Optimistic @ MindSay 
Well, today was my dreaded Oncology appointment. I had planned all week on what I wanted to say and was sort of prepared for a fight if necessary. But, it did not happen. I met with my Oncologist and I did bring up some of my concerns but did not get to others after he stated the chemo was over. Apparently as he stated, too much time has passed in order for the chemo to be feasible or effective. From what I do understand, the post surgery chemo is basically an insurance policy. You could still have cancer cells in your body and system. You may not have cancer cells remaining. There is no real, definite or precise way of knowing until it develops into a size visible with a CAT Scan. The time frame in question is basically due to the fact that if there is any cancer present as a beginning cell it can be eliminated through chemo. If it has grown or spread, all the chemo would do would be to keep it in check, not eliminate it. After that, radiation might reduce it and surgery might remove it depending on where or how far it has spread but chemo would no longer very effective. On the bright side of all of that, My surgical lab and pathology reports showed no visible cancer cells present and post operative CAT Scans showed no cancer or tumors present.
So for now the chemo is over and done with. I guess that is also good in a way. My body and systems will not be subjected to any more debilitating attacks. I will have more time to heal and recover from its affects and the trauma I was subjected to. Maybe this is the way it was meant to be. As it has been said many times, "Things happen for a reason." Maybe I did not need it. Maybe I got sick for a reason so it would end. Maybe . . .
As far as the next step with the Oncologist it will be mainly monitoring and closely watching. I have another appointment scheduled for the end of January. Prior to that I will have another CAT Scan to see what if anything shows up. Then probably another one down the road. How long that will go on I don't know. Maybe until we are sure. As for the blood pressure issue, I will have to go to my primary care doctor and have him check it out. Perhaps on to a specialist after that and maybe a nutritionist depending on what if anything is found. I did encounter one other concern today however. When they went to take my blood sample before the exam, they could not find a viable vein in my left arm. I have always been appreciated by all the nurses in my past as they found it so easy to find veins to 'tap' for blood samples and IV's. Today, not so good. It is possible that the IV Phenergan in my last hospital stay did more damage than previously noted. Just another 'little something else' I will need to get checked out.
Do I See The Light ?
I think I am beginning to see a bright object off in the distance. Perhaps the 'Light At The End Of The Tunnel' is getting closer. I am still not out of the dark yet. I have an appointment with my surgeon for next month at which time he will schedule a Colonoscopy (Whoopee) and another Barium Ileostomy Scan (Double Whoopee). Depending on those results the next step may be scheduling my final surgery. There is still a chance for cancer to show up elsewhere. It could happen to anyone. There is a chance it has not completely gone and is waiting to show up in some other place at some other time. All I know is after all I have been through if it does show its ugly presence again I will be tempted to beat its ugly lame butt with a lead hammer. I am sure I can order a cheap lead hammer from China, since everything there seems to be made out of lead. :D
Thank you all again for your support, well wishes and prayers. It certainly would have been a much longer, more difficult and extremely lonely journey without you. 
Take care and enjoy the remainder of your week.
hey:(
My life this week is rather shitty..its been in this continuous cycle of stress, procrastination, exhastion, yelling, and emotions. Let me explain y...
On sunday i was thinking about alot of stuff..how some of my friends are drifting away, how sometimes i feel my family sumtimes only see a short grade 9 and nothing but..so my mind kept me up till 1:30am, sdo i ended up sleeping in, which made me late for class, and which also made me extremly exhasted without the day, which made me procrastinate on my homework, which made my parenst yell at me, which made me stressed and go to bed late..and then the cycle started over again..but to add to that jessica is mad at me, as i mentioned before. I havent talked to her today..i think ill wait till tomorrow to talk to her. If she forgives me everything will be fine again:)(friends are the biggest part of my life rite now) if she doenst...my life is going to go down the shitter for a while..me and her have been friends for over half a year now, and i dont wanna throw away all those memories... 
Anyways im going to get away from all that sadness for a while to discuss another one of my odd topics...Todays topic(lmao:P) is Being Optimistic vs Being Pesimistic I know this is an odd topic to be talking about, but for sum reason i was thinking about it walking to badmonton a while ago, so id thought id share my thougfhts with u guys;) anyways, i think that being optimistic is one of the best things u can be, because when u be optimistic to sumbody, u make them feel good, then they thank u for that, which makes U feel good:) thats y i try to be as optimistic as i can, because along with optimisim comes kindness, i love to be kind:P lol..but anywyas, with being pesimistic u make the other person feel bad, then they get mad at u, which makes u feel bad, so i think being pesimistic to other people can be a bad thing (being pesimistic to yourself is bad, but when u be pesimistic to others u usually get labelled a bitch or sumthing (ive seen it done many of times (and i dont even think the perosn doing it doesnt even mean to..) so yea. Usually with being pesimistic comes angry and sadness, to u or other people or both. And for everybody who hoestly doenst understand what im trying to get at here, is that how u veiw things in life to u and other people mean so much..usually when u see the good in just about everything, u are a nicer person, and ur life goes better. When your pesimistic and can find the bad in just about everything, ur veiw on life is rather low and u feel bad and your life is in the shitter. Heres an exaple of it
Optimistic:
Friend: i got 90% on my math test!
