Other @ MindSay 
things
I have a beef.
It's about eHarmony, and I will freely admit I've been taken in by their promise of 'perfect matching'. But like anything else, people will find the holes in the logic and exploit it to their gain.
The biggest thing that bothers me about the dating site, after being on there for about a year and a half total, over 3 times, is the closing out process. Specifically, the use of the reason 'Other'. This has got to be the biggest online cop-out since not calling the person back after a date was instituted back when landline phones were all the rage.
It's annoying! What does 'other' mean? I could hazard some very good guesses, but unfortunately, the women who have closed me out can't tell me. I spoke to one date (who never called back after our first date, thank-you-for-sticking-me-with-the-60-buck-sushi-bill Allison) who said that she used 'Other' often because the real reason wasn't on there. I asked her, what was the real reason in most cases? And she had no response, because it would make her seem shallow. In retrospect, she probably was. At least, if I'm going to close out a match early on because I don't think we'll fit, based on what they've said in their profile, or I'm not physically attracted to them, or they live in freakin' Indiana or so close to the Wisconsin border that they're a Packers fan instead of a Bears fan, I'll say, 'Based on statements in their profile, I'm not interested', or 'Distance too great' or 'I'm pursuing someone else', which at least leaves the woman with some dignity and something that they can accept. Ok, I missed this boat, another one will come along!
But 'Other' is a non-answer. What does it mean?? I refuse to use it, because it's leaving me with questions. I can only imagine it leaves everyone else with questions too.
Lately it's like that's the only answer among the 13 or so choices, and it's at the bottom of the list. So I imagine a woman scrolling fast to the bottom, hitting 'other' and moving on. Very little thought wasted.
I just had my umpteenth close-out with the reason of 'Other'. At least we made it past the first questions. She initiated contact too. One of the many reasons why I am sick of online dating. It doesn't work for 90% of the people who try it. Oh sure, there are success stories, and there will be. These people, both of them, were honest with each other and honest to themselves, and it worked. I'm being honest with myself (I think) and well, seems that there's still a lot of women out there that either aren't, or they really aren't a good match.
This isn't a rant on women in general, just the ones on these dating sites. I'm sure women have a similar rant about guys. Believe it or not, both men and women are saying the same thing, but noones listening.
What frustrates me even more is the 'oh so close!' feelings I get with a few of these women. There was one, we clicked, we emailed a decent amount, still on eHarmony, and then she said that she wanted to take it offline and call, to which I wholeheartedly agreed to, but then she disappeared. After about 2 months of communication, she *poof* vanished! She is a die-hard Cubs fan, and she disappeared about the time of spring training. Coincidence? Probably not. I think we would have worked very well together.
Another woman I fell for almost immediately, and she was a teacher. I have a weakness for teachers (and brunettes) and we hit it off too, but then school started, and she suddenly had no time for a relationship and closed me out. Now, I would wait until there was some free time to see her, knowing full well how a teacher's schedule is one of the most demanding on the planet. But to drop something that was working? Frustrating!
And now, there's one where we went through this whirlwind weekend (I think it was a free communication weekend) up to the email stage (Open Communication) and I sent the first letter, and zrrrrk brick wall. Haven't heard from her.
And she was really cute!
And she initiated contact with me! (a rarity in my book)
And she was eloquent!
And she was considerate!
And she seemed like she had a very caring heart!
And she was a brunette!
And.... I never heard from her. No way to communicate with her.
Anyone have a success story? Or failure stories to add?
Him: when I come out of the bathroom I hope you're not there!
Me: that doesn't sound like a command. you have a very forceful nature, if you really didn't want me here you'd make sure of it!
I get up, walk to the door, open it and slam it shut again. He walks out about five seconds later to find me leaning against the door.
Me: well, I'm not there I'm here.
Him: GO!
Me: NO!
Him: why are you doing this?
Me: why are you not?
Him: because it's just too twisted for words!
Me: like we need words? of course words can be fun but we don't need them. and being twisted is the ultimate!
He walks up to me with dark flashing eyes.
Him: you are playing a very dangerous game.
Me: not by myself and saying danger only makes me more horny, if that's possible. you know i haven't had sex since January.
He grabs the doorknob.
I brace myself against the door knowing for damned sure he can open it as though I'm not struggling against it with all my tiny mite. He opens the door like I'm not even there. Damn! I love his strength. I can't wait to have his hand around my neck.
