On My Mind @ MindSay 
my mind
The first time came right after I graduated from high school, and all I wanted to do was escape. And I did. I chose to go to college in a city many times larger than the one I grew up in. I had never once been there. I knew nothing about it. I didn't know a single soul. And to top it off I wasn't exactly the happiest of people when I went. It was hard, but in the end I think it was worth it. Then a few short years later I left that world to go down to South America. And for eight straight months I had no home and couldn't communicate as well I'd been accustomed to all my life. Parts of it were hard, but so much of it was absolutely incredible. And in the end I think it was worth it.
Well those stages of life are over and I have entered into adulthood. So much has happened, and I'm not even twenty-four. But time has passed and things have happened. And things haven't happened, and I feel at the edge of an impasse. In the past year I've been feeling like my internal values have been changing. Situations and people have forced me to ask questions, questions with answers that are not easy. But my own internal values are important to me, and if they lead me in a direction that I originally had not anticipated it would be a betrayal not to honor them.
But the path never seems to be truly clear. There are very few things I can be completely certain of in this world. But there must be more. I've been spending this last year many times saying "Someday..." Well someday is not here yet, and how many times do I have to think "Someday I will..." before "someday" becomes "today"?
Seriously I did lose 18 lbs so far... goal is 50 lbs. I am currently a few pounds off from when I first moved here... I'm trying to get to the size I was when I graduated from High school. I was such as Sexy beast lol back then.
I guess I've had alot of the stuff on my mind that I should've been posting and now it's cluttering my mind. I took a month long sabatical from dating. It was just getting ridiculous. I'm going to be turning 30 next weekend and some of my experiences lately have forced me to do things and then look at the effects of my actions. Example, two weeks ago I got so drunk at a club I was sweating buckets. This was not intentional and of course I was not there alone. The very next day, I attended a b-day party and was stone sober. I watched my friends get twisted....I didn't have that much fun lol. I'm unsure if it's because I wasn't drinking at all or if because I wasn't paired up with someone. Don't get me wrong, there's a guy interested in me in our circle of friends, but my first impression of him about a month ago was not impressive. He actually acted like decent guy..but again I think he was more sober than I. LoL
Lesson learned: I outgrew drinking excessively, although I've haven't drank like my friends for a while :)
Valentine's Day, I actually had a date, but I'm still unsure if it was worth it, since we just rented a movie to watch at his very spare apartment. The plus of the night: the guy was one of the finest men I have ever seen. Hell, the finest guy I've gone out with since I moved to this dreadful place.But ya know....pretty is what pretty does. So, yeah after a somewhat lame movie (Who is financing these damn Broken Lizard movies and why?), Tony Sunshine (A very hot Puerto Rican singer, yes the guy of story looks like him) decides to clumsily kiss and grope me. The worse kissing I've ever had. I was in shock. So, Mister Sunshine was very disappointed that he never did get to see what color and kind of drawers I had on. I left his apt shortly after he started fumbling with my belt buckle. No tact or finesse at all. If you been a long time reader of this blog you know the next line..... "...And I haven't hear from him since." But damn it he was fine as Hell!
Lesson learned: Yeah, I may look 25, but I really shouldn't expect much from fine ass 24 year olds.
There's a guy at work... Nice looking Blk guy, very uncommon looks, but handsome. I've been curious about him ever since I've started there, but I could never find out that much about him. You see, my employer is very Gay friendly, so you never know who's Gay unless you're all in their business or they volunteer it or they're flaming. I haven't had a clue if he's Gay or straight. He says Hi and Bye, but that's about it. I was told not too long ago that he's supposedly Gay. I still don't know. So, he's transferring to my department in a week and he's been around my cube a lot. I always try to play it off like I'm not curious about why he's trying to hold a conversation with me, but I am. Never thought he found me attractive, since I'm not sold on him being Gay. So, in two weeks since this transfer thing as been in the works, two people (temps) have asked me about him, as in "Does he like you?". You have to understand, my cube is not party central, normally only a few folks I'm cool with hang around me. Even the guy in the cube behind me asked me how come I don't go out with the Blk guy. I'm like dang. Of course I mention this to Abbey but she thinks he's Gay and that it's nothing. I have no idea what's up with that.
