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[Blog #301] --- Depressed --- [Saturday] - FUCKING PRICK...
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For the majority of the day, I've not felt the best. I've been slightly lapsed for a while now - but Shelly did manage to cheer me up slightly. We played Canis Canem Edit together and Guitar Hero 5.
Shelly came at about 3 in the afternoon because she was spending the night after coming with us to Ian's Halloween party.
Mam had bought mini bags of Haribo Starmix for the brats who knock on the door and she said I couldn't have any - but I snaffled some when she wasn't looking. :P
Although the party was pretty good - I had a laugh with Christine, talked with Laura about film-making, talked with Mark about games - had a laugh with Lisa and her friend in the kitchen - drank a few bottles of iron brew WKD and cuddled up with Shelly on the sofa for a while - it was dad who had to go and ruin it.
And he didn't just ruin the party for me - he ruined the whole of tonight. He's SUCH a fucking ARSEHOLE.
He's starting to make me hate him again. A while back I disliked mam for being bitchy all the time, but she's settled down, she's just a knob when it suits her - but dad's a total fucking prick all the time.
And this is tripled, maybe even quadrupled when he's drunk.
He ALWAYS, without fail - will upset me when I'm drunk - but apparently he upset Christine as well - he upset Shelly by being a general arsehole, touching her up - and not just her, Lisa and Amy as well - and I know that mam wasn't best pleased with him either.
Not only this - but when we got home - Shelly and I were cuddled up on the floor and duvet pile together - some chavs had set fire to a car outside, so we had mam mooching about being generally nosey - all these fire engines and police cars going by at two in the morning with their lights and sirens going - then this inflamed car decided to start randomly EXPLODING. Shelly and I were just like SERIOUSLY WTF.
After this drama, we all settled down and tried to get back to what we were doing - dad decides to blunder about naked on the landing, throwing up all over the carpet and the suitcase by the ottoman. So he's being noisy, as well as flashing everything to Shelly who was unfortunate enough to catch a glimpse when she was going to the toilet.
And as a result of him throwing up everywhere - he kept mam awake as well as us - he was pissing about mopping everywhere up with toilet roll for about 45 minutes - then there was the racket of mam getting the mop bucket out.
It was like the first time in ages I was in a reasonable mood, I wasn't TOO depressed - thus rendering my sex drive reasonably okay - and he just had to go and turn me RIGHT off. Vomit is one of my phobias, for a start - but I couldn't feel at all comfortable knowing he was falling about like a twat on the landing outside the door and mam was dragged away to clean up after him.
I felt really sorry for her actually - I'm just glad she didn't have work on Sunday and dad did - ha, the twat, that'll fucking teach him.
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Party photos:
Me, as an evil deranged jester - and Ian as The Crow. :D
Shelly and I. :D
Mam, myself, Shelly and dad - as Yoda. :S
Amy, Dan, Ian, Mark and Laura. :D
Christine and Roger. :D
Dixie currently feels:
Depressed
Depressed -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blog #301
FUCKING PRICK...
FUCKING PRICK...
For the majority of the day, I've not felt the best. I've been slightly lapsed for a while now - but Shelly did manage to cheer me up slightly. We played Canis Canem Edit together and Guitar Hero 5.
Shelly came at about 3 in the afternoon because she was spending the night after coming with us to Ian's Halloween party.
Mam had bought mini bags of Haribo Starmix for the brats who knock on the door and she said I couldn't have any - but I snaffled some when she wasn't looking. :P
Although the party was pretty good - I had a laugh with Christine, talked with Laura about film-making, talked with Mark about games - had a laugh with Lisa and her friend in the kitchen - drank a few bottles of iron brew WKD and cuddled up with Shelly on the sofa for a while - it was dad who had to go and ruin it.
And he didn't just ruin the party for me - he ruined the whole of tonight. He's SUCH a fucking ARSEHOLE.
He's starting to make me hate him again. A while back I disliked mam for being bitchy all the time, but she's settled down, she's just a knob when it suits her - but dad's a total fucking prick all the time.
And this is tripled, maybe even quadrupled when he's drunk.
He ALWAYS, without fail - will upset me when I'm drunk - but apparently he upset Christine as well - he upset Shelly by being a general arsehole, touching her up - and not just her, Lisa and Amy as well - and I know that mam wasn't best pleased with him either.
Not only this - but when we got home - Shelly and I were cuddled up on the floor and duvet pile together - some chavs had set fire to a car outside, so we had mam mooching about being generally nosey - all these fire engines and police cars going by at two in the morning with their lights and sirens going - then this inflamed car decided to start randomly EXPLODING. Shelly and I were just like SERIOUSLY WTF.
After this drama, we all settled down and tried to get back to what we were doing - dad decides to blunder about naked on the landing, throwing up all over the carpet and the suitcase by the ottoman. So he's being noisy, as well as flashing everything to Shelly who was unfortunate enough to catch a glimpse when she was going to the toilet.
