Passion @ MindSay

I don't think I've ever been in love. I'm not even sure what love is supposed to be. Maybe I have been, and I didn't even know it. Maybe my idea of what love is is so fabricated that it doesn't really exist? I'm not cynical, just something I've been contemplating for a long time. I probably started considering what I thought was love since i was twelve years old or so. They say that love is compromise? I understand and believe that to a certain extent, but when do you draw the line? On compromising who you are, what you believe in, the way you act where is compromise actually just reforming yourself to keep someone else happy and not worrying about your own well being, and who am I to ask someone to give up these things to make ME happy? It's just very confusing. Maybe there comes a time when you meet someone that you (love?) so much that you stop caring about yourself and your needs because you need them more than you need yourself? I'm not that dependant.

I agree also that compromise shouldn't feel like a burden, but even in the best relationships I've seen it always seems like one person has to give up more than the other. How can love be permanent? Or perhaps it isn't and never was intended to be? Even if compromise works in the beginning, people are dynamic and constantly changing, are we supposed to one day just become static and cling to our ways? I could not and would never want to do that. Again, I'm not cynical or bitter toward the idea of love, I simply don't understand how it is supposed to work.

It just seems like everything else in our media filled world, from the outside it appears as a portion of something bigger, but when you step away from it, its like a puzzle where the pieces don't actually fit together. The more you step away, the more you realize that its not a picture but a refracted, broken mirror, like city lights, reflected from water. I could totally see myself alone and happy for the rest of my life. But am I supposed to think this way? Aren't we as humans supposed to desire human companionship? Maybe life isn't the broken mirror, maybe I am. It's a lot to think about.

When I'm outside, I feel relaxed and calm, the million thoughts an hour seem to leave my mind and I can just relax. But the moment I go back inside, go to work, go to the store It all comes flooding back, as if the walls and ceilings serve as a pressure system to force it all back into my head, It seems a bit overbearing sometimes, like I just want to tell my brain to shut up and let me be alone.

I just want to be outside. I want to be away from the ghosts of past lovers, past friends, the past me. Away from responsibility of my own actions, and the consequences of others around me.

So my friend Tawny is a bit of a drama queen.  Not over the top, dysfunctional.  Just enough to make her fun.   She’s a romantic at heart and thrives on a little drama in her life.  Fortunately or unfortunately she’s married to a man who could care less.  Tim has no ego.  Hard to believe for a man.  He has very little demands in terms of a relationship.  He’s into peace in the home, a little loving every now and then and someone to hang out with.    He’s a good man.  Those are his needs.  He doesn’t ever check up on Tawny.   He doesn’t question Tawny.  He accepts Tawny for who she is.  Period. 

Tawny may be in love with another man.  We’re not sure.  Tawny has a “love of her life”.  It’s not Tim.  Tawny is the type of woman who has a “love of her life”.  Tawny has been pining for the love of her life for 20 years.  She’s been married to Tim for the same.  Jax is not the kind of man that Tawny thinks she needs.  He’s single.  He’s never had children.  He’s expressed his interest in Tawny over the years.  They’ve kept in touch.  Sometimes innocently, sometimes not so innocently.   Tawny has moved on in her life from the time she and Jax were together.  In an attempt to not sound cliché, he’s the small town boy; she’s the big city girl.   They live very different lives.  Lives that Tawny purposely fled.  She doesn’t want that small town life.  She needs more.  She truly appreciates and is grateful for the stability of Tim.  As mentioned, Tim is a good man.  A good father.  A decent provider.  He’s fun.  He’s kind.  He gives her everything she thinks she needs.  But she wonders if he gives her everything she thought she needed.   Does she need passion?  Does she need the drama that Jax provides?  How important is drama and passion in a relationship anyway?  Of course it depends on the individual but if you are a person who needs it, is that need something to overcome or something to indulge?  Is it more mature to deny it or more mature to embrace it?  I’m not sure. 

