People Change @ MindSay 
things change
THINGS CHANGE - VISIBLE OR NOT
I'm taking this post written sometime back here now because it so describes what my thoughts are today. So here I am back at my computer over the familiar key board with the intent to write. Well, the intent to write and actual writing are two different things I’ve found out. You can muster up all the intent you may need to write but often it doesn’t usually fall into actual writing--- while writing sometimes doesn’t need serious intent. Strange -- but not really. It happens. :-) Now let’s get on with this and see what the Muses have been churning up in my recent brief hiatus.
I'm taking this post written sometime back here now because it so describes what my thoughts are today. So here I am back at my computer over the familiar key board with the intent to write. Well, the intent to write and actual writing are two different things I’ve found out. You can muster up all the intent you may need to write but often it doesn’t usually fall into actual writing--- while writing sometimes doesn’t need serious intent. Strange -- but not really. It happens. :-) Now let’s get on with this and see what the Muses have been churning up in my recent brief hiatus.
------------------------------------------------------
I started the day with the usual early morning walk up-down the slopes and round this residential area one of many dotting the hills of Antipolo. Gazing round I could say that nothing has changed really. The houses look the same, the people do the same things every morning, the trees are still there, and the same black Doberman ‘greets’ me with a booming gruff bark as I pass his private domain. Thank God for the huge steel gate this keeps him from tearing me up to pieces lolz. Anyway as I continued my walk with those thoughts, these words came into mind ---
“While we flatter ourselves that things remain the same, they are changing under our very eyes from year to year, from day to day.” ----- (Charlotte Perkins Gilman)
So--- where then is this change I do not see? So I stopped walking--- let my eyes roam seeking that ‘change’ so spoken of. Fortunately I stood on a high vantage point which allowed me a good vista of my neighborhood—my place called home. From my left I saw all sorts of trees – tall, in various shapes and sizes, and in the deep darkest of green. But wait…the color seemed to have gone lighter in spots. Are those new leaves sprouting? How interesting! Whoa! Is that a new paint on Mr. Benny’s gate? -- Didn’t see that before. Hey, somebody’s building a new house down at the end of the road. Why didn’t I notice that?! Oh boy, what used to be a vine of flat disc-shaped leaves draping the fence of a friend’s house, now has white blossoms in its midst. Lovely! I almost missed it. I continued my survey of the now interesting landscape of nature, houses, and people before me. My eyes hovered over the area like radar seeking out unfamiliar objects but this time with fresh anticipation of something new. I was greatly rewarded with priceless treasures that no longer stood hidden to me but was revealed by my willingness to see.
Yet my curiosity was even more aroused when I began to wonder – apart from things, just what change goes on inside the person. I smiled at the thought of immense possibilities that could transpire in the minds and hearts of people. Indeed, subtly or visibly, change happens outside of us and within us no doubt. Because things and people grow – develop. Change is growth. Life is all about change – is all about growth – is all about us moving from one place to another. In that movement we leave behind bits of our layers and at the same time take on new ones sprouting to replace the old. We evolve, transform, progress, improve, mature, and learn-unlearn-relearn. This is our change. This takes place under our very eyes from year to year, from day to day.
“To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly.” ---- (Henri Bergson)
Well, I think this morning's walk gave me more than I had hoped for. I was proceeding down the slope heading for home when Mrs. Reyes, the neighborhood gossip, saw me and engaged me in a chat or should I say ‘gossip’. Not wanting to be rude I let her have her ‘chat’. Anyway, this lady is part of the ‘landscape’ too lolz. As she babbled away, I listened and intently watched her face. Wrinkles etched deeply at the corners of her eyes-- and silver locks of hair mingled with her usual dark tresses. ‘Changed’, I thought.
“You know I saw Mia’s daughter the other day at the mall. Remember she got married to this young army officer the other year? She’s your godchild, right?” spoke Mrs. Reyes breaking up my thoughts.
“Yes, so how is she now?” I replied. “Oh but she hasn’t changed a bit. She has remained the same girl we knew so well when she was here living with her mom.”
“Remained the same? How wonderful!”… And I smiled.
But of course I knew better. Things and people may remain the same – but not really. At that point, I took my leave and walked on home. Rounding the corner I looked back briefly and there she was ---‘chatting’ with another friend. Maybe some things do not change – but then again not really.