And as a result of him throwing up everywhere - he kept mam awake as well as us - he was pissing about mopping everywhere up with toilet roll for about 45 minutes - then there was the racket of mam getting the mop bucket out.
It was like the first time in ages I was in a reasonable mood, I wasn't TOO depressed - thus rendering my sex drive reasonably okay - and he just had to go and turn me RIGHT off. Vomit is one of my phobias, for a start - but I couldn't feel at all comfortable knowing he was falling about like a twat on the landing outside the door and mam was dragged away to clean up after him.
I felt really sorry for her actually - I'm just glad she didn't have work on Sunday and dad did - ha, the twat, that'll fucking teach him.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Party photos:
Me, as an evil deranged jester - and Ian as The Crow. :D
Shelly and I. :D
Mam, myself, Shelly and dad - as Yoda. :S
Amy, Dan, Ian, Mark and Laura. :D
Christine and Roger. :D
October Newsletter
October Newsletter
Fall 2009, Vol. 52
Tree of Life Reiki Center
To all our friends, and fellow Reiki Practitioner’s from around the world International and Domestic welcome to our fall edition of Tree of Life Reiki Newsletter.
Fall has finally arrived! Well not entirely, for those of us living in the desert southwest are still experiencing temperatures above 100 degrees. Mornings and late evenings are beginning to cool down somewhat so surely fall can’t be to far away? Across the rest of the continental US, fall is descending, bringing all of the changing colors to the trees and foliage. Snow has already fallen in some locations. This summer saw many records broken in the desert southwest for extreme heat, and the number of days having 100 plus degree temperatures,
so we are most anxiously awaiting more moderate fall.
Reiki and Other Healing Modalities Questions & Answers: Please e-mail us any questions you might have regarding our classes, or perhaps you have specific questions about Reiki. We will do our best to answer them in upcoming newsletters.
Question: These questions have been asked many times, so I thought perhaps this would be a good opportunity to provide everyone with additional information on the subject of Grounding and Negative Energy.
Answer #1: Grounding
Anytime you feel spacey or disoriented it is a good idea to ground and center yourself. The first step in many spiritual practices is to learn to ground, that is to connect yourself energetically to the core of the Earth even when you wish to astral travel or meditate you will find that beginning from being grounded will help you with inner focus.
Whatever your beliefs are this simple practice can make a huge difference in your life. There are many techniques for grounding and it is wise to look for those that work best for you.
The essence of most methods is to relax and visualize yourself sending an energy cord or light beam into the earth from your root chakra (at the tailbone) and allowing it to reach the earth core. Thus allowing you to get energy from the Earth and return excess energy down the cord. The energy you send down the cord that is not your own is cleansed and used by the earth. Your own energy is cleansed and returned to you. There are spirit beings that thrive on clearing negative energy. A classic form of grounding is to imagine roots growing into the Earth from your feet and spinal column or central energy channel. Some traditions strongly prefer that you ground from the spinal center and not from the feet. I follow the tradition of asking the Earth for permission and thanking her for her healing energy.
Answer #2: Negative Energy
I sometimes have a hard time trying to get rid of some negative energy especially after treating clients. Every time you have an emotional contact with anyone, you create an attachment point to him or her. A cord of energy or chakra cord. Ask to heal the areas where the cords were attached and create a shield around each chakra to prevent further attachments. You can also if possible take a sea salt bath to remove negative energy. Rinse yourself down with the warm water and watch the water go down the drain, taking your negative energy with it.
There are no hard and fast rules.
New Training Courses:
Many new courses have been added to our Tree Of Life Reiki web site this past quarter. Money River Reiki, Money Reiki for a new Reality, Success Flush Reiki just to name a few, A very important new class you might want to take a closer look at is titled: Starburst New Beginnings by Founder Linda Colibert
Star Burst New Beginnings Reiki connects you to the energies of a StarBurst and is the creative energies of new beginnings. Life is born of the burst of energy that happens when a star goes nova and bursts spraying out particles into the atmosphere. These energies create matter and are the result of changes, death of the old, and rebirth of the new. Star Burst New Beginnings Reiki works with these energies to help you bring about changes for the better, creativity, and New Beginnings. Read more about this course and other new offerings on our web site at: http://www.treeoflifereiki.com
Our Incredible Moon:
October Moon is A Waxing Crescent Moon, currently 7% of the full Moon.
October's Harvest Moon
Every few years, the full moon closest to the equinox that earns the name of the Harvest Moon falls in October instead of September. This is one of those years. The moon reaches full stage at 2:10 a.m. EDT on October 4, 2009. On the West Coast of the United States, the full moon occurs just before midnight on October 3. For observers in North America who watch the moonrise at sunset, the moon will look fullest on the 3rd.