Does everyone have “one true love”?  Do you stick it out for practicality or do you go for it?  Tawny thinks she could never leave Tim for Jax.  Should she?  I don’t know.  She wouldn’t leave Tim because of practical concerns.  Jax can’t provide as well as Tim.  She couldn’t live in the town he lives in, so where would they live?  Tim and Tawny do have a child together. She couldn’t take her from Tim.  So it’s a moot point.  She does love Tim.  But just not in that “the one” way.   It’s a moot point.  Right?   Our friend Michelle thinks it’s a moot point.  She claims vehemently that it would be selfish to leave.  She would never leave her husband for another man no matter what the circumstances because that would be “selfish”.  She came from a divorced home; she could never do that to her children.  Or her husband.  I argue that it’s the epitome of selfishness to not leave.  Or maybe to not bring the matter up for discussion.  By not offering full disclosure are you not taking away the ability of your partner to perhaps find “their one”?  Taking away their chance at being loved and cherished in a way that you can’t provide?  Because you have determined that keeping it hidden is the “right thing to do”.   You have made the choice and therefore taken away a choice.   Would you want to know if you weren't the one? 

Perhaps it’s simply cruelty and immaturity.  I mean really.  When we’re supposedly “grown ups”, what is the “grown up” way to behave?  Do we come to terms with choices and decisions we have made and live the best life we can under the assumptions and conditions of said choices?  Is Tawny simply being childish?  Get real here.  That was many years ago.  Tawny is an admitted drama queen.  Maybe she simply needs some drama.  Maybe the idea of “the one” being out there and unattainable is enough for her.  Enough to keep her going in her marriage.  Is that the goal?   To make the best of what we’ve got?  Turn lemons into lemonade?  Be happy with what you have?  I can’t think of any more clichés.  Or is the goal to “live your authentic life”.  I’ve never really known exactly what living “authentically” really means.  I don’t think I’m deep enough.  Does Tawny embrace who she is, what she needs and go with it?  Do we follow our one true voice in this one and only life we have?   What hurts more, to be dumped or to live a lie?  And what is the lie?  Hmmm. 

Okay, so - think about this: You're all grown up and an elder relative tells you that as a tiny baby, you always did something. Now, learned behavior is one thing - but what about primal instict, and natural selection of the subconscious? Ah, sounds deep and theoretical, no? It's not, don't worry. Check this out, it just might be fun.

 

Alright - let's talk SEX. Oooh, big bad word. It's the 3 letter equivalent in this world to all other fathomable 4 letter words. Now, from a guy's perspective:

You have 4 women's photos in front of you, and you have to pick just one with which to have a real dating relationship with based on attractiveness, sense of personality, and possible marital worth. These five gals are:

 

1. A gorgeous girl, but seems to be pissed. She's in a stiff black suit, squared heels, hair in a tight bun. Her glasses are perched high atop her nose, and she has the air of a wealthy elitist. She holds her pose with hands clasped in front of her near the level of her hips, and she's upright, head straight ahead. She does not look away, nor downward.

 

2. Another gal, average figure, naturally pretty face. She's in nothing but a pair of men's boxers, a big t-shirt, and a pair of fold-down socks. She's flopped on the floor, reading a book. Her smile and expression are playful, honest, and youthful. Her hair's pulled into a ponytail, with a few whisps left about her face. Pillows thrown about her, she's half-laying propped on one arm while otherwise laying belly-down.

 

3. Our next femme is in a tight red dress reminiscent of lingerie. Tall stilletto heels, garterbelts and fishnet hosiery. She's wearing dark but moderate makeup, hair is long and down. She has an aggressive facial tone, with eyes that say bedroom and fight in one go. Her pose is forced and unnatural, her figure enhanced, but near Barbie-eque perfection. She's very tanned, manicured and waxed - constantly on check for any flaws.

 

4. This girl is a bit over her thinnest weight, but not heavy. She's athletic of build, shorter hair in a fun, almost flirty/bohemian style. She has as much as possible in a haphazard attempt at an updo in a hairclip, bright, loving eyes. She wears a pair of athletic pants and a sports bra with a nicer shirt over it. She seems to want to talk, and she's leaned against a parkbench talking to a child. No makeup, and has a homemade muffin by her purse for lunch.

 

5. She's average height and weight and she's wearing a light cotton summer dress to her knees.Her makeup is light and complimentary.. Her hair is down, soft and wavy. She smiles sweetly and her eyes sparkle with innocence.

