Past @ MindSay

I was thinking earlier when thinking about the past, maybe I try hard to overcompensate for some sort of deep down inferiority complex - I do things that are designed to subliminally boost me - I reassure myself, I tell others what I want to hear myself, I listen to music where I wish it was directed at me.

I mentioned the theory to my dad, and said how I am amazed by the wisdom and abilities of youngsters today compared to what I was like, to which he kinda launched into an attack on me - along the lines of "you were normal until you reached the middle of school when the your friends started to push you around, then you went drastically into retreat in life".

After some soulsearching I admit deep down I am frightened of life, which is causing me problems - but is it any wonder? If I do have an inferiority complex deep down it's not helping if my dad views me as inferior himself and psychologically attacks me, but maybe that's the only way he knows. On many other levels though we get on well and things are much better. He always claims that we make him proud, but I know really he secretly looks down on me for being quiet, he much prefers the company of loud people and it's obvious by the people he favours and his happiness around them and my sister (who is outgoing) - me on the contrary always have to defend myself. Feeling sad, or at least showing it is considered a bad thing, and gains no sympathy.

Nevertheless, realising that bit of my past might've unlocked something, regressing to it made me a frightened child again, for awhile, so that I'd realise, but I think I've overcome something deep down, at least a little. Hopefully my bravery when facing the world will be more genuine and less superficial, and will let me do more, and I think If I can start driving, get a decent job, and maybe even start dating, I'd have proven the world wrong about me, I'd have proven my capability to myself, and I'd be totally released from my fear, hopefully. I've achieved some goals already making progress to that end (getting a crappy job as a start, getting the degree, and something I'd rather not go into ;) )

Anyone noticed this?
By and large most people seem fonder of the past environment than they do of the present, even if the past was more messed up - but when they see themselves as human beings, they seem to always prefer what they are now over what they used to be.
The past is more familiar... and with that comes security and certainty, which gives comfort
The past also contains people we used to know...
And music and films we liked and grew to love
And ways of doing things that would seem amusing to us today

One example: pain - We don't want it in the present or future, but we don't necessarily regret it being in the past (or best if you don't) - because that pain made us who we are, and by that point it's gone and can't be re-experienced...
By total opposites - we want happiness in out present and future, but we only tend to want to be reminded of a happy past if the future is good too, otherwise it's a kick in the balls to think of what you lost. Still though, maybe we can learn to appreciate the happy times of even things that did end. That happiness will always be there in the past... and for pain... we can learn to forget.

I suppose when you do look at the past, we choose which bits to recall... and pain and day to day monotony aren't there - but we also choose not to forget what we since learned - so we go back into the past with more knowledge than we had then, and can see why things happened, and perhaps feel like we would be better suited to dealing with that situation in the future... almost a feeling like second chance - only that that chance won't be in the past

I dreamt about Jae last night.  It's his birthday tomorrow and I've been thinking a lot about the past anyway.

He and  I were tooling around town, trying to get something to eat.  We'd had no luck at Carl Jr's, so he went to Baskin Robbins.  I was still on a burger hunt, so I was at Wendy's.  They still hadn't taken my order when some kid brushes against my arm and I freak out and leave the restaurant.

I go across the street and I'm sitting with my back against the wall, just trying to chill.  Jae calls me and tells me that number 2563 was the best ice cream and I should totally go get some right now. 

I'm gathering my things to leave when I notice the kid from Wendy's is laying next to me, looking like he's going to sleep.  He couldn't have been more than 8.  I ask 'hey kid, is this where you're sleeping?'  He nods and pulls his legs closer to his body in attempt to stay warm 

I did through my cavernous purse and find a sweater and some gloves for the kid, who looks grateful for any kind of attention. 

I've just started to feel guilty about how good I have it when I wake up.

There aren't that many homeless people in Colorado Springs, at least in the places I venture.  But I've taken to stopping (not all the time, but more than not) to give what I can.

