Nirvana @ MindSay

we have had rain for three days now and it is a joy to behold. with temperatures in the nineties I had been watering plants twice a day and  the larger trees were beginning to suffer. But now we are back to what typical fall weather should be and even if we have another mini heat wave the plants have been nurtured by the skies for almost half a week. What kind of signs are virgo libra? surely I must have water in there some how. if you believed that sort of thing.


My sister in law gave me a book by Yalom who is an existential psychotherapist... it's a bout death anxiety- of which I have enough to give me the shivers. and reading it it helped me formulate my irrational beliefs.

You see I believe we have two deaths. one is the physical one. which one remains fully aware of whiule and after it is happening. and so the ease of death or the people with you is very important. and then there is the death or at least the dispersal of the soul. I dont believe in a heaven or hell, I believe that  that portion i call the "soul" gets transported into another life and has awareness until it enters that other life at which time all prior consciousness is erased and the cycle begins again.  And what your soul enters depends on the karma created  during this life.  That part of the belief gestalt is very nice because if my karma is good I come back in human form.. more evolved than this one and have a chance to get it even better next time around.

what worries me is that small  in between time, before one loses consciousness of THIS life and gets erased for the next life one gets... and what if during that interim the awareness is acute? I mean I surely do not want to be buried and slowly decompose and have worms coming out of my eye sockets - sorry if this sounds like a bad Roger Corman film. So because of this crazy belief I would prefer cremation or burial at sea. Cremation would be very creepy at first  but your soul would get out faster because of the heat--- go ahead and laygh- this  IS funny- but burial at sea is a nicer idea. Of course only the very important get buried at sea unless I am lucky enough to die in a plane crash over water or on a sinking boat ( thank you to the spousal unit for pointing this out as I shared my worries with him)

Any way-- for those who do not believe in heaven or hell and also do not believe that there is nothingness after---- how do you reconcile this in between time. Oh I always hoped it was like Emily in Our Town and short period of intense sorry as we say good by to the life we have had and then settle into the resolution that the pain and recognition will resolve and evaporate... but what if it isn't?  see?

Dixie currently feels:

Defeated

 

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It's quarter past seven.

By now I would be eagerly awaiting Emily's arrival.

 

The blog I posted last night before I went to bed made me feel better.

I think I may have finally found a way to let out my feelings.

 

If I were to speak directly to someone I know about how I'm feeling - I'd cry.

I don't like to cry.

When I write this blog, it seems that all of my thoughts flow directly down my scarred arms and into my keyboard - corresponding, the words shall appear on the screen before me.

 

It's not like when I'm trying to write my fiction or poetry.

This does not have a structure, it doesn't have a plot. It doesn't have a complex storyline - I can write whatever I want, whenever I want, and I don't have to worry about restrictions or acceptance.

 

I am suprised at myself.

When I have been deprived of Emily in the past, I have done nothing but cut and cry.

Not to say my thoughts have not been centred upon her - I have done my usual thought-an-hour (though that's a minimum), and referenced her a few times...

 

But it seems I'm managing to keep my stapler remover - who I shall introduce to you all now as "SR"; a clever naming system that stands for 'stapler remover' - away from myself.

 

I have been reading up on other people's blogs, who also talk about self harming.

I found a somewhat odd one, with methods of containment.

I've tried methods of containment, and nothing has worked for me.

 

I also found a lot of depressing poems by people who cannot spell.

Fine, Mindsay does not have a spell check. But I'm sure we're all literate enough to spell "excuse".

 

 

When I wrote last night, I highlighted Emily's name in green.

That way, I can see exactly how much I spoke of her.

It also looks quite decorative.

 

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Today in school, Claire played her guitar for me.

 

Claire is a friend I have.

She stays in the library much as I do, during her breaks.

She has short hair which she spikes at the back.

At the moment, she has a purple extension in the side.

She looks a little like a character from a fiction story I am working on.

We both have common Northern English accents, but hers is worse than mine.

 

That smiley is green.

I like smileys a lot.

I don't love the colour green, but it is Emily's favourite - and so, it makes me think of her.

 

 

 --- That smiley is very erotic. Notice how the recieving smiley seems to be rather contented, perhaps even aroused?

 

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Claire plays songs by Muse and Nirvana.

Guitars unnaccompanied make me feel sad.

