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me
so this is how it is....
I am actually pretty scared about where my life is taking me.
I have a plan though, and that is a lot more than a lot of people right?
So why does this scare me so much???
My plan is to be in college till my PhD... I am going to get my Associates in Psychology at Texarkana College, then I am going to go back near my home, I am going to go to New Haven, Connecticut. I plan on getting my Bachelors degree in Psychology with my minor in Sociology from Yale University, then I am going to continue on and get my Masters and PhD in Clinical Psychology and a minor in Sociology from the same college, but I want to know why does this scare me so much?
Why, I mean I should be excited, but I am not, I am almost on the edge of being petrified.
So goodness, I need to get a grip on my life, I need to get into control.
I am sorry that everyone had to read my frightened rant, but I needed a place to vent all of this.1
I have a plan though, and that is a lot more than a lot of people right?
So why does this scare me so much???
My plan is to be in college till my PhD... I am going to get my Associates in Psychology at Texarkana College, then I am going to go back near my home, I am going to go to New Haven, Connecticut. I plan on getting my Bachelors degree in Psychology with my minor in Sociology from Yale University, then I am going to continue on and get my Masters and PhD in Clinical Psychology and a minor in Sociology from the same college, but I want to know why does this scare me so much?
Why, I mean I should be excited, but I am not, I am almost on the edge of being petrified.
So goodness, I need to get a grip on my life, I need to get into control.
I am sorry that everyone had to read my frightened rant, but I needed a place to vent all of this.1
my life
have you ever driven home late on a dark and rainy night?
when your car is the only one on the road
you are all alone
it is pitch black out.....
and one street light passes over you and its bright for a moment
then in one second later it is gone.....
this is my life
all alone
dark and sad
every once in a while a light will shine on me
but then it dissapears before i get time to even reconise it
A self entitled Life Story
I love the way that she kisses me. I love her hair and her smell. Her eyes have a warm embrace. She makes me want to dance. I feel free when I’m with her. I don’t want to be anywhere else. Her touch is so graceful and warming. She makes me smile when I don’t want to. She takes every breath away from me. I feel as if I’m losing my mind and I can’t gain control. She is my world.
And I lost her.
To another she is with. She is in love with him. Feels for him, what I feel for her. I hate it. I just can’t be happy. Not for anything in this world. When I try I always seem to fail and fall. I pick my self up to just get knocked right back down again. To take two steps forward and get knocked three steps back. Like is weird. And harmful. I can’t stand it. I don’t want to live anymore. It’s not fair. I trey and try and I always lose.
I had a great thing once, but then I went and through it all away for someone else who treated me like shit. I hate myself so much for that. She really did mean a lot to me. More than any one person knew. I never really felt like anyone truly wanted me until I met her. I through it all away for what? To be left alone here to rot and die alone. That’s all my life is now. To be alone and suffer. I haven’t ever done anything to anyone. I just get left here.
My friends are drifting away from me and with graduation coming up, it hurts worse. I’ve never really had anyone I could truly trust. My best friend lives four hours away and she doesn’t even have time for me anymore. I can’t stand it. I really really can’t. I’m so stressed out that I don’t know what to do anymore.
1959 - 1965 A Tale Continued .....
Going to make an attempt to get caught up on the life post .... covered 1957 through 1958 so now I'll cover 1959 - 1965 or ages two - seven.
My mother was a preschool teacher for 31 years. My dads mother or my grandmother was head teacher at the school for 35 years. My father worked nights and would watch me during the day when I was 1 & 2 years old. Mom would take over when she got home in the evenings then eventually I would spend my days with mom and grandma at the preschool. I ended up going through high school with some of those that attended the preschool the same time I was there.
My dads parents were extremely religious as was / is my mother and I was hauled to church (Southern Baptists of all things) every Sunday. Both grandma and mom taught Sunday School. So I was surrounded by my family a lot during those young years.
I remember my mom made all of my clothes back then. She always had a time getting me to stand still while she measured the hem. I was not allowed to wear pants until I was about 13 years old. Dresses and bobby socks .... patent leather shoes.
