Paganism @ MindSay 
pagan
These last FIVE years writing this blog has been good to me. Here I have the chance to share with friends old and new about what is going on with me emotionally and creatively. I live, for the most part, a quiet life, and lately I haven't been complaining about much. However, this last Thanksgiving was a testy one for me. I feel like I've put my life on hold since I moved back to Stevens Point. Four years ago, yes, I was in a difficult position in life suffering from a broken heart and a troubled mind. Over the last four years, I have been separated from friends of a like mind, people who don't make fun of me or question my beliefs, folks who have been more like family than the one that brought me into this world. I have renewed my relationship with my brother, we're closer, but we also still give each other hell. My poor mother is still unwell, waiting for death to release her from the condition that Parkinson's has put her in, and she is still very religiously and politically conservative, making for strained emotions during the holidays. I try not to complain, try to stay positive, and think of the kids, my nephews, who would be hurt the most if I didn't make a serious effort to get along with everyone. But I also have to be true to myself and not lie about who I am to those I love.
Thanksgiving found me being teased and picked on way too much by my family. Normally I keep a tight lip, but this last holiday I had enough. When I lived in Milwaukee I worked as a psychic intuitive Tarot reader, I participated in haunting investigations, I taught Witchcraft to beginners, and I was interviewed in a documentary on Past Life Regression. Besides this, I'm also an artist. Everytime I share with my family my work, they brush it off. When they hear others compliment me, they down play things. Last time I dared bring my mother a sample of the work I've been up to, the nurses were amazed at my talent, but instead of Mom being proud of me and accepting the compliment of having a talented daughter, she just said, "she's not the really talented one in the family." WTF?
Maybe that is a bit too much for the average family to handle. It's one thing to be a Pagan, quite another to have been a Pagan public figure. It's not like I was ever on national television, but I am vocal about what I know and believe. My brother still looks at me and shakes his head and says, "I can't believe you're into all that. I just can't believe you believe what you believe." He can't get past his own preconceptions of what he thinks I believe. Thing is, he doesn't have a clue. My mother can't get past the fact I'm not a Christian, much less I'm a Witch. So what you don't understand, you disrespect. They don't want to understand, they don't make an effort to respect me, they just find me weird. Why can't I fit into the background?
I don't mind standing out. I don't mind being weird. Weird is fun. But it's the disrespect I can't tolerate.
It's the same old story over and over again that I've dealt with my whole life.
Why am I not ordinary? And why don't my own family find me interesting like other people do?
I asked my mother what she wanted for Christmas and she answered, "I want you to go to church with me." So, in an effort to please her, I first asked what kind of church she wanted me to attend with her. She asked me to attend an Evangelical Christian church. I then asked her if she would be comfortable going to a Pagan circle with me. She answered with silence. "That is why I don't go to church with you, Mom," I said, "I am uncomfortable being around Evangelical Christians and I know they would be very uncomfortable with me being around them." Not only would it be a problem for me, I know as soon as they ask me about myself they will be led to witness to me. Witnessing means they will first assume I am stupid and superstitious, they will try to convert me, they will totally ignore what I have to say, they will work themselves into a frenzied argument supplemented by Biblical scripture (something that doesn't apply to my beliefs and practices), and when that doesn't work to move me, they will judge me as a bad daughter and will feel pity towards my mother. I know the stares, the silent disapproval, the angry glares... I get those from the friends who come visit my mother. It's not fair to me. They don't know my side of the story. They only know I'm the daughter Coreene has whose refusal to worship with her further means I'm a bad and selfish person.
My mother reminds me all the time when I visit her that I once attended church, sang in church choir, and often "spoke in tongues" (overcome with the Holy Spirit). What she doesn't understand is that I did all that to make her happy. For many years I was a good daughter and stayed in place, but inside I was out of place. I didn't fit in with my mother's Christianity, however I did hold on to the morals and was blessed with a religious education that, no matter how close-minded, has given me insight into why some people believe, practice, and worship the way they do. From childhood on, I have never closed my mind or heart to those who are different. No matter how stupid or fearful other people are, I make an effort to understand, tolerate, and respect what they are about without taking the action to convert them to my way of spirit. My view is that humanity is blessed with so much physical and cultural diversity, it's no wonder we have so many perspectives on God and the Universe, why not learn from each other and choose for ourselves what we may believe and let that be?
