Pause @ MindSay 
It was Thursday, April 30th at 11:20 PM. As I sat at my desk listening to my police scanner in the background a call comes through that I had heard before but never quite thought about the same way. A local man, just seconds before dispatch had put the call out, had placed a gun to his head and blew his brains out. From every direction, police headed towards the scene. The call was coded as "Critical". The final call into dispatch (of any real substance) was to code the call out as a "66" for Suicide. "But", the officer remarked, "It could be a 64 (homicide), we're not ruling anything out". It turned out to be a suicide, had all of the earmarks of a suicide like no foul play, suidical ideation, and all of the various signs of a death being ruled a suicide, rather than a homicide.
Over the last few days, I have really been thinking about that guy - what was going through his mind at that very moment, what pushed him to the edge and then over? Being the last day of the month, did he not have rent to cover the next month? Had he lost his job? Did he not have food? Why was his situation now "critical" when it should have been "critical" long before he made that decision? What was his last thought? How did he decide what his last thought would be? *sigh*
The next morning, Deborah Jeane Palfrey took her life in the shed on her mother's property. The DC Madam was facing prison time, but relatively speaking, not that much. Most professionals speculate that it would have been less than 10 years and that at 52 years old, she would still have quite a few years to enjoy her life. She wasn't to be sentenced until July. At the very least, she had a few more months of freedom. While reports state that she always said she would kill herself before going back to prison, what made her give up those last few months? Why would she allow her mother to find her?
Finality is just so difficult to deal with and it's always unfair to those of us who watch from afar. What we wouldn't give to just tell Ms. Palfrey to enjoy those last few months. What we wouldn't give to keep that guy from pulling the trigger. The truth of the matter is - suicide is often the victims way of saying, "Everything else in my life has gone to shit, but I'll be good and god damned if I'm not going to be in control of this decision". The unnamed male victim and Ms. Palfrey made the choice that they were going to write the terms to their death - that this wasn't one that fate was going to get over on them.
I've heard quite a few homicide, shootings, tragic accidents (including decapitation), violent carjackings, and far worse on the scanner in the past year - but nothing jarred me quite like this suicide. In all of the aforementioned situations, the victim probably had no choice in the matter. In the latter, the victim had all of the choice yet chose to give themselves "no other choice" at all.
I am not one to judge. I too have fought suicidal thoughts and I know how dark it can be inside one's head when they feel like nobody and nothing can help them. I just wish that suicide victims would choose not to make the "only choice that they feel they can make"
."I've got like all this aggression, right? I--ok, well basically I got audited this year and really, like, really fucking pissed me off because I like trusted H&R Block and shit, you know? Whatever--fuck them. So I've been all like taking it out in my art and just feeling it through... like... you know... and, whatever." (Scratches head vigorously, leaving hair awry) "Dude, basically I don't care. I mean, there have to be a lot of tits. And like a fuck-ton of torture, you know? Probably, like, some bitches should die and shit. That was one of the fucking worst things, man... like my H&R rep was so fucking hot... and--"
.(Producers are obviously annoyed) "So, do you have a story?"
."What?"
."What's your idea? What's going to happen in the film?"
."Dude, don't call it a film. That's so fucking pretentious."
."WHAT FUCKING HAPPENS IN THE MOVIE?!?"
."I just fucking told you... calm the fuck down. Is it like time for your shot or something?"
.(Producers glare)
."Okay, see, I don't really care. Plot is like so unimportant. It's like so insignificant. I was thinking like college kids or something--"
."We've seen too many of those. I feel like this project--"
."But wait, you've seen like college kids on roadtrips and shit. College kids in America living the American fucking dream when someone comes and fucks up their little bubble, right? Basically, I think that's bullshit, right? It's like..." (stares at ceiling for about 5 minutes--producers blinking) "Like a backpacking trip in Europe, right? Kids do that shit all the time. Living the fucking American dream in a third-world country."
"What the fuck is this, Eurotrip 2?"
."No, dude... see, in Eurotrip they didn't mean to end up in Eastern Europe. It's like the whole joke, see? In this movie they mean to go there."
."And what happens to them in Eastern Europe?"
."It's fucking Eastern Europe, you know? Like Hungary or slovakia or one of those fucking-vakias... Like, some fucked up shit can go down there and people can just like get away with it."
.(Producers again stare blankly) What kind of shit? Look, that's all we want to know..."
.I don't know... like some tits early on, and then we can just start killing people off. I mean, they can like torture them for a long time. Some bitches would die. That would be like... pretty much it."
."So you want to make a snuff film?"
."Uh... Like... No, I think this is pretty much revolutionary... like its own thing."
."It sounds more like a snuff film..."
