Paranoid @ MindSay

so tonight i was getting ready to go to sleep and then i hear a knock at the door. im like "wtf?" and then i get to the door and its one of my bestfriends!! (whom actually understand what im going thru..were so alike its crazy) im like "wtf" and then i was like excited lol. and then we went and got pplz and i turned into this whole kewl night of fun and laughs.. and like my roomate asks one of our friends to go get her mikes hard lemonade cuz she wanted something to drink when she gets back from dropping off her friend (who might i add is 22, so she culdve gotten her to do it) and like we were getting ready to go but then we start playing this game and we like get soo wrapped up in it and they stop selling alcohol at 2am. and like she gets back at 2 am exactly and we r like, o shit. so she like started complaining thats he wanted something and that she doesnt like beer <neither do i but if its there ill have a lil bit> and so she leaves the room all pissy... i seriously had no sympathy cuz she def had someone of age to buy it for her. i know that shit aint gonna go down when im 21. so ne way, the night is going well and we're having a blast. and so after ppl leave im layin in my room chillen and she msgs online askin if im downlaoding nething, and im like yea. then 3 mins later she knock on the door and asks info about what im downlaiding sayin it might be takin up so much bandwith that she cant watch videos online..and im like well it never did before. and then she starts bring up rent, and bills and what am i gonna do etc and im like (in my head) its like 5am are u serious?...so ne way im like well my deposit is gonna pay for oct and if i cant find work by then im gonna sublet it..and she is like "no ur not" i seriously wanted to be like "fuck off right now ok?" cuz lately she has been actin as if she is my mother and last i checked i aint pop out her womb. moving on, im like if i dont find work by mid oct, or the end of oct then im gonna sublet..and she goes on about how her friend has gotten 2 jobs already..im like these ppl ur referring to have started working since they were fucking 15, my mother never let me work. she always said "dont worry about it ill pay for it". and then im lik, im still applying..and she cuts me off and is like "i havent seen you applying"...what do u expect me to do, go to ur room and be like "hey im applying to this place now, see see see, u shuld sit and watch me do it!" fuck that shit! I sit through long ass application questionares on a reg basis just cuz u dont see it doesnt mean i dont do it...and allthis shit coming from someone who has never worked for shit. and then after she is like im not subletting my half she is like if u have to leave im screwed out of like 600 dollars.... its like she is blaming me for the bitch in ny that didnt pay her rent which in fact caused my financial situations (i feel bad for her cuz i mean i know itd hard, but damn!) she aint even have to pay for the entire thing jus like 450 out of 1200!!!!!!!! in NY!!!!!! r u fucking kidding me!! so i mean i understand u worrying, but to be a lil bitchy about it. trust me when i say i can be just as bitchy or even more. i mean if her parents knew where all that extra money was goin..hhmmmm lol i woulndt do it, but i mean i can be that spiteful. ne way, and then at the end of it all she is like, say something so i know ur not mad at me...did she really think i was gonna say how i feel. im not gonna make her cry or get upset and then she goes and tells mutual friends and i look like the bad guy..hell no.  (funny think is my friend who surprised me actually noticed my roomates recent bitchy attitude.) im so over it, and she still hasnt fucking cleaned the liter box, but she has time to go out all the time and drink, among other things (hint hint) so please, someone tellme if im crzy or not, cuz this seriously needs to stop....i dont wanna go back to NY and im tryin my hardest to find something, but all the stores wont call till early oct, whoch thanfully is pretty much right here. lets hope i start working soon....which will be amaing cuz after work i can hang with work friends and we can all chillin my room and introduce them to my lil circle and itll be awesome. cuz before i was always around mutual friends..like all of em were my roomates friends. soon ill have my own new circle. like i have friend that are kinda more mine than hers lol, but to venture out and meet brand new ppl would be an experience id love to have. <although it is a lil spiteful lmao> but im not doing it for that, i promise. i just want something new. ne way, thats the latest in roomate ishes. <issues> am i crazy and looking to much into it, or is she being a lil bitchtastic? comments and/ or advice are accepted, i like to hear different points of views..other ppl see things that i probly cant. :P

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Dixie currently feels:

 Depressed

 

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Blog #49

Down & Out

 

 

Following the continued paranoia and sadness coming from Saturday night - I wouldn't say I was looking forward to seeing Ash today.

