Openness @ MindSay

Cutting is a frequent subject in my community college English classes. In one class of fifteen, six students, two of them young men, wrote about their cutting and depression. When one permitted me to copy and distribute her paper and read it aloud in her class, five others followed suit. We discussed depression, unhappiness, self-medication, alcohol and drugs, wanting to die. All six used or had used marijuana to treat depression and unhappiness. They smoked every day. In pencil I make copious marks on student papers, correcting spelling, punctuation, and format, suggesting changes in syntax and diction, asking questions, and offering comments. There is no penalty for so-called errors in usage or mechanics; students merely have to integrate improvements and resubmit. All my corrections are done silently and privately between the student and me through my marks and comments on their papers; there is no “picking apart” of their essays, no public criticism in class of their writing. Class discussion is about the issues or the themes of their writing only. The greater and deeper the intellectual inquiry and engagement, the more everything else in their writing improves along with it. Students respond wonderfully to this approach. They yearn to be heard, to share, to find solidarity with others; they love to tell their stories, express their pain, loneliness, unhappiness, and struggle. They love the openness, honesty, of these classes. Though not explicit, the process is generally Buddhist (the Four Truths and the Eightfold Path) and AA (the Twelve Steps)—give up, be honest and brave, tell the truth, forgive, make art. No student is compelled to disclose; confidentiality is respected if requested. But honesty and courage are contagious. It all gets very deep, very real, in a hurry. I have to be vigilant, caring, alert always. Over forty years there have so far been no student tragedies among my students as a result. Not all of us have relinquished our loneliness, courage, honesty, conversation, and compassionate listening to licensed experts and institutional review boards. We warily trust each other, confess, apologize, forgive, and only rarely consult the therapists, deans, counselors of special needs, the doctors, or the lawyers. We allow ourselves to use colloquial English, “bad” grammar, and to be sloppy, trite, and self-indulgent. We cry and laugh and love and loaf and live and ask no one’s permission. Then we work in concert to try to shape this raw material into literature and art. We try to identify the truths of our own life experience, to explore the meanings of these truths, and to express these truths in writing so others understand.

I've been thinking for a long time about what's important in this world.  When people are around, it's obvious they are the most important thing on this planet.  When they're not around, it's not so obvious.  When I'm alone, I'm not quite sure what to do with myself--I don't think it has to do with a lack of creativity on my part, it's just that life feels less fulfilling when lived alone.  So I end up watching DVDs until four in the morning, cramming every spare minute with entertainment.

Is any entertainment worth losing sleep over?  Even if it is Smallville?

As far as people go...  I've hurt two of the most important women in my life, (my mother is the most important of course, but I'm obviously not referring to her,) each by loving the other.  For those who are keeping score, I'm still with L ( 1girl1boy1love ), things are better than ever, and I'm still on speaking terms with doomkitty , even if I don't yet consider myself worthy to be her friend.  I've been betrayed by my emotions, and as a result had to take corrective actions, however drastic and painful the effort may be to myself.  I'd alluded to this in my last post, but it was mostly speculation and placating then, and I didn't actually implement any changes.

I've always been honest; now it's time for complete openness as well.  I had never really stopped loving Doomkitty, and I was a fool to think I'd be able to hide it from L.  Things came to a head Monday, and after hours of strained conversation and tears, she showed me mercy and gave me another chance.

It's enormously unfair to love someone when they don't feel the same way about you, but it's even more unfair to feel that love when you're with someone else.  It's difficult to look at this situation in any light and not come to the conclusion that I'm the one at fault.  I used to think of myself as a good person, but now I know myself a little better.  I was too immature to be open about my feelings, to trust, to move on...

I was afraid of losing that opportunity to get back together with Doomkitty again at some point in the future, but as long as I held on to that, I didn't really have a future, and I didn't see that until this week.  I'm just sorry I wasn't strong enough to move on sooner so we could enjoy the friendship both of us want without an ulterior motive on my part.  I hope to get to that point someday, perhaps soon, but certainly not without a concerted effort on my part.

L has been wonderful through all of this.  She's told me exactly what I needed to hear: that she'll help me, that I can get through this, that I'll never really be alone.  Her encouragement and love have been of value beyond price.

