Myself @ MindSay

When two people are in love with each other and with the spoon, nothing comes out right.
Not a day goes by that I don't long for this life to end so that I can rejoin my love, where ever he is.
Dave Draiman (my Dave is David Alan Jaeger) says it all with Inside the Fire. I will go where ever he is,
the sooner the better. But I can't just kill myself, God has seen fit to give me a child that ties me to this world.
A child that tests my patience, my sanity (what little there is) and ability to contain the anger and violence inside me
on a daily basis. Like Scott Weiland says, "The roller coaster ride's a lonely one" Music keeps me sane, that and 40mg of Percocet a day. I am blessed with a compressed disc in my spine, which I treasure. Dirt, yes, that's a great song, Layne had such a way with words, he is fortunate, he has already rejoined his love. Soon, please, let it be soon.

Hi, i'm taking somebody's advice to talk a little bit about myself and my life lately.
Well where to start from, it will come when i start right?
today i had a doctor appointment @ 12:30 pm i was so stressed and nerveus because i had to follow up with her after being in the ER last Saturday night, they diagnosed me with an infection on my oversis telling that's an STD, i was chocked because i know myself i'm not sexually active how could i've been infected with no sex; anyway, even my doctor was surprised, so we did a urine test to see and it was no damn infection(wich make me feel better little bit) i thought i was getting crazy like dont remember having sex and stuff; but what she said it didnt surprise me; she said that i haven't eaten or drinking fluids lately(my urine was so concentrated), it is true i am not eating at all , i do drink sometimes but not enough i guess. all i do the whole day is drinking coffee and smoking, sometimes drink a bottle of lemonade.i have no appetite
at all.
i'm very sensitive, very irritable lately, anxieus.
i cry a lot , i'm hurt very easily.
i'v been diagnosed so different times with different diagnosses.
they said i am bipolar,i have BPD( borderline personality disorder)and depression.
i'm engaged on SIV( self inflected violence) for years now.
i cut myself whenver im upset, sad, hopeless,helpless...
it make feel better ,relief, control of myself.
i know there is so diffent ways to destress, having control of something that's safer tham SIV but when you are in that situation that stage, nothing looks helping except SIV, i tell myself you have to be hurt it might look crazy but is not.
i was hurt so many time, it's like i get used to it .
whenever im in pain i feel like i need to suffer more.
i don't have the right to feel like others i have to be always strong, and up for them anytime they need me, i have to take care of myself.i know some of it is wrong, but that's i feel whenver i am with my family . they still controling my life, my acts, my decisions, almost every step i do in my life.
you might laugh for what i am about to say; i am getting married next year with a guy but i am lesbian, why???????because: i cant say it, we dont always have a choice in this life.
i hope it wasnt too much for the first time i am writing about myself.
thank u all.
enjoy your life as much as you can because we live only once

Dear World,

 

         No song today. I couldn't really think of a good one to fit my mood, it's a bit on the weird side. However! My hair is finally finished. A week before christmas I dyed it an auburn color that turned into a dark rusty brown-ish color. Not really what I was going for. So, things needed to be fixed.

 

Yesterday evening I bleached my hair to get all the color out of it, for the intent of dying it another color that will be a vibrant color full of shine and niceness. Yum. Anyways, I wasn't sure what color I was going to go for. Part of me was half tempted to go with purple koolaid for hair dye and have purple awesome hair. But, my parents would shit bricks, so probably not the best idea. I went with red again, and I love it. I've always had a thing for red hair (Especially on girls), and having my hair red greatly appeals to me. It's not just red. it's Red red. I have pictures on my myspace that people can check out. Post comments if you have them. Since I know I have oodles of readers about. Haha. Either way, I am extremely content with my hair, and I love it.

 

My mood has been bouncing around. Alot. And I've had the same headache that keeps punching me in the face for the past 4 days. I've been going from super lonely depressed, to very angsty pissed off, to very mellow and happy, to blank. What the fuck. I've been thinking about the future. And me being alone. And it's all been bugging me. School. Job. People. Me. It's all re-god-damn-diculous. But there's not anything I can do about it. I can't snap my fingers and have people admire me and want me to change their lives and them to change mine. Even though, I would love for that to happen. Still. Wish wish, wishy wish wish. Lame. Isn't there anything productive I can be doing? Oh yeah, I do have a bajilion games to play, I need to hunt around for a new job at a diner that will hopefully hire me as a server. God damnit.

 

"Oh. You don't have any experience doing that? Sorry, can't give you the job."

 

Wait. If I don't have experience how the hell am I going to GET ANY if you fuck ups don't give me a chance to prove that I'm worth a damn? Jesus christ, I'm sick of this system. I'm sick of school. I'm sick of being alone. I'm sick about worrying. I'm sick of all this bullshit.

 

But life goes on, regardless. I could flop down dead and everything will still continue to go on because that's just how things are. Each person has their own story, just like I'm stuck in mine. But is mine just another, "Wow, this is pretty dull," and put back? I don't know what I want to do with my life. The possibilities are drawing closer, and I'm really unsure. Sigh. I thought I was heading in the right direction, but I'm still not sure. I'm still surrounded by everything that I don't want to be. I want to tear out my awesome hair that I'm so agonized. What? This is how the world works? With fuck that. Maybe instead of wishing that someone would fall out of the sky and save me, I should be wishing for a brick to fall out of the sky and knock me the fuck out. At least that'd be more likely. Thanks God, you really help me out. Jerk.