Over the next two days we behave in our home as we always have; having dinner together, playing scrabble and listening to music as I paint or sketch and he writes and the other roommate puts together his portfolio for school in September.
We have both, for the time being, effectively and protectively forgotten about the events of the night before last.
It was a Friday late afternoon and the other roommate and I were sitting by the lake. I was sketching the landscape before me and listening to Bach. The other roommate was sleeping. I looked up from my sketch pad and two birds were skimming the lake as they flew. One bird followed closely behind the other. The flutter of their wings in sync with each other, their entire movement in sync with Bach's wonderful music. The pure beauty of that moment made me cry.
The other roommate startled me:
Other Roommate: what happened, what's wrong?
Me: nothing, it's nature, it's so beautiful it makes me cry sometimes.
Other Roommate: oh god, does this mean we have to watch that damned scene from American Beauty again?
Me: I always watch a Clockwork Orange with you.
Other Roommate: how can you be so artistic and not love that movie?
Me: so I should cancel my artistic membership.
I lightly hit him on the stomach making him sit up.
Other Roommate: Oh shit, I didn't even see him standing there. come on, let's go, I'm starving!
Relationships 101 Tune -up Tips Be at least as kind and forgiving to your partner as you would be with a houseguest Work at it every day whether you like it or not Fight with yourself before you fight with your partner- don’t make underhanded comments or hurtful remarks. Make time for warmpth , affection and sex becuase you wont find time for them Have regular discussions at least once a month and reconnect and see how things are going. make time for “us” time family time is not “couple time” Change things up even if movie nights is working, find some new and fun to do things Ocassionally, go all out with and adventuure of the ordinary Tell him expressions of admiration and reinforcement daily, like when you were dating. Give yourslef a time out when angry, address issues when caalmer so you dont say something , you will reget Dont be afraid to go to a marriage professional. Meanwhile, take a mini-marriage check Below with your mate and check the health of your relationship Were you often playful together? We just have fun the two of us. I feel comfortable telling most of my feelings to my partner /husband or wife. I feel understood when my partner listens to me. How we manage money as a couple is a strength in our relationship Sex is a strength in our relationship We understand and respect each others basic values. If you found yourself disagreeing with one or more of these statements ,then its time to investigate potential trouble spots. INCLUDING EMPLOYING PROFESSIONAL HELP TO AVOID A MAJOR BREAKDOWN The relationship you have with your partner needs work each and everyday, its not something that can come easy by any means. Each time your partnership comes into thoughts especially when the roles shift in the relationship this could be due to health or job or new baby or added stressors of caring for parents whose health is becoming fragile. Sometimes family has an influence on our Partners and it can become a battleground for arguing and name calling and having to take sides and make a choice. When you are feeling down inside and angry due to a habit or disagreement and it is becoming between the both of you, seek help before one of you turns to another person outside your marriage.
With the voluminous campaigns underway and primaries looming nigh, will you be casting a ballot in the primary? How will you choose your candidate? Are you a straight party voter, or is there one major issue that will determine your vote?
I'm undecided at this point as far as the candidate. Perhaps I'm waiting to see which Dem and Rep are leading the pack by the time PA's primary comes around (22 Apr). By that time, the decisions may already be made. There are so many vital issues, it seems, and no ONE candidate believes as I do on each of them.
Many of you fellow mindsayers are loyal Dem's and your blogs say so. I read many of them. There are not so many Rep's, but there are a few I read. There are plenty of anti-Bush articles and blogs around the net and I'm continually amazed at how many people have made him the scapegoat for all the ills of both our nation and the world! Think about it ... there's a reason to keep complicated diplomatic matters from the masses! There's a reason to simplify! The masses are gullible and stupid! "All we like sheep have gone astray, every one hath turned aside into his own way: and the Lord hath laid on him the iniquity of us all." Is 53:6
Anyway ... lest anyone think that it is only the Republicans who lie ... TOP 100 Broken Promises! I also appreciated the post from wendyinchicago with the Candidate Calculator which I found very helpful & interesting. Half of those people I never heard of! OK ... so with that said and that resource available, I'm coming down on the Republican side ... so far.
Have you decided who you will support? Is there ONE (or two) major issue for you? (Iraq, economy, immigration, education ... ?) How will you decide? Will you vote?
~ B
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