On October 7, two hours after sunset, the moon will rise near the Pleiades star cluster. On October 26, the bright point of light by the moon is Jupiter, which shines at magnitude -2.6. Halloween, October 31, will not host the full moon, but it will be 95%-lit because the next full moon is only two days later. The time of sunset on Halloween depends on location. For example, Chicago will see the sun set at 5:45 p.m. while down in Houston the sun will set an hour later, at 6:35 p.m.
Halloween Night:
October 31st (Halloween) is a favorite time celebrated by many in the United States. On that night children (and many adults) dress up in their favorite costumes and masks. Some choosing to dress as Witches, Ghosts, Devils, etc, etc. some in scary dress while others dress in funny attire, or to look like famous celebrity or even political figures. Once dressed they attend local Halloween parties or many children go door to door in their respective neighborhoods “Trick or Treating” each child must carry a bag or something capable of holding candy and treats that are passed out to them at each home they choose to visit. Most neighbors participating in the one night festivity will leave their porch lights a glow to welcome the young “Trick or Treaters.” This is a tradition that I remember taking part in myself as a child, and now as an adult continue in that tradition by passing out treats to children who ring or knock at our door. The one night event usually begins soon after sunset and ends within a few hours 3-4 at most. We do try to keep an adequate supply of treats on hand to support the children’s fun. Sometimes depending on the number of children going door to door, we have run out of candy treats, so we simply let them know by turning off our porch or outside lights and then they pass us on by. I have included a short poem here of those childhood memories.
Halloween Memories
By Bob Eagleton
Halloween nights, I remember them well,
And the scary stories we all would tell.
Of ghosts and goblins, and vampire bats,
Witches riding brooms with big black cats.
Masquerade parties with games and fun,
With plenty of good treats for everyone.
I’m all grown up now, that’s all in my past,
But those Halloween memories forever will last
A Closing Thought:
Abraham Quote:
You are magnificent beings, in the perfect place at the perfect time, unfolding perfectly, never getting it done, and never getting it wrong. Be more playful about all of it. "Today, no matter where I'm going, no matter what I am doing, and no matter who I'm doing it with -- it is my dominant intent to look for that which I'm wanting to see. I'm wanting to find thoughts and words and actions that feel good while I'm finding them. For in doing so, I am, in the moment, practicing the art of allowing all that I've been telling the Universe I'm wanting, for all of the days of my existence.
--- Abraham
courtesy of: http://www.abraham-hicks.com/
Love, Light, Joy & Blessings,
Wanda….
E-mail us at: info@treeoflifereiki.com or visit our web site http://www.treeoflifereiki.com
Fall 2009, Vol. 52
Tree of Life Reiki Center
To all our friends, and fellow Reiki Practitioner’s from around the world International and Domestic welcome to our fall edition of Tree of Life Reiki Newsletter.
Fall has finally arrived! Well not entirely, for those of us living in the desert southwest are still experiencing temperatures above 100 degrees. Mornings and late evenings are beginning to cool down somewhat so surely fall can’t be to far away? Across the rest of the continental US, fall is descending, bringing all of the changing colors to the trees and foliage. Snow has already fallen in some locations. This summer saw many records broken in the desert southwest for extreme heat, and the number of days having 100 plus degree temperatures,
so we are most anxiously awaiting more moderate fall.
Reiki and Other Healing Modalities Questions & Answers: Please e-mail us any questions you might have regarding our classes, or perhaps you have specific questions about Reiki. We will do our best to answer them in upcoming newsletters.
Question: These questions have been asked many times, so I thought perhaps this would be a good opportunity to provide everyone with additional information on the subject of Grounding and Negative Energy.
Answer #1: Grounding
Anytime you feel spacey or disoriented it is a good idea to ground and center yourself. The first step in many spiritual practices is to learn to ground, that is to connect yourself energetically to the core of the Earth even when you wish to astral travel or meditate you will find that beginning from being grounded will help you with inner focus.
Whatever your beliefs are this simple practice can make a huge difference in your life. There are many techniques for grounding and it is wise to look for those that work best for you.
The essence of most methods is to relax and visualize yourself sending an energy cord or light beam into the earth from your root chakra (at the tailbone) and allowing it to reach the earth core. Thus allowing you to get energy from the Earth and return excess energy down the cord. The energy you send down the cord that is not your own is cleansed and used by the earth. Your own energy is cleansed and returned to you. There are spirit beings that thrive on clearing negative energy. A classic form of grounding is to imagine roots growing into the Earth from your feet and spinal column or central energy channel. Some traditions strongly prefer that you ground from the spinal center and not from the feet. I follow the tradition of asking the Earth for permission and thanking her for her healing energy.