Why can't people let things be? So often those of us who are brought up with strong religious traditions are conditioned to preach, to be pro active, to take a stand and speak our truth, but too often this also means we forget to listen. Sometimes we need to shut-up so we don't miss out on someone else's truth. Even those without any religion, even those who believe in no God have this tendency to preach. It's like there's this little squiggily worm inside our minds that makes us want to fight when we should stay still, if we can just get past that stupid little worm maybe there would be fewer shouting matches, maybe that worm is that snake on the tree of knowledge -- we can't ignore what we know or what we're taught is true that we are not only blind to anything different, we can't see past the wall of prejudice we've built up around us that protects us from knowing the new. That's how I see it when, for example, my brother squirms in his seat whenever I share anything spiritual with him or one of our mutual friends. He anticipates me embarassing him because he thinks I'm the one who is ignorant. So he'll scoff, huff, laugh, flat out make fun of me in public.
My brother is the one with the scientific attitude. My mother is the Evangelical. I can't win with both of them against me, especially when niether one gives me a spare moment to share my point of view with them. It is unfair because I let them talk to me. I listen to them and respond to what they have to say with tolerance and respect. My turn to share never comes. I am talked over, brushed aside, ignored. I begin to feel like a non-person. But being worse than invisible, I am mocked. And they don't realize how hurtful that is.
The only way sometimes I can say anything is to scream and bitch and I did just that this Thanksgiving. My family was shocked silent. They didn't realize they were hurting me. They didn't know I had suffered in silence these past four years quietly letting my soul out in my blog and in my art. They don't understand how lonely this has made me. They know I left my friends behind to be here in Point, but they cannot appreciate the obligation I've felt to stay here to comfort them. I feel bad everytime I sigh and let out a desire to travel back down to Milwaukee to just have a nice conversation with pals. This guilt trip has got to go away.
Being in Point also means I have to deal with the absence of other friends I had when I was in college. Before I moved to Milwaukee I already had only a few left here in town, moving back after five years meant another kind of loneliness -- one where I'm left alone in a familiar place without familiar faces, those faces are only to be found on Facebook. I come back to the old university and am surrounded by their ghosts.
Joining Facebook I've become reacquainted with old college buddies and I'm overcome with this terrible bitter sweet love. I've often written about how I've felt abandoned and forgotten, hated even, by these folks. We lost touch, my worst imagination took over, I fumed and wept, spent many nights contemplating what an awful friend I must've been to these people. I remember old conversations and arguments and situations I didn't have control over.
But after talking a bit via email with some of these old friends and realizing that they never could forget about me and vice versa, there is relief. I realize that I meant something to them and I get to tell them they meant so much to me. Suddenly there is love in my life again. It's not romance, it's something better, something I can really get my heart around and appreciate like I've always wanted to be appreciated by my family. I realize that there are things I can never share with my family and, sad as that may be, at least the Gods have brought into my life so many different kinds of people I can share with. The tension I feel fades.
I am happy to be myself here. And thank you for letting me be just that. Myself.
In other news, I finally stumbled into the Mindsay forums today and found the thread about Paganism. Reading the posts in the thread sparked a lot of memories and old feelings in me, and I realized that not only do I miss being religious and having religious convictions, I more specifically miss being Pagan. I miss the rituals and the Sabbats and the celebration of life and... just all of it. In the year since I've stopped practicing, I've managed to forget a good share of what I'd learned. I spent nearly four years trying to desperately absorb everything I could concerning Paganism, and now I've lost all that knowledge, lost it or locked it away somewhere. Either way, I can't remember very much of what I'd learned.
