Paranoid @ MindSay 
excited
paranoid.
If you get 10 or less you're fearless.
People who don't have any
are liars who want people
to think they are tough stuff.
I Fear...
[x] the dark
[ ] staying single forever
[ ] being a parent
[x] giving birth
[ ] being myself in front of others
[ ] open spaces
[ ] closed spaces
[ ] heights (I'm not really afraid of heights; I'm afraid of falling down.)
[ ] black cats
[ ] dogs
[ ] birds
[ ] fish
[ ] spiders
[ ] driving or being in cars (I used to be afraid of driving, now I'm only nervous in traffic and big cities.)
[ ] flying
[ ] flowers or other plants
[ ] being touched
[x] fire
[x] deep water
[ ] the ocean
[x] failure
[ ] success
[ ] thunder/lightning
[ ] frogs/toads
[ ] my boyfriends/girlfriends/spouse's dad
[ ] my boyfriends/girlfriends/spouse's mom
[ ] mice/rats
[x]jumping from high places (lol See, I told you.)
[ ] snow
[ ] rain
[ ] wind
[ ] crossing hanging bridges
[x] death
[ ] Heaven
[x] being robbed
[ ] cotton balls
[ ] cemeteries
[ ] clowns
[x] large crowd
[ ] men
[ ] women
[x] having great responsibility
[ ] doctors, including dentists
[ ] tornadoes
[ ] hurricanes
[ ] diseases
[ ] snakes
[ ] sharks
[ ] Friday the 13th
[x] ghosts (Actually it depends on what kind of ghost we're talking about.)
[ ] Halloween
[ ] school
[x] trains or railroads
[ ] odd numbers
[ ] even numbers
[x] being alone
[ ] being blind
[ ] being deaf
[x] growing up
[ ] monsters under my bed
[x] creepy noises in the night
[x] bee stings
[ ] not accomplishing my dreams/goals
[x] needles
[ ] blood
[ ] veins
[ ] dinosaurs if they were alive
[ ] the welcome mat
[ ] sex
~G~
i just don't understand things sometimes. things just seem like they've been making me fly off the handle and i don't realise what happened until after the fact. i've seen this before on a few people...and its not pretty. i don't want to be like this! i don't want to be paranoid, scared, sad, and on the verge of crying!
its only moments like that i wish i could take back. When i wake up all i want to do is go back to sleep. never wake up. WTF is wrong with me!
Do you think it would be funny if blogger one claimed that blogger two was paranoid but then blogger one visits blogger three's blog to see if anyone is talking trash?
I think it would be hilarious!
I had a situation the other day and I have pretty much locked myself into a dark zone.
I KNOW people still talk about me behind my back and everytime I think about it my mind plays tricks on me and torments me relentlesly; almost to the point where I can get sick and dizzy. I can feel my body getting tense and I start to see darkness.
The problem is this: Everyone asks people I talk to if I'm gay. And then those people say "maybe" or "you should ask him" and then when I get confronted with the question I automatically deny it. Then I KNOW they are thinking "Oh he's just in the closet or something"....After I say no I'm not gay I have a terrible sense that they don't believe it and I pretty much feel like crawling up into the fetal position and dying. I also have the fear that people are calling me gay or a queer or fag behind my back. Just thinking about all this now is enough to make me sweat and get nervous.
This just happened a day ago, during the first few days of being back on campus. What a wonderful way to start my juniour year of college. After the conversation died rather awkwardly I said I was going outside to smoke and then just never came back, which I'm sure confirmed my awkwardness to the question and now everyone probably knows it's true or something...I cried myself to sleep that night.
I've also been doing a lot of smoking lately and taking three tylenol pms at night. I know I have an addiction to many things, but I can't break away from them. Not at this time in my life. I just want to crawl up into the fetal position and die....
so now that my excitement has worn off, i'm just really nervous. i keep thinking that maybe he'll forget me or change his mind or something like that. what if he doesn't remember that i don't drive? what if this, what if that, what if what if what if. i sent him a text asking when he's gonna come by n so far he hasn't responded, but it took him a while to respond yesterday when i sent him that other one. usually he gets them n responds to them really fast, so its making me worry about where he might be that he's not getting them right away...yeah, i'm paranoid, haha. i'm always paranoid about this boy when it comes to him n rides n all that. but yeah, this rave is supposed to be bigger than the other one i think, so i've started feeling nervous about that, too. as of right now i'm going sober. @ the last one he told me n his cousin that if we wanted n e thing he could probably get it for us, but we'd both decided not to do n e thing, too. (plus i was already stoned from those cookies, haha) but i'm gonna ask him once he responds (if he responds :/) if he's going sober to this one, too, n hopefully he will respond to that so i know whether to prepare myself or not. besides, i still have that powder that Jan gave me n if me n that boy end up rollin tonight i can ask him then if its still good, lol. the only thing is because i've never done E i would ask him if he'd be willing to help look after me n i'm not sure he'd be willing to do that. i think that if i was prepared w/ the right information i could take care of myself, but i don't know. i wonder if he remembers that i've never done E before, lol. but yeah, i think this venue is also bigger, (n one i don't know, unlike the last one, which was the first time he'd ever been to a rave there so i'd gotten extremely lucky on that), so he's probably going to be a lot harder to find, n sober or not, that's something i've been worrying about, too.
but i guess now its pretty much just the waiting game. i wanna play Sims 2 but if he comes online n i am i won't see him, n part of me wants to call him but i'm too shy. oh yeah, n i finished The Lost World last night n i'm debating whether or not to start another book and if so, which one? i might read Stephen King's Carrie cuz i've seen the movie a ton of times, but i dunno. n amazingly my parents weren't pissed to hear that i was "going out w/ friends" instead of going to dinner! they were like, "ok." my dad said, "good, now i don't have to spend money on her!" he'd better feel good, i just bought a $30 ticket myself. i know that when my parents check my bank account they'll see that, but hopefully they won't bother me about it. but yeah, i need to right up my half of the rent now n at least get it to the post office even tho the mail isn't going out until Tuesday. the date on the check will tell him when i wrote it. i've been so depressed these past couple of days i completely forgot until last night. n i'm gonna send a text to Kim reminding her to pay it, too, just incase. (n if she hasn't, i wouldn't be surprised if she asks me to send our landlord's address.) n i also think i'm gonna walk to the store n get a small box of condoms. i forgot to bring n e w/ me n i'd rather have then n not need them, (which is always the case when i bring them), than need them n not have them. i mean, when me n that damn boy used to see each other i'd always bring two condoms except for once because he only ever asked for one. n sure enough, the one time i only brought one condom, he asked for two. life is stupid like that. n as much as i'd love to get laid by some random dude, (or especially some random chick) @ a rave, i'm really not down to get pregnant or, even more likely, an STD. i guess that i'm off then, i hope y'all have a happy new year n that im being paranoid for nothing!
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