We would spend a few weeks every summer split between our cabin at Big Bear (So. Cal.) and then a few weeks at the gold claim. The visit to the claim in those days were fun filled .... with my friend Nancy usually at my side and my grandparents, cousins, aunt & uncle we'd play games till bedtime, fish and swim during the day, the older folks would mine .... making hand animals on the wall as the lantern slowly burned down before sleep. Berry bushes taller than I .... savoring even as a small child the sweet taste of summer. When I was about five the family sold the cabin at Big Bear and then all of the summer was spent at the claim.
I started kindergarten at age five and was placed in the care of the neighbor who lived on the corner during the day. She ended up being my babysitter for several years. She had two older children ..... the older being a girl then her son. The third child was a year younger than I .... adopted as I was (didn't know at this point I was adopted or him for that matter .... that realization came at a later age) and had some mental development issues. My mother would drop me off in the mornings on her way to work ... my dad now working days ..... and my baby sitter (hate calling her that for some reason) would make sure I got to school, got picked up and cared for till mom got home in the afternoons. It was during this time that I was molested by her son. For at least three years for sure. Again this is something that I always knew happened but didn't realize till older what had happened. Not sure I can explain but there is no need for elaboration on this subject. It was what it was ....
First grade .... I broke my arm skipping in a neighbors driveway. I thought boys had cooties .... I learned to ride a bike with my father running along side encouraging me all the way .... I played with Barbie's and Betsy Wetsy dolls. My friend Nancy and I always had to have the same dolls. Our parents would write our names on the feet of the dolls so we would not confuse them. It would cause issues .... for little girls to mix them up.
Sitting at the bread board in the kitchen .... me eating cereal, mom stirring the milk into her coffee the truth was told. I was adopted. Not really understanding the full extent of what it was .... I was young enough to just grow with it naturally .... until one day it was understood. I was not traumatized by this info .... actually felt more wanted and loved. Not sure if I've stated this before but I was raised an only child.
Second grade brought more learning, more chasing and running from boys (cooties, ya know) and my first trip to Iowa. I met all of moms huge family for the first time that summer. I had met a few folks from back there but not all. It was fun for me at that time to see how my cousins lived so differently than I. And once again, visiting the claim was a mandatory summer adventure. I was rocking to the Beatles and my love of rock and roll was being formed. Elvis movies at the drive-in, the smell of overly buttered popcorn, my pillow by my side in case I didn't make through the movie .... being lifted out of the car and carried to my room, a sweet kiss from dad on the cheek.
I had a dog named Tommy .... a very loving sheepdog. And a pond with goldfish. A hamster and aquarium with guppies (soon many guppies) fulfilled my love for animals. Eventually I ended up with seven aquariums and a mother who wanted to shoot me. LOL And a dad who would give me 1000 aquariums if I had asked for them.
A very long post .... and if you made it through it thanks, if not .... understood, trust me ..... !
And I just went to take pic's of pic's and the battery is dead in my camera. And to top it off .... I left the battery charger in the trailer at the claim. SO ..... pictures will have to come later .... sorry. For now you will have to put up with the read.
Boss lady just phoned and canceled my crafts with the girls tonight. Staff issues apparently .... hummmm .... and I'm not there, go figure .... who will take the fall this time? So she has me scheduled for next Wednesday (tentatively) and something tells me I have invested time and money into something that won't pan out .... an hour a week is all I ask, and I can't even get that.
I've ordered more beads for beading and that will keep me occupied during quiet times at the claim. Maybe if I feel confident enough after I've made a few pieces I will try to place them somewhere for sale. Right now they are very simple, but pretty .... at least I think so.
Thats all folks .... have a very happy Wednesday. Taking Dave to hospital this afternoon to have a rather large splinter that has gone in way to deep into his finger removed. Fun stuff.
Peace. J.
My mother was a preschool teacher for 31 years. My dads mother or my grandmother was head teacher at the school for 35 years. My father worked nights and would watch me during the day when I was 1 & 2 years old. Mom would take over when she got home in the evenings then eventually I would spend my days with mom and grandma at the preschool. I ended up going through high school with some of those that attended the preschool the same time I was there.
My dads parents were extremely religious as was / is my mother and I was hauled to church (Southern Baptists of all things) every Sunday. Both grandma and mom taught Sunday School. So I was surrounded by my family a lot during those young years.
I remember my mom made all of my clothes back then. She always had a time getting me to stand still while she measured the hem. I was not allowed to wear pants until I was about 13 years old. Dresses and bobby socks .... patent leather shoes.
