Older Woman @ MindSay 
my class/test was canceled, which was an uber yay for me since i didn't study for my test, however my next class isn't till 11 x_x As for how I've been doing, well I'm back on anti-depressants (yay!) and I don't feel like dying everyday!
Right now I'm kind of going out with a MUCH older woman. I'm not really sure how I feel about it though. I think I might just like her because she adores me. She's attractive and sweet but I'm not sure if I'm feeling her that much. That's alright though. It's still nice to have some form of attention, and even better that it be a woman.
It's just that at this point in my life the idea of having any relationship with a man makes me sick to my stomach. The stereotyped gender roles just agitate me, and it seems when it comes to men I automatically fall into that quiet, submissive category and feel I need to "girl it up" alot. oh yeah, and lose like 80 pounds. but I see no need for that with a woman. Whether I gain or lose weight, look butch one day and femme another, or wear no makeup, it doesn't matter. And even if she rejects me, it doesn't sting quite so much. There aren't those questions of "if I was prettier, or thinner" etc because in the lesbian/bisexual world you would be second guessing yourself all day. And as you know, women are indecisive and insane, so i really can say I did nothing wrong.
A friend of mine on here told me that to overcome these feelings I should treat men like they're lesbians. I tried for about an hour, and gave up. It's not that I don't like men, they just seem to piss me off alot more easily. Better yet, it's easier to write someone off as a jerky muscle-head who loves skinny blondes and ignore them when truly they're a creative genius who may indeed like skinny blondes, but finds you attractive as well. It's so easy just to walk about in a bubble and block everyone out, but at the end of the day you will have lost many potential friends that could enrich your life.
today I'm going to try to break the cycle.
I realized something today....I'm not going to settle....I shouldn't have to settle for just anyone. I want more than just any ol girl....I want the woman who is going to make me happy. I know this makes me sound like an asshole...I don't know maybe it doesn't. I want the woman who gives me that feeling, and I won't stop for anything to get that feeling. I felt that feeling once but I haven't since......Not with Candace, not Bri, not with nikki, not with any of the amandas I have ever had, not with Kriscia, not with Laura, not with Ana, annie, or any of those girls....I been lookin for love in all the wrong places springs to mind. Heh....I'm done with lookin for girls.....I want a woman, which would probably explain why I've been attracted to women 5 or 6 years older than me.....There is even a woman that I seem to be just pen pals with that I'm starting to fall for, but I know it will never work...she lives over there I live over here.....She is not too much older than me about 5 years....and I know as soon as she reads this she'll probably freak out.....or maybe she'll understand....I don't know, but either way I know she may be surprised. I hate feeling like that the finishing line is inces away but I just broke my ankle.....that's why I was stsrting to feel like I would just end up settling, but no...uh-uh, not now. I won't settle, and even if I can't be with, lets call her Ms. F., I'll just keep searching until I find that woman that sparks that fire inside of me.....that great chemistry that I only have with few people. I don't believe in many things anymore, and love is fading fast.....I believe in my mom, and I believe in friendship.....to see so many people stare death in the eye and pray for God's help, and then see those prayers go unanswered, I've given up on believing A line I heard says it best....."God is the name for innocence on the lips of babes everywhere, but where children do not dwell, God does not exist." Straight from the horses mouth...mine if you didn't get that.........so yeah.....it'll take me a lot to believe in that again and if I can't find a way to find that feeling, and have that woman feel the same way then I'm just gonna start believing that love doesn't exist either. Many people will see this and think I'm out of my mind, others will think I'm just an arrogant son of a bitch.....but you know before we cn learn to fly we must first learn to stand and walk......Do I make sense to you? I believe it makes sense to me...What will you have to say to me? Will you hate me? Will you stop caring? will I be all alone? So many questions so few answers and here is one for you.......Let's see if you get the answer right.
Will you still love me in the morning?
...and she is 53. It appears I was a bit off in my guess, but oh well. Doesn't phase me much. She really doesn't look her age in the slightest. I'm sure she probably thought I was crazy, although she didn't come out and say it. All she did was answer me and then ask me my age. Smiling as always. Such a pretty smile...But there I go again.
I suppose that's really all I had to say. Farewell for now.
~Rachel