No Good Friends @ MindSay

seriously, is it my problem because rather than sit in my room alone n be depressed all night i decided to go over to jackie's, or should mike be held responsible because he was the one that wanted to throw a party, he's the one that invited everyone, and therefore should he have been responsible for who was here n what they were doing? i'm so fucking irritated. fuck, someone drank a bottle of plum wine at the beginning of the semester that was me n albert's that was in the fridge, n he was totally down to pay me back even tho he didn't kno who did it. but now? he's saying its not his problem. for fuck's sake, the reason i put it in my room is so no one would drink it!

i knew i should have brought it with me...n i feel like i should have just stayed home depressed last night cuz then i could have kept ppl out, but monique apparently showed up at one point n i might have left with them if they'd offered, so i dunno. i even called monique to try to find out wtf happened n she said she didn't kno. if she is lying, i'd like to think that reanna is a good enough person that if she found out she would tell me n would help get this sorted out. n if stephanie knew who it was, it would be good if she fucked spoke up, too, but w/e.

i'm definitely glad that jackie talked me into bringing puma with us, tho, cuz if ppl got in here n no one seemed to notice, puma could have gotten out n then god knows what might have happened to him. n mike's friend christina, one of the chicks who applied to move in here n might be, is one of the ppl that's let puma out before.

i dunno, i kno it might seem like i'm taking my frustration out on his friends that applied for the place, but the thing is, realistically sure, i don't know that they'll be like mike but they are his friends. usually friends have things in common, so i also can't kno that they won't be like this, n i can't spend a year w/ more spoiled rich drama queens that thro a temper tantrum whenever they don't get their way n are incredibly inconsiderate of my needs.

The moment, I had dinner with friends. They came over and had a good evening with me. We enjoyed a good food. We talked and laughed all together. That was perfect evening for me tho. I had never had a great time like this after I did myself went wrong with some reason. I bet, when I satyed with friends, how wonderful we had!! I liekd to shared my story to them. Some of them said that I looked funny and silly girl. I said yeah!! I am that one. But today was my hard day tho. I was tired and wanted to lay down on my bed without doubt. Before I do that, i must go up and update my blog and check my email. Just in case, i wuld like to get his reply...that why I addict an information technology right now!! I talked about him to friend and showed some of those picture between all of us. I had a great time in CHICAGO...that I would like to keep it all the rest of my life #-#

Tonight, I might go to the bed early..then I should get some more rest for tomorrow..Wow Tada..I gonna  go to the church which i didnt go there for a while. I hope tomorrow will be my special day.

I want to tell you GUYs , I think of him super lot today!! I hope he might be able to miss me too!! heheh

 

Kitty

i was just talking to my friend on msn...well one of my really good friends..well he says "best mate"..lol.. i have been friends with him for like a decade and that is no exaggeration. our older sisters are/were friends, our younger sisters were friends and our parents are good friends.

i hadnt spoken to him in ages, well a couple of weeks anyway, but still that is a fair time.

i love it how you talk to someone and you havent spoken to them in ages but when you talk it is like you just saw each other yesterday, you never run out of something to say. that's how it was tonight. it was really good to catch up.

i had been meaning to ask him something since july. i have just wanted to know what he thought about the whole situation and if his opinion of me had changed. i finally asked him tonight. i didnt expect anything bad, but it could have been bad for me though if he did decide to take sides. his answer was really comforting and sure did put a smile on my face. i guess it is like what he said "true friends will always be friends"

it is nice to know where you stand in a relationship, even if it is just friends. it is so nice to hear someone say that you are best friends.

if you are feeling insecure and they say that, it is so relieving and just makes you feel better even though there was no reason to even doubt it in the first place.

I just closed my 43things account and it actually really upset me to do so.

But it was just so obvious... can't leave tracks...

 

my hand is like ice, I'm wearing a knitted red beanie with a hole in the top, looking up t-shirts, cause that's what I'm in the mood for, and typing in this thing as though I have friends who are gonna read it when I'm done.

 

sometimes I get this pain in my chest, and I have to sit up straight and breath deeply, just for a second.

It's a little scary :)

 

so tuesday night I sat in my *best friends* bed and cried and tried to talk to her, and I felt like things could be better.

Now I'm not sure, and I think it might even be worse.

i'd love to tell a full story, but that'd take too long.

 

 

*I'm no good with people.

*I can't work out how to make friends.

*I am, on occasion, a very stereotypical person. I realised this after being stereotyped all day at work, and actually finding trouble rebutting said stereotyping. But the thing is, I've only ever been myself. So I'm thinking it's okay, that's just who I am, fellas.

*I really, really like "A Study In Economics" by Allister.

*I really, really hate myspace.

*I think that suicide can be very selfish. (note: CAN BE)

*I feel as though I always have to justify myself and who I am.

*I feel like I've learnt a lot about myself this year and I really don't like what I've learnt.

*I feel more comfortable around ugly people.

*I miss you so, so much, even though you're only 20 minutes away.

*I worry that I have a slight mental disorder. I just can't seem to do things like others can.

*Sometimes my hands start shaking so bad that I have to stop whatever it is I'm doing.

*I'm not sure of who I am anymore.

 

 TWICE lately, music has been perfect in a situation for me.

ONE: I was cleaning up my bedroom, and putting up a new mirror. I was feeling angry. I put up said mirror, and looked in it.

my cd player sings at me "when you look in mirrors realise how gorgeous you are"

I used to think people didn't like me because I was ugly.

Now I have realised that I am not that ugly.

I don't know if this is a good or bad thing.

 

and TWO: I was sitting in her bed and feeling angry and upset as I, for the want of a better term, fought with her. The OC was on.

Bright Eyes... "do you like to hurt? I do, I do... then hurt me"

 

 

 

 

 

 

fuck this, fuck you, i am reason enough to daydream the day.

 

 

 

 

I need to start living outside of my head.