One Year Ago @ MindSay

oh i forgot about something that has happen recently.

But im srrya bout that grusum blog earlier

ok so about a week ago before i let for indy our toilet broke and we cood pee in our own house

you dnt realize you use it so much till it is gone lol

so yeah it ended up leakin thro the floor and messed up our newly done kitchen that has been done for more than  a year now

and my mother was so mad that she has to put in another ceiling in and it hasnt been a year yet

but thankfully none of the cabnets or refrigerator was had water damage so we dont have to get ne of those new just a toilet and ceiling nut nothing major(who am i kidding i dont have a toilet) lol ok

 

 

ttfn

Randi xoxo

A year ago I walked into fear. I had to -- there wasn't anyone else who could do what needed to be done right then. and there.

You know that gross feeling you have when you have to clean up baby poop for the first time? You just can't stop to think about it. You know that it needs doing, so you just shut off your mind and get it done.  And once you do, you realize that it's something you can do again when needed. You become bulletproof to baby poop in the most dire of situations.

A year ago my situation was much, much more traumatic than baby poop.

The cop was waiting outside the house when we pulled up. It was only 10:30 but it was one of the hottest days of the year. We were all sweating -- him moreso because he had to keep his composure in his full uniform. He didn't think it right to be inside the house with us not there.  He was also too polite -- declining a cold glass of water which we offered to him. Finally, socKs all but yelled at him to take the water since it was so hot out.

We went through the door -- splintering at the deadbolt where it had been broken down two hours before.  The officer led me up the stairs to the guest room -- what used to be my brother's room. The fan was on high but it was still incredibly hot.

On the floor with a sheet partially covering her was a dead body. Her chest was still slightly exposed. mouth and eyes opened. Eyes clouded over just a bit. That purplish tinge was starting to show through on her skin.

My immediate instinct was to cover her up. Not to close her eyes or anything. Just to cover her up.

I went downstairs in shock. We talked to the officer and he left when the rabbi came over.

Then the rabbi and I went back upstairs to do the remaining portion of the Vidui prayer.  I didn't even know we had a prayer that was supposed to be said right there and then. It simply didn't cross my mind.

Then back downstairs. I dove in, not thinking about it. It just had to get done. Funeral home. Funeral. Place and time. Burial plots. Shiva. Phone calls to inform people. It just all got done. I was on autopilot.

As I was when I went upstairs to remove her jewelry. The rigor in her hands was much tougher than I thought it would be when I removed her rings.  But it had to get done.

I was a superhero that day -- while my brother and father were hours away, I swooped in and just did. I know this. My dad reminds me of this constantly.  It didn't stop there; socKs and I called a locksmith to get the door fixed that afternoon. Coincidentally, an Israeli guy who consoled my Dad in Hebrew when he came.

I thought that this series of events would make me a stronger person one year down the line.

But I don't feel stronger. If anything, I'm more fearful. Of my own mortality and that of those I love. Of not being able to take care of my family or myself adequately. I acknowledge that I'm taking some of the right steps, but I also know that there's a whole lot more for me to accomplish.

I don't want to go through this again. Ever. But I know that I will regardless. And I know I'll be the hero again. But I still don't want to go through it again.

I was thinking about a conversation I had last year. I had met this person on Mindsay. Then I realised something I had completely forgotten. I've been on Mindsay for over a year now! O.O It seems so weird. It doesn't feel like so long ago that I was having trouble figuring this place out! But here I am.

 

Funny how time flies isn't it? You don't notice how quickly until one day you look back and think "Wow. I did that how long ago??"  I looked through some family photo albums the other day and watched through tiny single shot pictures as our lives changed. Some memories were funny. Some were almost sad. But in each one there was a subtle difference.

 

Time is cruel to us all. Some live long lives, others so achingly short. The only constant in time is that we all change.

today i spent the afternoon and most ofthe evening with my grandpa and his girlfriend.  now, i should probably clue you in that my grandmother had a stroke a year ago this weekend and past away about a month after.  so it has been less than a year since she passed away, and well, i was a bit skeptical about him being a relationship with anybody.  i haveknown mary (his girlfriend) for a long time.  she goes to my church and her daughter is only a few years older than me.  yes, that means she is close to my moms age.  again, that made me very skeptical. 

but after spending the day with just the two of them, i got an opportunity to see how incredibly happy they are with each other.  it was really cool to see a relationship that seemed so cohesive, they fit so well together even though many think it is odd.  even i thought it was odd, until today.  they are both so happy.  my only problem is that i consider her part of my family the same way i consider him part of my family, but i dont know what to call her.  calling her grandpas girlfriend sounds almost degrading because she is a good friend, and i cant call her grandma because a. they aren't married, and b.  shes the same age as my mom, thats not grandma age. 

im not sure what i am going to call her, but i fully support their relationship.  i love my family, all aspects of my family.

...that October 5th was one year ag that I saw John Mayer for the first time.
MindSay was right there with me =)

Can't believe so much has happened in a year!
I met John Mayer!
Hell yes..!
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and, whoa... video blogs and photo blogs... totally cool.

and it's funny... my entry about the top blogs was with about 19 votes... and now it's gone..

what's up with that?