People Dont Care @ MindSay 
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i dont care
Lately I have been in increasing deeper thought about my single status.
Why am I single?
What am I doing about it?
What should I be doing about it?
I have always heard the same rhetoric about being not single.
Be confident.
Girls like humor.
Be yourself.
I've come to the conclusion that I can be the second and third easily, though it throws people off. I am the type of guy who will open doors for women, young and old, ugly and pretty. I'll even open doors for guys, there's really no need to be picky about it. I tend to do things for friends that seems like it's 'above and beyond', and really it's not. It's just me thinking about how I want to go about it, and then following through. I am funny. I always make the people around me laugh whenever I get the chance. Whether it's dry humor, sarcastic humor, facial expression humor, situational humor, whatever, I do it. Except pratfalls, those hurt, or making fun of others. I poke fun at myself, that way noone else can do it. I would get made fun of all the time when I was younger. Now, I'm the only one who's allowed to do that.
But that first criteria, the universal statement of women worldwide - Be confident. What is that, really?
I've seen people who are cocky, ie: overconfident. I'd like to take them down a peg or 3. What makes them better than anyone else? Good looks? Lots of sexual conquest?
I've seen people who are shy and awkward. I'd like to lift them up so that they don't have to hide anymore.
You know, you are pretty cute, just step outside of your shell a little more. It really doesn't hurt.
And then there's those people who are 'confident', but really, they just don't care what others think. Is that really 'confidence'? Or is that a form of apathy that most find attractive? I've seen people who don't care what others think about them, and people all around them say, "Oh, he's so confident!" Or these same guys are the loudmouths, the braggarts, the guys who drink a lot at the bar and drape themselves over everyone's shoulders like they're all best friends returning from the war. I know everyone has seen the type. They're labeled as 'confident' too. I think they're annoying as hell.
No.... he just doesn't care what anyone thinks. What makes that 'confident'?
You become confident by learning a skill or performing a task or having knowledge that sets you slightly apart from others, and in having this extra bit of stuff, you know you can perform it or can speak to it easily, and it works, whatever it is.
I am confident in soccer.
I am confident in some video games. I am not a hardcore gamer. People who say, "I'll kick your ASS!" at a video game, I don't want to play. Not because they will probably kick my ass, but because I hate egos. That's not confidence, that's arrogance.
I am confident in parts of my field of engineering. I don't know all types of engineering, but I can speak at least to the ones I know.
I am confident in my friends. I know who will back me up and who is up-and-coming.
I am confident in most areas of high school math and lower. I'd need a refresher on calculus.
I am confident that I have the knowledge, or can at least locate it, for a good portion of problems that come my way.
I am confident that I know my feelings, I trust my instincts, and that my decisions are based on sound judgement at the time of decision.
I am confident that I can be impartial when needed, analytical when desired, and supportive when called upon.
Does this mean I am an expert in the above? No, but I'm happy with my level of expertise, and among my friends and colleagues, I am the 'expert', or at the least, the go-to guy.
But I care what people think, about me, about others, about the situation. So that makes me not confident, and therefore undesireable.
I have been thinking lately of tossing in my Nice Guy towel, it hasn't really got me anywhere. Women that I would like to date are still dating others, or getting married. The few times when I actually attracted someone have long since gone, and so have the women that those feelings were attached to. My time is up.
In 10 months time, when I turn 35, I will become a confirmed bachelor. I will not care to date anyone. I will have gone through the motions, tried every resource that I can say that I would be honest about, and have come up short. There is no need for me to continue to torture the women around me with my presence and actions. To some, this will be a silent sigh of relief. To others... well, they're married or dating anyway, so it won't matter. Only I am still thinking about them, they've moved on. I am thinking about doing a 180, and becoming not only no longer nice, but becoming a real player. One-night stands. Flirt until it hurts, then tease. Totally throw off the old shell, reinvent myself as the Parallel Universe version. Though I don't think I'd bare my hairy chest for the ladies and add lots of gold chain bling, there are some things that you just don't do. But I would not only not care about what others think, I wouldn't care about them, period. They're just toys. The latest flash-in-the-pan, the iPods and iPhones of the new age. Once they're usefulness is gone, move onto to the next big thing.
