Parenthood @ MindSay 
children
Domestic helpers should not be substitute parents
The writer, a Singaporean, teaches in an international school. She has just returned after 10 years in the United Kingdom.She has two children, aged 3 and 6.
TWO children are playing. One falls and the other shouts: “Mei Mei has fallen down!” A woman runs towards the little girl, looking worried. She pacifies the crying child. What a loving mum, I think.
But I am wrong. She is the helper. The mother is sitting on a bench, reading a magazine.
It is common to see helpers pushing buggies and carrying bags in shopping malls while their employers walk about empty-handed, executing instructions. I have seen helpers playing the role of parents, carrying and feeding babies — in the presence of the actual parents.
Over the weekend, I saw a couple with two young children and it was quite apparent that it was their petite-sized domestic helper’s responsibility to ensure that the kids were attended to as she was constantly ensuring that they had their drinks and did not get lost in the crowd. The helper, of course, was also carrying the children’s bags while the parents — empty handed — leisurely window shopped.
Where I live, I have seen helpers play with the children in the pool while the employers enjoy their weekend barbecue. When the children approach their parents with a request, the parents ask their helpers to attend to them.
But shouldn’t parents be using weekends as an opportunity to spend quality time with their children?
Whatever happened to the good old practice of including your children in family events and communicating with them?
I recently saw two girls at a swimming school, waiting to register at the school’s office. The girls looked between 10 and 12 years of age and seemed completely at ease with the helper carrying their bulky swim bags.
I overheard the clerk telling the girls: “When you get home, can you give this form to your mummy and ask her to sign it and bring it in next week?”
The girls took the form and instinctively handed it over to the helper and told her to remember to give it to their mum.
Are families becoming too dependent on helpers that they are in danger of crumbling in the latter’s absence? Will these families struggle to cope without a helper should their financial situation change?
Are some parents making a rod for their own back by allowing the younger generation to become overly reliant on domestic helpers for even the simplest of needs such as packing and carrying their own bags?
Are employers becoming confused over the role of a helper with that of a substitute mum and dad?
Or are some grown-ups losing touch with the reality of being a family and avoiding facing up to the responsibilities of being a parent?
Perhaps I am old fashioned, but as a parent I take pride in attending to all of my children’s needs whenever I am with them. My children are my responsibility alone and I make the time to take them to parties and extra curricular activities. My husband and I pride ourselves in teaching them to take responsibility for their own things and to be independent.
We also stress to our children that a helper, unlike a washing machine or a dishwasher, is a human being with feelings and should :therefore be treated with some humanity. I think, more importantly, my husband and I want our children to feel confident that a family can function without a helper, just in case they decide to migrate to a country where domestic help may not be readily available.
Of course, all parents deserve help with domestic chores and babysitting when they are at work or are having an evening out.
As a full-time professional and mother, I appreciate and understand the demands and pressures of juggling work and family. Therefore, I wholeheartedly welcome domestic assistance that would ease some pressure on the parents and allow them to spend more time with their children. I also accept that helpers sometimes have to take on a supervising role in the absence of their employers. However, it is important to avoid complacency from setting in and letting helpers take over the parental role.
The situations I cited may be isolated, but I have seen far too many to think that they are just exceptions. In fairness, I am sure there are employers who treat their helpers appropriately and with dignity.
But to all those who rely on their helper as a substitute parent, it may be a good time to take stock, as your behaviour may inevitably have a negative impact on your children’s attitude and bonding towards you.
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Something snagged my attention lately. My kids are getting older and doing things apart from me that do not always include me. I don’t mind. I honestly don’t. I really always thought that I would mind more.
People always talk about how hard it is to let your kids go. I’ve seen- and even been in- the situation where life changes and the parents suddenly panic because ‘their baby is all grown up’ and they don’t want to let go.
My life has revolved around my kids. What I do I do, I do for them. I’ve been involved in every facet of their life from day one when I stuffed them in the baby sling and carried them around in a modern day Winnie the Pooh papoose. I’ve baked every birthday cake and (until recently) made Halloween costumes. Now I homeschool them.
So the question nagged me a while back: ‘Wutcha gonna do when they’re gone?’
I thought I would probably become clingy and overbearing…but so far I don’t feel any anxiety. I’m thrilled for every thing they do, every advancement they make. Halloween is BIG in my house- it’s ‘our thang’. But when my kids decided to go trick or treating on their own with a group of friends in the neighborhood, I was as excited as they were. They were excited to go and I was so excited to see them go. They were confident and capable- and moving on without their mommy. It felt good. There was no sorrow involved. Not a twinge.
So I had to think: Am I doing this right?
Why aren’t I upset? I’m not saying I can’t wait for them to get the hell out the door but I thought I would be more attached than this, I guess. I wonder if the reason some parents might have anxiety is that they may feel guilt at the time they lost doing other things when they know they could have been a little more focused on family matters. And maybe sometimes it hits them in a ‘How did you grow up so fast?’ kind of thing that staggers them. Having invested what time I have in my kids, I really don’t feel anxiety about them moving away from me and becoming their own selves. That’s what I raised them to do. I thought that was one of the main points of parenting.
Maybe no anxiety/guilt means, after all these years of criticism, I actually DID do something right. As much as people regard your intentions to appropriately raise your children as noble, you don’t get a lot of support. I’ve heard I’m controlling, smothering, that I’m depriving my kids, spoiling my kids, that they won’t know how to function in the ‘real world’; that they’re going to hate me and run away from home by the time they are 16, that I hurt them, hate them, beat them, drug them and am, in general, just a very very scary bad monster mommy and that my need to bake birthday cakes is just a part of my plan for world domination.
But then I have to think about all the stereotypes and everything anyone ever told me about parenting anyway. I was warned about toddlerhood and the ‘the terrible twos’. But they were never really terrible. I was warned about colic, ear infections and never getting any sleep. Sorry. Guess I ‘lucked out’. Out of two kids, no colic and only one short lived ear infection. I was told the horror of ‘teenagers’. But I love who my teenage son is. He is an awesome person. (I do wish that someone had told me about 14 year old boy ARMPITS though- dear God, I went to put his laundry hamper in his room and thought I had walked into a French disco!) I was told how boys would work my nerves. They are ‘rambunctious’, like ‘gross stuff’ and play in mud and are ‘always up to something’. But my oldest bakes and likes it. (For God’s sake- don’t tell anyone.) My youngest washes his hands entirely too much for my taste. Oh- and I chased them both through the house a couple weeks ago with a tree frog. (It was a cute little froggy…)
Either people are making these terrible tales up (because they’re not around to see it) or I ‘magically’ lucked out. I don’t think so. Maybe- just maybe- as I have long suspected, (more realistically) being a parent and raising kids is yet another area we adults make way more difficult and complicated than we need to. I’m just glad I didn’t buy into that kind of expectation. I would have screwed myself out of a real good thing- and that is something to feel guilty about.
It still doesn't answer the question of what I will do once the boys are gone. But I have time to figure that out. I'll probably join a rock band or something. I don't know. Maybe start my own punk rock group. I could possibly take up a career as a reality show TV contestant. Or take on the game show circuit.
Life is just full of opportunities...
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