Paying For College @ MindSay

Its not so bad, Your only the best I ever had
You dont want me back
Your just the best I ever had

It might take some time to patch me up inside

I cant take it so I run away and hide

I might find in time that you were always right.

Today was great.  I walked downtown and this resturant had a sign for help so i called the number and walked in and had a job interview on the spot.  This lady said they are deffinately interested in me.  She said I'll be a hostess, work in the kitchen, and also her chocolate candy shop next to the resturant.  Thats great.  So she said she'll call me this week to get started and said if she doesnt call by friday to call her. I'm glad i called. Also contacted the school over here too to complete my 30 hours.  I do want to work at Camp Shiloh this year but I dont know if i get picked yet. and that takes away 1 1/2 weeks of work in august.  I didnt realize my pastor extended the childrens camp longer.  So, I may just sit in a classroom and complete that stuff for Nyack.  Get that done.  We'll see.  I just want to make as much money as I can so i can afford college all on my own like i've been doing. Anyways, i think today is completely beautiful outside today.  Its wonderful and I'm soo happy and content being here. :)

I got to see Kingdom Force, www.kingdomforce.com today. They are a group of my friends from college that travel the USA doing ministry. I joked with my grandma saying i felt like saying i was done for the summer since college is next week. I was only kidding though and she spazzed out saying, "You think i'm going to provide for you and help you out cause i'm not. you gotta work so you can buy things that you need in college.. blah blah blah and next year i'm not going to help you out. I co-signed your loan this year but this is the only year i'm going to help you with that. No more." and i'm like dude i was kidding. but thanks for letting me know that i'm not gonna be able to go to college next year cause i dont have a co-signer. Which is totally GAY that we even NEED co-signers for college when its US thats PAYING THE LOAN BACK 6 months AFTER we graduate. I mean come on. Why in the world do we need one. I'm gonna pay everything off myself. It's hard enough not having parents in the first place and now grandma is just gonna dump me after this year? All of my working money i have goes to things i need like shampoo and stuff.  I also have to buy books too so there goes all my money on books!!!!! which is dumb cause i thought financial aid covered that. I should of just added extra money on the loan for books. We'll see. But in the end I know God is in control i just HATE FEELING SO UNWANTED DANG IT. i've felt this way for years and i still feel this way even today after all of this with my own grandma.  Ya know... grandma said she'd take me to get my license next summer.. i do still have that appointment and dad said he'd take me driving tomorrow and i'd spend the night and drive and he'd take me to my appointment on tuesday before work. Hmm. I may call him up tomorrow and have him do it. I wanna drive. I do. If i get it this week i wont have to come back home next summer. I could go somewhere else. maybe work on campus or something. I just dont want to be around and the only thing that's stopping me is not having my license. So yeah. I'm gonna go call up my twin sister and tell her i want to drive. I'm taking that up. I'll tell grandma.

-- Brittany

The Unwanted Girl that only feels that God is the only one that wants her..

Since my dad lost his full time job i know my mom is worried about paying bills. She just got off her weekend shift, something I will never understand how she does.... 12 hours both saturday and sunday night from 6:30 pm to 6:30 am. On monday at work I was getting tired after my 6 and a half hour shift and I realized my mom is so unbelievable for keeping that job because she has a deadbeat husband. I took her out to dinner  Monday night, I said there was no reason, but it was my little way of saying thank you.

I was feeling good after paying for dinner. I wanted to walk around a bit more. I went and bought shit at walmart I will need for college. Things like bandaids, advil, midol (maybe that will help... I really just dont want to get put on birth control lol) body wash and a few other small items. It came to around $ 27. though it pained me to know I just spent that much money, I really felt good about taking control of my life. Today I went out and bought a ton of new things for college. I got things like a new hairdyer, straightener, sheets, icecubes, mattress pad a thing that holds your papers up for you so you can type, cappicino mix.... just a bunch of random things I need. I marked off a good chunk of things I needed. All for not that bad of a price. It hurt me every time I took out my credit card, but family members gave me around 550 dollars to spend on college things. At least I splurged 60 bucks today on a ton of items I need, instead of like 2 shirts I wanted.

When I sent in my housing I sent my own 200 dollars in as a deposit.

I love to pay for things myself. I like feeling more independent and not such a let down to my mom.

My mom explained to me in the car today she had another guy in college desperately want to marry her. He wouldnt give up on the fact of wanting to marry her. She didnt want to because she wanted to make it out on her own and know she could do it before she had someone else to worry about. She said she felt smart for doing it. I honestly spoke up and said you could have given up true happiness to marry who you married today. I wonder what my moms life would have been life if she decided to marry him instead. Maybe I wouldnt be around, but she could have been truely happy... not this fake hurt mask she puts on every day.

My mom deserves better