Doomkitty has also been more than fair to me as I've struggled through this.  Her genuine caring for me even when I'd hurt her or when I had poured out unwelcome love for her gave me the opportunity to heal at my own pace with the knowledge that I wouldn't lose a good friend in the balance.

I've been enormously unfair to both of them, and all I can do is offer my humblest apologies, insufficient though they may be.

L - I love you, and I'll see you tomorrow.

Doomkitty - All I can say is I'm sorry and I'll talk to you soon.

In other news...  Well, the other news can wait for a future post.  This is all that really matters.

It's been a month and a day since my last post.  I guess I needed a break.

(Edit: I'm having trouble coming up with a title for this post--I never have that problem...  I considered "My girlfriend, my good friend and myself" or the variant "My lover, my friend and me" or "Emotional betrayal", but none of them felt quite right.  After building up for a month, you'd figure this post would just write itself.  In the end, though, the title seemed obvious.)

I'm feeling a little frazzled, a little frayed at the edges.  I need a break, but I don't know any way to get one.  Doomkitty wonders why I have few friends, and there are several answers, but one is that there are already too many demands on my time.  I know that seems odd, as I spend most of my time here, but the pressures I feel are very real.  I want to be in a place where I'm not responsible to anyone for just a short while, where I can have a weekend without wondering if my father or someone from the church is going to call.

Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy talking to those people, on my own terms and at my own convenience.  I know they are concerned for me and want to know that my life is going well.  I just don't like people calling to check up on me, no matter how good their intentions are.  My mother must've realized this, as she dropped nearly all pressure of this nature, and the result is that I call her two or three times a week, and have visited with her nearly every weekend.

There's a kind of mental pressure exerted on me, and I don't like it.  It just makes me want complete and total freedom, but the only ways to do that, really, would be ceasing communications entirely, hurting feelings, ending relationships...  No, the alternative isn't worth it.  But still, the pressures weigh on me.

I put enough pressure on myself as it is.  My problem is that I can't consider an action without considering other people, without thinking about how it affects their hearts and their minds, and the other consequences of my actions.  So I feel the need to placate people, assuage their fears, assure others that all is well, even if it isn't.  It's a sham, it's false, and I hate it.  I want to be completely open and honest with people, and there are few who can handle that.  Okay, one.  Well, maybe not even that.

Why are people so afraid of honesty?  Why do they feel it's necessary to keep secrets?  Perhaps that's what it comes down to: I don't want to be responsible for the secrets of others, for keeping things from people.  I don't want to have to hide anything from anyone, and I just don't have the freedom to do that.

And in my present situation, I can't be that with anyone.  It's one of the reasons I long so for a relationship with Doomkitty again: if we were together, I wouldn't feel the need to hold anything at all back from her, and I could really be myself, if only for a little while.

But right now, there is no one with which I can be truly myself, no one I can really trust.  Blogging like this is therapeutic, but I still feel the need to censor myself for the sake of others, not necessarily because I've been asked to, but because I know that's what they want.  And what good is it to be oneself when one is alone?  A life unshared is a life unlived.  And right now I can only share parts of myself with certain people, other parts with others.

Things are nowhere near as bad as they were.  I'm not slipping into depression, I'm just feeling a bit worn out and frustrated at situations seemingly beyond my control.  Moments like this tell me a lot about myself, pointing out yet more flaws that need work.  It'll never be finished, but by God I'm going to try.

In the meantime I will endure, passing the time and trying to calm my mind and heart long enough to focus on things like my Latin and poetry studies, my short stories and novel, and the writers' group.  I can't afford to lose it, can't afford to fail, but part of me wants to.

What I probably need is just a good long cry.

Doomkitty: You've mentioned several times that you don't know how I can be happy with our current arrangement. Let me be very clear:

I only need two things from you right now, and I'm trying to get them in such a way that it's not a burden to you.

The first is that you talk to me and tell me how you feel, openly and honestly about everything, including me. Basically what I need is communication.

The second thing is that you let me love you. We have already established patterns of behavior, appropriate levels of communication and contact, and those things are a blessing to me.

I'm not asking you to love me, give to me or do anything that you don't want to do. I'm just asking for communication and acceptance of love. You don't have to do anything in return. :) That's why I keep thanking you. You're letting me talk to you. You're letting me love you, and I think it's the fact that I need to love you, not that I necessarily need love from you that is causing the confusion. I hope this clears things up for you.

Thanks!