Answer #2: Negative Energy
I sometimes have a hard time trying to get rid of some negative energy especially after treating clients. Every time you have an emotional contact with anyone, you create an attachment point to him or her. A cord of energy or chakra cord. Ask to heal the areas where the cords were attached and create a shield around each chakra to prevent further attachments. You can also if possible take a sea salt bath to remove negative energy. Rinse yourself down with the warm water and watch the water go down the drain, taking your negative energy with it.
There are no hard and fast rules.
New Training Courses:
Many new courses have been added to our Tree Of Life Reiki web site this past quarter. Money River Reiki, Money Reiki for a new Reality, Success Flush Reiki just to name a few, A very important new class you might want to take a closer look at is titled: Starburst New Beginnings by Founder Linda Colibert
Star Burst New Beginnings Reiki connects you to the energies of a StarBurst and is the creative energies of new beginnings. Life is born of the burst of energy that happens when a star goes nova and bursts spraying out particles into the atmosphere. These energies create matter and are the result of changes, death of the old, and rebirth of the new. Star Burst New Beginnings Reiki works with these energies to help you bring about changes for the better, creativity, and New Beginnings. Read more about this course and other new offerings on our web site at: http://www.treeoflifereiki.com
Our Incredible Moon:
October Moon is A Waxing Crescent Moon, currently 7% of the full Moon.
October's Harvest Moon
Every few years, the full moon closest to the equinox that earns the name of the Harvest Moon falls in October instead of September. This is one of those years. The moon reaches full stage at 2:10 a.m. EDT on October 4, 2009. On the West Coast of the United States, the full moon occurs just before midnight on October 3. For observers in North America who watch the moonrise at sunset, the moon will look fullest on the 3rd.
On October 7, two hours after sunset, the moon will rise near the Pleiades star cluster. On October 26, the bright point of light by the moon is Jupiter, which shines at magnitude -2.6. Halloween, October 31, will not host the full moon, but it will be 95%-lit because the next full moon is only two days later. The time of sunset on Halloween depends on location. For example, Chicago will see the sun set at 5:45 p.m. while down in Houston the sun will set an hour later, at 6:35 p.m.
Halloween Night:
October 31st (Halloween) is a favorite time celebrated by many in the United States. On that night children (and many adults) dress up in their favorite costumes and masks. Some choosing to dress as Witches, Ghosts, Devils, etc, etc. some in scary dress while others dress in funny attire, or to look like famous celebrity or even political figures. Once dressed they attend local Halloween parties or many children go door to door in their respective neighborhoods “Trick or Treating” each child must carry a bag or something capable of holding candy and treats that are passed out to them at each home they choose to visit. Most neighbors participating in the one night festivity will leave their porch lights a glow to welcome the young “Trick or Treaters.” This is a tradition that I remember taking part in myself as a child, and now as an adult continue in that tradition by passing out treats to children who ring or knock at our door. The one night event usually begins soon after sunset and ends within a few hours 3-4 at most. We do try to keep an adequate supply of treats on hand to support the children’s fun. Sometimes depending on the number of children going door to door, we have run out of candy treats, so we simply let them know by turning off our porch or outside lights and then they pass us on by. I have included a short poem here of those childhood memories.
Halloween Memories
By Bob Eagleton
Halloween nights, I remember them well,
And the scary stories we all would tell.
Of ghosts and goblins, and vampire bats,
Witches riding brooms with big black cats.
Masquerade parties with games and fun,
With plenty of good treats for everyone.
I’m all grown up now, that’s all in my past,
But those Halloween memories forever will last
A Closing Thought:
Abraham Quote:
You are magnificent beings, in the perfect place at the perfect time, unfolding perfectly, never getting it done, and never getting it wrong. Be more playful about all of it. "Today, no matter where I'm going, no matter what I am doing, and no matter who I'm doing it with -- it is my dominant intent to look for that which I'm wanting to see. I'm wanting to find thoughts and words and actions that feel good while I'm finding them. For in doing so, I am, in the moment, practicing the art of allowing all that I've been telling the Universe I'm wanting, for all of the days of my existence.
--- Abraham
courtesy of: http://www.abraham-hicks.com/
Love, Light, Joy & Blessings,
Wanda….
E-mail us at: info@treeoflifereiki.com or visit our web site http://www.treeoflifereiki.com
[Blog #279] --- Depressed --- [Sunday] - Sunday Stuffz
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Despite having no major events happen today that would normally have upset me, the mood from last week carried on over. I felt okay yesterday because I had company - but today I had no distractions, other than my PS2.
I took it along again with me and spent most of the day playing Guitar Hero II and Parappa The Rapper 2. Some of the levels are going to be ridicuously hard to get COOL ranking.
I went over to Costcutters with grandad to buy horseradish sauce and instant mashed potatoes. I said to nana I'd have gone by myself, but grandad was insistent that he came too.
