Panic @ MindSay 
anxiety
Oh me, Oh my oh.........
I pace the room trying to figure out where I am suppose to be. Not in the sense of "at that exact moment"........but in life. I have made so many wrong turns. We all make wrong turns in life, it's to be expected, I know this. But I just feel like I am stuck in a Continuous U Turn. The ever lasting circle.
I went to both my therapist and psychiatrist last week. I had hopes of hearing more positive feedback. Instead, I have new medications added to my current medications. My therapist is quite concerned that I rarely sleep and when I do, I have nightmares. The same ones, over and over. I suffer from post traumatic stress disorder along with many other mental illnesses.
I just want to be somewhat normal again. Why can't I just forget what happened? Why can't I get that bloody warscene out of my head? When you are in the care of a hospital, you should be cared for. You shouldn't have to scream for help and threaten to call 911 because you beloved parent is lying in a bed screaming for help as well.......surrounded by blood. Blood everywhere. I would not wish such an experience on my worse enemy. My therapist tries to explain that with time, I will be better. Not that I will accept what happened, but be able to move on. It's been a year. I sleep one or two nights a week for a few hours.........if I am lucky.
I look back at who I was 2 years ago and smile. I look back at the health of my loved ones and had positive hope. I look in the mirror now and say "who in the hell are you? where did you go?" I understand I may not be the person I once was, but I try so hard to atleast get to a place in my life where I might feel comfortable.
I try to fight the memory. But that night changed me. I fell to the floor and had a massive mental breakdown as they saved her. I work 3 jobs just to stay busy enough to keep my mind on other things. But here I am, midnight..........I took my sleeping medication 4 hours ago..........
I live in Texarkana. Well today at work we had to fill out all
of this stuff that asked when we get evacuated where we are going
to go. Well the last time that I checked Texarkana is not Evacuating.
So that kind of shook me up, and the weather is already pretty
bad, so you never know.
Out of all the gas stations in Texarkana, there are only like 2 or
3 that still have gas, and they jacked up the price to like 4.25
I am not even playing, so I guess that people are getting prepared,
which is always a good thing. I am working at the customer service
booth in the mall, and we have a lot of people that are here from like
San Antonio and Port Aurthor and Lake Charles, so if we do get evacutaed,
(which is like a 1 in a million chance) we will already have people that
will have to evacuate again.
I think that I am going to just buy a plane ticket to Massachusetts if
it comes to that. I knowI could always still leave from Little Rock which
is like 2 hours away.
Even thought I know that evacuating Texarkana is not going to happen
it still gets you thinking and shook up.
So everyone that is having to evacuate please be carefull, and I will let you
all know if I end up leaving.
-for my shrink-
Today has been a good day, I am just kind of stressed out about all of
the talk of evacuating.
Maybe that is the question? Millions of Americans taking medications everyday! From antibiotics, allergy meds, antidepressants, antipsychotic dugs, OTC drugs.....you name it.
Ironically enough, I was against medication for years. Except my multi-vitamin. Then I started having panic attacks. So my doctor gave me a script for Xanax. I only took them when I had a panic attack. That was over 10 years ago. I haven't taken an antibiotic in over 6 years. The last time I did, I was VERY Ill. So I ask myself, how is it now I take all this medication everyday when I even refuse a simple antibiotic???
First, I think SSRI's and all antidepressants are overprescribed. I think people are getting lazy and just don't want to deal with life. When I got to that point, I went to a therapist for "spiritual guidance." After 6 months of therapy, he formally diagnosed me with ADHD and OCD. No big news flash as I was diagnosed as a little girl with ADD. He sent me on to the Psychiatrist. The man with the ink pen and pad. My first script, Ritalin. Ironically enough, I could not stay awake on Ritalin. I slept non stop. I daydreamed of naps. One month later, he switched me to Adderall. Watch out, I am getting shit done and you better step aside. 