Still, I tried to forget about my arms, I hugged her with them, had them by my sides as we talked before B block.

 

The class is getting smaller and smaller for some reason.

Today there was only four of us in the lesson. There was proper no point.

 

Either way, it was yet another discussion lesson.

I'm so sick of language and gender. It's getting to be incredibly tedious.

 

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I got to spend an extra hour with Ash today - her tutorial lesson was cancelled.

So the three of us sat in our usual table spot, engaging in our typical bantering lark.

 

We went into town shortly after - I got another epic sandwich and the arrangements of confectionary and savoury snacks from Home Bargains - today, not being any dramatic dropping of the Snickers.

 

Anyway - we went to our usual spot on the green benches - all seemed well, up until we were just about to leave and return to college.

Appearing from the Cleveland Centre came one of my old bullies - and one of Shelly's old shag parnters.

I bared my teeth, took Ash by her handles and walked away - knowing full well she's yet another person who I've done ABSOLUTLEY FUCK ALL to, and they want to beat me up.

 

I understand when IN THE VERY VERY FUCKING RARE CIRCUMSTANCES I actually HAVE done something to them - but for fuck's sake. I've not done a thing to her.

All she does is talk shit about me to Shelly.

And I know for a fact I'm not as valued in her eyes as she is.

Shelly disagrees. It seems to upset her.

 

At the time, we were also with Michelle from Photography. She's quite nice - she cares a lot.

She could see I was on the brink of crying - she tried to comfort me as we walked back into college - away from the ginger chav.

 

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I didn't want to be touched for the rest of the day.

Shelly hadn't fucking helped matters by CONTINUALLY fucking talking about the ginger slag for about 45 minutes afterwards.

 

It makes me so happy inside when Ashleigh agrees with me on things. She's really starting to back up my points sometimes too. I'm only starting to notice we think alike in many ways...

 

So in Photography I just got on with making my contact sheets, ready to be printed and stuck into my sketchbook.

With the burst of trust I got from Ash - I, slightly stupidly, told her about my left arm.

She didn't want to see it, but I told her what was on it.

 

I shouldn't tell her. It makes her sad.

I don't like seeing Ash sad. I don't like making her sad.

It makes me feel worse and thus, makes me want to hurt myself again.

 

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When I came home, I finished off Wind Waker. :)

 

The ending is strange. On the second quest you play, you play in different clothes - and all the cutscenes, Link wears these different clothes.

You defeat the final boss, and RANDOMLY - he's in the other outfit.

It's really odd. They altered ALL the others - why not the ending?

 

I do believe I've completed it faster on my 2nd quest than on my 1st.

I've done exactly the same amount of sidequests though - so it's fair.

 

Then I decided I'd have another stab at Ocarina Of Time.

Now knowing it's Ash's favourite game, I feel proper strange playing it sometimes.

She's completed it - but she didn't go for all the sidequests, like the obsessive cunt - i.e. me - is.

 

I spent a few hours finishing off old sidequests, making preparations for the Fire Temple - which I shall be attempting tomorrow...

 

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Mam shouted me downstairs at about 9.

I watched the Heston Blumenthal Victorian Feast.

It was all based around events from Alice In Wonderland - and that's one of my favourite books, and one of my favourite films. It's just fucking awesome - and some of the mental shit he cooked on the programme was mint too. :)

 

Then I ate a sausage and cheese sandwich - which dad made me.

Mam asked me why I wasn't eating.

 

I AM eating - I'm just not really eating on a nighttime anymore. I'm barely ever hungry, and if I am, it's only during the day...

 

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Annnnnnd... In other news...

The college is holding a GUITAR HERO TOURNAMENT on Monday.

 

It be for charity - one pays £1, and one can play.

It's running all day. The three of us have decided to go and enter. We're trying to persuade Kayley and Lewis to come along too. Adam said he'll come too - I'd like to play with him - it's more fun playing against someone who can actually DO Expert. :)

 

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Shelly sent me those photographs from the day we played in the snow the other night.

It's taken a while, but I finally have them.