I bet the ironic thing is that, since I wouldn't care what other people will think anymore, especially women, I will suddenly become attractive. Though I doubt it, because I've also got a Second Strike against me - Average looks. *Dum dum daaa dummmmmmmmm!*
So... what is confidence as it pertains to dating?
So yesterday I go to a friends house and she just so happend to have a couple of other people popping up every 10 to 15 mins. Her sister and her sisters friend showed up and they were drunk as fuck and high to. So there we are in a house filled with people of all ages and I hear a kock at the door. They have a camera on teh porch so you can see whos outside but it was to dark to see who was out there or if anyone was out there. I could make out a baseball cap so I opened the door and this guy is standing there and he says oh sorry I must have the wrong house. I say no I dont live here who are you looking for. He says hes looking for a Jack, thats when my friends sisters friend came out the back room and I asked if she knew who Jack was. The next thing I know she is coming inside after talking to him and some other guy that just popped up out of thin air. She says hey they are going to go buy us some drank what do you want. Shit I just stood there and said I dont need anything get what ever you want. Well let me tell you one thing though the girl is 15 yrs old and the guys that were at the door were 21 and 38. So my friend and I and another girl said ok we are going to get some chaser,for the drank that I had bought a week ago and hadnt been able to finish because they had so much when I got there the last time, we got in my truck and took off and what do you know we see the two guys WALKING to the liqour store and we cant help but laugh our asses off. we get our 99 cent drinks and head back. As we are leaving we see these fools running across the street they were trying to get a ride back. Yeah RIGHT like ima bout to let some guys I dont like or know in my truck dont think so. So after they come back my friends brother showed up with some more people. We all drank and hung out till the girl who answered the door when I left got fucked up. Let my tell you though this girl said to us after the guys left that she was going to drink their shit but they aint getting anythan in return. Yeah about 3am she is so fucked up drunk that she couldnt stand straight. I was sitting on the couch and I over heard the 21 yr old say your hot you wanna go fuck. her reply hell yeah. So they get up and leave ofcourse no one sees this and are later asking where she is. I tell them the truth that she left with that guy and they all start laughing.
Well during this hole "party" I was getting lifted with my friends brother I dont know what he was thinking because I started to pass out and here he comes with his clipped on lighter and started swinging it at me. I grabbed it and told him to stop he just kept playing with me. I finally got up and started walking around and he comes up to me and swatts me again. This time I get in his face and try grabbing it from him the then trys to move in and kiss me. I look up at him and he trys again. I just walked over to the couch and stood behind it. He comes up and started rubbing against me. Thats when I decited to sit down again and go to sleep. I sat on the couch and he comes and sits down next to me. Starts rubbing my leg trying to get in closer. Im not trying to have that first off hes 19 im 22 he likes my little sister and tells me this all the time and he cant stop talking about how his new girl dont excite him and that he wants to leave her. Yeah well his sister finally showed up from the other room and he got up and moved to the other couch. After she left the room again he starts talking to me we have a hole hour convo about how he got this girl prego and how he wants her to get rid of it even though he dont believe in abortion cause he wants to brake up with her and go back to his ex. Very NOT exciting convo. My friend started texting me from the other room telling me she needs some advise about her boyfriend and her crush,who just so happend to be there last night., on what she should do and who she should be with. It was a boring night at that point and I had to just lay down.
The 15 yr old was finally dragged back to the house after an hour and half. All she said was I GOT LAID and she was very loud about letting everyone know. She tells me to sit up so she can sit down. She then tells me that she just lost her virginity. I said what did you just say damn girl with him of all people shit. She laughed and said im a big girl so it didnt hurt as much as people say it does. I am still alittle sore though. (a little mental note the guy she fucked ,21, paid one of the other guys 10 dollars for the condom he just used on her) I couldnt believe that she would even do that. What is it with the kids theses days they are either prego or have caught something from another partener. And they seem to share their guys,girls, like nothing. I dont remember all that shit when I was going up. What drives a person to want to do that to themselves? I understand that they dont want to be a virgin for life and everything but could you at least know the guy for a few months or years before you let him take you. They knew eachother for about 4 hours when they did it. I guess im just olod fashioned or something.
