No Motivation @ MindSay

It's like there's no motivation

none to care. none to try. none to just be anymore.

There comes a moment when it's more than just life,

and you either take that step forward or turn around and walk away.

It seems I've started to walk away.

Maybe I like the pain. Maybe I'm just wired like that....

Because without it, I don't know; maybe I just wouldn't feel real.

I'm tired of feeling so alone.

Relief exists....it's the only aesethic that makes me feel.

people have problems that are worse.

I feel i'm just not strong enough to deal with mine anymore.

There's just that day when you know it's here.

mine's back.

Still tired.

Still have no gumption to get my fat ass to the gym.  I guess I burnt out on it pretty hard.  How do I get back with it?  The whole problem with them not charging the proper amount for my membership and I'm in the whole "waiting period" for them to have my membership on a "pass" basis until they get everything squared away.  So that's leaving an irritation in addition to the whole apathy where the gym is concerned. 

So I'm sitting here daily trying to figure out how to get my ass motivated and get back in gear.  Nothing's working.  Not threats to myself  about not being in shape.  Losing all the headway I've made in weight loss.  Having to eat less because I'm not expending the calories like I was....  Nothing's giving me that punch to get with it.

I wonder how much of this change is because of hubby's job change/change in circumstances.  Things feel a bit out of control for his new job and I feel more secure being at home.  I guess it's the whole pushy component of my personality.  Maybe it's just the uncertainty of his current job.  He's no happy there, it's not his cuppa tea if you will.  The pay is bad and, for the most part, he's not going to get much in the way of weekends off.  Not cool for family time.

I was really hoping to sleep in tomorrow, but Dr needs some patient pics printed out and he wants me there 90 min earlier than normal.  I hope he's not late.  He has a problem with time.  Ah well, I do have some other pics to do, but nothing to keep me occupied for an extra hour.  Ah well, I guess I shouldn't complain about the extra hours, right?