Pain @ MindSay

 

 

Do you ever feel like you let memories push themselves back into your head because you WANT to make yourself sad?  Like rubbing salt into wounds?

 

It's taken me this long to realise I've been torturing myself by letting them in - sure it makes me smile to remember the good times but then the fact that I can never have those good times back...or have any new good memories to add to the memory of him hits me like a big orange bus....

 

And why can't I convince myself that anyone could be as crazy and fun as he was??

 

I'm beginning to think I like to cause myself pain....maybe the tears are a good release...

Dixie currently feels:

 Neutral

 

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Ah, it's been a long time.

Blog, I have neglected you so.

 

 

So, the last time I blogged was exactly a week ago.

So what eventful has happened this past week?

 

- Well, I've completed Parappa The Rapper. I still need to get the 'cool' ranking on level 6 before I can unlock the bonus level. - Which is hard, because the music of level 6 is really hard to follow.

 

I don't know if it's my eyes - but my font looks weird today.

It doesn't look right...

 

 

Oh well, we'll cope. It's Arial red, it's supposed to be my font, anyway.

 

 

Through the week at school, it's only been revision, because the exams are starting this Friday with the first one.

My first one is in a week's time - and then I have three weeks of exams.

 

 

One thing though, I've got out of my depressional spiral.

I'm not harming every day like I was.

I'm not crying as much.

 

I seem to be crying more and more as I get older.

Maybe that's just the stress adding to things.

 

 

And I've made up my friendships with both Stephen and Claire - we were all sat together today in the library talking - poking pencils through a pear, before we lobbed it at Carl, and it shattered all over the place.

 

- And we got shouted at for that, too.

 

 

Then I started licking my hand, because it tasted nice, and Pips was filming me really close up on her phone - and it looks really pornographic and wrong.

She's threatened to put it on YouTube - but if she does, I'll kick her teeth in. :)

 

I walked home with Pips and Miraan - and I ate some leaves off the trees.

 

I wish I hadn't though, because I've got an upset stomach now.

I've had to use the bathroom twice, so far - but the first time, the spicy salaminis I ate last night sorta repeated on me. - How it burned, and how I whined.

 

The leaves were horrible - the green ones all got stuck in my teeth, and Miraan moaned at me because I kept spitting.

I wasn't spitting AT him though!

 

 

Adam stayed over on Saturday just passed.

 

I have this little water game I won in a 2p machine in Southend, and I took the plug off the back, and I went to flick it at him, but it never came out.

So he got it off me, cornered me in the gap between my bed and the wardrobe and poured it on my face.

I was sad.

 

 

Then he kept getting me with the water pistol I stupidly filled up.

 

 

Either way - I watched him get right to the final area on Resident Evil 3 - we decided to start again, seeing as how we knew where everything was this time.

 

He's left it here, in my PS1, and I wanna play it. but I'm scared. :)

 

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Today's song lyrics:

 

Only This Moment - Royksopp

 

 Forces within me, makes reason with lust...
But I try to accept it and not think it works...
Because I know I might lose you by taking the chance...
But love without pain isn't really romance...

Only this moment... (Holds us together)...
Close to perfection... (Nothing is out there)...
Always beside us... (Trusting my senses)...
Deep down inside... (I know I will survive)...

 

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I love how the blood beads and shines. Like red food colouring. It stings better than papercuts. It feels good.

Well, hello. I'm L and I've recently joined
If I could count, I'd say I have about 157 cuts on my body
THESE CUTS WERE NOT ACCIDENTS
I am here, a poster on any blog site I can find,to tell people that they are not alone
I cut,
I have not stopped.
I am not here to make you stop, or to tell you you're a terrible person
I am here to be another person like you
Contact me at;
Neko.Baka.Senpai.Sama@gmail.com
Please.
For you.
And for me.

I did it. And again.