."Wait... no... see you just don't get it... I feel like you don't get me. Is that the fucking problem here? I mean, is this like too deep or some shit? Look, there's gonna be a story or something, I just don't deal with that in my movies. I mean, it's so insignificant." (awkward pause) "My cousin Eddie does paperbacks... like the dimestore kind, you know? He makes okay money. Like a lotta chicks buy his shit in the south. Anyway, he said he'd put something together for me. I trust him."
.(Very long, very awkward pause)
."Deal."
_____________
.Two weeks Later:
.Production for the newly titled "movie" Boarding House is finished.
.Tagline: "Pay ten buck to like watch people die and shit."
I've finally decided that its about time for me to write a blog expressing my feelings and my outlook on life. Prepare for major non-transitional sentances that don't exactly go together. I'll add lyrics when necessary to elaborate my points.
Currently, my life is dim and nearly lifeless. Not in the physical sense... i'm healthy as a tumbleweed 
. Its like the fat lady has sung and the final curtain is drawn. I'm bored with my town... my friends... my school... everything.
Don't you just wish that for a moment the world would pause?
Everything that I said I'd do
Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn
And the world spins madly on
It seems like time is going by so quickly.
The years have been short but the days were long.
I wish I could go back a few years and say things that I didnt want to say and do things that I didnt want to do. There are so many things...
I've stopped my dreaming,
I won't do too much scheming
These days, these days.
These days I sit on corner stones
And count the time in quarter tones to ten.
Please don't confront me with my failures,
I had not forgotten them.
I'm running out of ways to describe what I'm trying to describe. My stomach has been fluttery these past few weeks. Just an endless fluttering feeling. Its an ironic feeling. A mix of hopefullness and let downs. Nervousness. Carelessness. Almost anything you can think of that ends in 'ness'.
Do you ever think of how stressing different words in a sentance can give it a completely different tone?
I love you. (as if you don't know who I am)
I love you. (as if you didnt know)
I love you (as if you dont believe its you)
You know? I know.
A tear in the fabric that no one could see
But your heart was always unraveling
I gathered the twine as it trailed from behind
And collected it all in my coat
but don't worry. be happy.
Next week I am going to our Church's Leadership conference in Greensboro... Will drive up on Monday and come back Wednesday afternoon! I am excited about getting a tremendous download from our Pastor from Australia, Phil Pringle and all of the other speakers! I think I am ready to hear what they have to say and move into the next phase of my life.
hereruraisins29 asked not to long ago, if we were happy with ourselves and why. I dont recall exactly how I answered her, but it did get me thinking and I was actually pleasantly surprised to hear myself say...Yes, I like myself.
That too is growth. 41 years old and I like myself. I think I spent the first 20 years of my "adult" life trying to prove to the 'world' who I was, prove that I could do it, whatever it was. In all that busy-ness I created such a whirlwind that whenever my spirit grew quiet, I felt disturbed and couldnt put my finger on it.
So, I would find another project to dive into...foster parenting, different jobs, education-more classes, change of careers, adoption, teaching, church. This past year has forced me into solitary confinement. Forced me to slow down. But nothing really prepared me for the day, when I asked myself that question she posed and I answered...yes, I like myself. And I felt a deep peace....like a restful sigh take ahold of me.
God's peace. Peace that really does pass all understanding. Because how can I feel peace by looking at the externals of my life, of my current situation...it makes no sense! But I have the peace none the less.
The other day, I was fretting about my rent at the office. I am still behind a month, trying to catch up. I am blessed with a very understanding landlady, but I worry that I am pressing my 'luck' so to speak. Understandibly. I said, ok God...You gave me a financial boon for a couple of weeks and I was able to make major strides in the finances, but not enough to really just pull all the way out from under.
From there, my mind went to a dozen places. Then I felt Him answer me. "Dawn, you are worrying about something that you asked Me to take care of...are you truly trusting me to take care of it, this shouldnt be stressing you out or causing worry, let Me do the work"
Hefty thought there too, isnt it? That saying that has become a little trite in christian circles "Let go and Let God" I just needed to hear it laid out like that to me, at that moment.
What is God trying to say to you this moment? Have you asked for peace? But continue to worry? Have you asked for love, but continue to hate or judge? Have you asked for freedom but continue to do the same things that got you in whatever 'prison' you are currently in? Have you asked for direction, but continue to drown out the answer with other 'noise'?
Selah: ( Hebrew: סלה) may mean "stop and listen", within the context of a prayer or psalms, is similar in purpose to Amen in that it stresses the importance of the preceding passage. In this way, Selah is thought to imply that one should pause and reflect on what has been said.
Take a moment to really reflect, to pause right now. Take a deep breath, close your eyes. Say Thank You for where you are right now, for today is what will make you stronger for tomorrow.
Love and Laughter,
Dawn
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