There was a mob of baby chavs outside, setting up "penny for the guy" dolls. It's fucking October!
"Penny for Halloween" would make more sense, but even so - they're just dirty scrounging fuckers.
There was more polony sausage for tea today. Nana hasn't got any for a while. It was so yum. :)
And she'd made fairy cakes and lemon sponge cake - boy was it fucking nectar. :D
Oooh, and she's gotten an e-mail from Play.com - apparently Abigail II: The Revenge has been shipped and I should be getting it pretty soon. Excited like. :D
Dixie currently feels:
Depressed
Depressed -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blog #279
Sunday Stuffz
Sunday Stuffz
Despite having no major events happen today that would normally have upset me, the mood from last week carried on over. I felt okay yesterday because I had company - but today I had no distractions, other than my PS2.
I took it along again with me and spent most of the day playing Guitar Hero II and Parappa The Rapper 2. Some of the levels are going to be ridicuously hard to get COOL ranking.
I went over to Costcutters with grandad to buy horseradish sauce and instant mashed potatoes. I said to nana I'd have gone by myself, but grandad was insistent that he came too.
There was a mob of baby chavs outside, setting up "penny for the guy" dolls. It's fucking October!
"Penny for Halloween" would make more sense, but even so - they're just dirty scrounging fuckers.
There was more polony sausage for tea today. Nana hasn't got any for a while. It was so yum. :)
And she'd made fairy cakes and lemon sponge cake - boy was it fucking nectar. :D
Oooh, and she's gotten an e-mail from Play.com - apparently Abigail II: The Revenge has been shipped and I should be getting it pretty soon. Excited like. :D
October Blues
My head is still cloudy, my eyes swollen, my face flushed with heat, and my chest heavy with the pains of sorrow. I find myself constantly hiding in bed under my blankets trying to chase away tears. I know there are people who care about and love me, but my body goes through this terrible grief at this time of year. My moods are swinging like a hanged man -- one moment I'm well, the next I'm howling from emotional pain. It's my crazy again. I just admitted myself into the hospital ER this evening. I kinda hobbled in, hyperventilating, choaking on my tears, vomitting up what I just ate, and looking a complete wreck. What triggered this?
An argument over money with my brother. I need to survive on more than $20 a week. He refused to give me anything more than that. I made a list of everything I need to buy. It still didn't matter. My brother refused to budge. But it wasn't really about the money. After he spent more than a week very deathly ill with the H1N1 flu virus (scaring me half to death) I patiently waited for him to be well, waiting constantly by the phone for updates from him. When he's finally well enough to go out to eat, he's a complete sour puss, talking down to me, and flat out insulting me in front of strangers. He tries to apologize, but it gets under my skin.
I love to share my artwork with friends and I consider my brother one of my best friends, but after we get a table and sit down to talk, I pull out my sketchbook to show him my latest illustrated ideas. He scoffs at it and then asks, "Why do I have to look at this?" I almost break into tears. I scoff back with, "You're just like our other relatives, Star, not interested in anything I do. One day you'll regret that." He just gently tells me to shut-up because he's just gotten over the flu and needs silence. "This is why I didn't want to eat out," he says long after we've ordered food and sat down. I can understand being grumpy after being sick, but... my feelings get hurt anyway.
I hold back anything else I could say that would be nasty and maybe that's not such a good thing. Holding back hurt tends to build it up. So all my concern for my brother's well being and my eagerness to share with him after I'm happy he's well is shattered by his sour pussing put-me-downs. I begin to feel like if I can't have my brother's care and approval, how can anyone else really care about me? A dark cloud begins to overshadow the entire day. The more time I spent with my brother, the more he made it clear that spending time with me was a chore he desparately wanted to be over and done with. It's that kind of attitude that compells me to be an introvert.
Why does my family treat me this way? Why can't I have their support and love? Why don't they love my drawings and creations the way my friends do?
After we argued over the money (I have over $300 in the bank, mind you, enough to pay bills and have some fun) I literally exited my brother's car and took off for the hospital because an anxiety fit was coming on. It started to feel like the whole world was crashing down on me and the only place I felt safe was the hospital. By the time I got to the front desk I was sobbing so hard I couldn't articulate what I was going through. Even though I kept telling her not to fuss over me because I'm just depressed, the receptionist felt bad for me and walked me over to the ER. On the way, I nearly lost my dinner, throwing up half of it on the carpet and just feeling very pathetic.
I felt worse in the waiting area trying to control my emotions. There was a little boy nearby who was screaming and he paused when he saw me, an adult, weeping as bad, if not worse, than he was! I laughed while crying, mirroring my own, his eyes twinkled with tears and for a meek little second he seemed to crack a shocked smile back at me, as if his heart were pointing out to his mother, "Hey, Mom, I didn't know grown ups could weep worse than me!"