I've Had So Much To Say But I've Forgot It All.... =[
Its 12:52 Am..
Ugh I Havent Sept Much Lately.
Yesterday I Went To Sleep At Like 5 Am. WOke Up At 1:30pm..
Most Nights I Been Getting To Sleep 2-4am
Really Not Good.
Im Happy Right Now =]
Its Cool.
Im Usually HxC Paranoid About Everything.
But Right Now I COuldnt Give A Shit.
Guys Are Easy =]
They Can Be Real Dicks - Especially When Theyre Round There Friends.
But I Realized, I Dont "Love" People. I Hate Most People... Kinda A Dumb Ting To Say But Its True.
Its Cool. They Cant Hurt Me If I Dont Care About Them =]
Im Gunna Make A New Blog, No Random Bullshit. Just Art And Shit.
I Dont Post My Pictures On Mindsay Much.
I Dont Post Much "Meaningful Thoughts" Either..
I Post Alotta Dreams Tho...
REandom.
Sorry I Havent Been Commenting Peoples Blogs Or Replying Back As Much, Too Lazy, Cant Think Of Anything Worth Saying Either.
Oh Just Remembered. I Had This Dream Last Night. I Dont Remember It Much But I Was At This Differnet School.
And It Had Like All The People I Know There.
It Was Cool.
It Was Athletics Day.
And Yeah I Dont Remember Much But I Rememeber Richard Fxd Up The Whole Thing And I Got Real Competitive About The Race For some Reason.
When I Got To The End Of The Race. Carol, The Receptionist, Was There She Was Writing The Times Down.
It Was Wierd, She Was Wearing Real HxC Fluro Make Up, And Bitching Bwt This Other Teacher, She Was Taling To Me Bwt Her As If We Were Mates Bitching Bwt Sum SLut Or Something It Was Way Wierd.
I Reemeber That After School I Was Walking Down This Street, It Seemed To Be LIke A Mix Of Lampton Key And Sonme STreet On Sydney. And I Was Walking Down, Smoking, As If I Didnt Care That People WOuld See Me Doing It, Then Someone, I Think It Was One Of My Cage Friends, Told Me That There Was Heaps Of Peope From My School Around, So I Was Like Shit, And Unlit The Smoke And Put It Back In The Packet In Front Of Everyone From The School, But They All Werent Paying Attention, Not Even Realizeing I Was Smoking....
I Dont Remenmber Anything Else..
Well Its 1 O Clock Now,...
Im Gunna Go DO Watever Else...
x
Its okay to have an opinion but why does everyone bother with trying to convince others the their opinions are the right ones? Take religion.. I really started not caring wether there was a god or wether there wasn't, the only reason I hope there is one is because I'm hoping there is a different meaning to my life then to just die and decompose. But at the same time I refuse to look up and convince myself that there's a god. Nothing has ever happened to me to make me think that "oh hey.. you know, there must be a god.". I just get tired of people telling me and pushing me into believing what I dont care to believe.
People do that down to the smallest things
"do you want tea"
"no,"
"oh.. why not?"
"I don't like tea"
"oh.. but you must like tea..try this kind"
"no thanks"
"but its got lots of sugar, its good."
"No thanks, I dont want any god damned tea"
Stop pushing me. I'll hate what I hate.
I met this mormon kid, hes so irritating.. everything he says has to do with his religion, he wrote me a note once and he quoted the book of mormon twice. I have nothing against mormons but personally, I wont be joing that religion any time soon.
I'm also starting to hate this whole thing where every girl is obsessed with emo creatures that talk about geting their heart ripped out
my friend has this on her binder
these hurt me inside... why do people want these? Not to mention most of the people that like these have never had their heart broken. They're just teenagers who think that it "desribes their feelings" you dont see adult walking around with that shit on their pages. My friend amanda pisses me off with this shit.
im half irish. half black
i dont like my self.
i burn shit and smoke alot.
im sadistic and enjoy others suffering
im bipolar and depressed.
i have friends but they dont understand the darkness
i dont care really
but it would be nice to talk to someone who does.
when i am happy its not a good happy more like a
"its ok now" happy
i hate my life.
i dont like it
but whatever
talk to me if you want
i dont care
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