Overwhelmed @ MindSay

I was going to write this last night but I have been sleeping a lot.  My depression is getting worse, so it seems.  I didn't even get to see the race and when I found out who won, I was disgusted.  I can't stand Carl Edwards.  Anyway, that was so off the reason for this entry.

I see Julie, my therapist, at 5 p.m. Today.  It figures that I have to wait that long.  Now I have the whole damn day to ruminate of everything I want to say and the mess I am going to be after wards.  I guess, if you really want to look at it, I could chose not to cry but that is not even possible.  I contracted for safety up until today and that was it.  After that, I think everything is fair game.  I won't be told I have to forfeit a session (well, I will if I tell my new therapist since the one Julie put in place still stands until we look at it) but at this point I don't give a rats ass. 

Honestly, I think Julie is leaving the agency and I am not her only client that feels this way.  I want to ask her but I am not sure it is my business anymore since after today she is no longer my therapist.  I can't even believe this is all happening.  Remembering her taking some responsible to me being told I made all of this happen.  I did a lot, don't get me wrong but I feel things could have been worked through.  I simply feel she has given up on me.  I even feel like a lost cause even though she has told me differently.

I just started crying and it is only 7:14 a.m.  I just want this over with so I can move on because I know what this is going to do emotionally.  I have known for years I needed a new therapist but not under these circumstances.  I just don't feel worthy enough like I am damaged goods.  I know this all comes from childhood because of the abuse.  She has even told me she knows I had trauma but she isn't sure to what extent.  Wow, how do you process that comment.  She said a few weeks ago and I still can't wrap my head around it.  I am not sure I ever will be able to.

I still can't believe the days has come.  As for the safety contract, it no longer stands after my session with her.

sometimes

sometimes I am hes-hesitant to show you some

because I dont want you to be overcome

overwhelmed by who I am

the burden I carry

dont be wary, dont worry

transparent como siempre, gingerly attentive

overwhelmed by who you are

your smile made of sun, tu cara full of grace

I try not to tremble, so as not to break this beautiful fragile moment

that overwhelming tightness in my chest when I see you

drowning in emotion

overwhelmed with the possibility

possibly

maybe

No. You are beautiful.

 

I want to cut again. I just tried.. but it wasn't sharp enough. I have to go but I might try again later...

I just need to relax. When I say everything tries to go against me and everything I do is fighting a strong ocean current, I mean it. I won't start to complain, but if you live with me for a month, you would see how difficult it is for me to accomplish anything. I know it sounds like black and white thinking, which is bad. But I don't believe it is. I have honestly thought about every single thing, and nothing ever comes with any relative ease. I like to work hard to earn things, but this is just overwhelming and it just beats you down.I've thought about suicide, and I think of it a lot, but I won't do it. I will not this monster have me. I will not be defeated! I read a story someone who hurts themselves too, wrote. They said most people who self injure aren't trying to die, they're trying to stay alive. I think that's how it is for me. I should go to the psychologist again probably, but I don't know if I have antything to say.  I have to go now...

(Very Large picture post.)

Sometimes life makes you feel like you are drowning.

























I was going to break this into two posts but I didn't want to separate any of these images. I feel I had to group them together to help me express how much life can do that to us... make us feel overwhelmed.

I was so scared that I was going to drop my camera so I tied it to one hand!!!

I've just been playing Eve-Online since I got home (3:00-ish), and it's pretty interesting. However, it's now 7:00 and I feel like I've accomplished nothing. Ugh. I could've spent that time reading a book or playing something that I'd get more out of. Not to say it's a bad game. In fact, it seems really cool, but very time consuming and I'm not sure if I want to sink that much effort and time into something like that. Blah.

 

New classes were today. Nothing amazing, and nothing terrible. Enviornmental Science, French V, Women in Literature, and Ceramics III. I'm pretty excited about Ceramics, spending time on the pottery wheel is so incredibly soothing and relaxing. God damn I'm looking forward to that. The other classes aren't terrible. There's at least someone interesting in each of them. I just need to kick myself in the ass and make sure I don't fail everything in these last four months before graduation. Four more months.. Oh yeah? Time goes so fast? Bullshit.

 

Something dawned on me today, which occured during my ceramics III class. I struck up a conversation about emotions and feelings, which hasn't ever really happened before. Not only that, but they agreed on every single issue that I'm having trouble dealing with myself. Down to getting attached quickly, wanting someone I want, and so on. It was wonderful, I felt as if I fell in love right that moment. Haha, that is until I shook myself out of my dreamy state and remembered that she's my good friend's girlfriend. That's a kick in the pants, but I'm not going to wish them ill. They're happy together and they deserve that. It makes me kind of bummed when I think about it, though. Maybe more than a little. In fact, I'm not really going to think about it anymore. It's been bugging me since I left school. She gave me a book to read, though. And I am curious, so I'll probably delve into that later this evening. Man, I have the worst luck in the world.

 

Tomorrow I go to visit my Elementary School kids, along with securing (hopefully) a job that will set the gears turning towards my independance. I'm pretty excited. One step at a time, and I'm at least more confident that I won't trip, fall, and be lost. I'll have to see how things go. But jesus christ. Since I went to bed late last night, I was and am so tired. I want to sleep, but I feel like all my time is wasted if I spend it on sleep. I hate being indecisive.

 

I'll probably go find something to do to keep me occupied or pass out. Or pass out while occupying myself. Or just pass out completely. Whatever.