Past Mistakes @ MindSay

So after what happened last night (and maybe I over reacted) I really don't know what to do anymore. I understand why Christi and I have had continued problems throughout the past year but hell who knows if that will change.

 

Part of me feels like giving up. I don't know that anything is ever going to be good again. But I feel like giving up makes me weak. And you know you can't make someone change. You can't make someone see your point of view. This is why I think maybe I should give up and get over it. I'm sure we'll both be fine. I love her. I've never loved anyone like I love her but you can't make someone love you in return.

 

I mean I've been reading over these past entries. I see my mistakes. I can work so they don't happen that way again. I can make her feel a way I've not let her feel in a long time. I see these mistakes like I've never seen them before. I may have said I saw them in the past but I don't think I really did. Not the way I do now.

When we were growing up anytime my siblings or I got in an argument and went to my father to settle it the one who said "It's not fair" automatically lost. This was mainly because my dad was sick of hearing it but I did kind of teach us that we can't expect everything to be all rose colored. Looking back, it was just an extra easy was to settle a petty disagreement quickly and probably wasn't the best example of conflict resolution. But I didn't care because back then I learned quickly to avoid those words while my sister would whine it almost every time.
But, like I said, in a weird way it reinforce that all-important lesson of life's just not fair, so deal with it.
Over the weekend  it dawned on me that I have been feeling sorry for myself and dwelling on the past too much. I've been asking myself a lot of "what ifs". Like, What if I this welding doesn't work out? Or what if I had not flaked off and screwed up in school? What if I had not been home schooled? What if I had treated my family better? What if I had stuck in there and finished college? And on and on...
But these "what ifs" don't matter because I can't change the past and I know that I can and will be a superstar welder one day, I just have to hold in there. The past is the past and we have to live with it, the good and the bad. Our Memories will always be there no matter what, but that isn't the important thing.
The most important thing is what we do after we make all our mistakes. We have a choice, do we let the bad memories and past mistakes become our only focus and cause more pain, or do we just move on and do the best we can in spite of the mistakes we made.
With all my  moping around and feeling sorry for myself I am just making it worse. Sure it sucks that I'm unemployed, hopelessly single, and very broke. But, I need to stay positive and hopeful. Remind myself that things are gonna get better. My current situation demands it.
Just like when my sisters and I were fighting over who's turn doing the dishes it was if I just pout and whine about life being unfair I'm going to lose.
So, starting today I'm going to be more positive, forget all my lame "what ifs", and remind myself that I can and will succeed.
And, maybe it's giving me better Karma or something because I've been having a good day. This morning my dad bought me a cup of coffee, and then this super cool bus driver let me ride the bus for a quarter  instead of the usual $1.25. The Pistons and Red wings are in the finals and that makes me happy. And I called one of the temp agencies I interviewed with and was told about a job possibility.
So, life's not all bad, I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

Mark

You came into my life unexpectedly, and knocked me off of my feet with your ability to spill your guts onto the page, spewing your pain and sorrow in such an eloquent way, leaving me wondering how one person could contain such pain and sorrow and still live to tell the tale.

But tell the tale you did, and reading your work wrenched my heart, wringing it out like a washrag, causing a longing in me to save you from your agony, yet helplessly looking on as you spiraled down into the oblivion of depression and heartache.

You were like the little girl who had a little curl in the middle of her forehead, whom my mother had always told me about (and accused me of being like).  When you were good, you were very very good, but when you were bad, you were horrid.   One moment you would be there, playing scrabble with me, as cheerful as a lark, as though yesterday had not happened, when you had not been able to contain your grief.  I knew then that you had serious problems, but you insisted that your medications took away that creative edge that your readers loved, and you refused to take them, all the while self destructing, addictions keeping you in their vice like grip, refusing to drop the stranglehold they had on you.

We instantly became friends, in those times when I could tolerate you, or when you would turn up after days or weeks of not coming by, when you were wallowing in the mire of your depression, drinking to take away the pain, yet causing vicious cycle after vicious cycle.  I recognized myself in you, and where I could have been, but for the grace of God.

