Past And Present @ MindSay

Echoes down my track
It's at the moment bound for nowhere -
Just going round and round...

And so here it is another day in this long list of days that I have experienced in this long existence most of which just seem to blend into the next and become one hazy half-remember memory...

And I suppose that this is the way that the brain operates as the past in pushed further and further to the rear so that the present has its moment of glory at the front of the line even though the present cannot be measured by any equipment created by man as it is plowed under by each passing present. And such is time as I experience it and so has it been and so shall it be for all eternity - each instance moves further and further away, pushed from view by the newbies that demand one's attention and then they vanish from reality...

And thus are my thoughts as I sit here at this moment and enjoy all that the world will present to me in the coming moments though these thoughts will be plowed under by thoughts to come for this is the natural progression of things just as one generation is plowed under by the next until nothing remains above ground to mark their paths...

Lately I have been trying to remember the past and all that I was back in the day so very far away. Most of which is due to the fact that spent some time working on my MySpace though some has to do with the fact that I have another birthday fast approaching. MySpace has turned out to be an interesting experience on a number of levels. I have rediscovered some of my high school friends, some friends from my Usenet days, bands that I listened to back in college, many things from the past that had long since been plowed under by all that I perceive in the present...

Strange are the thoughts that fill my head as I try to remember the past, and strange they shall remain until something new steps to the front of the line and demands that I give it some attention...

This is the Word of the AntiCrust...

Praise be ye who Read the Word for ye are Blessed amongst humans...

You came into my life unexpectedly, and knocked me off of my feet with your ability to spill your guts onto the page, spewing your pain and sorrow in such an eloquent way, leaving me wondering how one person could contain such pain and sorrow and still live to tell the tale.

But tell the tale you did, and reading your work wrenched my heart, wringing it out like a washrag, causing a longing in me to save you from your agony, yet helplessly looking on as you spiraled down into the oblivion of depression and heartache.

You were like the little girl who had a little curl in the middle of her forehead, whom my mother had always told me about (and accused me of being like).  When you were good, you were very very good, but when you were bad, you were horrid.   One moment you would be there, playing scrabble with me, as cheerful as a lark, as though yesterday had not happened, when you had not been able to contain your grief.  I knew then that you had serious problems, but you insisted that your medications took away that creative edge that your readers loved, and you refused to take them, all the while self destructing, addictions keeping you in their vice like grip, refusing to drop the stranglehold they had on you.

We instantly became friends, in those times when I could tolerate you, or when you would turn up after days or weeks of not coming by, when you were wallowing in the mire of your depression, drinking to take away the pain, yet causing vicious cycle after vicious cycle.  I recognized myself in you, and where I could have been, but for the grace of God.

You, as did I, questioned a God who would allow a person to go through such mental anguish, allowing you to cry out in pain, and yet, not coming to the rescue.  I had prayed the same prayer, and tried to escape addictive behavior but there was no God in sight and His people frowned on Psychiatric help in favor of "turning to Jesus, who took stripes on His back for you".  I know now, as do you, that He was there all the time, and allowed things to happen for a reason, but that He gives wisdom and knowledge to caring physicians who know the illnesses of the mind.

You disappeared two years ago, just as quickly as you had come.  Now you were here, and I had found a friend, with whom I felt an empathy, and just as soon, you disappeared.

I sorrowed over you, for it felt as if a part of me, a person who had known what it felt like to be me, had been wrenched away, like the rib from under Adams' breast;  but you did not become a new creation for my pleasure as his rib did. It seemed you had gone forever, leaving a consistent aching in my side.

Time dulled the ache, but never erased the memories of you, or stopped me from hoping against hope, and praying that you had not taken your own life, as you had so often wished to do.  I just prayed that the spark of potential that I saw in you would somehow have ignited a spark in you to take control and do something to turn your life around.

"And suddenly I turned around, and what do you think I found?" (lines of a song i love) There you were! When I saw your picture, I thought at first that I had seen an apparition, for surely if it were you, you would not mind me talking to you, communicating again after all this time, which meant, YOU WERE OKAY!

The gift of today, was a present I could only dream of.  Here you were, my friend of friends, back in my life, but to tell me that you had sought help again, and had stumbled on a wise doctor who was able to diagnose and treat the core of your problem.  And, joy of all joys, you are still able to write.  But this time, instead of pain bursting forth, regurgitated onto the page, there are words of joy that come from a soul who has, at last found peace.

We spoke, and each found that we had found help, hope and inner quietude that we thought could not exist.  You are with the wife of your youth, and have the favor of your darling daughter....a miracle you thought could never happen.  We have both received second chances at this life that at one time spun out of our control. 

There may be inner demons for a while, even years to come, but with the help of God, as well as medication and wise physicians, we now know we can overcome and stay healthy and at peace.

I am so glad you are back, my friend, and that you are the one I saw in you from the first.  For now, you are not HORRID at all, but very very good!

This friend is crushgroove67 if any of you wish to skip over to his blog and welcome him back after his two year sabbatical.  This one's for you, JB, my friend!

Sometimes we have to forget about yesterday and not concern ourselves  with tomorrow, sometimes we have to just focus on today and let the past be the past and let what is to come deal with itself and we just haver to enjoy our present moment, because if you think about it today is all we really have.

My current facebook status is:  "SoshaSarah is wondering if she's lost her way or if she's just living in the present instead of the past."

 

I keep thinking that maybe I should have gone to the station party tonight.  I've gone every other year I've been here.  But as much as I'd love to be on the air again, I'm not going to do a show alone, and even if I was, I don't have time for it this year.

 

Had I gone, there would have been nobody to talk to and nothing to do.  I would have been miserable, just like I was every year in the past.

 

But I missed it.  And since I didn't go, I'm sitting here wishing I had.

(And to some degree it also comes down to the guys I wish I was friends with, who probably weren't even there)

 

And the weird thing is, I think I want to use the green room for my drawing homework.  But I can't.  Plus, I wouldn't want to schlep all of my stuff up there anyway,.

We all sometimes don't do what we should. Why is it that we can't be like the buddhists of the world that never harm anything, or say anything against each other? Why do we always go about throwing rocks at each other in an attempt to prove that we are the ones that are perfect? The last couple of months I have came to my senses, through the hard way. I told everyone that I hated my ex and said some things that were down right untrue about her. I tried to erase her from my past and from my present, but I found that I just could not do it. The fact is is that she is my ex, and although we aren't together...I still love and care about her deeply. It hasn't just been her that hasn't worked that hard with our relationship, I am maning up and saying that it has been my fault just as much as hers. I don't like to keep grudges with anyone, and I hope maybe by writing this it changes some peoples opinion or viewpoint of me. I have said some downright hateful things, all in the attempt of getting people to like me on this thing called mindsay. The truth is, that noone really even cares about what I write or do not write. One person's opinion in cyberspace, is as good as anyone else's. It's time for me to grow up, I challenge you to evaluate your own life. Make amends with people, because you never know when you may not have them around. Tell people that you love them. I wish that I would have told my bestfriend how much I cherished his friendship, I never got the chance because he drowned.