There's nothing worse than going to the ER for anxiety. Only a psychiatrist can handle you if you're mentally ill, a regular doctor on call at the ER can only pat your shoulder, so to speak. But it's better to have a breakdown in a hospital than it is to just go ape shit on the street. The doctor I did see had asshole bedside manner, making me feel like the anxiety is all in my head, but, hey, "take this pill and go home to relax" and once again I'm left feeling like a problem easily shook off his shoulders.
The nurses on staff tonight all had wonderful bedside manner and were happy to try to distract me from my weeping fit. One way to distract me was to turn on the television and watch the history channel! And the first thing I did with the meesly $20 my brother gave me was rent a few movies. It abates the loneliness and fuels my creativity, but I'm still left with the after taste of sorrow.
As I write this, I begin to figure out what else could be bothering me at this time. October is a month when a lot of violence and emotional break-ups happened to me in both my recent and distant past. The only joy I get out of October is Halloween and Samhain -- the dressing up, the candy, the horror movies that go on sale, and dreaming up ways to decorate my altar, creating spells, working out a list of things I'm thankful for and wish for, blahdee blahdee da! But no matter how much I put it in the back of my mind, my heart skips several beats and my body remembers better than I do what I have survived and I get all bent over with grief. I spend a lot of time in bed this time of year, making me feel all the more of a loser. What can I do to shake out of this?
For the time being, I'm making a mix CD of my favorite haunted house themed music and keeping my chin up believing that nothing can get worse now. Okay, so I have less than $20 to keep me comfy for the rest of the month, or at least until my brother (my payee representative who is the only person authorized to handle my finances until I'm deemed less crazy) decides to agree with me that I need more, so I should make the most of it, right? *grumbles*
Right now I want to just want Taco Bell for supper. I think that is what I'll do. I want to write more off my shoulders, but after re-reading midway through this post, I feel the need to end on a cheery note so friends don't worry about me. I don't often like to write out my feelings this much on my blog anymore. I try to make it a goal to post mostly my art and keep positive about the future. I ache to show off to myself, if no one else, that I am keeping productive, even though I'm not making money and feel the urge to push myself harder to submit my work to publishers. But the act of producing art has a way of keeping me sane and I don't need the rejection of publishers to take away the joy I get out of drawing. I want so BADLY to tell my stories and share my characters with the rest of the world because I really do believe you all will love them, so I create with much emotion, obsessing over details and taking a long while to form ideas and images, etc. Besides feeling sorry for myself, I really feel bad that I am not mentally and emotionally well enough right now to network.
Perhaps I just need to be a little more gentle and patient with myself?
An argument over money with my brother. I need to survive on more than $20 a week. He refused to give me anything more than that. I made a list of everything I need to buy. It still didn't matter. My brother refused to budge. But it wasn't really about the money. After he spent more than a week very deathly ill with the H1N1 flu virus (scaring me half to death) I patiently waited for him to be well, waiting constantly by the phone for updates from him. When he's finally well enough to go out to eat, he's a complete sour puss, talking down to me, and flat out insulting me in front of strangers. He tries to apologize, but it gets under my skin.
I love to share my artwork with friends and I consider my brother one of my best friends, but after we get a table and sit down to talk, I pull out my sketchbook to show him my latest illustrated ideas. He scoffs at it and then asks, "Why do I have to look at this?" I almost break into tears. I scoff back with, "You're just like our other relatives, Star, not interested in anything I do. One day you'll regret that." He just gently tells me to shut-up because he's just gotten over the flu and needs silence. "This is why I didn't want to eat out," he says long after we've ordered food and sat down. I can understand being grumpy after being sick, but... my feelings get hurt anyway.
I hold back anything else I could say that would be nasty and maybe that's not such a good thing. Holding back hurt tends to build it up. So all my concern for my brother's well being and my eagerness to share with him after I'm happy he's well is shattered by his sour pussing put-me-downs. I begin to feel like if I can't have my brother's care and approval, how can anyone else really care about me? A dark cloud begins to overshadow the entire day. The more time I spent with my brother, the more he made it clear that spending time with me was a chore he desparately wanted to be over and done with. It's that kind of attitude that compells me to be an introvert.
Why does my family treat me this way? Why can't I have their support and love? Why don't they love my drawings and creations the way my friends do?
After we argued over the money (I have over $300 in the bank, mind you, enough to pay bills and have some fun) I literally exited my brother's car and took off for the hospital because an anxiety fit was coming on. It started to feel like the whole world was crashing down on me and the only place I felt safe was the hospital. By the time I got to the front desk I was sobbing so hard I couldn't articulate what I was going through. Even though I kept telling her not to fuss over me because I'm just depressed, the receptionist felt bad for me and walked me over to the ER. On the way, I nearly lost my dinner, throwing up half of it on the carpet and just feeling very pathetic.