So this goes out to anyone who stumbles across my blog: if you're Pagan or Wiccan or anything of the sort then please, take mercy on my poor memory, leave me a comment, and tell me something useful about this religion. In an odd way, I'm asking for a teacher. Yes, that's it: if you're Pagan and read this, be my teacher.
Until then... adios. I've got an obscene amount of reading and an overlarge sense of hunger.
A giant outline of Homer Simpson brandishing a doughnut was enough to make even pagans go "D'oh". Painted opposite famous fertility symbol, the Cerne Abbas giant, the idea had been to plug the new Simpsons movie due out later this month. But instead the image has incited the wrath of British pagans who have now pledged to perform "rain magic" to rid their sacred site of its unwelcome guest. Scroll down for more Homer and his doughnut take on the Cerne Abbas giant The 17th century chalk outline of the naked, sexually aroused, club-wielding giant is believed by many to be a symbol of ancient spirituality. Many couples also believe the mysterious image, which is carved in the hillside above Cerne Abbas, Dorset, is an aid to fertility. The giant doughnut-wielding Homer has been painted with water-based biodegradable paint which will wash away as soon as it rains. Ann Bryn-Evans, joint Wessex district manager for The Pagan Federation, said: "It's very disrespectful and not at all aesthetically pleasing. "We were hoping for some dry weather but I think I have changed my mind. We'll be doing some rain magic to bring the rain and wash it away." She added: "I'm amazed they got permission to do something so ridiculous. It's an area of scientific interest." She also expressed fears that the painting of Homer, from the animated television series The Simpsons, would cause a mess as it washed away. Catherine Hosen, who is the Wiltshire representative for The Pagan Federation, said: "I find it quite shocking and very disrespectful. "It's just a publicity stunt for a film and we are talking about a monument which is definitely of great historical significance and a lot of people feel has important spiritual significance as well." It is not the first time the well-endowed giant has been used to advertise products. He has been used to promote items as diverse as condoms, jeans and bicycles. During the Second World War, he was disguised to prevent the Germans from using him as an aerial landmark. Since then he has always been visible, receiving regular grass trimming and a full re-chalking every 25 years.
See here for more details http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/dorset/6901543.stm
Like many other pagans, along with even more religious minorities out there, the winter holidays can be annoying. I used to participate in the whole "let me explain what I believe and practice" ritual but have since ceased doing that because, a) the last thing people want to hear during the holidays is a lecture, b) when other people wish you a "Merry Christmas" they don't mean to insult you, and c) the last thing I want to do is give a lecture when I'm already exhausted with wrapping gifts and working retail during the busiest time of year. Now, I used to get all riled up and enthused about sharing information about my religion, especially with my friends, but I never realized that this behavior, albeit meant to be interesting and helpful, really was rude and arrogant on my part towards them. Sometimes instead of getting all defensive about what I practice and believe, it just feels right to relax and respect what other people celebrate.
My pagan friends and I are so used to having to explain things to others, that we forget sometimes the lesson of "letting things be" and that the greatest gift you can give to your fellow humans is not only respect, but PEACE. When you are at peace, that means you don't have to fight, you just have to BE. Letting things be what they are means that you respect them for what and who they are. You don't have to participate in every winter holiday ritual in order to be accepted by the rest of humankind. Accepting that others are different is as just as important as letting others know that we are different. There is plenty of information, as well as misinformation, out there but we have to trust the Gods that they will provide an appropriate place and time for us to share with an ignorant public what makes us so different and yet worthy of their respect. Since we already believe in a multitude of Gods, we already know that our ways do not have to be the only way for everyone else, and even though there are many people unfamiliar with our ways (many of whom are fearful or assume we are anti-Christian), we shouldn't feel the need to preach like they do.