 

Okay - got the images in your head? Great! Now, let's see what happens.

Guy likes # 1 because : She's very snobbish, seems to be mentally an elitist, and probably very dominating and brusque in attitude. Too tightly wound, it's a conquest to over-rule her and see her "relax" a little. Besides, she's got a career of her own, so no money fears with her. She seems to hold her own, and very educated.

 

Guy likes #2 because: She's relaxed, youthful, honest, open, and mischevious. Very girl next door, almost innocent, a childlike purity and naivety seem to be her gift as well. She's not high maintenence, and would probably be adventurous and experimental, and more likely to be humorous and casual.

 

Guy likes #3 because: She's a trophy. She's perfection, a living doll to show off and stare at. She goes out of her way to look just right, and is very meticulous about her image. Probably a great jawdropper at parties, and someone who with in public, would turn all heads with respect and envy.

 

Guy likes #4 because: She's got a blend of mothering instincts, outdoorsy, tomboy, homemaker, honesty, commitment, and an air of dedication to her. She's not a femme fatale, but she's got beautiful, sparkling, smiling eyes, a sense of humor and imagination. Not a great trophy to show, but perfect to introduce to anyone and have them fall for her heart and smile.

 

Guy likes #5 because: She's a safe bet. She's respectful, kind, and is the ultimate good girl. She may not be sexy, exciting, adventurous, sponateous or boldly free, but she's a traditional gal, the work of many years bringing up the perfect Christian wife, and marraige ready.

 

 

SO what does this show?

 

It's a primal instict that shows where we're led to subconciously.

 

Maybe Guy has dated young "princess" types and yet, is always eyeing the librarian.

Maybe he's been having sex with the Barbie-esque gal, but only feels truly alive when he sees our 4th girl jog by, stopping to pick up a softball and toss it back out before falling squarely on her butt with a soft laugh.

 

We are attracted to what we mentally want. I think this is why, just artistically, from what I noticed:

 

Dark, serious shades, hard lines, bold = nature's mountains, hard-wood trees, rocks, and shadows - unwavering and solid. (#1)

 

Pastel shades, sparkling, fluttery, and soft = delicate flowers, soft scents, breezes, butterflies and sand - softly yeilding, pure, fragile, memorable. (#2)

 

Colorful shades, seductive and eyecatching = animal kingdom's warning of *poisonous*, therefor, a forbidden.

(#3)

 

Haphazard combinations of all of the above = nature in general, and much like birds, the colors are present but less vibrant in females, and a mottled effect occurs - mysterious mixes of breeds and origins of home, sunrise/sunset, seasons, sky, earthy, unknown. (#4)

 

White,yellow, pale = in the mating world of bugs, animals and even fish you'll find that quite a few of the females waiting to be mated with are more blandly colored, and have more white and pale shades to their feathers and wings. They aren't usually the more extravagant of species, but are consistent and hardy. (5)

 

SO what you get is the basic idea that we, just like animals, are attracted to certain things NOT because we choose to be, and not because it's a learned trait, but rather out of nature's way of ensuring diversity and lineage continuing in mankind. As long as the corporate chairwoman lusts secretly after her dad's gardener, we all know that truly, we're still all just animals at the end of the day.

 

So there's your useless sex-ed theorem for the day, lol! Tomorrow, emotions - and why some of us (or them)have more of one than another. For example we all know these two: one man is a total cynical ass, vs. the man who believes/feels everything and is so sensitive he's accused of being a girl.

 

And there's more - but you'll see, you'll start thinking," Omg, that's so-and-so! That's exactly what he's like!" And maybe - we'll quit deciding who best suits our wants and dreams by their looks one day, vs. how we feel when we see them frumpy and chucking a wayward ball back to left field, eh?

 

One can always hope...

Lilli

Seriously, what do you do with the passion and heat that glow in your heart, those embers reminiscent of things you really, truly feel?

 

I think there's 4 kinds of heat. Each kind has its' ability to damage, create, or inspire. What you do with your flame is up to you - but I will warn you, in time, all flames die. What you love or fear today may be the one thing that years from now that will lose its' luster, and cease to invoke any emotions at all.

