Nick @ MindSay

Okay, I don't mean to rag on Nick and my relationship when it was good, but I have to say this much: Jake has done in 3 weeks what Nick didn't do in 7 months; he met my mother last night. And to my great surprise and pleasure, she ADORED him. She came in and Jake was making dinner and her daughter (me) was home and the house was clean-ish. He walked right up to her, piercings and mohawk in all their glory, shook her hand and introduced himself. She was like putty! It was actually kind of funny to watch. I didn't have to say a whole lot the whole evening, which was nice because I was vascillating between euphoria that it was going well and terror that a topic of debate would come up (mom's pretty conservative, i'm relatively mid-lining, and jake's pretty liberal) or he'd slip up and mention weed or something and it would all go to hell. But it didn't. It all just went beautifully. By the end of dinner, my mom was almost buttering up to him instead of the other way around. He started rinsing off dishes, and she was like "You know, the cook isn't supposed to do the dishes." Which is not AT ALL her rule. Her rule is you mess it up, you clean it up. End of story. She even said she expected to see him back over sometime soon. I was floored.

By the way, Jake's the one cowering in the left. Zac's got the bat.

Ive been thinking of what to do when I go to the mall today. Yeah that sounded weird but what stores should I shop at?  So heres my list of crap to do when I go with nick tonight...

1- by some stuff.  i need a new belt. and i wanna get some of tdwp tees at hot topic for the concert which i am unable to go to:[

2- Nick and i hate preppy single minded popular jerk- people so we are gunna hug everyone who shops at hollister bc they are brave enough to look so gay..

3- Hot Topic... Im so hugging the cashire who kicked me out last time. lol i went to hot topic and dropped all their cds..and they gave me a free pair of jeans if i got out. im wearing them right now:]

4- Pac Sun..i need a new bathing suit even tho theirs are like...$75. soo ill just go there anyway. they are having a sale! buy one pair of skinnys get another pair free! lol i already bought 3 pairs!

5- Go to Lids and go behind their register the cashire gets pissed!

So...I kind of did something that might make it seem that I don't love Nick with all of my heart...which I do. Oh, by the by...Nick and I are back together. We were only really truly apart for about 2 weeks. And then I was staying over all the time because of crappy living situations. And we were sleeping in his bed together. And we realized that being apart hurts for both of us. A lot. More than it should if it's the right thing. ANYWAY. Beside the point.

I guess I need to introduce my good friend and Nick's arch nemesis, Fetske. Fetske is...the only thing that's ever made either me or Nick question our relationship even a little bit. Fetske has always been a bit...into me. And he always gets weird when he's around me and Nick together. And when it's just me and Fetske, he makes me wish I were single just so I can play on the same level as him. That and he's insanely attractive. I dunno...he's good looking, but it's more than that.

Fetske...(here's where I lapse into comparison that by no means is to suggest that I considered breaking up with Nick for Fetske or that I--until last night--ever would have done anything with Fetske, just on principle. Fetske made me understand why people cheat on people they love and made me all the more determined never to do it...end aside) Fetske's the kind of guy that you meet in some shady diner, take home, have mind-boggling, guilt-free sex with for the next 48 hours, and never mention a thing to anyone. Nick's the guy you date for only a short time before having sex with but still feel okay to bring home for dinner. And spend the rest of your life with.

ANYWAY. Fetske found out that Nick and I broke up and weren't TECHNICALLY together on Halloween. And started making moves. Now, granted...he was extremely drunk and more than a little bit high. And I was the only girl he knew at the party besides Rachel. But that's where that whole "Aren't you dating Nick? No, not anymore."-as-Nick-sneaks-up-behind-me-wraps-his-arms-around-me-and-kisses-my-forehead situation comes into play and you realize "Yeah, technically they're not together, but there's obviously a bit of a relationship there and I probably shouldn't fuck that up". Am I crazy? I think not. That's why Matt and Kayla got into trouble with Kyle. Don't ask. But basically the same situation. ANYWAY. Nick threw one of his weird fits where he doesn't yell, he just throws something out there pretty calmly and expects you to explain yourself. And I explained what I thought was going through Fetske's mind--that he wanted me and if technically Nick wasn't claiming me, then Bro Code be damned, he wanted me and he was making his freakin' move. And Nick really didn't like that.

So I try to avoid setting Nick off, but I also won't be told who I can and can't hang out with. Nick knows he can trust me, and even if he can't trust Fetske, he knows that I wouldn't let him do anything. So I went to the movies with Fetske while he was up in town, and Nattie and I went down to Sacramento to see his show (he does improv with ComedySportz) last week, and I haven't told Nick that. It's not his business, and it would just upset him. But...yesterday, Nick kind of pissed me off about Fetske. He suggested that had it not been for Nick, I would have gone for Fetske. And while that's...partly true, that's not what happened, so it's a moot point. Nick was there, and I didn't go for Fetske.

