Past Life @ MindSay

I trusted him I really did. I feel a little stupid for doing so. There is so much he didn't tell me. So many issues he's working through. It's sad and I do empathize and sympathize in some ways. It seems like a long hard road ahead.

 

This morning I woke up with a scary thought: When's my period? I hope I am not pregnant.

 

Not that I am. I honestly think that every month...always have but this morning was different. I pondered a bit and I started feeling really sad. I used to want a child. I love children, but the past months have made me not want anymore children. I can't imagine how he'd treat me. Would our child be taught to disrespect me too? I just felt a horrible feeling.

 

The past few days have been ok. Dariah's here so I have her to talk to. That's great. If she wasn't here I don't know how things would be. Anyway...my problem I guess.

 

I would like to talk to him. Talk in general. I guess he's gotten so used to living a life that allows him to forget his past.  It's sad. I thought my childhood was a disaster. Turns out his was worse. What makes his even more worse than mine is that it seems he never got over it. Instead, he tried to just make a life for himself. I think he's done fine with that. But as you and I know, what ever you hide doesn't die its just laid to rest for as long as one can. When we decided to get married, I think his past started crowding in on him. He was going to have to face his family. He wanted me to meet them. I guess? I don't know.

 

I think his deployment brought up all types of memories. Made them fresh in ways he didn't expect. Of course this is all speculation because he won't talk to me. I am just trying to make sense of it all. The problem is it effects how he treats me I guess.

 

Long story short. I don't know much about the man I am married to. I wish he'd talk and let me in..but he won't.

 So my scenario didn't turn out how I'd hoped, but instead how I feared. Moravian did not deliver. There are 2 good things, well 1 good thing and 1 weird thing worth saying about it though. It is one of the most beautiful places ever, especially that Comenius Hall. Secondly, it felt like I was there before. I knew my way around it instantly, and that NEVER happens. I have the worst sense of direction in the world. When I go to a new place, I never know which way to go. Sometimes I have to think about where I am in school, and I've been there for almost 3 years. But Moravian seemed very familiar. I sort of expected that though, because I dreamed about it. It didn't look how it did in my dream, or maybe it just doesn't look like that now...

 

Well despite if I was in Bethlehem in my past life, the point is, now I have revamped my idea of what I want in a college, meaning I must re-search agian. I wont get to visit everywhere I apply, and I discovered today, visiting is important. I didn't want to, but I might just have to go out of state if I think certain factors are better there.

 

Yet my happiness is accelerating because my...love ("boyfriend" just sounds like an understatement, as I've said before, it's a very mediocre term to describe something this profound) is sounding more like he'd like to apply to the same colleges as me. We connected on a new level yesterday, which I didn't even think was possible (well besides sex, and that wasn't what it was).

 

My mother & my grandmother insinuate that I not continue to see him. They say his parents are weird, and it will always be difficult. They say I can find someone better. Never again will I give up just because it's hard. It's worth every moment of my time. And what could be better than this? What on EARTH could be better than this?

 

This is a bold statement, maybe even naive, but I don't think they even no what it's really like.

My grandmother had one husband, and several boyfriends. They all wronged her in some way, left her raising 2 kids alone. My mother, a few boyfriends before my step dad, who she has been married to for 14 years, yet is unhappy with. She told me her feelings for him "left a long time ago". She's only staying with him for our sake. She knew him for a year before they got married. It was probably the same for my grandmother as well, because that's what they did. They married in their early 20s. I truly don't think they experienced true happiness in any of those relationships, at least none that was lasting. They never got to the new stages, they plateaued on that first one, jumped the gun, & ended up SOL because they realized they never really, truly loved them.

People rush things. We didn't. If they knew how great it really was, they would never want to deny me that feeling.

You know, I just looked through by past blogs over the last 6 months, and was surprised and pleased that I have said very little about my life during that time, except for my dieting.  which, I need to get back on track, but leave that for another day.  There are things in  my life that I didn't want to see in black and white, b & w is much harsher than the muted shades of memory. and someday I want to be able to recall this time in my life with a dullness that will leave me wondering why I even bother to remember.  So today, is for Theraputic self discovery.  Come with me and tell me how you have grown in the past months, and how you will continue to be in control of your life and happiness.

I will not let lies and the crappy attitudes of others in my life determine my happiness.  I will limit my time with negative people to brief meaningful exchanges, and end them before they turn negative.  I will take time for myself to get 7-8 hours of sleep, and to increase my water intake and daily exercise.  I am MISCHELLE and I am  important person in my life, and I LOVE myself enough to make healthy choices. 

Bands won't play no more
too much fighting on the dance floor
Do you remember the good old days before the ghost town?

I have seen the spectres of my past and I have even been contacted by these ghosts from long ago. I am not afraid to confront the past that I have long since buried. This is not my Christmas Carol for I have not spent my life chained to my sins. And yet here I am wondering why my life functions as it does and what the meaning of this is in the grand scheme of things...

I have seen the spectres of my past and I yet I have shown no fear for the life I lead back then is not the life that I lead now. I am not the same person I was in my past, I have seen the ghosts and I shall not return to what I was when these people where alive in my life. There is no return for life is a one way street that leads to a dead-end...

Now I am left to wonder why so many weird occurrences happen to me in a short period of time and why so many ghosts have appeared. Is there a reason why this has happened? Is there a greater purpose to these seemly random events that have occurred within such a short period of time that would make me stop and wonder if there was something I should be seeing in these events? And I wonder and wonder about things that I as a human will never be able to understand. I wonder about the big picture, but I am only able to see what is before me - it is as if I as a three-dimensional being am trying to see the fourth dimension from where I sit and through it all I know that I can never experience anything outside my own dimension. And yet I still try to see what is beyond me knowing that I will never be able to do so...

And still there are those spectres of my past that have haunted me this past week. I have gone so long without seeing the ghosts that when three appear during the course of one week appear I have to take notice. I have not changed my routine much over the past year, and now I wonder why three paths cross mine in so short a period of time when they had not crossed it in many years. Should I take this as a sign? Or is this just some strange twist of fate?

There are so many things to think of when I think of things that occupy my thoughts as I type with only the thoughts of the spectres in my brain - the shadows that are cast upon the walls of my skull that I have to watch and wonder what the plot of this grand play is. The have come from the dark times rattling chains and I know not why...

This is the Word of the AntiCrust...

Praise be ye who Read the Word for ye are Blessed amongst humans...

Listening to: Shu- Coccoon

 

I have been 18 for a whole day and I just can't believe how great it feels! I have been partying for the past 24 hours in non-stop mode and I feel like passing out any second now. Tonight we are going to be celebrating once again!!

 

I have this weird  feeling in my stomach.. i don't know if it's just my hangover speaking... or if I'm actually getting this nostalgic flashback of something I have experienced before but I think I'm in love again.I know- it's so fast and irradical- but what started out as a fling over easter weekend developed into something much deeper and now my world can't stop spinning. I've never had a friendship with someone so upredictable and funny in my life!It's based on the randomnest conversations ever!

 

Maybe single life isn't all that it's cut out to be.. I think I have entered a new realm of understanding on this aspect- and if this does turn into a relationship I won't mind at all.

 

I'm off to bed now! Recooperating before tonights party starts again..