“While we flatter ourselves that things remain the same, they are changing under our very eyes from year to year, from day to day.” ----- (Charlotte Perkins Gilman)
So--- where then is this change I do not see? So I stopped walking--- let my eyes roam seeking that ‘change’ so spoken of. Fortunately I stood on a high vantage point which allowed me a good vista of my neighborhood—my place called home. From my left I saw all sorts of trees – tall, in various shapes and sizes, and in the deep darkest of green. But wait…the color seemed to have gone lighter in spots. Are those new leaves sprouting? How interesting! Whoa! Is that a new paint on Mr. Benny’s gate? -- Didn’t see that before. Hey, somebody’s building a new house down at the end of the road. Why didn’t I notice that?! Oh boy, what used to be a vine of flat disc-shaped leaves draping the fence of a friend’s house, now has white blossoms in its midst. Lovely! I almost missed it. I continued my survey of the now interesting landscape of nature, houses, and people before me. My eyes hovered over the area like radar seeking out unfamiliar objects but this time with fresh anticipation of something new. I was greatly rewarded with priceless treasures that no longer stood hidden to me but was revealed by my willingness to see.
Yet my curiosity was even more aroused when I began to wonder – apart from things, just what change goes on inside the person. I smiled at the thought of immense possibilities that could transpire in the minds and hearts of people. Indeed, subtly or visibly, change happens outside of us and within us no doubt. Because things and people grow – develop. Change is growth. Life is all about change – is all about growth – is all about us moving from one place to another. In that movement we leave behind bits of our layers and at the same time take on new ones sprouting to replace the old. We evolve, transform, progress, improve, mature, and learn-unlearn-relearn. This is our change. This takes place under our very eyes from year to year, from day to day.
“To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly.” ---- (Henri Bergson)
Well, I think this morning's walk gave me more than I had hoped for. I was proceeding down the slope heading for home when Mrs. Reyes, the neighborhood gossip, saw me and engaged me in a chat or should I say ‘gossip’. Not wanting to be rude I let her have her ‘chat’. Anyway, this lady is part of the ‘landscape’ too lolz. As she babbled away, I listened and intently watched her face. Wrinkles etched deeply at the corners of her eyes-- and silver locks of hair mingled with her usual dark tresses. ‘Changed’, I thought.
“You know I saw Mia’s daughter the other day at the mall. Remember she got married to this young army officer the other year? She’s your godchild, right?” spoke Mrs. Reyes breaking up my thoughts.
“Yes, so how is she now?” I replied. “Oh but she hasn’t changed a bit. She has remained the same girl we knew so well when she was here living with her mom.”
“Remained the same? How wonderful!”… And I smiled.
But of course I knew better. Things and people may remain the same – but not really. At that point, I took my leave and walked on home. Rounding the corner I looked back briefly and there she was ---‘chatting’ with another friend. Maybe some things do not change – but then again not really.
Feeling Weak After Fighting The Good Fight
This has to be at least three weeks works of stuff to talk about. I'm going to do my best to sum it up instead of just write about every single thing. I'm probably lying but I really am trying to mean it! ^_^
The pass few weeks it seems the aura around me has change. The way I was thinking a bit had also change. I did not care anymore. Not in a bad way but as in I was not keeping myself in check anymore for other people. I ended up just being more of who I am just more open. Well the very interesting thing that's happen is that some girls have been somewhat coming after me. I was just being the usual self just a bit more forward and things were working. Even went on a date. A lot of stuff was going through my head though. I do not go on hardly any dates s the questions in my head were pretty interesting. The girls is really sweet and loyal and all sorts. Yet my head is like, "Am I dating her? The date went well am I seeing seeing her? Hopefully I am not leading her on? should I have told her that? Rory do you actually care? What about other girls? This is working? Is this it? This seemed too easy I'm missing something here aren't I? Why don't I feel attached she's great so why isn't there a better feeling about this? Do I deserve better? Is she attached to me? Am I even ready? I thought I felt ready though? I knew it! There is more to this isn't there aww crap >_<
Yeah so pretty much I do not even know what is up. I told myself well keep your eyes open, but I feel like such a @$$hole about it, because I feel like I'm using. Do I really have search out there. Usually they come in find you. And she kind of did find me I wasn't even doing anything but she found me. Like I have supposely done everything right, she feels better about life and this and that just she feels better about herself and she's working hard to become a better mom as well. Just a ton of stuff. Same thing with the other girl, I'm gettng this too good to be true vibe from them. Yet I tell them like hey I actually kind of flirt a lot and have a lot girls that are friends so I'm just trying to be straight foward. They've both been ok and I'm like uh hmmm... How long is ok though? Both are decent, am I looking for something better? Like I told myself hey you're going to feel like you deserve the hottest girl and the one that would do anything for you. But that is not going to work but do try to look for the best for you. I guess it's more I have been chasing for so long that if a girl were to come after me, I wouldn't have a clue what to do. I think I also been kind of pushing both these girls away. There's not really any other girl in sight or that I have a chance with, because there's always a girl but doesn't see me that way really. So I have reverted back to where I was maybe I hsouldn't have gone out there like that who knows.