When Gregory and I were leaving for Monte Vista, there was a man on the corner with a sign that said 'very hungry' so I ran into Wal-Greens and got some lunchables type food, a few bottles of water, and a little bit of money.

I always think 'it could be me.'

Even as new memories are created, I will never forget the old ones.

Biking in an open field of dirt, climbing the piles and looking around.

Parties with music and movies.

Sleepovers with board games and midnight snacks.

Playing video games, staying for supper.

The friends I used to have. The good times of the past.

Everything ends.

And even now, as I make more good memories with new friends, I know high school is almost over.

And we will be seperated.

I know it happens to most of us, and this isn't very original for someone reading, but I write for me.

I knew it was coming, and people say high school is the best 3 years of yer life. I can't say that, considering it's been pretty morbid, but I made it.

People change so much... They change and/or leave before I can even blink, it seems.

Often times I miss who they used to be, or how things were before everything changed, but I know it will never be that way again. It's sad. Like grieving the death of a loved one, it is sad and permanent. The past is permanent. What's happened has happened. It will always have happened and can't be undone.

I cried for a bit yesterday about my cousin. Every now and then I'm reminded of him, and I realised again that he really is gone for good. We had good memories, having known him all my life, and most of his.

The death of a friendship, the death of the memories, the death of high school, the death of a friend.

Death is forever. Gone is gone.

It took me a while to figure out why I'm having such a difficult time laying down and closing my eyes.  Suddenly it occurred to me that July 7th had arrived and it just crept in out of nowhere.  Four years ago, I married a man that I thought I could settle for and in a way I felt I owed him for allowing me to stay with him rather than being stuck in a tiny two bedroom house with ten or more people in it.  I think I felt I could help him learn to live rather than wait to die.  Living with an enlarged heart and congestive heart failure cannot possibly be easy, but life wasn't over yet.  If time is short, then one must make the most of it.  Apparently, my trial was a failure from the moment I said "I do."  I cannot say that I loved him the way a wife should love her husband, but I loved him as a any friend would love a friend.  I wanted to be there for him and help him find sunshine before his last day arrived.  I tried and failed.  Maybe I didn't try hard enough.  If I tried more, maybe his personality wouldn't have changed so completely after we married. 

So, I'm struggling with this because this is the first year I can't make a choice to pick up the phone and say "I'm sorry for leaving you.  Can we try to be friends?"  I can't fix it.  I don't have any chance to mend our relationship to where we could at least have a friendship.  He's been gone since November.  Sometimes I have nightmares about him coming back and succeeding in strangling me.  Or the knife he threw at me found a home in my neck.  And the only thing I feel in those dreams is that I deserve the treatment.  For some god awful reason, I deserve every single bad thing that ever happens to me.  I know it's not true.

And then I begin to wonder if Josh is even making the right decision in wanting to marry me.  Of course we won't be getting married until next Spring due to some financial issues.  Which, of course, is ultimately my fault because I can't seem to keep a job. 

I swear to the gods, I'm going to hyperventilate and just kill over one of these days.  I want to turn my brain off, but once it gets going it just won't stop.  It goes from one thing, to another, to another... Just an endless list of failures and moments where I lack the effort to do things right. 

I even tell Josh some of my thoughts.  In a way, I'm glad that I'm able to tell him.  Other times I scare the crap out of him.  For two weeks solid, all I wanted to do was vanish off the face of the Earth.  Just go where nobody could find me and where nobody knew me.  I wouldn't contact my past at all, just live a life of loneliness, just like I deserve and not look back.  Yes, that included Josh, simply because I don't want to fail anymore.  I even went as far as telling him that I absolutely refused to marry him.  I don't want to hurt anybody, yet all I do is hurt someone.  Always!  I hurt somebody when I came into the relationship I'm in right now.  It was wrong.  Even after all this time, I still feel the guilt.  It's like lead in my soul, just weighing me down...  So much guilt for everything I've done in my life.  And I just know that I'm going to keep failing.

Everything's going to work out somehow.  Somehow... it just has to... I'm tired of running, of hiding, of crying and failing.