My Wall @ MindSay

How long will this wall exactly stand in front of me. I know education is important, but to see how staggering overwhelming it can be. I've tried climbing this wall many many times. Those 2 1/2 years totally SCREWED me over. It's like the worlds are all there, but you don't know the meaning behind those words at all. A lot of it is coming up blank. It frustrates me to a very extreme point. college has barely even started yet the problems already have closed in on me. It's unbelievable how life will never give you a break in anything. I mean it's great that I achieved the goal of going back to school, but now going through it. wow just evening thinking that. I really don't know what's going to happen, I don't want o fear it, but the odds are incredibly stacked against me since I drew a breath in that school.

http://www.onemanga.com/Tsubasa_Reservoir_Chronicles/1/04/

I've always liked Tsubasa Chronicles, but this picture has never spoken to me so much before as it does now.

We see each other. We're close enough to touch, but we can't. We reach out for each other, but the touch is stopped by the unbreakable glass. Our hands press against the clear wall, so close to each other and miles apart at the same time. It looks as if we're holding each other, for a second, but we're not. There's no warmth: just the chill of the smooth wall.

I can't say if I'm Syaoren or Sakura in this picture: frankly, I feel like both.

I'm not trying to be a mopey emo, but this is something that I'm really worried about. It's something that I've always done, and I don't even know why. It never mattered much to me before, mostly because I didn't realize I was doing it. Now that I know, I realize I have to change.

There is a glass wall around me, too. Ask me a question, and I will answer. Ask me a question about myself, and I'll change the subject. It's not as if I don't like talking about myself...I'm just as self-obsessed as the next guy, after all. The problem is I can't.

I feel things very deeply. I mourn, I laugh, I get so angry I want to destroy the world. Anyone who sees me would know this. But that's all you'd ever see.

I can't show what I feel. I feel like I can't communicate honestly to anyone. I'm more than happy to discuss all your problems with you, but the instant you ask about mine, I clam up. It's not that I don't want to talk about them, either.

It's that I can't.

I don't know how I got to be like this, but I feel so fucked up. I know there's something wrong with me, and posting this in some blog is the only way I can share it with anyone. My voice won't work, no matter how much I try.

I hate this. I hate this so much, being unable to share anything with anyone else. And it's getting to be the biggest problem I've had in my life so far.

My friend wrote this poem awhile ago, and I feel bad about using it here, but it just says everything I just wrote here so perfectly:

Your eyes pierce into me
Trying to read my soul.
I push you away, I try to run
But I can't escape your hold
You long to see inside me
What I hide so deep within.
But my shattered heart can't just come out
And I can't let you in.
Patient, you wait for me
And try to scale my protecting walls.
Please, stop this hopeless attempt to climb
Before one of us falls.
-Liza Pichette

(Link to poem: http://www.fictionpress.com/s/1963040/1/Before_one_of_us_falls)

There is someone trying to scale my protecting walls...but I'm afraid that I won't be the one that falls. And I want to. God, do I want to.