Ouch @ MindSay 
pain
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I don't know how the legendary mood I was in all day yesterday could have turned sour so fucking quickly.
I think I know ultimatley what the trigger to my depression was.
I was reading over my prospectus to Teesside University. This week in college is the Stepping Up week - thus, we're having endless talks about unversity, how to apply, how to write personal statements and all that shite.
The course I'm interested in is English Studies & Creative Writing.
To enrol on it, you need 220 UCAS points.
If I end up with three Cs for my three A2s - that will give me 260 points. But I'm still doubting I can even reach that... I don't want C grades - but that's the bare minimum I need. Although, like I said - I'm still doubting if I can even do that.
The other issue is of course -the course is Creative WRITING - the one thing I'm having great difficutly attempting.
I haven't got a clue how I managed to write the introduction to DATWBSVOH yesterday. What's weird is the fact I wrote it on paper... I usually struggle a lot to get things down on paper, as opposed to a word processor. If I do end up writing anything down on paper - it also tends to be of a shitty quality.
I'm still unsure if I like what I've written but...
My writing tends to have a few stages to it, and judging how I feel as I'm writing it and after I've finished, I can tell if I'm going to like it or not.
During the writing process:
1) I'll be writing rapidly, maybe even smiling as I do so.
2) I'll be writing at a moderate speed, getting a rare sentence or paragraph block.
3) I'll be writing slowly, getting frequent blocks.
4) I'll be writing incredibly slowly, struggling to conjure up basic words and phrases.
5) I won't get anything written at all. I may write one or two sentences, but promptly delete them.
After it's complete:
1) I'll shrug, not finding many or any faults with it, but unsure if I like it or not.
2) I may find one or two faults, but I won't feel any dislike for it yet.
3) I'll read it over and truly not have a clue how to judge it because it's equal either way.
4) I'll hate every word of it, refuse to read it again and get upset with myself.
5) I'll delete it before it's even fully finished becuase I hate it THAT much.
DATWBSVOH's introduction ranked #1 for during writing and #2 for after completion.
I'm wanting to know - was it a fluke, or will I be able to continue?
If it's not a fluke and I manage to write something else pretty soon, I'm going to see if I can continue with some old work. I'm thinking of maybe putting some fan fiction on hold, continuing ahead with my original fiction.
It isn't fair - the best thing I've ever written WAS fan fiction.
Goddammned TFATH.
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Either way - I started getting really depressed after thinking things over.
I haven't done what I did for a few months.
I'd even told Dianne that I thought I'd totally stopped.
It seems not.
Now I feel like I've let her down. :(
I'm also afraid of telling Shelly about it. I'd have told her this morning, but she had an exam to worry about - I didn't want to ruin her concentration and motivation streak by making her worry about me.
I washed my jacket last night, so I've had to wear my striped jumper to college.
It's so warm here in the LRC, but I can't even roll my sleeves up...
I tried out the new carving technique I used a while ago and really liked.
First, I'll carve out my word/phrase/intials - then I'll use a small piece of metal to run red food colouring or red ink through the cuts. This stains the skin underneath and makes them stay for longer.
I'll then cut over them again once the ink has dried.
I used food colouring - it works well, but it has a tendancy to stain any non-cut skin a weird orange colour.
Last night's carving was: "FAILURE" - something I've felt like cutting into myself for quite a while.
I have to stain them because I just don't seem to hurt myself as badly as I used to. My old cuts would stay for weeks, possibly months. My newer ones only seem to stay for about a fortnight.
It just doesn't give me the same release any more. I still bleed as much as I used to - but they're nowhere near as deep. I add to the blood effect (which is what I really like to see) with the ink...
I'm really worried about what Shelly's reaction is going to be though...