We would spend a few weeks every summer split between our cabin at Big Bear (So. Cal.) and then a few weeks at the gold claim. The visit to the claim in those days were fun filled .... with my friend Nancy usually at my side and my grandparents, cousins, aunt & uncle we'd play games till bedtime, fish and swim during the day, the older folks would mine .... making hand animals on the wall as the lantern slowly burned down before sleep. Berry bushes taller than I .... savoring even as a small child the sweet taste of summer. When I was about five the family sold the cabin at Big Bear and then all of the summer was spent at the claim.
I started kindergarten at age five and was placed in the care of the neighbor who lived on the corner during the day. She ended up being my babysitter for several years. She had two older children ..... the older being a girl then her son. The third child was a year younger than I .... adopted as I was (didn't know at this point I was adopted or him for that matter .... that realization came at a later age) and had some mental development issues. My mother would drop me off in the mornings on her way to work ... my dad now working days ..... and my baby sitter (hate calling her that for some reason) would make sure I got to school, got picked up and cared for till mom got home in the afternoons. It was during this time that I was molested by her son. For at least three years for sure. Again this is something that I always knew happened but didn't realize till older what had happened. Not sure I can explain but there is no need for elaboration on this subject. It was what it was ....
First grade .... I broke my arm skipping in a neighbors driveway. I thought boys had cooties .... I learned to ride a bike with my father running along side encouraging me all the way .... I played with Barbie's and Betsy Wetsy dolls. My friend Nancy and I always had to have the same dolls. Our parents would write our names on the feet of the dolls so we would not confuse them. It would cause issues .... for little girls to mix them up.
Sitting at the bread board in the kitchen .... me eating cereal, mom stirring the milk into her coffee the truth was told. I was adopted. Not really understanding the full extent of what it was .... I was young enough to just grow with it naturally .... until one day it was understood. I was not traumatized by this info .... actually felt more wanted and loved. Not sure if I've stated this before but I was raised an only child.
Second grade brought more learning, more chasing and running from boys (cooties, ya know) and my first trip to Iowa. I met all of moms huge family for the first time that summer. I had met a few folks from back there but not all. It was fun for me at that time to see how my cousins lived so differently than I. And once again, visiting the claim was a mandatory summer adventure. I was rocking to the Beatles and my love of rock and roll was being formed. Elvis movies at the drive-in, the smell of overly buttered popcorn, my pillow by my side in case I didn't make through the movie .... being lifted out of the car and carried to my room, a sweet kiss from dad on the cheek.
I had a dog named Tommy .... a very loving sheepdog. And a pond with goldfish. A hamster and aquarium with guppies (soon many guppies) fulfilled my love for animals. Eventually I ended up with seven aquariums and a mother who wanted to shoot me. LOL And a dad who would give me 1000 aquariums if I had asked for them.
A very long post .... and if you made it through it thanks, if not .... understood, trust me ..... !
And I just went to take pic's of pic's and the battery is dead in my camera. And to top it off .... I left the battery charger in the trailer at the claim. SO ..... pictures will have to come later .... sorry. For now you will have to put up with the read.
Boss lady just phoned and canceled my crafts with the girls tonight. Staff issues apparently .... hummmm .... and I'm not there, go figure .... who will take the fall this time? So she has me scheduled for next Wednesday (tentatively) and something tells me I have invested time and money into something that won't pan out .... an hour a week is all I ask, and I can't even get that.
I've ordered more beads for beading and that will keep me occupied during quiet times at the claim. Maybe if I feel confident enough after I've made a few pieces I will try to place them somewhere for sale. Right now they are very simple, but pretty .... at least I think so.
Thats all folks .... have a very happy Wednesday. Taking Dave to hospital this afternoon to have a rather large splinter that has gone in way to deep into his finger removed. Fun stuff.
Peace. J.
In The Beginning ..... and the Middle .......
Be warned ..... xtra long boring post:
In the early - mid 1950's my dad was a milkman delivering milk, ice cream and other dairy products to homes in Southern California. It was here that he met what was to be his best friend and my mother and his wife hit it off big and were the best of friends as well. They would also be my future (as I wasn't born yet) godparents. At the time they became friends the other couple had a baby daughter. A couple years later came another baby girl. Then in October of 1957 their last baby girl ..... and two weeks after she showed up ..... I came along.
