Ocd @ MindSay

As of today, it's been three weeks since I've pulled my head hair! I'm really happy about it :D. I "feel" my bald spots every couple days and I can feel some hair coming in. Unfortunately, it's growing really slowly, but I guess that's what happens when you pull out hair from the roots: your hair has to grow back the root, the little beginning of the hair underneath the scalp, and then finally the hair that you see outside the scalp.

I'm still pulling from my eyelashes and eyebrows, but I haven't pulled too much out. I'd still like to stop it, but I have other things to worry about changing...mainly my work habits in school...I can't fail this year! But I'm thinking of using this weekend as a "catch up weekend". I'm hoping it'll work. I've planned stuff like this in the past many many many times before, but I was always too much of a lazy ass to do anything. However, I got my social worker at school behind me on this (she suggested it), so maybe this time will be different...

Oh! Speaking about counseling, I finally got my letter from St. Joe's (the hospital)! I don't think I mentioned this in the past, but I'm going to go to a real counselor to help me with my trichotillomania and especially with my work initiative. The letter says I have to call to make an appointment, but the hours according to the answering machine are 8am-4pm, so I got to get up early tomorrow to call. Fat chance I'll do that, but I'll try.

I have no idea how long it'll be till I can get into see the counselor, but I hope it's within a month. I want to try and better myself as soon as possible.

-Kristal

..of the pep rally, despite the threats of being dragged to the office from the principal over the intercom.

I got my lab done, but I did it in Physics Class and at lunch, which to me is almost as worse as not doing it at all or handing it in late, because it just took me away from other work I should have been doing... >___>.

Whatever, it is my own damn fault. I don't deserve sympathy for neglecting my priorities.

Anywho, so day 3 with playdough and still only 1 eyelash pulled and that was on the first day with it. Unfortunately I pulled so much out the previous days before the playdough that I can no longer successfully hide all my bald spots. But yet again this is my own damn fault and I don't deserve sympathy for this. I just thought I'd inform the internet over my petty little problems like every other spoiled teenager.

Ugh negative thoughts..saying shit about me being a spoiled teenager is almost as bad as me bitching about my problems, because it is yet another attention thing. *sigh*.

But anywho, I'm out for now, and hopefully the next time I blog (which will be probably in a few days) I'll be a better person.

Till then,

-Kristal

...And so now it's time for me to blog!

How is it half way through September already? I guess when one daydreams like me time gets away from you...

Schools been...well...school. I've gotten back into my old ways of procrastination and I've already fucked up a couple quizzes and am probably at least a week behind. Good fucking job, Kristal...

But I guess its better to have my "wake up call" now than a month or so from now. If I really kick my ass into gear I can get things done. I talked to my counselor about my laziness at school (among another things…I will get into that later in the blog) and she gave me some great advice. She said to stop thinking in the past and live "here and now" and that thought has been swimming around in my head since yesterday when she said it. It's so very true...I daydream and worry a ridiculous amount, and it really does prevent me from doing my schoolwork, because I end up thinking my daydreams and reflecting on the past for hours on end is more important than work. I literally make up scenarios in my head about things I have done/may do in the future and think about what my friends and family will do if they find out, and I do that several hours a day everyday. Its fun to do but its becoming a real interference with my priorities.

I think I'm going to take her advice and try to plan out my priorities a few days at a time. When I mean, “plan” though, I do not mean "At 6:30 I have to do ____, at 7:00 I have to do ____" because that will just be too structured for me-I like to be spontaneous. What I mean by planning is that "I have to do ___, ___ and ____ today". I think that will work much better for me.

My counselor also gave me some play dough and its really been helping with my trichotillomania. In the past 48 hours I have only pulled out 1 eyelash (No head hair!:D). It keeps my left hand busy and therefore impossible for me to pull. It’s amazing what a difference something so simple can make.

Anyways, I better stop this procrastination and do my lab (hopefully D:). I'll try posting with new trich pics soon... Just a warning though, my bald spots have gotten pretty bad...*sigh*.

-Kristal

Sex is in the brain. The kind of sex that is wet and noisy and muscle cramping and not the kind of sex that is penis and vagina and testosterone and estrogen. In other words: fucking as opposed to reproductive roles. Coitus not gender. But the meaning of sex is more expansive than just intercourse. You can use words to describe the physical act but without the brain it is a meaningless endeavor. An event without content. Merely a biological process. It’s fucking boring.

Exciting sex is dependent on the circumstance. What are you thinking? What led up to the sex. Where is the sex? And of course the often overlooked until it’s too late aspect of sex, what the fuck happens after the sex? If you are having any kind of coherent thought during the sex then it is boring. If there is a magical sequence of curiosity, sexual tension, flirting, teasing, guilt, resolve, over powering imagination, weakening resolve, electric excitement and ultimately failed restraint, then the sex is exciting. If the sex takes place at the location where restraint failed or there is a hurried, manic trail leading from location of the failed restraint to the place of sex, then the sex is exciting. If you aren’t racked with guilt and driven to momentary despair by the aftermath of the sex then the sex was boring. It’s boring.

Exciting sex is so reliant on the brain that the actual physical act is secondary to the events surrounding the physical act. The actual physical act is secondary to the brain’s interpretation of the events surrounding the physical act. Interpretation. Of course the aforementioned sequence is my sequence but your brain must determine its own sequence. A sequence that leads to real sex. Brain sex. Boring?

I have trichotillomania.

It started with eyebrow-hair pulling in grade 10, and now its lead to this in only a year. I'm not looking for pity, I'm just trying to raise awareness in a way, and to make it more "real" for myself.

-Kristal