 

As I suspected, I look PROPER shit on them.

As per usual, Ash and Shelly look fine.

It's not fair...

 

Ash looks so cute with the giant snowball. :)

(Why yes, it may very well have ended up smashed on her head... But Dixie doesn't know anything about that!)

 

 

 

 

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Dixie currently feels:

 Neutral

 

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Blog #50

I LIVE IN AN ASH.

 

ARGH. IT BE BLOG #50.

 

 

It was so fucking cold today.

I got sick of my bastard jeans falling down when I'm walking around town - so now I'm wearing a trusty belt.

Heh heh, on the FOURTH notch. I feel so thin. :P

 

When I wore a belt before, it was only on the first notch. Or is this a bigger belt?

I be not knowing, I be not caring - I'm just glad I can fucking walk without my waistband ending up level with my arsehole.

 

I had a session with Dianne this morning.

Asides from the fire alarm being tested halfway through - all went well, I suppose.

It's fucking weird, I ALWAYS have something to talk about.

This time we were talking about ginger cuntface in town yesterday, me admitting to Ash that I'm in love with her - and the random creative burst I got last night at about 1AM.

 

The fire alarm sounds piss in college.

It goes off - then it'll stop, but it'll be going off somewhere else at the same time - so it sounds like it echoes.

Proper bodged sometimes. It makes me laugh, but then - I am easily amused.

 

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During my little break time, I went at sat at the round tables and started colouring in the background of a new piece of artwork I got the idea for last night.

The last time I drew something was right at the start of December - so that's like 3 months without producing any artwork.

 

I don't know why I suddenly got the urge to draw again - but I do quite like the way it came out.

I showed it to Ash later in the day - expected critique, but didn't get any.

I didn't really want to show her it, seeing as how it's a drawing of us both - but she thinks it's cute - rather than obsessive and freaky.

 

This be it:

 

 

(I hate having to reduce everything to STUPID sizes to make it fit on my anorexic blog.)

(I'll upload it to DeviantArt, so that'll be the full sized version.)

 

The Japanese writing at the top translates to "I want to cling onto you."

 

Asides from the arms looking a little too long - there's actually no major mistakes.

That's a first...

 

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Mam met us in town - she found some shoes for me.

But apparently, two hours earlier, she was told they were available in my size.

But then I got there - she was told otherwise.

She wasn't happy.

I'm not happy either - I'm never going to get a pair of fucking Vans.

 

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Sitting on the bench in the middle of town - Ash was facing away from us.

It seemed her mam, dad and brother Denham were in town too.

I only saw them approaching at the last second - her mam put a finger to her lips.

 

I smiled - watching as they all grabbed Ash by the shoulders, shaking her.

HER FACE WAS FUCKING PISS.

She proper jumped a foot in the air, her eyes proper widened and she just looked so startled.

After we were all pissing ourselves at her reaction, she was embarrassed. Bless her. :)

 

Shelly and I were pissing ourselves over it for the next 10 minutes. :)

 

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Shelly really does know how to embarrass me.

She also knows the most innapropriate thing to say at any one time.

It's a weird talent, I'll admit. :)

 

I was eating my chicken mayo and cress sandwich - and it was proper overflowing with filling.

I obviously had mayonnaise all around my mouth - Shelly smiles at me and says:

 

"LOL. IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE JUST CAME OUT OF A PORNO SHOOT."

 

I was just like: "...Thanks." *Wipes mouth* *Blushes*

 

Lmfao, Ash was just as un-amused as I was though. :D

 

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I completed some of my old worksheets in Photography.

Paul says I have to have 8 pages done in my sketchbook by Friday.

He says if I work in my massive break tomorrow, I'll get it done.

 

But for some reason, he said FORTY MINUTES A PAGE.

 

I was like ERRRRR WHAT.

It proper doesn't take that long to do a page. Half it, at most!

 

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I did plan to do a little when I came home... But...

 

...But...

BUT THE FATE OF HYRULE DEPENDS ON MEEEEEEEEE.

 

I fucking love Zelda, lmfao.

I'm in a proper Zelda fit at the moment.

 

I played Ocarina of Time from 5 until 11.

I also ate some Cheerios and drank about 10 gallons of tea.