I've always told my friends that I believe that what you give comes back to you in some form or fashion. For years I've struggled with coming to terms with the fact that I will always be different. Struggling with myself because I wasn't like everyone else, ended up with me not accepting myself because I am different. Whether or not I ended up pagan, it's always been my way to go against the grain, to stand out, and be outspoken. Someone like me will always have difficulty fitting in, so why did I keep trying to do just that? Why couldn't I just let myself be me? Because I was so afraid of facing further ostracism, and because I hungered so much for spiritual family, when I was a younger Pagan, I considered it my duty to preach information about my religion. I couldn't just practice and be in my own little world, I had to yell out at everyone how cool I was and how great it would be if I got all my friends to be more like me. Perhaps it was also the preacher's daughter in me that also had me compelled to "spread the word" but after so many years of preaching Paganism, I became burnt out. It took me the last two years to realize exactly why I was so burnt out.
I had become a big ol' log disrupting the flow of a river -- the current was wearing me down, molding me, making me soft, breaking me down so I could finally just relax and go with the flow and let things be. In other words, I didn't need to struggle to be me, and I didn't need so badly to struggle for my pagan peers because they, too, know and practice as I do (some of whom may have even gained something valuable from my example, you never know). I needed to trust in the Gods more, too. I'm not supposed to do everything and anything to further a pagan agenda. I also realized that my overtly preachy behavior only served to single me out as possibly insecure in my beliefs, I mean, why else would I go to such great lengths and personal sacrifices to prove that my religion is great? It baffles me, however, at the lengths my Pentecostal Christian relatives go through to use a winter celebration time to attempt to recruit me into their religion. I realize that many of them just fear I'm going to Hell, but, really, there really is no appropriate time of year to be harassed. For me to adopt that kind of behavior and use it on them is still just as bad. At some point, you just have to let things go and move on, do something more positive, and concentrate on the happy.
In my pagan life, I've also begun to appreciate mystery and the value of spiritual secrets -- there are reasons why some things should not be revealed to the general public, not because what you practice is so dark that it warrants fear, but because you have to leave room for personal discovery. Everyone, no matter what their spiritual beliefs, puts their self on a journey to learn more about who they are and how they fit into the world; religion is just one human invention to do this. To just explain away everything would serve no real purpose. What is best is to let people, out of their own free will, travel on their own and come to the destination they have long been desiring. Showing is better than telling. Besides, what better advertisement is there than a good mystery? And who doesn't want to go on an adventure into that mystery? It's like seeing a movie trailer -- it teases your interest but you won't know how good (or how bad) the story is until you've experienced it for yourself. So you can put the information out there just enough to get people interested, but they always have the right to decide if it's the right thing for them or not. You have to trust not just in the Gods, but in your own ability to present information.
My point here is that I now percieve pagan priesthood as a way to counsel others, not preach people down into Jell-O. We aren't a religion of helpless sheep, we are a religion that allows people be HUMAN. Besides, the last thing we want is a congregation of poor souls who can't do anything for themselves without the command and instruction of a priest. Also, we don't have to work ourselves into an agressive heap of anxiety over what other people think about us. If someone wants to know more about who we are and what we do, we can decide whether or not we will share our truth. The holidays aren't really the time to harass our families and neighbors with information overkill about our religion. We already know that they will wish us a "Merry Christmas" but we should know better than to spoil their fun. Let them have their Christmas, we'll have our Yule. Heck, I even go as far as wishing other people a Merry Christmas, too. (However, just to be on the safe side, I generally wish people "Happy Holidays!")
In any case, what's really nice is when someone wishes me a Happy Yule when I least expect them to remember to do so. Most folks who know me know I don't get so easily upset when they fail to wish me Happy Yule because why should I be against someone wishing me something good, even if it isn't my holy day? I only wish people would relax more during this time of year. Letting things be is just easier on everyone.
This year I wish you all a peaceful and happy holiday. If it's cold where you're at, I pray you find some place cozy and warm. I wish you someone soft to cuddle with during the long, dark nights of winter. I hope you all get plenty of old grandma kisses as much as you recieve little kid kisses at family gatherings. I wish you all the calories in the world, but without all the fat. Yes, may your bellies be small yet full of treats!
And when you are tucked deep into bed, hug your blankets and know your friend Valentina has reserved a special place in her heart for you. So, yeah, merry, merry (insert appropriate holiday here)!!!
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