I felt worse in the waiting area trying to control my emotions. There was a little boy nearby who was screaming and he paused when he saw me, an adult, weeping as bad, if not worse, than he was! I laughed while crying, mirroring my own, his eyes twinkled with tears and for a meek little second he seemed to crack a shocked smile back at me, as if his heart were pointing out to his mother, "Hey, Mom, I didn't know grown ups could weep worse than me!"
There's nothing worse than going to the ER for anxiety. Only a psychiatrist can handle you if you're mentally ill, a regular doctor on call at the ER can only pat your shoulder, so to speak. But it's better to have a breakdown in a hospital than it is to just go ape shit on the street. The doctor I did see had asshole bedside manner, making me feel like the anxiety is all in my head, but, hey, "take this pill and go home to relax" and once again I'm left feeling like a problem easily shook off his shoulders.
The nurses on staff tonight all had wonderful bedside manner and were happy to try to distract me from my weeping fit. One way to distract me was to turn on the television and watch the history channel! And the first thing I did with the meesly $20 my brother gave me was rent a few movies. It abates the loneliness and fuels my creativity, but I'm still left with the after taste of sorrow.
As I write this, I begin to figure out what else could be bothering me at this time. October is a month when a lot of violence and emotional break-ups happened to me in both my recent and distant past. The only joy I get out of October is Halloween and Samhain -- the dressing up, the candy, the horror movies that go on sale, and dreaming up ways to decorate my altar, creating spells, working out a list of things I'm thankful for and wish for, blahdee blahdee da! But no matter how much I put it in the back of my mind, my heart skips several beats and my body remembers better than I do what I have survived and I get all bent over with grief. I spend a lot of time in bed this time of year, making me feel all the more of a loser. What can I do to shake out of this?
For the time being, I'm making a mix CD of my favorite haunted house themed music and keeping my chin up believing that nothing can get worse now. Okay, so I have less than $20 to keep me comfy for the rest of the month, or at least until my brother (my payee representative who is the only person authorized to handle my finances until I'm deemed less crazy) decides to agree with me that I need more, so I should make the most of it, right? *grumbles*
Right now I want to just want Taco Bell for supper. I think that is what I'll do. I want to write more off my shoulders, but after re-reading midway through this post, I feel the need to end on a cheery note so friends don't worry about me. I don't often like to write out my feelings this much on my blog anymore. I try to make it a goal to post mostly my art and keep positive about the future. I ache to show off to myself, if no one else, that I am keeping productive, even though I'm not making money and feel the urge to push myself harder to submit my work to publishers. But the act of producing art has a way of keeping me sane and I don't need the rejection of publishers to take away the joy I get out of drawing. I want so BADLY to tell my stories and share my characters with the rest of the world because I really do believe you all will love them, so I create with much emotion, obsessing over details and taking a long while to form ideas and images, etc. Besides feeling sorry for myself, I really feel bad that I am not mentally and emotionally well enough right now to network.
Perhaps I just need to be a little more gentle and patient with myself?
Somebody I 'Forgot' To Tell You About...
Well, I really shouldn't say that I 'forgot' to tell you about somebody. I suppose you could say I saved this blog entry to tell you about her.
Unfortunatley, it's been a week since I last... 'talked' to her, I suppose you could say. It's been a week since I've felt comfortable around her.
Her name's Dixie. I split our close bond up, for many personal reasons. We were really close. How do some people describe it? 'Tight'? Is that it? ....Really doesn't seem down my alley, though. I didn`t put her in my blog list in the previous entry because I thought I would mention her in my second entry.
I can't really describe why I broke up our friendship. I suppose I was just getting fed up with the way I was being treated. I was becoming irritated with being treated terribly, and I was getting sufficently annoyed at the fact I couldn't help her. I was just getting upset in general, and I noticed that the amount of good times we used to have were slowly and gradually decreasing as time went by.
We first met in October 2006, online, over a writer's website. Sooner than later, we discovered we had so much in common... For a long while, she was the only one that I could talk to about anything - including the problems that life brought me.
But in February 2007, that changed. A big issue came up, and it left tears streaming down my face. I had never been so heartbroken, or so hurt, in my lifetime.
That was when I should have left it alone. Little did I know that all sorts of things were going to pop up, things I wouldn't be able to handle on my own, and things that I wouldn't be able to fix or make better. As 2007 and 2008 quickly progressed, I soon came to realize that I wasn't myself anymore. I had a haunting pain within me that was eating at my insides, and up until the end of 2008, it destroyed so much of me that it came to a point where I just didn't care anymore.
Most people don't know what it's like to have your innocence stolen, and to have your mind raped by voices that you never thought lived within you. Many don't know what it's like to feel like some monster has devoured the you that has now been left in the past.