So, a couple of days ago, (we'll call him the Brotha, because he's like one of two Blk guys in the whole building, the other one's married LoL), comes over to my cube with Abbey, and we all get to talking. He mentions he's thinking of selling his condo because of the costs. I'm looking at him like are you fucking serious? You want to be a renter again? He's like....I'm too young to be a homeowner, I'll do it again when I'm older and have kids. At that moment a light bulb went off. Abbey didn't catch it but I did. He's not Gay. I know it's superficial for me to assume that but please understand that being Gay here is a lifestyle for the most part, and a lot of Gay guys here don't speak of children...only the lesibans. Very interesting. Plus, the Brotha doesn't hang out with any of the so called "Family" at work... just one specific guy and his girlfriend. Well, I guess we'll see what happens when he transfers. I don't think he's dating material since I normally do not date men I work with. But he's interesting nevertheless, since his hobbies and such are very diverse for most Blk men I've met.
Lesson learned: Different doesn't always mean Gay
I really wish I could stop focusing on my social life.... LoL. I guess everything else is a given...ya know? Working, careers, and such....you take the steps as you are supposed to and it just happens. I guess I take more interest in my social life because there are no steps and it's anything goes.
There's so much I really want to say....but I can't. Which is fucked up since that was the main reason for me posting today. So, I'll be as vague as possible and maybe that would make me feel better lol.
I've had these particular thoughts all week and I can't stop thinking about them. I wish I could but I can't. I have to just let them run their course as they normally do. My question is, when will it stop? I analyze why I have these thoughts and how come they keep coming year after year. I tell myself , you have them because you aren't doing what you want, don't have what you want, because you keep lying to yourself. I wonder if that is also a lie. Last night, before a date, I tried to take a nap....I thought of certain memories I once had. LoL, I'm not sure if they happened the way I remembered or if I just remember them the way I wanted to. I try to think if things have been different, how different would my life would have been. I hate this thought because it's like a question that no one knows for certain what the answer is. Actually, I hate all of this. I hate I have not loved anyone in four years, not even remotely close. I hate that I still think the things I do. I hate that I loved someone so hard that this the end result. Then I wonder if I do all this thinking due to where I'm at or if it's because of him period.
Lesson Learned: I'm still trying to master this one.
im planing to hang out alot just to get my mind of one thing and believe me its hard. i cant keep my mind off hurting someone that deserves to be hurt... she is rude and loud and plan disrespectful to me. she made unbelievable rummers about me. she is really ruining my life.
Hewdy...im bored so im writing in wingdings. hope you all dont mind. actually i dont really give a fuck weather u mind or not. i was trying to be polite:-). All i have to really say right now is... TARA I LOVE YOU!!!!!
It says it's being pulled & twisted & laxed & knotted up.... like the string of a well used yo-yo in the hands of a 9 year old who doesn't take the time to unwind it or even put it down for a bit. He just keeps playing with it.... pulling the windings apart & wrapping it all back up.... letting it fly off his fingers only to be tangled again due to the tension of it all.... No problem. Just pull it tighter to untangle the windings & set it all up again........
It's telling me that it needs a break. It needs to think about other things.... But it's stuck.... It's stuck on things that my heart doesn't want to stop thinking about. These things were on my mind so much that being without them wasn't even a thought. The notion was there, yet it was never fully realized. It never got beyond "it could happen." My mind never thought it would really have to think about it actually happening.... never thought it would need to deal with such a thing.... Such a difference.... Such a loss........
But now.... Now it does. It is being forced to think of the "unthinkable." Because it's here. Exactly what it never prepaired itself for.... not exactly what it didn't want, but close. It's not a total loss.... it's a substantial loss. A loss of some sort of integrity.... of substance. The loss of a sense of innocence. Something that's always been important to my heart.... and my mind.
My mind says it.... yet it doesn't know. Anything can happen. So many things.... So many things.... Things that "won't" happen.... Things that shouldn't happen.... Things that are unknown. Some things have already happened.... they make my mind reel with pain.... hurt. Yet they shouldn't. It has no right to feel as such. No right.... but a personal claim of sorts. It has a basis for the sorrow.... A right for itself, but not for another. Not worthy enough to stop these "things" from happening. Not that these things are wrong or bad. They're just not what my mind expected....Not what it wanted.... Not my mind & certainly not my heart. But they are what they are. There's nothing either my mind or my heart can do.... Not even my body. It's too late. They've all let my chance pass me by again. I have to move on.... again.
My mind says it needs a new thought.... but my heart won't let go of this one.... My mind won't let my heart let go of this one. I won't let this thought go. It means too much too me.... But I do have to make room for another.... and that's the hardest part........ I must empty part of my heart before I can have room for another thought.... Even though this is what I must do................
Empty Dreams never die.
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