Nancy and I spent countless hours together as babies, adolescents and young adults. At nine years old her family moved to Northern California. Then we would (Nancy & I) fly back and forth to each others home for two weeks each during the summer ..... sometimes on spring break ...... and wrote each other non-stop. Sometimes I wish I still had those letters ..... they would have been a great diary ...... She was my introduction to pot, cocaine, pills (uppers & downers), LSD and cigarettes. Living close to Haight Ashbury and with one older sister who experimented as well .... and dated someone we thought was so cool (she later married and then divored him) .... it was easy for us both to indulge .... at her house. I didn't really know folks who did this stuff in my neighborhood .... although I'm sure it was there .... well, no doubt it was there. I just didn't know those who did at the time .... that would come later.
Nancy and I shared friends in Northern & Southern California. Sometimes friends of mine would visit her .... sometimes friends of hers would visit me. When we graduated high school we started talking about moving out together. She wanted to move back down south. She was interested in one of my guy friends .... and he in her. So at 19 she loaded up her Toyota Corolla and drove south where we had previously rented an apartment and then dropped the bomb on our parents. She got a job working in a credit union in Hollywood. I got a job close to home doing data entry and computer operations. She dated my guy friend .... I dated a lot of different people. After a few years of living with each other .... she married my guy friend ..... and moved to Modesto.
I took on another roomate ..... would often drive north and visit Nancy and her husband. And soon I decided I wanted to live there too. I quit my job at the time .... loaded up and off I went. After one day I found a tri-plex with a unit for rent and checked it out (there is another story here) ..... moved in a week later and started looking for work. I found a job doing ..... data entry ..... and settled in. Making new friends ..... finding old friends, by accident ..... and started partying more heavily than ever before. Choices made that would affect me and follow me till today (as you know).
This is a very shortened version of things ..... but an introduction to my past that may or may not help out when reading future posts ..... eyesthebye had asked for more about my past as an insight to me ..... so when the mood strikes I'll elaborate on things written in previous posts ..... as well as continue with new stuff.
But I am going to elaborate now on the above highlighted sentence. Nancy and her husband both worked and I went looking for a place to live on my own. I went to a rental agency that gave me a list of places to check out. The first place was a tri-plex ..... just a few blocks away from the agency. I was told that the people were there cleaning up that were moving out and to go on over and take a look. So I did.
As I approached the place it looked cute .... I stepped up to the door and knocked. When the door opened I about went in to shock and no doubt my face showed my absolute surprise. Standing in front of me was the boy from high school (he was a senior when I was a freshman) that I had a huge crush on and thought was about the best looking thing to grace this planet. Standing behind him was his brother .... a year older than me and someone I had partied with in high school but never really hung out with. And their youngest brother had been very good friends with my boyfriend thru high school. He wasn't there ....
My heart started pounding .... middle brother smiled when he saw me ..... and the older one .... had no clue I even existed. But I knew he did ..... for sure. I set my sights on him that day ..... he was leaving for school in Santa Barbara .... I asked him to join me for dinner .... he agreed .... my heart not only pounded it almost stopped. I rented the unit. We became close friends / lovers for awhile ..... something that if you had told me when I was a freshman was going to happen I'd of laughed ..... very hard indeed. With him at college ... it was easy for me to look around and be tempted by others and one time when he came home from school .... I was enjoying the company of someone else. Whether or not he dated in school (I'm sure he did) I never really knew for sure. But it put a wedge in our relationship. And within a few weeks .... it was over. I've always wondered .... what if? What if I hadn't made the first of many wrong choices to come ..... but I guess it doesn't really matter now.
Next post I'll update you on Nancy. Her now ex-husband and my guy friend. And anything else that comes to mind I'm sure. Hoping all have a good day .... I'm going to get some stuff together for my training tomorrow and attempt to relax some. I called work off today .... I'm fried from yesterday .... literally .... 7 hours under the sun w/ no shade. Legs, butt and arms aching from digging and squating. Yes, I do whine well, don't I?
Peace. J.