The experience I shared with her changed me, in both positive and negative ways. In November 2008, people soon advised me that I didn't have to go through all these distraught nights, or I didn't have to live with all these mind games - ....for a price. I had to leave in order to achieve that.
...But I didn't want to leave. For the longest while, I felt like I had finally belonged somewhere. I felt wanted and loved, but soon enough, I knew I wasn't safe.
In the last weeks of December, I knew in my gut that I had to end everything between us. But I didn't know how, and I knew I would never be able to handle the aftermath that would accompany me.
January arrived, and on the 11th, I departed. I congratulated myself, knowing that was a very big step for me to take.
When I went to bed that night, I felt like my mind was missing completley. My mind didn't feel like it was physically there. I couldn`t daydream for more than five seconds without the dreams in my secret void suddenly dissappearing.
It's been a week since then. I'll just say that it's certainly been a rollercoaster. I can never go a day now without feeling content. A large part of me strongly wants to talk to her still, and another large part is saying that I just need a little break.
...But I can't go back. Nor, will I go back. I stepped out that door; into the dark, freezing cold world, and I embarked on yet another journey to find another purpose. The road is long, and nobody said it was going to be easy. But I'm ready to move on, now. That`s not to say that she won't forever remain within my mind. A shared friendship like hers certainly won't be forgotten.
P.S: If she's reading, I DIDN'T copy you. You have your blog, and I have mine. I have been working on my previous entry long before you made your blog. Plus, it's one of my side goals to have one. So, please, with all due respect, just leave your accusations out of this.
P.S.S: Many thanks to all those who left comments! I wasn't expecting them at all, so thanks for being so generous! ^^
Unfortunatley, it's been a week since I last... 'talked' to her, I suppose you could say. It's been a week since I've felt comfortable around her.
Her name's Dixie. I split our close bond up, for many personal reasons. We were really close. How do some people describe it? 'Tight'? Is that it? ....Really doesn't seem down my alley, though. I didn`t put her in my blog list in the previous entry because I thought I would mention her in my second entry.
I can't really describe why I broke up our friendship. I suppose I was just getting fed up with the way I was being treated. I was becoming irritated with being treated terribly, and I was getting sufficently annoyed at the fact I couldn't help her. I was just getting upset in general, and I noticed that the amount of good times we used to have were slowly and gradually decreasing as time went by.
We first met in October 2006, online, over a writer's website. Sooner than later, we discovered we had so much in common... For a long while, she was the only one that I could talk to about anything - including the problems that life brought me.
But in February 2007, that changed. A big issue came up, and it left tears streaming down my face. I had never been so heartbroken, or so hurt, in my lifetime.
That was when I should have left it alone. Little did I know that all sorts of things were going to pop up, things I wouldn't be able to handle on my own, and things that I wouldn't be able to fix or make better. As 2007 and 2008 quickly progressed, I soon came to realize that I wasn't myself anymore. I had a haunting pain within me that was eating at my insides, and up until the end of 2008, it destroyed so much of me that it came to a point where I just didn't care anymore.
Most people don't know what it's like to have your innocence stolen, and to have your mind raped by voices that you never thought lived within you. Many don't know what it's like to feel like some monster has devoured the you that has now been left in the past.
The experience I shared with her changed me, in both positive and negative ways. In November 2008, people soon advised me that I didn't have to go through all these distraught nights, or I didn't have to live with all these mind games - ....for a price. I had to leave in order to achieve that.
...But I didn't want to leave. For the longest while, I felt like I had finally belonged somewhere. I felt wanted and loved, but soon enough, I knew I wasn't safe.
In the last weeks of December, I knew in my gut that I had to end everything between us. But I didn't know how, and I knew I would never be able to handle the aftermath that would accompany me.
January arrived, and on the 11th, I departed. I congratulated myself, knowing that was a very big step for me to take.
When I went to bed that night, I felt like my mind was missing completley. My mind didn't feel like it was physically there. I couldn`t daydream for more than five seconds without the dreams in my secret void suddenly dissappearing.
It's been a week since then. I'll just say that it's certainly been a rollercoaster. I can never go a day now without feeling content. A large part of me strongly wants to talk to her still, and another large part is saying that I just need a little break.
...But I can't go back. Nor, will I go back. I stepped out that door; into the dark, freezing cold world, and I embarked on yet another journey to find another purpose. The road is long, and nobody said it was going to be easy. But I'm ready to move on, now. That`s not to say that she won't forever remain within my mind. A shared friendship like hers certainly won't be forgotten.
P.S: If she's reading, I DIDN'T copy you. You have your blog, and I have mine. I have been working on my previous entry long before you made your blog. Plus, it's one of my side goals to have one. So, please, with all due respect, just leave your accusations out of this.
P.S.S: Many thanks to all those who left comments! I wasn't expecting them at all, so thanks for being so generous! ^^
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