So when Fetske asked if I wanted to go down and see him and party, I didn't even think. I just...went. Got drunk...lost my inhibitions, and didn't say no when Fetske started making moves. And those moves went...further than they should have. Basically...I proved Nick's point. Did the thing that would confirm all his worst fears about Fetske. That I am attracted to him (or was--after last night...you know how you have Grocery Outlet brand or Safeway brand mac and cheese, and it's just...pale in comparison with Kraft? Yeah...Fetske's Grocery Outlet mac and cheese. Nick's Kraft. You catch my drift) and do/did want to jump his bones.

But this morning, I realized the mac and cheese bit of it, and realized everything else that goes with Nick and with being with Nick. And as horrible as it was of me to do what I did, I came to terms with my feelings for Fetske and moved past them. They won't affect me anymore. Now, that's not to say that all is solved with the Fetske/Nick rivalry, but at least Nick can know that he wins. Hands down. And maybe back off it a bit. Let Fetske think he has the upper hand, knowing full well that he doesn't. I'm not going to tell Nick what happened, per se. But Nick will know that he's the only guy I think about at all in that regard. He is the guy for me.

Look how sweet he is!!! Took this before I left on Wednesday morning. I had to go to work, and he told me to wake him up, but he was too sweet for me to disrupt that. So I took the picture, sent it to him, and told him why I didn't wake him up. He is without a doubt the sweetest thing I know. Even when he's petty and childishly jealous.

Until last night, this past week has been one of the most trying and painful weeks in recent memory. I felt, as you might have gathered, that my world was turned on its ear. Nothing was going the way it should, and nothing I did changed that. How strange, then, that it took my world literally being turned upside down to set things to right.

When I crashed, I called my mom, Nick, and then work. Mom called 911, work understood, and Nick's phone went to voicemail. I found my way out, and sent out a text to everyone I care about to please be careful driving because I'd just crashed. Nick called immediately and made sure I was okay. Even in my weird... shock, it registered that he was the first one to call.

After I got my car towed home and I'd had a chance to settle down, Andy came and picked me up (driving VERY carefully, as the roads were VERY dangerous), we went back to his and Dany's apartment. I told Nick I'd made it back into town because I'd wanted a walk with him at some point, still having a lot to say to him (obviously). Sonya and I went outside for a cigarette, and Nick came over. Asked if we could take that walk. Of course, I obliged.

As I tried pitifully to make small talk (I don't handle nervous, anxious silences well), Nick told me he had thought he wanted nothing to do with me, but he realized he was all alone and I was still talking to him, despite his silence. We stood in the snow and hugged for what felt like hours. And then we had an almost-normal night with Andy and Dany and Sonya. We had the best conversations the best silences where unspoken pain melted into unspoken understanding. And then he (Nick) did the cutest thing ever (again--I despise those bimbo bitches who think that like their bee eff is like the sweetest little button evar, omfg, wtf, srsly, etc, but the boy just has a quality that gets me all gooey). I sat on his lap (okay, I was kinda straddling him...I just wanted to be as close to him as humanly possible...sue me), and he looked at me and said, "Today's the 18th? So...January 18th will be another month. Odd one, will you be my girl?" It's silly sweet little things like that that cheer me up, even after the worst of times.

And then we walked back up to Nick's, smoked a cigarette, and were up until 5ish, just...being together. I felt like something had finally clicked back into place, and we would be okay. We had endured the worst, and gravity had been turned back on. What I figured would be one of the worst nights in a series of bad nights turned out to be the one that made those bad nights worth it.

I'm taking it. I'm owning it. I...have a problem. I have a drinking problem.

I went to my first session of addiction counseling today. Didn't think it went well during...or after. But looking back on it a good 12 hours later, I feel...better about it. Came clean with all my friends. And Nick. I think it helped...a little. Asked him if we could talk, and he didn't say no. He said not right now. Which is better than no. (wow, I sound needy--but maybe I need to be needy right now...different tangent...different time) Anyway...she (the counselor) said that I did good coming in (Cynical Autumn says: "Yeah, they always say that...Ca-ching! *scoff*") and that she thinks I "caught it early"...like it's a disease. Which, I suppose, it is. But it doesn't seem like the kind of thing you "catch early." I dunno...I guess she would know. Seems to me that if it's bad enough that other people were noticing (and I'm really good at hiding my problems--I used to cut), then it's pretty bad. But I came totally clean. Told her all about the mini-bar I kept in my car. Told her how I could count on one hand the days I'd been sober in the past 2 months. Come to think of it, I can count on all fingers and toes the number of days I've been sober in the past 6 months. Ouch. Not sure she's being hard enough on me. She's not telling me to stay away from alcohol. She's not...not telling me to stay away from it. But...I just think she'd be jumping all over that one. "Stay away from it...Stay away from people who drink." But...just gonna follow doctor's...err, counselor's orders. She said just...see how I do without drinking. Test my addiction. And to not be so hard on myself. Proud to say, I'm avoiding temptaion. The second one...not so much. What I've done is wrong, self-destructive, and harmful to others. I've gotten out of control. And that's hurt others.

Anyway...can you guess why I slept with Fetske? Cuz...I know exactly why. Not an excuse. At all. But an explanation. A poor one.

SO! Here goes. I am an alcoholic.