You, as did I, questioned a God who would allow a person to go through such mental anguish, allowing you to cry out in pain, and yet, not coming to the rescue.  I had prayed the same prayer, and tried to escape addictive behavior but there was no God in sight and His people frowned on Psychiatric help in favor of "turning to Jesus, who took stripes on His back for you".  I know now, as do you, that He was there all the time, and allowed things to happen for a reason, but that He gives wisdom and knowledge to caring physicians who know the illnesses of the mind.

You disappeared two years ago, just as quickly as you had come.  Now you were here, and I had found a friend, with whom I felt an empathy, and just as soon, you disappeared.

I sorrowed over you, for it felt as if a part of me, a person who had known what it felt like to be me, had been wrenched away, like the rib from under Adams' breast;  but you did not become a new creation for my pleasure as his rib did. It seemed you had gone forever, leaving a consistent aching in my side.

Time dulled the ache, but never erased the memories of you, or stopped me from hoping against hope, and praying that you had not taken your own life, as you had so often wished to do.  I just prayed that the spark of potential that I saw in you would somehow have ignited a spark in you to take control and do something to turn your life around.

"And suddenly I turned around, and what do you think I found?" (lines of a song i love) There you were! When I saw your picture, I thought at first that I had seen an apparition, for surely if it were you, you would not mind me talking to you, communicating again after all this time, which meant, YOU WERE OKAY!

The gift of today, was a present I could only dream of.  Here you were, my friend of friends, back in my life, but to tell me that you had sought help again, and had stumbled on a wise doctor who was able to diagnose and treat the core of your problem.  And, joy of all joys, you are still able to write.  But this time, instead of pain bursting forth, regurgitated onto the page, there are words of joy that come from a soul who has, at last found peace.

We spoke, and each found that we had found help, hope and inner quietude that we thought could not exist.  You are with the wife of your youth, and have the favor of your darling daughter....a miracle you thought could never happen.  We have both received second chances at this life that at one time spun out of our control. 

There may be inner demons for a while, even years to come, but with the help of God, as well as medication and wise physicians, we now know we can overcome and stay healthy and at peace.

I am so glad you are back, my friend, and that you are the one I saw in you from the first.  For now, you are not HORRID at all, but very very good!

This friend is crushgroove67 if any of you wish to skip over to his blog and welcome him back after his two year sabbatical.  This one's for you, JB, my friend!

OOOH LALA.....LA......LALALALALALA!!!!!!!!!!

MAKE YOUR MISTAKES AS FAST AS YOU CAN-AH

WHEN IT'S ALL OVER

ALL YOU DO IS..........DANCE-AH!

I'm sure I'll probably here from a few of you and be told I have gone coo-coo for coco puffs but who reallycares?

Wendsday, I read what Coral wrote on her Mindsay page. It was crazy, very emotional, and very weird, but it made perfect sence to me.

So, I sent her this message:

" This maybe a mistake but if u want me back just say it quit the drama and speak your soul speak your heart. maybe it would b best 2 cut the bull. I L-O-V-E you."

 

Coral and I spoke for anmost an hour that night. We are getting back. Nothing to serious right now but we both admited we had made alot of mistakes in the past. We admited that we still loved each other very much and were unhappy.

The past two days have been good. We have been a little too lovey-dovey which I asked her about. We have had our first emotional conversation about the past.

I haven't told anyone yet except this gay guy at work but he doesn't really count 'cause  i haven't known him very long. When I do I am sure to go a few people lecturing me. But fuck it, I've been miserable the past five months and Coral makes me happy. 

I really want this to work out.

 And that's that. I'm not going to go into any more really personal stuff I've done enough of that this week

Wish us luck, I really want this to work.

 

Thanks for reading,

Mark M.

 

P.S. Bummer, no one poseted any top fives. 

 

[9:19pm]