Optimistic person: :D NICE JOB!!! im so proud of u!! thatll make ur average higher:)!!
Friend::)
Pesimistic:
Friend: i got 90% on my math test!!
Pesimistiuc person: well u may have gotten good THIS time, but wait till the next unit, itll be alot harder and your average will decrease...
Friend: 
So yea... im done writng about that now. I hoestly felt like a teacher or sumthing talking about sumthing no one really cares about lmao:P and i hoenstly dont really know Y i put that..but i dunno. I like to rite about topics people may or may not of even thoight about before..gets people thinking..lmao:P So i guess if u have anything to add to that u can post below..start up sum interesting convos;) well anywyas i gotta get going now so ttyl byebye!!
-:(Kristal:(
Today, I went out to lunch with my mentor and one of my bosses. It was
REALLY nice to hear them tell me how well I've done and that they are
going to miss me. It makes all the crap I feel like I was put through
worthwhile. I know that I make a favorable impression on most adults,
but it is completely different when someone who is 30 or 40 years old
accepts you as a co-worker and respects you in that way. Besides, who doesn't like being told that they're smart, hard-working, a wonderful employee, and that they will definitely be successful at whatever they put their mind to?
Another co-worker that I did a little bit of work for told me basically the same thing. It was also nice to hear it from him because he was telling me that primarily based on what others had told him about my work. He also gave me some advice, which i thought was really good so I'm going to pass it on.
1. Keep that smile on your face. It makes everyone like you and it makes your day go by so much easier. Yes, you are going to get irritated and etc, but if you can do that it makes you a stronger person.
2. Keep your good sense of humor. If you can't laugh shit off then you're going to be miserable. That's all there is to it. It has made a HUGE difference in my life. I am still mortified by some of the stupid stuff I do and there will always be soft spots (i.e. things I can't laugh about doing), but I try my hardest to get over it and just laugh because its so much easier to deal with it from that point of view. I never used to be able to do that. I would always think that people would judge me for it and always remember that thing... but eventually I came to realize that I was my toughest judge and that no one else remembered beyond a couple days.
So yeah... chin up and smile... I promise, everything will be better :D
A bit depressed right now. I had a shitty day.. stressful and full of loneliness and criticism. But I was okay when I got home.. optimistic, I suppose. For no reason...
Asic said he was going to stop cutting. I hope he does.. before it gets too out of hand... I'm so worried about people.
And it annoys the hell out of me that NOBODY needs me. Everyone goes to someone else for their problems.. I feel so fucking worthless. It makes me rethink my whole life's plan. That I've already come up with... its just depressing. I thought I had everything figured out and now I just don't know what I want. Does nobody TRUST me? Thats what it feels like. Its the worst feeling in the world. Well.. its basically failure. A more... a higher level of failure. Or lower? Which would it be considered... I don't know. And Asic always gets offline soon after Chelsea does... am I really that boring? I sure feel like it. I'm jealous. I wish he would talk to me.. Chelsea knows everything, Chelsea can help FUCK the world fucking revolves around Chelsea! Why do people trust her more than me? And saying that... is going to have some bad consequences. Who knows what...
I made this blog so I could say whatever the fuck I want and I could empty my emotions without shitty consequences... and I ruined that... its not longer... where I say all my thoughts and emotions. I still have to hold some things back. That bothers me... I've been considering ANOTHER new blog that just like this one, I'll keep a secret for six months then end up telling one person out of... the suicidal feelings cut off my logic I suppse... a cry for help? I don't know. I just wanted to be left alone and firgured the blog and all its.. gruesome detail would scare people off. No.. now I feel dumb. I'm extremely vulnerable right now. If Chelsea wanted to she could destroy my life. All because of one blog. It would be so easy for her.. why do I trust people? Something bad is going to happen.
I feel like shit... oi.
I'm only making it worse... but you know what... I haven't been able to really cry in... a long time. Sure my eyes may water... but thats all... nothing will come out... even if I try. I don't know whats going on... I normally cry alot. I'm thinking... maybe I lost the ability to cry? Not physically incapable of it... but more like.. emotionally? Maybe I cant express intense emotion anymore.. like smiling and crying and laughing. I don't think I miss it either...
I'm sick of talking. So... frikin.. bipolar...
I forgot to mention... I watched the movie Thirteen last night. Love that movie.. I love when she cuts herself... because just being able to watch the blood makes me all tingly inside. I want a REAL razorblade. I nice big one.. that I could actually do some real damage with. Boy, that would be nice. I have an urge...