Not Afraid @ MindSay

He came back last night.   

I never felt him enter my bed, but his spirit entered my soul

Have I waited and desired for so long that he has made himself into all I need?

Could it have been the vanilla vodka candle making love to my nose?

I wonder in silence if he would be near if he knew my secrets that cling to my skin?

Would mistakes and misundersatndings done well before he, me, we, had ever been concieved destroy what might be.

His breathing echos my own as if we are dancing to african drums under a southern sky.

Afraid to open my eyes I have yet to see his face

No, I am not afraid of him

I am afraid of us, afraid that after being me for so long one is my magic number.

Afraid of being afraid and afraid of not being afraid.

Did you hear that?

He has his own fables to tell.

Some wll make me laugh, while others will ache my heart.

His mother taught him never to use five letter curses...flaws being on that list. 

He loves his mother, he will love me as well

He says he will wait until I am ready

He has the patience for one to grow into numbers beyond my dreams

Slowly and with tenderness beyond words, he kisses my pains away

The tears that fall do not scare him

His heart knows he means me know harm and my tears are cleansing

If and when he comes again, I will open my eyes

Until then I grab and hold on to me and becoming whole.

so much more to say but these tears wont allow proper words to express how I feel

But isn't it funny? The way teenagers fall in and out of love so easily?
A Guy or Girl at school, that takes their fancy.

Sometimes it's purely physical, and then there's the ones you just don't understand.

It makes me wonder how many people hide those. Who is so ashamed of admitting their own true feelings?

I think the teenage years are strange ones.
We're trying so hard to find ourselves, and in the vulnerability we remember what love was, the way we knew it as a child. the trust.
We throw ourselves out there, not knowing if we'll get hurt, or just lucky, and someone will come along and we can pick each other up.

And sometimes we just sit there,  and we raise everyone... but who is there to raise us?

There are so many places to end up. I still wonder, about the people afraid to love. Afraid to give their trust, so they push people off with hurtful remarks. Or they just hide themselves in the corner, unwilling to pick themselves up, because they're afraid of the person who'll cut them down.

Even when that person does stand up strongly.... They're still afraid to share their love because it has become a deep fear, one that shakes us to the core, the fear of rejection.
BUt even then, when wild things are caged they panic.

I'm not sure where this is going, but i'm trying to laugh at myself. The way that no matter who or what, there is always some typical strain of teenager-ness in people. Whether its pushing people off or pulling them too close. Having a passion for the drama of hormones and screaming and fighting your way through school, or sitting in the back where no one can see you. But there's always that underlying love that has become some sort of taboo, Because we're always afraid of our weight, height, race, or our social status amongst our peers. Afraid to be ourselves and worrying that who we are or think we are or want to be, is something not good enough for anyone. not even ourselves. That we're too high maitenance, or just not special enough.

Even our friends sound insincere after awhile. where are the flaws here? "there's none, you're perfect"

Yet no one buys it!

And there's always a fear above it all. Above rejection.

What if...?
What am i missing?
Will i regret this?
Will i regret saying it or not saying, will i regret keeping my distance?

How long can "If we're meant to be, it will happen!" help us keep our ground in the shadows.
Even with the comfort of knowing you're never apart, in the very end...

What if the opportunity can only happen if we choose to live our lives and take a chance?


Again... I'm not really sure where my point is, or what i want to gain from this, other than i just feel like sharing a peice of my mind with people who might like to hear. I'm not sure if i want to Discuss or just Share. I know i'm not asking for it to be picked apart. But if you have any thoughts... What are they? how did you feel as a teen? Even now as an adult watching your children, neices, nephews, grandchildren, even young people you interact with on a daily basis?

I have a feeling Adults go through this same thing again and again. That we keep doing this for our whole lives. But i'm not there yet, so i don't know.

Thanks for reading if you did.

Love and Light
~a wandering papillon. 

so, third floor lockers equals the suck.

you know what else is the suck? math quizzes in the first math class. and french, i can't speak french to save my life. i barely made it through last year, so once again, good-bye credit.

first two days and so much homework, gahh!

i hate french, geography and math.

i semi-hate english.

i don't mind religion and science.

i love art and gym.

awesome.

off to organize and work! what a wild night

exes&ohs.