Moving onto school. I had my math exit exam out of learning support. I told you so many times that I have hated math. This learning support class of math took me two and half years to get through yet I failed it too much that I actually got kicked out of school for pretty much another two and half years. So really about five years it took to get to where I am. At least I got back into school which is the hardest thing in my life but I did it. I barely qualify to take the Exit exam but I made it, it was incredibly close call. 15 minutes left till the exam I get into a car accident.... I could not believe it, there's already so much stuff wrong with this car like this isn't fair at all. when I was about to walk out of the house today I did say a quick little prayer. have to admit I haven't been talking to God to easily, just cause I really have been busy but I know he's kept me safe from a lot of stuff but I know a lot of the bad stuff that's happen was because I probably deserved it in some way you know. I just really asked him, just like, "God how many times do I have to keep praying about this class and keep humiliating myself over and over and over and over again?"
Back to the car accident. I felt just so stupid. I was turning and there was pretty much a semi truck with the weird blue thing with the wheel on the back. Of course everybody in the turn lane didn't want to end up behind it but that line was already incredibly long so I ended up behind it. We get to turn but someone on the other side had come up to fast and suddenly stop but made the semi truck press on it's break because he was unsure if that person was going to yield. And I press my breaks but they skidded out or something and ran into the back of the semi. really I was only a minute away from the school are you serious. The semi of course didn't even feel a damn thing and had drove of plus I could block an entire intersection especially with that huge amount of traffic. Also I had to think about it if I was going to cause a hassle they might say I was following too close even with our turn light have the right way, and I would not have time to get to the exam and I get a ticket. That would have been a nightmare.
Also I still had to take the test that I have been failing few years in a row. I go into the Exit exam just mind my own business just told myself take the test at least you got this far. I of course take my sweet little time. When I was doing a problem it disappeared and told me I was done. I was like wait what!?! Like I knew the time period was shorter than any there time I've taken the test, it's taken me over an hour always. They give me the paper that tells me my grade I look at the time first. And it was like 45 minutes and I was like oh no I went too fast! @_@ I look at the letter. They always have some sentence telling you pass or failed. Well for the first time in my schooling career I actually PASS the math. It was a huge sigh of relief and an about d@mn time. Too bad it does not count towards my GPA or anything. It just tells me oh you're actually now being accepted as being a NORMAL student. @_@
I think I'm just a bit tired of a lot of stuff just I just don't want to go all over the place to hang out because so much of the summer has been taken out, or just energy wise I just don't want to do a lot of things. And it ended up being a pretty expensive summer just for the car which I STILL have to fix. Two accidents and the speedometer is out now. Had the car like two years with no accidents and this sh!t happens or sh!t really does hit the fan.
