My Mind @ MindSay 
on my mind
The song is called A Quiet Mind. I think to him it's about peace of mind, getting the voices out of his head. Peace of mind, having peace of mind, is something that is difficult for me to find. It's rare for me to have a quiet mind. I don't have any voices in my head other than my own, but I always have thoughts running through it...stuff that I mull over. I've been accused of over-analyzing things, and I know I do, but it's not something I can help. And a lot of times I do it without realizing that I'm doing it (like now, I've realized).
There is stuff I want to say here, but I can't. I guess it's one of those things that is best kept to myself. It's stupid, but it's bugging the shit out of me.
WE LOVE THE ABUSE BECAUSE IT MAKES US FEEL LIKE WE ARE NEEDED
I am always being dissapointed. When ever my boy comes late or has to go early, when we dont laugh as much as hoped, when there are other people around, when our time together isnt what I had hped for. And every time I get dissapointed it feels like a small part of me dies and for days after I dont really smile. Maybe my expectations are too high. We have so little time together I can't help but dream about what it will be like when I see him next, but it never lives up to what I dream for anymore. I have no doubt I love him as much as I ever have, thats why it hurts so much, but I need some time with him, just us, for days on end. Its not his fault, how can he fix problems like this. I know the fact that we can barely see each other hurts him as much as it hurts me, but he can still really enjoy our time together. I dont seem to be able to like he does.
I feel like Im losing it. Im forgetting thing I shouldnt, things that Ive never had any trouble remembering before. Ive forgotten what the appendix was called (Random but Ive never had any trouble remembering things like that, academic things), I forgot the last name of my best friend the other day, Ive even forotten my boys phone number for a few minutes. I feel like my brain is turning to swiss cheese, squidgy and full of holes. I know Im being cold towards his efforts too. I know he tries so hard to make me happy, but I push him away when we dont have a lot of time because I dont want to be dissapointed again when I get wound up then have to leave. Is this just my mind making knots of life or do I have reason to feel like this? Either way its what I feel and lying or not talking wont change that. I will still have to deal with it in my own head.
I dream aggresive dreams. I want to have time alone with him. All my anger and aggression of late seem to stem from this lack of contact with him. I would be happy if we could have a weekend for us, just us, and he would find himself a victim (be it a willing one) of my will. I have not slept well since I started getting sick and despite my health improving, I do not fall asleep easily and I find myself waking through the night many times. I miss his presence beside me and his dad cannot return from this holiday soon enough as far as im concerned. I live my days in daydreams to get through them. Barely anything I do feels real or really registers with me as an achievment. Im floating through life in a semi-comatose state waiting for time to pass and for things to get better then I can wake up and switch on.
im planing to hang out alot just to get my mind of one thing and believe me its hard. i cant keep my mind off hurting someone that deserves to be hurt... she is rude and loud and plan disrespectful to me. she made unbelievable rummers about me. she is really ruining my life.
okay well I've had this window open for like 3hours && i didn't update hah do I'll leave you with one of my fav songs by Nickleback...
From underneath the trees, we watch the sky
Confusing stars for satellites
I never dreamed that you’d be mine
But here we are, we’re here tonight
Singing Amen, I’m alive
Singing Amen, I’m alive
If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
We’d see the day when nobody died
And I’m singing
Amen I, I’m alive
Amen I, I’m alive
And in the air the fireflies
Our only light in paradise
We’ll show the world they were wrong
And teach them all to sing along
Singing Amen I’m alive
Singing Amen I’m alive
If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
We’d see the day when nobody died
If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
We’d see the day when nobody died
And as we lie beneath the stars
We realize how small we are
If they could love like you and me
Imagine what the world could be
If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
We’d see the day when nobody died
We’d see the day, we’d see the day
When nobody died
We’d see the day, we’d see the day
When nobody died
We’d see the day when nobody died
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