 

Take my Mom. In the 60's she raged against the political machine, and hard and fast. Her aim was true. Sit-ins, chaining, locking arms and picket signs were everyday fare, and with more charisma and passion than any of us can seem to muster these days.

 

She had children, married, moved on to becoming a good citizen thinking the fight was won, and all that was sacrificed for would remain steadfast and sure. Nope, it was lost again - silently whittled away by greed, religion, envy, and personal agendas by those who would wish to lead us whether in our schools, towns, states or worse, nationally. Now, she's 50. She's an activist on fire. The cries that used to be in her head now escape wildly from her lips with such incredible force as she witnesses the spoils of her passion be flittered away like so many butterflies.

 

Gone is the era of make love not war, as we seek to annihilate sexuality and make it a perverse taboo subject never to pass one's thoughts, and war seems to be much better by comparison. 

Gone are the songs of substance and ire, only bubblegum princesses and hiphop mavens of little clothing remain.

Gone are the throngs of younger generations , standing on two feet unwavering, demanding the respect and rights to which they were promised, and in fact taught the government would uphold..as it was law.

 

Oh, sadly it still is - but we, the ones who will inherit this sham when the true rebels like her are gone, do we fight? Care, believe, demand or protect? AH, of course not. We are a spoiled age, one in which electronics do everything, walking is only for fitness, and words of passionate love have been reduced to "O rly? ILY2". If you did love me, would it be so worthless of your time to say it in words? To shorten it to an abbreviation akin to AL for the state of Alabama doesn't mean much to me. And so on goes the ruins of our age. Wasted youth, so shallow.

 

So what do we do? The embers are being fanned ever so slightly by the elders who created the haven we take advantage of now and we just assume it's our right. Well, guess what? We have other rights too. Everyone has guaranteed rights, *everyone*, and we...don't give a damn.

 

You'll stand in line for your coffee, so stand in line to petition and vote on bills that can harm lives and destroy families.

You'll call every person on your "five" countless times a day - so call a senator and say ,"Hey, you are a public servant, I *am* the public, and we matter. Listen to us!".

You will text, blog, sing, and dance - join a march, protest, make a **legal** scene. USE IT.

 

Have you never paid attention to those who were your age before you? That kind of passion has the magic ability to change lives, nations, and demand a better way for all of us. Don't sit there and stare! You know you have a voice, so use it. It's only so long before those wonderful people who gifted us these freedoms and privileges will move on, or pass on...what will we leave our children, or have left as a fond memory in old age?

 

DO SOMETHING, before the flickering lit sparks of hope and justice just die out like our heat and passions, and prove we were worth the hell our previous generation went through *for us.*

 

Sensory heat - Flame, burning touch, fire, hot embers.

Percieved heat - Hot peppers, spicy things, a muggy day.

Interpretive, negative - Anger, envy, violence, hatred.

Nuance heat - love, sensual, sexual, passion, "chemistry".

 

Any of these can be a gift to society, and easily so. Improve your life, the quality of it, and the attention you nurture it with. If you love deeper, admit to envy, savor the beauty of a single flame or just try a new spice, creep out of the box and see what being spontaneous and free is like - all of these things will have an effect somewhere, on someone. We're all connected, and every tiny detail of your cold existence just guarantees another will follow.

 

 Now, step out, misfit brothers and sisters, find your heat, and embrace it's warm soul. And then ask yourself - "If you were on fire, what would you do - with the power and passion to change the world?" I'm feeding my fire, and someday, I hope it takes over the world. The fire's love, strength, justice, sustainability, and action....what's yours?

 

It's no lighter fluid, but it's a start.

LilliHK

I feel the smoothness against my skin and this is where the fun starts to begin. A sences of rush crawling over my spine, will you take me one more time? Moment of passion as your bodys in sync with mine I will feel your whisper kindly gripping mine. A moan of lust that will make it this time-the best love I have ever had and constintly on my mind. Grabbing my voice and pulling it out, the quiver of your body is relaxing to find, to find a god as good as you makes me believe im in love with you.