 

...WHY THE HELL AM I ADDICTED TO TEA?!

I drank shitloads yesterday as well... This is so fucking weird.

Everything is strange lately.

 

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Even Ash surprised me today.

I really have to talk to her with a different mindset.

She's not easily offended, she's not easily repelled, she's not close-minded...

She seems to agree with more mental shit than I'd imagine.

 

When Ash and Shelly may be staying with me at nana's bungalow when they're away at the end of the month - there's two double beds, you see.

I asked Ash if she'd want to share with me - one of us sleeping at each end.

 

I PROPER expected an instant rejection followed by a back-away - BUT SHE DIDN'T EVEN BLINK.

She even nodded and said: "Yeah, why not?"

 

...Arrgh!

Is Ash changing, or am I TOO paranoid?

 

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Shelly nearly killed me on the phone, pmsl.

It's amazing how a simple slip of the tongue can cause mass hilarity.

 

The sentence she said was meant to be: "Would you have let me come to your house before Ash?"

But it ended up as: "Would you let me come to your ASH BEFORE HOUSE."

 

And we just were in fits for about 20 minutes.

 

Cue Dixie blurting things like:

"OI HOUSE, D'YA WANNA COME TO MY ASH?!"

 

I'm wondering if we can look at Ash the same way without accidentally calling her HOUSE. :)

 

OMG, EASILY FUCKING AMUSED. :D

If you get more than 30 you're
paranoid.

If you get 10 or less you're fearless.

People who don't have any
are liars who want people
to think they are tough stuff.

I Fear...

[x] the dark
[ ] staying single forever
[ ] being a parent
[x] giving birth
[ ] being myself in front of others
[ ] open spaces
[ ] closed spaces
[ ] heights (I'm not really afraid of heights; I'm afraid of falling down.)
[ ] black cats
[ ] dogs
[ ] birds
[ ] fish
[ ] spiders
[ ] driving or being in cars (I used to be afraid of driving, now I'm only nervous in traffic and big cities.)
[ ] flying
[ ] flowers or other plants
[ ] being touched
[x] fire
[x] deep water
[ ] the ocean
[x] failure
[ ] success
[ ] thunder/lightning
[ ] frogs/toads
[ ] my boyfriends/girlfriends/spouse's dad
[ ] my boyfriends/girlfriends/spouse's mom
[ ] mice/rats
[x]jumping from high places (lol  See, I told you.)
[ ] snow
[ ] rain
[ ] wind
[ ] crossing hanging bridges
[x] death
[ ] Heaven
[x] being robbed
[ ] cotton balls
[ ] cemeteries
[ ] clowns
[x] large crowd
[ ] men
[ ] women
[x] having great responsibility
[ ] doctors, including dentists
[ ] tornadoes
[ ] hurricanes
[ ] diseases
[ ] snakes
[ ] sharks
[ ] Friday the 13th
[x] ghosts (Actually it depends on what kind of ghost we're talking about.)
[ ] Halloween
[ ] school
[x] trains or railroads
[ ] odd numbers
[ ] even numbers
[x] being alone
[ ] being blind
[ ] being deaf
[x] growing up
[ ] monsters under my bed
[x] creepy noises in the night
[x] bee stings
[ ] not accomplishing my dreams/goals
[x] needles
[ ] blood
[ ] veins
[ ] dinosaurs if they were alive
[ ] the welcome mat
[ ] sex

~G~

i don't get it! i've been really paranoid about something and i don't know what it is...i've also been on edge for the past 2 days and i'm about to cry because i just totally blew mike off! he was being really cute and sweet and i just kinda yelled at him and i feel soo bad. i want to cry now bc i jsut turned into a bitch in like 2.5 seconds and i'm scared of it. is it PMS? bitchiness i can see is PMS...but paranoid? wtf is that caused by? i don't get it..

i just don't understand things sometimes. things just seem like they've been making me fly off the handle and i don't realise what happened until after the fact. i've seen this before on a few people...and its not pretty. i don't want to be like this! i don't want to be paranoid, scared, sad, and on the verge of crying!

its only moments like that i wish i could take back. When i wake up all i want to do is go back to sleep. never wake up. WTF is wrong with me!