In the early - mid 1950's my dad was a milkman delivering milk, ice cream and other dairy products to homes in Southern California. It was here that he met what was to be his best friend and my mother and his wife hit it off big and were the best of friends as well. They would also be my future (as I wasn't born yet) godparents. At the time they became friends the other couple had a baby daughter. A couple years later came another baby girl. Then in October of 1957 their last baby girl ..... and two weeks after she showed up ..... I came along.
Nancy and I spent countless hours together as babies, adolescents and young adults. At nine years old her family moved to Northern California. Then we would (Nancy & I) fly back and forth to each others home for two weeks each during the summer ..... sometimes on spring break ...... and wrote each other non-stop. Sometimes I wish I still had those letters ..... they would have been a great diary ...... She was my introduction to pot, cocaine, pills (uppers & downers), LSD and cigarettes. Living close to Haight Ashbury and with one older sister who experimented as well .... and dated someone we thought was so cool (she later married and then divored him) .... it was easy for us both to indulge .... at her house. I didn't really know folks who did this stuff in my neighborhood .... although I'm sure it was there .... well, no doubt it was there. I just didn't know those who did at the time .... that would come later.
Nancy and I shared friends in Northern & Southern California. Sometimes friends of mine would visit her .... sometimes friends of hers would visit me. When we graduated high school we started talking about moving out together. She wanted to move back down south. She was interested in one of my guy friends .... and he in her. So at 19 she loaded up her Toyota Corolla and drove south where we had previously rented an apartment and then dropped the bomb on our parents. She got a job working in a credit union in Hollywood. I got a job close to home doing data entry and computer operations. She dated my guy friend .... I dated a lot of different people. After a few years of living with each other .... she married my guy friend ..... and moved to Modesto.
I took on another roomate ..... would often drive north and visit Nancy and her husband. And soon I decided I wanted to live there too. I quit my job at the time .... loaded up and off I went. After one day I found a tri-plex with a unit for rent and checked it out (there is another story here) ..... moved in a week later and started looking for work. I found a job doing ..... data entry ..... and settled in. Making new friends ..... finding old friends, by accident ..... and started partying more heavily than ever before. Choices made that would affect me and follow me till today (as you know).
This is a very shortened version of things ..... but an introduction to my past that may or may not help out when reading future posts ..... eyesthebye had asked for more about my past as an insight to me ..... so when the mood strikes I'll elaborate on things written in previous posts ..... as well as continue with new stuff.
But I am going to elaborate now on the above highlighted sentence. Nancy and her husband both worked and I went looking for a place to live on my own. I went to a rental agency that gave me a list of places to check out. The first place was a tri-plex ..... just a few blocks away from the agency. I was told that the people were there cleaning up that were moving out and to go on over and take a look. So I did.
As I approached the place it looked cute .... I stepped up to the door and knocked. When the door opened I about went in to shock and no doubt my face showed my absolute surprise. Standing in front of me was the boy from high school (he was a senior when I was a freshman) that I had a huge crush on and thought was about the best looking thing to grace this planet. Standing behind him was his brother .... a year older than me and someone I had partied with in high school but never really hung out with. And their youngest brother had been very good friends with my boyfriend thru high school. He wasn't there ....
My heart started pounding .... middle brother smiled when he saw me ..... and the older one .... had no clue I even existed. But I knew he did ..... for sure. I set my sights on him that day ..... he was leaving for school in Santa Barbara .... I asked him to join me for dinner .... he agreed .... my heart not only pounded it almost stopped. I rented the unit. We became close friends / lovers for awhile ..... something that if you had told me when I was a freshman was going to happen I'd of laughed ..... very hard indeed. With him at college ... it was easy for me to look around and be tempted by others and one time when he came home from school .... I was enjoying the company of someone else. Whether or not he dated in school (I'm sure he did) I never really knew for sure. But it put a wedge in our relationship. And within a few weeks .... it was over. I've always wondered .... what if? What if I hadn't made the first of many wrong choices to come ..... but I guess it doesn't really matter now.
Next post I'll update you on Nancy. Her now ex-husband and my guy friend. And anything else that comes to mind I'm sure. Hoping all have a good day .... I'm going to get some stuff together for my training tomorrow and attempt to relax some. I called work off today .... I'm fried from yesterday .... literally .... 7 hours under the sun w/ no shade. Legs, butt and arms aching from digging and squating. Yes, I do whine well, don't I?
Peace. J.
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