For once i my life, I felt accomplished. I had completed more tasks in one week on this medication than I had in 28 years. So why I am complaining? Well, theres more. There is always more to every story. With the Adderall, I had a terrible time with what they refer to as a "rebound." Coming off the Adderall. I was irritable, panicky and couldn't sleep. So he added on a sleeping pill. Which did not work, so he switched the sleeping pill over and over. Then added another benzo and sleeping pill. Which worked...for a while. I went from being a mess, to being so productive and accomplished to a somewhat different person who could get things done, but rarely slept or even socialized anymore. I was a social butterfly. But I couldn't exactly have a few drinks then go home and take my sleeping meds.
So there is the beginning........I have no clue where this will lead. But my mind is in overdrive and this is my place to unload my thoughts and my issues. And let me tell ya......... I've got issues.
because, again,
i do not feel like capitalizing anything.
and, again, i am suicidal.
and thirsty
and hungry.
and i have very little to write about
i suppose i could tell you all about my dream.
basically
i was dating
JON WALKER
of Panic At The Disco
and then
he thought i was cheating on him
with RYAN ROSS
of Panic At The Disco
but i wasn't
but i got mad at him
so i said
"jon, it's over!"
and then we both cried
for, like, three days straight
and then we talked
and then we got back together
and then
I WOKE UP.
isn't that wonderful?
i would just like to inform you
that i
samantha
am one-hundered percent
obsessed with
Panic At The Disco.
and don't try to say
"u dnt liek panic! cuz theyy hav a ! in there naymee!!!!!1111"
well, guess what, idiot?
they took it out.
almost two months ago.
so, yeah.
this blog
has been virtually pointless
therefore i am contemplating posting it.
and now
i have just realized
that i
samantha
have a project to do.
and it is due
tomorrow.
and i have not
even
started.
and
i am still
very
very
very
VERY
hungry.
so i think i
will go downstairs now
even though
my father will yell at me
for something
i did not do
and get something
to eat.
and to anybody
who's actually reading this:
listen to the song "fall for you"
by secondhand serenade.
it's pretty lovely.
and it makes me cry
whenever i hear it.
so
with that piece of information
i leave you, now
so
goodbye.
But buying the illusion that our own, smaller, personal world is secure is not enough. Our fear is much greater than that. So we have become nations and claimed ownership of the earth and its resources and committed atrocities against each other and all of earth's inhabitants and claimed Paypal the constitutional right to do so in the name of maintaining national security. This of course grants us the right to war against other nations in hope of accessing even more resources. The result is an insatiable gluttony that looks like a world in crisis. And of course this is making us even more afraid. There are many places on line that you can go to to listen to those being pranked. There are websites that offer services where you can access prank calls for free. Sometimes it is a bad thing and encourages people to participate in such activities. Especially since the rise of the internet, it is very easy to get a portable phone number, or make a call through the Internet making them totally anonymous. It makes it very difficult to track the person down if they are using such services. There are services that exist that spoof the number of people making the receiver of the call think they are getting a call from someone who really is not making the call. Spoofing your phone number, like anything else, can be a good thing or a bad thing. If you are in a domestic violence situation ad you don't want anyone to know your whereabouts, then hiding your number can be a good idea. But if you are using it to harass people, buy wow gold of course its bad.It is very important that children experience all aspects of travel and personally realize how much fun and excitement it brings. Children who travel quite frequently as opposed to children who do not, grow into happy, independent, cheap aoc gold well-adjusted adults who continue to travel. Both generally grow up to either repeat their love, excitement and independence of travel or their aloof and indifferent feelings onto their own future children. There are many situations and occurrences in life that can test the strength of a family unit, including environmental factors, physical factors, the cheapest wow gold mental factors, biological factors and social factors. It could be one of these factors, or a combination of two or more, that affects either one or two individuals within the family unit or the entire family unit as a whole; whatever it is that impacts the family, it can have a huge impact on the families overall mental health. Each individual will react to a high level of stress in their own way, but how they handle the stress can have the cheapest aoc gold and a direct impact on the other members of their family. In all reality, it's probably not you that needs to change, it's THEM. No matter how hard you try, they are the only ones that can change themselves. Don't offer advice when not asked of you and accept the facts that they will either change or not.
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