In other news. I waited too long on the comic book job, ugh it was because I was not sure about how the school stuff was going to work out. So really I don't have another job as of right now. It suck incredibly bad. I think it's still open but he had to adjust somebody soon as possible and I just was not around really. >_< I'm so pissed at myself I really want that job. I'm really trying to be patient about it, I've wanted this job for so long. I just hate the fact that I really didn't get already now, my heart cried but it didn't say anything to anyone. So a bit depressed about stuff. A lot of the choices could have better choices, I should have been more careful or I should have gone more after this. So I literally somewhat screwed myself up a bit. =_=
The pass few weeks it seems the aura around me has change. The way I was thinking a bit had also change. I did not care anymore. Not in a bad way but as in I was not keeping myself in check anymore for other people. I ended up just being more of who I am just more open. Well the very interesting thing that's happen is that some girls have been somewhat coming after me. I was just being the usual self just a bit more forward and things were working. Even went on a date. A lot of stuff was going through my head though. I do not go on hardly any dates s the questions in my head were pretty interesting. The girls is really sweet and loyal and all sorts. Yet my head is like, "Am I dating her? The date went well am I seeing seeing her? Hopefully I am not leading her on? should I have told her that? Rory do you actually care? What about other girls? This is working? Is this it? This seemed too easy I'm missing something here aren't I? Why don't I feel attached she's great so why isn't there a better feeling about this? Do I deserve better? Is she attached to me? Am I even ready? I thought I felt ready though? I knew it! There is more to this isn't there aww crap >_<
Yeah so pretty much I do not even know what is up. I told myself well keep your eyes open, but I feel like such a @$$hole about it, because I feel like I'm using. Do I really have search out there. Usually they come in find you. And she kind of did find me I wasn't even doing anything but she found me. Like I have supposely done everything right, she feels better about life and this and that just she feels better about herself and she's working hard to become a better mom as well. Just a ton of stuff. Same thing with the other girl, I'm gettng this too good to be true vibe from them. Yet I tell them like hey I actually kind of flirt a lot and have a lot girls that are friends so I'm just trying to be straight foward. They've both been ok and I'm like uh hmmm... How long is ok though? Both are decent, am I looking for something better? Like I told myself hey you're going to feel like you deserve the hottest girl and the one that would do anything for you. But that is not going to work but do try to look for the best for you. I guess it's more I have been chasing for so long that if a girl were to come after me, I wouldn't have a clue what to do. I think I also been kind of pushing both these girls away. There's not really any other girl in sight or that I have a chance with, because there's always a girl but doesn't see me that way really. So I have reverted back to where I was maybe I hsouldn't have gone out there like that who knows.
Moving onto school. I had my math exit exam out of learning support. I told you so many times that I have hated math. This learning support class of math took me two and half years to get through yet I failed it too much that I actually got kicked out of school for pretty much another two and half years. So really about five years it took to get to where I am. At least I got back into school which is the hardest thing in my life but I did it. I barely qualify to take the Exit exam but I made it, it was incredibly close call. 15 minutes left till the exam I get into a car accident.... I could not believe it, there's already so much stuff wrong with this car like this isn't fair at all. when I was about to walk out of the house today I did say a quick little prayer. have to admit I haven't been talking to God to easily, just cause I really have been busy but I know he's kept me safe from a lot of stuff but I know a lot of the bad stuff that's happen was because I probably deserved it in some way you know. I just really asked him, just like, "God how many times do I have to keep praying about this class and keep humiliating myself over and over and over and over again?"
Back to the car accident. I felt just so stupid. I was turning and there was pretty much a semi truck with the weird blue thing with the wheel on the back. Of course everybody in the turn lane didn't want to end up behind it but that line was already incredibly long so I ended up behind it. We get to turn but someone on the other side had come up to fast and suddenly stop but made the semi truck press on it's break because he was unsure if that person was going to yield. And I press my breaks but they skidded out or something and ran into the back of the semi. really I was only a minute away from the school are you serious. The semi of course didn't even feel a damn thing and had drove of plus I could block an entire intersection especially with that huge amount of traffic. Also I had to think about it if I was going to cause a hassle they might say I was following too close even with our turn light have the right way, and I would not have time to get to the exam and I get a ticket. That would have been a nightmare.
Also I still had to take the test that I have been failing few years in a row. I go into the Exit exam just mind my own business just told myself take the test at least you got this far. I of course take my sweet little time. When I was doing a problem it disappeared and told me I was done. I was like wait what!?! Like I knew the time period was shorter than any there time I've taken the test, it's taken me over an hour always. They give me the paper that tells me my grade I look at the time first. And it was like 45 minutes and I was like oh no I went too fast! @_@ I look at the letter. They always have some sentence telling you pass or failed. Well for the first time in my schooling career I actually PASS the math. It was a huge sigh of relief and an about d@mn time. Too bad it does not count towards my GPA or anything. It just tells me oh you're actually now being accepted as being a NORMAL student. @_@
I think I'm just a bit tired of a lot of stuff just I just don't want to go all over the place to hang out because so much of the summer has been taken out, or just energy wise I just don't want to do a lot of things. And it ended up being a pretty expensive summer just for the car which I STILL have to fix. Two accidents and the speedometer is out now. Had the car like two years with no accidents and this sh!t happens or sh!t really does hit the fan.
