shit friends because the life you AINT living is damn sure your OWN.
That is all for now my lovelies.

Be Safe and be true. Remember that Karma plays debt collector so WE dont have to....
Goddess Bless

I've been tempted to write this for awhile now. Normally when I have an idea, it'll fade out again in a couple of hours. However, this next thing I'm going to write has been in my head for about a month. Why? I have no idea. Maybe because I find it important in some way. Many of you won't want to read it and that's okay. Mostly it's for me. To remind me in it's own way. But I've been compelled to write this, so here I go.

A lot of times when people get out of relationships, they tend to remember the reason they broke up. The unhappy things, the problems. But I don't want to think about all my exes this way. I loved some of them, I loathed a few. But one of the most important thing from this and from them, is that I must remember that they shaped me. They showed me wonderful things. They showed me who I was. And I think that's really important. I don't want to forget them. And I guess, I never will. So in this next bit, I'm going to remind myself of what they've done and the good times. And those who are lucky to be on GJ get a cut tag around here so you can avoid it. Myspace, however, gets to SUFFER!

Colin was my first love. And sometimes with love, very honest love, comes confusion and heartbreak. We had a lot of that but now a days when I think back to the time we were together, I try to remember all the fun and happy things we did. I didn't start dating until a month before my 18^th birthday. I had been friends with him for a couple of months and I had fallen head over heels for him the moment I saw him. He was gorgeous, he could sing, and he had the most lovely golden eyes I had seen. And for some reason, he didn't just over look me like a lot of guys. I got up the guts to ask for his phone number and from that moment on, I found a person that meant a whole lot to me. Not only was the timing right (troubles with my dad and friends) but it was right at a point that was crucial for me to grow. I was going to go to college. Anyhow...He taught me that it was okay to be intimate with a person and not to constantly fret over physical appearances. He pushed me to be better. We had weight challenges with each other, we would excersize and not think about it. He took me hiking and didn't discriminate me because of my weight. He made me feel so special in so many ways. He taught me how to love, and though I caught on late, he taught me how to do it so I wasn't afraid of what others thought. He also made me realize how fragile my heart was and what it was like to lose it. Though things have sadly fallen to a horrible relationship between us, I will never forget him. He really was my best friend, my lover, and my love all at the same time.

Steve was next and I didn't really date him long. Out of everyone, he's the one I'm glad I don't talk to anymore. He frankly used me. And he used me when I was weak. But I began to understand that and now I'm stronger because of it.

Will/Colin. I feel very awkward about calling him just Colin, but that's what he goes by. William is his first name. Anyhow...After my terrible break down I had after my first boyfriend and the eventual used feeling from my second washed over me, I got sucked into an online game. And while I was on there, I met this person who I thought was an older (40's) woman! I got really close and comfortable talking to this person because I didn't have to do it face to face. And it turned out really weird because this woman turned out to be a man about my age. And this guy could sense my moods through a computer. And through his care and attention, he began lifted me out of my deep depression that I had been for a year. He gave me faith, hope, attention. He relieved me from my guilt over Colin. He helped me when I didn't think I could get up anymore. And because of him, I'm thankful everyday. Because no matter what, I know there's someone else out there. Someone who can help and care and I'm never alone.

Bryan. Oh geeze, Bryan. We didn't really date but I can say this, he definitely made me feel like I was a woman again. And that even though I'm a bigger girl, you can be beautiful.

Aaron was my most recent ex. It's really hard to decide where this began and where it really ended. He, besides Colin, was the only other man and boyfriend I ended up truly loving. He was sort of my whirlwind relationship. I met him on the Internet, and I flew off to meet him when my parents didn't want me to come home for the holidays. And I found everything I was looking for there. Home, family, escape from my past, love, future. There was so much there. Well I went back to school and then when things fell through with school and some things happened with him, I decided I was going to move to Indiana to live with him. And for the entire two months I lived there, I loved it. The only thing I seemed to be missing was him. Something happened there between us. And essentially, it drove me away. But it never changed the fact that I cared for him. I guess the real big realizations about my feelings for him came much later. About a year later. Because I still thought of him. And I wished that I would have gotten to know him so much better. I wish all the love and acceptance I had found in Indiana had been completed by him. If it had, I'd probably still be there. But I still had some growing to do and some flaws I needed to fix. I learned I should have talked to him more. After all, he made me be stronger and realize what I want in my life and in love. He really made me realize that life can be full of music and new adventures and no matter how much you think you've grown, you can always grow more.

And everything that's changed me the most drastically, has been from these men. Because as much as people want to think that they don't need these people or that these people didn't mean as much, they really did. I changed because of these men. I changed because of others as well. Men, women, friends, family. But I can definitely say that no matter how many tears I've cried or how many times I've had a broken heart, these are the people who made my heart beat and make me bounce in my step. And no matter what, they've made me into a better person. I will always love them for that. Always.