 

Still, I'm here. I'll be here, unless that comforting cold of death decides to give me a goodnight kiss. But I doubt that will happen anytime soon. I'm not that lucky. I can also be poetic about death and all this bullshit out the ass, but right now, I don't know. This is a thought stream, and I'm streaming my thoughts. Maybe sometime I'll make a really poetic gushy love sick entry that will make me vomit just to reread it. That'd be nice. Really. Not that I'm being sarcastic or anything. Ugh.

 

I just need to get out of my house and do something. Monday was nice, because I got to go out and buy shoes and bleach and all that junk, but sigh. Maybe I should ask a girl out on a date or something. That'd be nice. Doubtful that I'd be able to refrain from shaking enough in order to pull that one off, though. Thanks Jesus, you let me down.

 

 

Sincerely,

      Nikolas

C'est le malaise du moment,
L'épidémie qui s'étend,
La fête est finie, on descend,
Les pensées qui glacent la raison.

Paupières baissées, visages gris,
Surgissent les fantômes de notre lit;
On ouvre le loquet de la grille
Du taudis qu'on appelle maison.

Protect me from what I want
Protect me from what I want
Protect me from what I want
Protect me, protect me

Protège-moi, protège-moi
Protège-moi, protège-moi
Protège-moi, protège-moi
Protège-moi, protège-moi

Sommes-nous les jouets du destin
Souviens-toi des moments divins
Planant, éclatés au matin,
Et maintenant nous sommes tout seuls.

Perdus les rêves de s'aimer,
Le temps où on avait rien fait,
Il nous reste toute une vie pour pleurer
Et maintenant nous sommes tout seuls.

Protect me from what I want
Protect me from what I want

 

 

Dear avid readers,

 

       Tonight didn't suck quite as bad as expected. And ski-lift-operating was fine due to the stupidly warm weather. 50 degrees at night in January? What the fuck, Batman. Anyways, moving on. I didn't really feel like working, but it's not terrible. At least the job is of course relatively simple. I do have school work to do before the semester ends, though. I wish I could describe in words how excruciatingly difficult it is for me to movitvate and discipline myself to do this work when my motivation and discipline levels are at an all time low. Wait, I'd even go far enough to say they're non-existant. Yeah, that sounds about right. Someone stab me in the face, I'd find it much more enjoyable than this bullshit I have to shove myself through in order to get by and pass this semester. Who knows the shit storm fest my parental units will bring upon my unworthy head should I fail a class. Ugh. End of semester. I'm looking forward to and dreading it at the same time. I think it'll make my brain melt.

 

I want to try and hurry this thought-dump by typing fast since I want to get to bed before 12:00 this time, which probably won't happen. I've been so tired. What, with the having to force myself to get up and go to school thing. Who would've guessed? Anyway. The day was beautiful. Everything about it was perfect except that I'm a living breathing entity trapped in prison, I mean, school, and I had reoccuring thoughts of Kaycie. I can submerge most of my agonizing feelings I have towards that--which I've been able to do sufficiently--but alot of them have unloaded and slapped me in the face. However, it has come to light that I am not alone in the world in my feelings and emotions, and that someone else exists! Yay! I'm very excited about meeting and talking to someone new. You really have no idea. And if you think that's sarcastic, get out. (See: Fuck your carrots  of the pervious entry)

 

I've also recently uploaded pictures on my myspace (guh) page of me, my Venom sweatshirt, my new keyboard which I'm typing on right now, and a picture of myspace itself!--In all it's shitty glory. Regardless, the url is simple: http://www.myspace.com/valihel  A /valihel  extension? Who would've guessed! Gasp. But I like my hair, having dyed it a new shade of auburn-red-color from my natural dark dark dark brown hair a week or so before christmas. I am very pleased with the result, even if everyone else could care less about the change. Change... It's really needed. It's still needed. I wish it was as easy as snapping my fingers to make everything fix and change and all that jazz, but it's not. Damnit.

 

I'm also aquiring new composition notebooks ( <3 ) and pens to do more writting that I want to do. Whether that's journals, or stories, or whatever. I don't.. really care. At all. I'm done with this trying to make sense of things crap. I'm throwing things out and bringing things in. Sure, I sound very angry and aggressive when I get in a "Fuck everyone!" mood, but at the same time, I really feel it's needed. I dwell so much on what people think of me that I forget myself. That I lose myself. That I never even had that grasp on myself. It's about time I do some digging and try to find what that "me" thing actually is. Though, I have a hunch it's insane. I think we have a winner. Sigh. All this soul searching and pulling myself back together junk. Sometimes I really want to give up and fade away. Where's that voice to tell me to pick myself up and stand tall? Oh right, it jumped ship and is now telling me to give up. Great. Usually in a situation like this, I'd say "Someone save me". But again, I know no one is going to jump into a hellpit of insanity to rescue me from myself. I'll do things my own way. Even if I have to cut myself into tiny pieces in order to rebuild myself. Or give up everything in the process. I'm not really sure. Does anyone have an answer? Who knows.

 

That's all for now. I need to sleep. Maybe this time I'll stay sleeping. That would be, wonderful.

 

 

Sincerely,

         Nikolas