In other news. I waited too long on the comic book job, ugh it was because I was not sure about how the school stuff was going to work out. So really I don't have another job as of right now. It suck incredibly bad. I think it's still open but he had to adjust somebody soon as possible and I just was not around really. >_< I'm so pissed at myself I really want that job. I'm really trying to be patient about it, I've wanted this job for so long. I just hate the fact that I really didn't get already now, my heart cried but it didn't say anything to anyone. So a bit depressed about stuff. A lot of the choices could have better choices, I should have been more careful or I should have gone more after this. So I literally somewhat screwed myself up a bit. =_=
I gave myself a mullet! LOLZ!!
Been having a pretty shitty new years, because certain people "who I"m not going to name because they are still stalking my every move on the internet" decided to upset me for no good reason. So I wanted something to change....and the only thing I was able to change was my hair. I was due for a haircut, but I didn't want to spend the money nor ask for it. So I figured a self-cut is just fine...
And for the record, I kinda like it! It sorta suits me...
I'm still cracking up about it...DON"T EVER TRUST ME WITH SCISSORS!! lolz...
And for the record, I kinda like it! It sorta suits me...
I'm still cracking up about it...DON"T EVER TRUST ME WITH SCISSORS!! lolz...
A Semi-Rant
I can sense change in the air for me,
I do not know what is about to happen to
me, but I know its happening, and I am a
little nervous.
I hope I meet a man, someone
who totally adores me for who I am, not
the sex or the money, because since people
found out I have money they really just try to
use me, like the last one, "I would come see
you but I don't have gas in my car, could
I borrow some money from you?" Gosh, I
really do not like people like that.
I also hope it is something exciting, like
a promotion or something like that.
I felt this feeling last week that something was
about to change, and now the feeling is
so strong.
I will let everyone know what that change is.
*random moment*
I hate my ex with a fiery passion. He keeps trying to
call me and shit telling me he is sorry for hitting me,
and he is going through counseling now for it, and
he would like me back, and I was like "well thats a
little difficult seeing as I am 4,000 miles away."
Ugh people never see what they have until it is gone.
I do not know what is about to happen to
me, but I know its happening, and I am a
little nervous.
I hope I meet a man, someone
who totally adores me for who I am, not
the sex or the money, because since people
found out I have money they really just try to
use me, like the last one, "I would come see
you but I don't have gas in my car, could
I borrow some money from you?" Gosh, I
really do not like people like that.
I also hope it is something exciting, like
a promotion or something like that.
I felt this feeling last week that something was
about to change, and now the feeling is
so strong.
I will let everyone know what that change is.
*random moment*
I hate my ex with a fiery passion. He keeps trying to
call me and shit telling me he is sorry for hitting me,
and he is going through counseling now for it, and
he would like me back, and I was like "well thats a
little difficult seeing as I am 4,000 miles away."
Ugh people never see what they have until it is gone.
it has commenced!
track started today.
first practice of the season.
it's always a good one, ya know.
there are tons of people there so you basically have someone to talk to no matter what.
it'll change though.
it'll change.
there were TONS of people this year.
last year a lot of people didn't do it because Statzer left.
but this year a lot of those same people decided to do it anyways.
and that's good.
K's doing it. and she's only super amazing fast.
what else...?
oh yeah, like i said Satan is a manager this year instead of running.
i'd rather her just NOT do it.
but also, there are a bunch of managers!
satan,
B who i also really hate,
this girl Alexa,
this girl Ashley...
and some others i didn't even see their faces.
the triathalon is this saturday too..
no team because Audrey isn't doing track and i doubt Apple will come through.
i'll probably end up with Kali and Kami though..
whatevs.
looks better than last year by far.
but, like i said.
the people? they'll change.
about a quarter at the least will quit.
first practice of the season.
it's always a good one, ya know.
there are tons of people there so you basically have someone to talk to no matter what.
it'll change though.
it'll change.
there were TONS of people this year.
last year a lot of people didn't do it because Statzer left.
but this year a lot of those same people decided to do it anyways.
and that's good.
K's doing it. and she's only super amazing fast.
what else...?
oh yeah, like i said Satan is a manager this year instead of running.
i'd rather her just NOT do it.
but also, there are a bunch of managers!
satan,
B who i also really hate,
this girl Alexa,
this girl Ashley...
and some others i didn't even see their faces.
the triathalon is this saturday too..
no team because Audrey isn't doing track and i doubt Apple will come through.
i'll probably end up with Kali and Kami though..
whatevs.
looks better than last year by far.
but, like i said.
the people? they'll change.
about a quarter at the least will quit.
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