Ashleigh too - but by the time I see her, they may have healed over a bit... :(
House update: We are almost done fixing all the walls. We have patched almost every hole. We will be able to sand and paint all but three rooms maybe by tomorrow. Which means that everything the appraiser needed us to fix is done. So, I will call the appraiser and make an appointment for them to come out and re-appraise the property. However, since we have changed our lender, we have heard nothing about being approved for the loan. I have to pay for the appraiser to come back out, and I don't even know if the lender is going to give us money to buy the house. We have put probably around $1500 into a property we don't own yet. the $1000 is earnest money, so, $500 non-refundable funds at least are into this as it is. I don't know how much the appraiser will want to come back out, and there is another $300 that will be refundable if they cash the check to process my loan application. Plus we will still have to put down the rest of the down payment, and all of closing costs. Then we want to fix the place up. Oye-vey.
It was horrible -- heinous even!
For the past couple of weeks I've been fighting the worst insomnia ever! (Notice how this entry is already rife with exaggerations.) I had been fighting sleep all day because I was determined to exhaust myself in order to ensure a decent night's sleep this evening. As I zombie-walked into the kitchen to make myself a snack, I had forgotten that the husband broke a glass in there this past weekend. As you can guess, I also forgot to put on shoes before went into the kitchen. Alas, I stepped on a piece of glass!
I dropped my burrito and hopped into my bedroom so I could operate. The husband handed me some tweezers, a magnifying glass and some alcohol pads. I began the delicate process of extraction, but wouldn't you know it, that teeny, tiny shard of glass would budge! The husband couldn't help me get it out because he's as blind as a bat. I seriously contemplated calling my sister who is a nurse to come get it out for me, however I would have felt like a jerk because she literally lives 25 minutes away.
Finally, I had to take drastic measures. I called my husband and asked him to bring me *gasp* a sewing needle and a cigarette lighter, STAT! I sterilized the needle with the lighter, took a deep breath and dug that shittin' assed shard of glass out of my foot. I bandaged it up (because I decided I didn't need a tourniquet) and elevated it for good measure.
And this, my friends, is how I managed to put off going to the grocery store for another day!
Soooo my fingers broken, swollen, nasty, bruised and quite painfull.... which makes it hard to express myself via this keyboard, alas many things are on my mind and have happened that id like to share.. but not till this brace thingy is removed...
untill we meet again..
A couple of weeks ago, shortly after Thanksgiving, I took this diet pill to help my fat bum lose weight, right? Well, I started having this pain in my back right under my right shoulder blade, kind of radiating under my arm pit. My first thoughts were OMG, my kidneys!! So, I drank even more water and cranberry juice to rid myself of the damaging diet pills and to feel better. The pain only increased, it did not go away and it hurt for about 4 days when I called to make an appointment with the Dr.
So, I go in and tell him about my problems and he started pushing on my stomach and OUCH!! It hurt and he listened to me breathe and pushed on my sore back a little. He ask me had I been working out, because he knows I was trying to lose weight(hence the diet pills), and of course I said yes, because I had been.
He decides to do a urine analysis and a back x-ray. The urine test is clean but there was a slight problem with my x-ray. Okay, if you are squeemish, stop reading now...
My bowels were clogged up and he asked had I been constipated... I said, no more than normal!! He laughed and said it was normal for women to be irregular and prescribed me a muscle relaxer and a laxative. He told me he was going to treat the pain as a strained muscle and help me return to regular with the medicines he gave. Told me to take it easy, not to lift any thing over 15 pounds and to drink lots of water. I already drink tons of H2O so I said no problem.
He told me to call him back in a week if the pain had not relinquished itself and he would order an ultrasound of my gall bladder... :(
I went with it. I do not believe it was a muscle because I played most major sports as a child and teenager and know that familiar pain of sore muscles. Still, I went with it and said ok.
Now, it has been a week since I saw him and the pain has decreased, but has not gone away. I notice the pain more after meals, and before bedtime. It is a radiating pain under my right arm and under my right should blade. It hurts randomly, seemingly for no reason, and is a sharp intense pain... Then it fades away until the next time it decides to grace me with it's presence.
I have not called him yet because I feel like I am just delaying the inevitable...on purpose. I don't want to have an ultrasound...They are expensive. I don't want to have surgery because I am starting Uni this semester and I can't miss school. But, I need to take care of myself... AHHH!!
What do I do???
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