They sound so alone and deprived of back-up and surrounding sound.

It sounds like me.

 

I can't play real guitar, but I can play Guitar Hero.

Guitar Hero controllers only have five frets. I think Claire's real guitar has fourteen or thirteen.

They also don't have strings, they have a single bar.

 

I like Guitar Hero. I can play Expert level now.

I like to play on Nintendo wi-fi connection and "pwn sum n00bs wit mah skillz".

 

 

Emily has also played on GH3 wi-fi connection with me.

She is on Medium level, so it's not very fair for me to challenge her to face-offs.

We play co-op mainly.

 

Emily takes the bass part, and I play Expert lead.

We have only failed two songs so far.

Those are 'Stricken' by Disturbed, and "Through The Fire And Flames" by Dragonforce.

 

We have not played all of the songs yet, though.

I wonder if we will still be able to play wi-fi connection with each other...

 

 

Being torn away from your best friend is truly terrible.

FINAL DRAFT

 

          When I was in grade school, I was a major problem of my parents. I’m always out of the house, spending time at the school and with my friends. I don’t talk with my parents that much, I’m not open with them. So, it leads to a not-so-good relationship with them.

 

          One time, my friend invited me to go to the mall with her parents. So I called my mom and said that we’re going to the mall. On our way, they decided to go to starcity, instead of the mall, so I had no choice. I haven’t got any chance to call my mom. I got home at 3:00 in the morning and my mom was very mad. She went to my school the next day to tell the people there that I’m going to quit. I asked for forgiveness and she accepted it but, she said that I’m going to transfer to another school in high school. I don’t want but I have no choice.

 

          In high school, I’m at a new school. I’m a new comer, so I’m shy and quiet, not like my old self. But my classmates were friendly and approachable. I got along with them easily. Once in a while, I go to my former school, but as days passed, I became busy and lazy because it’s so far. Eventually, I have adapted to my new environment.

 

          One of my classmate and close friends, Joana, is a member of the church. She invited me to join her organization called the Antipolo Young Parishioners’ Organization (AYPO). At first, I said no. I’m not really religious and I don’t even go to mass on Sundays. But afterwards, she convinced me together with her org-mates Julie and Ana. I joined thinking that it would be fun because I thought being a member of the church is boring! I am right it is fun! I stayed there and became an active member, and later became an officer. I also joined in planning the activities for the Youth of the Church.

 

          I think transferring school really changed me, my life. It changed me from being a bad daughter to a good one, from being unreligious to an active member of the church. It changed me for the better. I have become closer to God and I think I am better person now compared from before. I believe everything happens for a reason. Now, I am thankful that I transferred to that school.

The news came to me as a shock today… I was there, in the teachers’meeting room, when the Dean walked in and announced in a shattered voice the suicide of Rozenn…

She was one of my pupils. I have been in this school for only a week, and I only met her twice, but it nevertheless stunned me. I remember her pretty face and her dark hair, and where she was sitting last Friday in my class…

 

When driving back from work, I kept thinking about Rozenn, and about myself. I was listening to Nirvana and that’s when I remembered how that music helped me not to take the step Rozenn did when teenage years were so hard on me, I thought. Nirvana’s music, and rock/metal music in general, saved me, undeniably!

Listening to it would let my malaise and my despair ooze out of me, it would help me expel these inner violence and self-hatred that were consuming me… until they would come back again…

It helped me turn into someone I like better, from a meaningless and despicable caterpillar into a dark butterfly… Today I am someone I can withstand the look of when in front of a mirror, even if life has stolen part, and a huge one that is, of my happiness.

 

Now, when I think of Rozenn, I realize how close I was to wanting the end she chose for herself. Out of lack of bravery, or thanks to courage, I don’t really know, I followed the path to my life as it is today. That is exactly how I have always regarded suicide, as a desperate act of utter ambiguity…

 

And now I’m thinking about Rozenn’s family, because I know how much the loss of a beloved one will sadden and appal you. They will be angry at her and will not understand her decision, but it was all a lot of bravery and lack of courage… bravery to take the step to eternal emptiness and nothingness, lack of courage to survive, just to see if it could get any better.

 

That’s how the life and death of a stranger, who decided that it was not worth living, altered other’s existence so much more than she probably ever thought she would, as she is missed and will be remembered by so many of us.